Tag: Gal Gadot

Air Force One Accidentally Joins Israeli Independence Day Flyover

The Daily Freier By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/2/2017 at 10:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: Israeli Security Agency Shin Bet pooped a brick and a half this morning when Donald Trump’s Air Force One accidentally appeared in the country’s Independence Day aerial flyover.

The whole Middle East held its breath as the U.S. President’s private jet, returning from a photographic tour of the Hezbollah Gorillas In the Mist, suddenly veered left, pirouetted and somersaulted into the Israeli Air Force’s procession up the Mediterranean coast.

The crowd ooooohed and aaaaahed but it was clear that the annual display was only supposed to feature F-35’s, F-52’s, B-52s, Commodore 64s, paper planes, the helicopter from the A-Team, the Starship Enterprise, the hot air balloon starring Wonderwoman Gal Gadot, and a drone owned by patriotic forgetful taxpayer/model Bar Refaeli. Incidentally, United Airlines was not invited. And El Al was late. And then, out of nowhere, a plume of orange smoke sent terrified beachgoers diving for cover.

The Donald, unusually defensive, tried to defuse the situation: “Why the fuss? Melania didn’t believe me that Israel was the size of New Jersey. I wanted to show her. Happy 69th Birthday Israel. 69 is the best number. Just the best. I love that number and believe me, I have had a lot of numbers. #69tweeted the U.S. President, with a winky emoji.

Never one to reveal too much, Press Secretary Sean ‘I’m-calm-now‘ Spicer added: “Afterwards, the President had a very lively, I mean friendly, chat with Israeli PM Benjamin No-you-can’t-do-too-yoo-hoo. We are also planning to display the might of the US Air Force…. in a surprise flyover… starting in Washington DC at 8pm on Saturday…. after the Trumps come back from a celebratory dinner on the Champs-Élysées with the Le Pens, Les Pens, the Pens, Ha Penim. Whatever. With fountain pens and stationery. Damn it. I don’t know. It’s been 105 days. And I’m tired.

North Korea’s little dicta-doll, Kim Wrong Un almost choked on his Sausage and Egg McMuffin in disbelief.

#goingtohellinahandbasket
#hunkerdownandprayfordaylight

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Bar Refaeli ‘devastated’ not to be named in Panama Papers

BR

(Photo Credit: Getty Images)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/6/2016 at 11:20 AM

Tel Aviv: Publicity-shy full-time supermodel and part-time Israeli taxpayer Bar Refaeli has gone into hiding, with tremendous shame, after failing to make it onto the list of celebrities and politicians exposed in the Panama Papers for illegal deals and dodgy finances.

The Mossack Fonseca law firm in the Central American statelet was revealed this week to be the engine room where the world’s rich got filthy, stinking and dirty rich.  And nobody offered Ms. Rafaeli a piece of the action, rendering The Israeli supermodel too upset to speak. Her PR agent explained: ‘Ms. Refaeli is dismayed at her absence from this exclusive list. More than 11 million documents and nothing. Especially when a real D-Lister like the Prime Minister of Iceland made the team.

Years of Sesame Street accounting, imaginative wedding lists, and hiding the shekels under her Princess and the Pea four poster bed during her ‘army service’ have all proved futile as she failed to make it onto neither this list nor the Forbes Rich list. 

Her agent continued. ‘She is a fighter and will be back to claim maternity benefits and appear on Big Brother to complement her meagre salary.’ Additionally, Bar’s agent informed the Daily Freier that his client intended to never wear a Panama hat as long as she lived.

Meanwhile, as one Israeli supermodel hid away from the papers, another, Wonder Woman’s Gal Gadot, was all over them. She was tipped for Oscar stardom after impressing audiences with her 59 words and wrist action in the three-hour Batman vs Superman snoozathon. Even in ultra-conservative Gaza, Hamas militants left their tunnels and rockets to download the original TV series and compare her performance to the iconic Lynda Carter. Gaza tailors are currently working on a Wonder Woman suicide belt in time for Naqba Day.