Tag: Israeli Postal Service

Universe implodes after Olim complain about post by Oleh on Keep Olim in Israel complaining about complainers

Keep Olim Universe implodes complaints complainingBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/7/2017 at 9:30 PM

The Andromeda Galaxy: Time and Space no longer exist as a concept that we can understand, and it’s all because of Facebook! Today on “Keep Olim in Israel“, a Facebook community dedicated to helping recent immigrants to Israel, there was a post. By an Oleh. Complaining. About complaining Olim. And then people complained about it. Well this was all a bit much for the old Universe, which has lately been straining to keep up with Keep Olim, and at around 7:30 PM local time this evening, the Universe simply imploded, ending existence as we know it.

Reaction to the implosion could be felt across the Israeli Olim Community. Dozens of people posted on Secret Tel Aviv, with the top posts being:

1) “Hey did anyone just hear something?”

2) “When the Universe implodes, is there supposed to be a siren?”

3) “When do the buses start running again?”

4) “Hi my friend is 35 years old, really cute, and single. He is looking for a nice girl to enjoy the implosion of the Universe with. No smokers.”

5) “Can anyone tell me the best breakfast places in Tel Aviv?”

Despite the confusion with the implosion of time and space, there was an up-side as well. Theological questions that were long wondered about finally have an answer. While Jews don’t really believe in Hell, we now know that those who did bad things must spend an eternity sitting on the beach in the middle of an endless matkot tournament. Yet other things make no sense. Somehow despite the end of time and space as we know it, multiple Aliyah blogs continue to exist and somehow continue to generate new content, mostly about how the “big jerk at the Post Office keeps using the time/space continuum as an excuse for why my package from Ali Baba hasn’t arrived yet.

Also, as the Daily Freier hurtled through the endless void toward Gan Eden, we could have sworn we saw an old bearded guy holding the Book of Mormon.

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Canadian Olah “mildly annoyed” at being mistaken for American

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/17/2017 at 2:30 PM

Judea and Samaria: A Canadian-Israeli Olah has petitioned the American government for U.S. citizenship claiming that all the Israelis on her yishuv already believe that she is American anyway. Rivky K. has lived in a town 15 minutes north of Jerusalem for over 5 years and is known to everyone as ‘Rivky ha-Amerikait’ …even though she is not actually American. “Everyone thinks I’m American and all they want to do is kvetch to me about President Trump.” Rivky noted. “If I have to put up with that every day, I want all the other benefits of U.S. citizenship…isn’t that fair?

Rivky explained that the misunderstanding happened shortly after she moved to the yishuv. “I went to get my mail, nothing much… just 10 or 12 parcels from Next and Amazon. Svetlana, the doar [post office] lady spoke a bit of English and told me about “all the other nice Americans here” who she knew: Sarah, who had a baking supply store [editor’s note: Sarah is Australian] and Rabbi H. [yep…. South African] and Malka the seamstress [British… of course] Svetlana started calling me ‘Rivky ha-Amerikait’ but I didn’t have the language skills to correct her… so the nickname stuck”

It’s not my fault! I just wish there was a way I could communicate better with the Israelis here… you know, like if they improved their English or something.” she griped. “But I’m working on it! I have a great idea about setting up some kind of an intensive language-learning school for them… what do you think?

Noah returns in new Ark to save us from the Heatwave

Noah's Ark Daily Freier(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/5/2017 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv: With the mercury in Tel Aviv matching the temperature on Mars, biblical hero Noah has returned to Eretz Yisrael to save locals from the unbearable heatwave.

Today, hoards of confused and melting Tel Avivians were oddly seen rushing INTO the Dizengoff Center Mall AND the Post Office just to get OUT of the heat. Once roads began to crumple and people were being thrown out of the chiller cabinets in Shufersal, the 4700-year-old pensioner decided to act.

Noah and his oldest remaining son, Shem (a mere 4200 years young) have fitted the Convertible Ark Turbo Cruise ship with 2 air conditioning units in each compartment, phone chargers, the Waze GPS Iceberg Locator, and driverless technology.

My hands are still tied by the Torah so I can still only take two of everything – so 2 Israelis (rumors say Gal Gadot has already bagged one spot), 2 stray cats, 2 non-complaining olim, 2 mosquitoes, 2 jellyfish, 2 European backpackers, and 2 girls on Taglit who just love love love Israel. No politicians or HOT Cable customer service representatives are allowed.”

Cabin prices start at NIS 5,000 for a  double. But long lines are expected all the way to Haifa as The Ark, called “Mazgan Miracle II“, is due to set sail tomorrow for Scotland, arriving at its first port in Cardiff before Shabbos.

“Park Wherever the Hell You Want” permits for 2017 now available for purchase at Israel Post

Tel Aviv Park Wherever The Hell You Want Permits for 2017 Available from Israel Post

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/18/2016 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: City residents are reminded that Permits to park wherever the hell they please are now available at all Israel Post locations. The permits, which render a vehicle immune from such mundane concepts as municipal ordinances and the laws of physics, allow the holder to park his or her car totally on the sidewalk, halfway between designated spots, or basically anywhere they think they can fit their vehicle on any given day.  The Daily Freier walked down to the Post Office by Dizengoff and Nordau to see for ourselves and maybe even pick up a permit or two.

Israel Post Regional Manager Yossi P.  greeted us and walked us through the permit concept. “This is a real moneymaker for Cities and Towns across Israel.  Basically, since everyone just does whatever they want with their cars anyway, why not make a few Shekels for Schools and Youth Sports Clubs? The Post Office collects a 5% Commission so it is a real win-win. But as great as this program is, we strive to ensure that it does not take us away from our Core Competency of delivering the Mail efficiently and accurately.”  Then he started laughing.

As we were speaking, Local celebrity Moti C. stopped by to hit on chat with the ladies who work at the Post Office after parking his truck diagonally onto the sidewalk by the bus stop. When the ladies told Moti that he may want to buy a permit today, he reminded them that he won a contest and was thus exempt from Parking Laws for a year.

Permits cost 250 Shekels for 6 months, or 400 Shekels for the year.  While the sales campaign was considered a huge success, some city residents also offered suggestions and advice to improve the program. Alert Local Ronit S. asked Israel Post if maybe they could sell permits next year to exempt electric bicycles from stopping at red lights or for people in their way.

 

 

 

 

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The Clerks at Your Post Office Don’t Really Think You’ve Done Enough to Earn Your Package Yet

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(Photo Credit: Jerusalem Post)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 10/8/2015 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Basel: The workers at your neighborhood post office are pretty much on the same page in the belief that you haven’t done enough yet to earn the package of books, peanut butter, and Toms of Maine toothpaste that your mom sent you from America last month.  The saga started last week when you received a notice in your mailbox that a package was waiting for you at the post office.  When you went there to pick it up, things got interesting…

You (chipper and optimistic): Hi! I’m here to pick up a package waiting for me!

Employee (Motti?): What makes you think you have a package here?

You: (Holding up your notice with hope): Well I have this slip of paper, and I….

Motti: Oh, that could mean anything.

So Motti checked in the back and couldn’t find anything.  But he told you to send a fax to the customs office at the airport. “Wait“, you’re saying. “A FAX?  People still use faxes? Why? to send a message to 1992?”

Motti (deadpan): Welcome to Israel.

So you faxed the airport, and interestingly enough, got a fax back.  No package at the airport.  So you take your new fax back to the post office.  Motti looks at the fax.  Looks at you.  Looks back at the fax, then walks into the back room.  You’re not sure what he’s doing but he starts talking to the woman who usually works at the front counter.  Your Hebrew sucks, but you’re picking up parts of it. One thing you picked up: This is NOT your day. So now the lady from the front desk (Rivka?) comes to talk to you.

Rivka (suspicious): So you’re Sharon Levy?

You: Yes

Rivka: But they sent the package to Sharon Levy. She lives in Rishon LeTziyon.

So now there is a nice lady in Rishon LeTziyon making peanut butter sandwiches and brushing her teeth in an environmentally conscious way.

You: But it’s MY package!

Rivka You both have the same name.  You two should really work this out.

And you have to admit, she’s making some very good points.

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