Tag: Netanya

HaTzarfatim

Daily Freier criticized for “Anglos Only” Pétanque Tournament
No Francophones were harmed in the making of this article

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 12/1/2019 at 3:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Apparently the Daily Freier is in a lot of trouble.  Like, a LOT of trouble. In the spirit of Community, we decided to organize a pétanque tournament. In Tel Aviv. On Rothschild Boulevard. Where apparently a certain….group of Olim congregate and play this really cool looking game that looks like bocce only even more ridiculous. Anyhoo, we organized this Competition, and somehow accidentally added “Anglos Only” to the Facebook Event. Must have been an oversight. You see, the Daily Freier has been obsessed with pétanque for a long time. But now we are getting a bunch of angry texts from the principal of Collège Français de Tel-Aviv, the French Embassy, and that kinda hot/kinda crazy French girl from your Ulpan. The Daily Freier hastily held a News Conference to dispel rumors.

Daily Freier editor Yuval Weiss greeted the assembled press, but before he could finish his introduction, an angry editor from I24-Francaise lit into him.

“It is simply…absurd that the Daily Freier would exclude the very Nation that created this noble sport from your tournament. Do you not notice that the pétanque courts of Rothschild are absolutely French?”

“Wait, they’re French?” replied Yuval. “You sure? Because I’m so Woke that I don’t see race or color or national origin.”

The Daily Freier tried to change the subject to our upcoming Chanukah Scavenger Hunt in Dizengoff Center, but the French Embassy Chargé d’affaires stood on his chair and began reading from the Declaration of the Rights of Man and name-dropping the Marquis DeLafayette.

Finally, Yuval was able to regain control of the Press Conference. “We apologize for the oversight. It’s just that as Anglos we are used to creating new opportunities on very short notice. It’s hard to explain this concept sometimes….. Wait, what’s the word for ‘entrenpeneur’ in French?”

Finally, The Daily Freier was able to defuse the situation by inviting everyone to a Mickey Rourke Film Festival at the Kerem House.

*In the spirit of Jewish Solidarity, we promise to hold next year’s Daily Freier Pétanque Tournament in Netanya.

 

 

 

 

 

BDS, Beach, Ethan and Shoshanna

Taking a stand against BDS, Jellyfish return to Israel

Refusing to Give in to BDS Jellyfish Return to Israel Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/22/2016 at 1:20 PM

Netanya: In a move described as “bold”, “courageous”, and “defiant”, the  jellyfish have returned to Israel despite intense pressure from the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement. Everybody’s favorite jellyfish, Ethan and Shoshanna, spoke to the Daily Freier about their personal journey.

“When the summer currents began pushing us northward from the Coast of Egypt, we just got bombarded with tweets from BDS.” explained Ethan. “Roger Waters wrote us an open letter. Max Blumenthal told us that his dad would NOT be happy if we went to Israel. Omar Barghouti told us that we would be collaborators if we arrived, but we checked his IP address and he was tweeting from the Tel Aviv University Library….”

The Daily Freier asked Ethan if he identified as a Zionist, and he explained his stance. “Of course, but I also identify as a citizen of the world.  Jew, Muslim, Christian….in the end it really doesn’t matter. I will sting the living shit out of you regardless.”

At this point Shoshanna interjected with her views. “I’m just so happy to be back. I missed this place SO. MUCH. But to tell you the truth, I expected a bit of a warmer welcome from everyone. But that might just be Israel. Sometimes it takes a while to break into social groups.” Shoshanna spotted a family in shallow water 5 meters away. “They seem nice, maybe I will float toward them and introduce myself. Sometimes you just have to extend a tentacle of friendship.”

 

HaTzarfatim

New Urban Horror Film “Netanya” tells of a City slowly turning……French

 

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 8/4/2015 at 3:20 PM

Tel Aviv Performing Arts Center: The entire city is chattering about the Summer’s hottest film, “Netanya“, a chilling film  seen through the eyes of the heroine as she watches her friends, family, and neighbors slowly turning into Francophones. The movie, set in the seaside city of Netanya north of Tel Aviv, was filmed using handheld cameras with unknown actors on a limited budget. Daily Freier’s Arts and Entertainment Reporter talked to moviegoers as they exited the theater last night.

“Oh my God, when she sat down with her husband at their favorite hummus place, and he smiled at the waiter and ordered bouillabaisse in perfect French, and then she started screaming, I jumped 5 feet out of my seat.” said an excited Rachel G.

Rachel’s friend Danny R. was equally enthused. “When she escaped the restaurant and ran into her parents’ house, and she sees them in the living room eating brioche and watching a Jerry Lewis movie, and then her dad locks the door behind her……..scared the living heck out of me.”

Another movie at the Festival, about a zombie outbreak in a large Anglo community of Olim immigrants, was panned as unrealistic by moviegoers. Audience member Yossi C. summed up the film’s failures: “Maybe if they made the movie about a bunch of Anglo zombies who SAY they’re going to make Aliyah every year without actually, you know, “MAKING ALIYAH.”…..that would be more realistic.”