Tel Aviv, The Old North: OK, so this is going to be a LONG night. I mean, Hamas promised they would attack between Midnight and 2 AM, and in the past couple of days their on-time rate has been a lot better than most Israeli companies. But the shelter in the building is kind of nice. There are some kids playing. Someone brought their dog! Also, there’s the hot girl from the second floor. This isn’t too bad!
Huh, what’s this? Oh no. Oh no no no. That guy just showed up. With a guitar. Wait, is this the one who was expelled from Hebrew Union College after he failed guitar class?” HaShem help us.
I just told him that I refuse to sing along to Wonderwall. But those guitar chords he’s doing write now…. They sound familiar. Oh no. I think he’s trying to play Stairway to Heaven. Badly.
Maybe if I cause some sort of commotion, it will make him stop. Here, let me jostle the broken futon in the corner that someone abandoned here 20 years ago. Maybe that will end this cycle of violence.
Wait, I think he’s moved on to John Mayer. I hate you Guitar Man. I really Hate you. But no, it gets worse. Someone just requested the Chili Peppers.
That’s it, I’m going outside to take my chances with the missiles.
So now Israel has lots of Vaccines against the Corona Virus! Gadol! Start-Up Nation at its Best! You know, it’s this history of Israeli Innovation that led me to leave my family and friends behind and defend the Land of Israel! Because, by the way, I’m a Lone Soldier. Not a lot of people know that I’m a Lone Soldier, so sometimes I need to remind them. Like right now. Or when I’m on the bus. Or at the Makolet. Honestly there’s not a “Wrong” time to let people know you’re a Hayyal Boded. Am Yisrael Chai!
So back to the vaccine. Is it free for Lone Soldiers? Because, and not to put too fine a point on it, we HATE to spend money. Like ever. On Anything. For example, I plan on stretching out my streak of not buying groceries into my Miluim time as a Reservist. Couple cans of tuna and chickpeas will no doubt end up in my backpack at the end of every weekend. And by “a couple” I mean “around twenty“.
Maybe I can ask about getting the vaccine for free on Secret Tel Aviv, because I also just moved into a new apartment and need a futon. And a toaster oven. Some pots & pans. Maybe a PlayStation.
Wait wut? The vaccine is free for Everyone? You know that’s kinda bullshit, right?
As we stand together as a nation fighting an unseen menace, let us take a moment tomorrow to salute those on the front lines. I mean, the doctors, nurses, and first-responders have been doing a great job, I guess. But you know who else has? Your weed dealer. Who makes house calls. Who brings you what you need to spend the next couple of months in a confined space, home-schooling your kids, and re-learning each and every habit of your spouse/partner/life-mate that Drives. You. Nuts.
So tomorrow at 4:20, join us as we give thanks to the nation’s Brave Cannabis Salespersons.
Tel Aviv: With the worldwide spread of the dreaded Corona Virus, Israelis fear that the pandemic will soon affect their country as well. Yet while most Israelis remain confused and without a plan, one group has already organized to fight the virus head-on: the germs who live in the Tel Aviv Bus Station. The giant complex boasts abandoned floors occupied by transients, a Yiddish Theater, scary toilets, and a bat colony. In addition, it houses a community of fiercely nationalistic microbes that are gruff but lovable. The Daily Freier is quite familiar with the Central Bus Station, having once marketed a cologne inspired by its smells (Really!), so we had no problems meeting germs to interview.
“This Corona character doesn’t know who he’s messing with.” explained Shirli, an e-coli virus living on the door knob of the 3rd floor womens’ bathroom. “You’re in MY house now.”
“We are organized and ready for this threat.” noted Tomer, a staph infection hanging around the escalator near the Levinsky Street entrance. “Am Yisrael Chai.”
“Gamla will not fall again, and neither will we.” stated Dudi, an airborne fungus living in a pile of bat feces on the second floor.
In addition to the germs in the Central Bus Station, the Daily Freier learned of other microbes organizing against Corona, to include Yossi the Household Mold behind your Tel Aviv apartment’s bathroom wall, the stuff living in Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square, and the germs living in the dry pee in Dizengoff Square.
When we shared this story with actual Israeli humans, they noted that this plan is better than Health Minister Litzman’s real-life Corona plan, which consists of stopping flights from random Asian countries and protecting an accused sex offender from being deported to Australia.
“This is amazing news, it shows that we’re really one big family. You know, Am Yisrael Chai.” Yekutiel explained, as he created his very own new line for the cheese counter at the Supersel on Ibn Gavriol Boulevard. “But honestly, I’ve been doing fine. To tell you the truth, I haven’t actually waited on line since 1972.”
The Daily Freier then asked Yekutiel how exactly he has been able to manage not waiting on lines without the benefit of legal protection. “So if I’m at the Post Office, I’ll ask if my friend Hanan is working. If he’s working, great, he comes up from the back room, I hand him my package to mail, we talk for a while, and then I leave. If Hanan’s not working, then I ask the clerk when he will be back, we talk for a while, and then I tell the clerk that I just have a package to send and I hand it to them andthank them before they have time to object. It’s really that easy.”
“But what about the Banks?” inquired the Daily Freier. “Recently, Bank HaPoalim has actually attempted to actually force customers wait their turn!”
“Oh that’s too easy.” replied Yekutiel. “Just walk right up and ‘Rak Shealot’. But last week for the first time that didn’t work, so I told the lady how I once worked in a bank. And I talked to her for 10 minutes about what it was like to work in a bank before computers. Punchcards. Stuff like that. I could tell she was busy, so after a while I told her that I just needed to move some money to my checking account and then I would be on my way…..Also,once in a while I just pretend to be French.”
The Daily Freier then followed Yekutiel as he walked to the Post Office to pay his water bill. As we entered the building and he prepared to do the trick where he stands next to the guy in front of you and pretends to know him then slowly sidles between the two of you, he spied the automatic kiosk that dispenses numbers for the queue. Yekutiel stared at the machine in awe.
“What IS this thing anyway?”
UPDATE: Once he figured out how the Postal Kiosk “numbers” system worked, he began methodically collecting every number “For Later” and he held out a plastic bag full of kiosk receipts representing every number between 1 and 999.
Ramat Giv’at Ze’ev: The highly anticipated planned Jerusalem suburb of Giv’at Ze’ev is being specifically built to meet the preening sense of entitlement very high standards of Israel’s Anglo Community, specifically those from North America. The development will have such Anglo-friendly amenities as large master bedrooms, closets (Note to our native Israeli readers: a closet is like a very small room where you can store things!), private parking, dishwashers, big kitchens, and a country club. Yet that’s not all. In order to truly capture the flavor of the typical North American Jewish community, the development will have two Shuls: one Shul that you go to and one Shul that you wouldn’t enter if they were giving out free salmon by the pound. The Daily Freier spoke with lead architect Danny C. to get all the details.
“We know how important it is for Canadian and American Jews to have a Shul that they can’t stand, so we proactively opened a synagogue here last month so that we could have it break apart into two rival Shuls just in time for the first homeowners to move in.” Danny continued. “Even though our Housing Development is still under construction, we moved in a Rabbi and his family, along with a Synagogue Board of Directors. That way, the Board will be able to not renew the Rabbi’s contract next month, and the Rabbi can then form a breakaway Shul just three blocks away and really get a nice bitter communal split going before the first family even moves in!”
Danny also explained that the new development makes it possible for homeowners to customize the synagogue they refuse to step foot in. Homeowners will get to choose 3 of the following options, with additional options available at NIS 10,000 apiece:
The shul is too big. It’s like you’re in a mall or something.
The shul is tiny. It feels like you’re praying in a closet.
The building feels dated, like something from the 1970’s.
The building looks like a spaceship. It doesn’t even look like a Shul.
The Rabbi hardly speaks.
The Rabbi won’t stop talking.
The Rabbi is a right-wing fascist.
The Rabbi is a left-wing idiot.
The cantor is quiet as a mouse.
The cantor is a giant showboat.
The women’s section is a bunch of gossips.
The women’s section feels like a morgue.
The mincha takes forever.
What is this a race? The mincha was over in 5 minutes.
My ex in-laws go there.
The kiddush doesn’t have enough food.
Did you see the portions at the kiddush?
Can you believe they called that a kiddush?
Don’t get me started on the kiddush.
While prices for the development’s homes vary based on size and location, Danny assured us that your friends will say that you paid way too much.
We hereby demand that the Knesset reinstate MK Oren Hazan, immediately and unconditionally. Why? Because we are trying to run a humor site over here, and Oren is the greatest cure to writer’s block since Yair Netanyahu stopped inviting us out to the clubs.
Without Oren Hazan around, who is going to wave a tasty Tortit brand chocolate bar in Aymen Odeh’s face? Nobody, that’s who.
Without Mr. Hazan, who is going to cluck like a chicken during an argument with Ahmed Tibi? Huh?
Not to mention the fact that this suspension is putting at risk the Knesset’s greatest “Fun Couple”: Oren and Hanin Zoabi. Without Mr. Hazan around, nobody knows what Ms. Zoabi will do next. Actually, we have an idea. But it’s nuts.
(Note: This story is published in today’s print edition in Scratch ‘N’ Sniff format)
By Aaron Pomerantz and Gabby Shuster
Last Updated 3/8/2017 at 4:20
Tel Aviv: With the recent ruling decriminalizing cannabis in the State of Israel, Tel Aviv residents are concerned that they may start smelling marijuana smoke on the streets. Like, In Tel Aviv. Marijuana smoke. We mean, out in the open and stuff. The Daily Freier set out to get all the facts before we started to make things up.
“I’m just concerned that when I walk down Florentin Street I may encounter marijuana smoke.” explained local musician Tomer G. “And that would not be OK.”
“This sets a very bad precedent.” noted Avner B., an artisanal cheese maker out of Yafo. “Soon people won’t need to mix cannabis into tobacco to mask a cigarette’s true nature. They may not even need to smoke their cannabis in ceramic pipes that are painted to look like a filtered cigarette.” Avner’s eyes darted around the room nervously for a moment. “I mean, if that’s the way other people smoke cannabis now. I mean, people who definitely aren’t me.”
North Tel Aviv resident Yoni K. also shared his fears. “Next thing you know, people will be smoking spliffs at a Tuesday night rooftop party, one of those bars on Dizengoff with the long tables and benches, or at a bus stop in broad daylight on Ibn Gvirol.” (Note to the satirically impaired: This is already happening).
“I am curious what this ‘cannabis’ thing smells like.” observed alert local Ronit S. as she sat outside of a pub near the Carmel Market. “Does it smell like that cigarette that those guys over there are smoking? Because that cigarette smells like my older brother’s Metallica jean jacket smelled like back in High School.”
“Wait. Cannabis is decriminalized now?” enthused Sarit B., a hostess at a pub on Allenby Street. “I’m a little excited. Maybe now cannabis use will be readily observed in Tel Aviv’s pubs, bars, and clubs.”
Jerusalem, Mea She’arim: The rioting by some members of the Haredi Community against conscription in the Israeli Army began to break up today, because after a week of activity many of them complained that it felt like a job. Like where you have to show up to work at the same time and place every day or something. The Daily Freier’s resident Semi-on-the-Derech reporter Yekutiel Bornstein was on the scene getting all of the facts.
“At first, everything was fine.” noted protester Moshe D. “We beat up a Haredi guy who volunteered for the Army, blocked traffic, and pulled the tail of a police horse. Good times…. But after a few days, it just got weird. Being expected to show up. Day in, day out. No matter the weather. And being expected to do things. It felt like a…..like a…. not sure the word for this.”
“Like a job?” interjected the Daily Freier helpfully
“Yeah, that’s it. Like a job. And we’re not having that.”
The Daily Freier also tried to get to the heart of the matter by learning the motivations of the protesters. “The Government’s rules are ridiculous. I mean, it’s not like the Torah instructs us to defend Eretz Yisrael with our life or anything like that. So we really want the public to understand our situation and sympathize it.” explained semi-permanent Yeshiva student Yakov C. “That’s why we decided to block traffic during rush hour and call Law Enforcement officers ‘Nazis’ and female officers ‘Shiksas’. I think we’re making real progress.”
Finally, the Daily Freier asked the Law Enforcement who responded to the riots for their perspective on the events. Jerusalem Police Sergeant Avner H. gave his impression. “This was a difficult protest to break up. These guys were tough, lots of fight in them.” The Daily Freier asked Sergeant Avner if there was a way to prevent such riots from occurring in the future. Avner thought for a moment and replied “That’s a good question. If only there was some sort of organized activity that channels the aggression and energy of young men while providing them discipline and structure…..But I can’t think of anything right now, can you?”
Ramat Gan Eden: Have you ever wondered why Israelis honk all the time? You might have though they were impatient, pushy or even rude, but a new discovery made at the Linguistics Faculty of Bar Ilan University explains everything.
“The sound of honking is an absolute copy of an archaic meaning for ‘sorry‘ in ancient Hebrew.” explained Professor Yael K. over the phone as we wandered lost around Ramat Gan trying to find the Campus. “Moreover, it actually means ‘I am sorry for all that I have done wrong within past 24 hours.‘ so it can actually be addressed to a lady they cut in line earlier this morning or a guy they elbowed trying to get on the bus. The word was spelled as בייב, which can be mistakenly confused with the word ‘beep’ due to the overwhelming influence of modern English.”
Professor Yael then provided the historical background of this remarkable theory. “If you look at the history of the Jewish people, we’ve always been reflexive. We tend to gather the information, analyze it, and only then do we make conclusions. Therefore, we don’t say sorry straightway, but we wait until we can fully understand what happened and apologize”.
However, how do Israelis acquire this knowledge? “There are a few hypotheses, but very likely, it’s Tnuva milk that enables the transfer of this information from one generation to another. That’s how we learn this ancient word, and thus it becomes a part of our vocabulary. Some linguists even suspect that 1% milk has a bit worse transferability rate, and that Soy milk is completely worthless, but further peer-reviewed research is required.”
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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.
