Tel Aviv, Atarim Square: Experts fear that yesterday’s winter rains have decimated Tel Aviv’s famed dry pee smell, setting back the city’s strategic reserves by up to 6 months.
“We’ve lost everything.” complained the guy at the kiosk in Atarim Square that sells hot dogs. “First it was Corona, and now this. We might not recover before the summer.“
“Months of hard work are gone forever. Lost in just a few hours.” lamented Yoni, a Wolt bicycle delivery guy who had stopped in one of Atarim Square’s passageways “for a break”. Yoni surveyed the newly clean-ish floors and started to cry. “This was all we had.”
News of Tel Aviv’s crisis quickly reached the highest reaches of Government, with President Rivlin urging a unified response to the crisis. “The parties need to come together quickly with a plan. Up to 20% of Israeli men have never peed in Atarim Square.* We are failing as a nation.”
UPDATE: Some good news emerged Friday morning as the NGO “Birthright Israel” promised to have future buses stop at Atarim Square, Allenby Street, and the Central Bus Station. (Editor’s Note: this is in fact NOT the most ridiculous Taglit/MASA idea that we have ever come across.)
Tel Aviv: With the worldwide spread of the dreaded Corona Virus, Israelis fear that the pandemic will soon affect their country as well. Yet while most Israelis remain confused and without a plan, one group has already organized to fight the virus head-on: the germs who live in the Tel Aviv Bus Station. The giant complex boasts abandoned floors occupied by transients, a Yiddish Theater, scary toilets, and a bat colony. In addition, it houses a community of fiercely nationalistic microbes that are gruff but lovable. The Daily Freier is quite familiar with the Central Bus Station, having once marketed a cologne inspired by its smells (Really!), so we had no problems meeting germs to interview.
“This Corona character doesn’t know who he’s messing with.” explained Shirli, an e-coli virus living on the door knob of the 3rd floor womens’ bathroom. “You’re in MY house now.”
“We are organized and ready for this threat.” noted Tomer, a staph infection hanging around the escalator near the Levinsky Street entrance. “Am Yisrael Chai.”
“Gamla will not fall again, and neither will we.” stated Dudi, an airborne fungus living in a pile of bat feces on the second floor.
In addition to the germs in the Central Bus Station, the Daily Freier learned of other microbes organizing against Corona, to include Yossi the Household Mold behind your Tel Aviv apartment’s bathroom wall, the stuff living in Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square, and the germs living in the dry pee in Dizengoff Square.
When we shared this story with actual Israeli humans, they noted that this plan is better than Health Minister Litzman’s real-life Corona plan, which consists of stopping flights from random Asian countries and protecting an accused sex offender from being deported to Australia.
Since 2014, the Daily Freier has scratched your collected itches for weird stuff. Sometimes we even write our stories based on tips from you, our alert readership! But what if a story is just “Too weird for the Daily Freier“? Well, it happens. Here are ten stories that we simply had to reject. Enjoy wondering what might have been.
1. The men who play pétanque on Rothschild Boulevard: without their clothes on!
2. Latest Nefesh B’Nefesh program helps you get banned from Secret Tel Aviv…. BEFORE you make Aliyah!
3. Holmes Gym just opened membership to straight guys too!
4. Afula: Is it the new Neve Tzedek?
5. Bombshell: Two people who work in Israel Advocacy rumored to get along with one another.
6. Win a chance to be named Jerusalem’s Next Top Hot Chani!
7. Maccabi Health offers free personal development classes to anyone in a Purim “couples costume”.
8. Strange But True: The weirdos who enjoy Tel Aviv AND Jerusalem!
9. Sarah Tuttle-Singer takes 3 bong hits and explains the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.
10. “Have I Peed Here Yet?” An interactive street map for Tel Aviv men.
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Square: With workers putting the final touches on the newly stored Dizengoff Square, hundreds are waiting for the chance to put their own trademark Tel Aviv touch to the property. The Daily Freier walked on over to smell the excitement.
First, the Daily Freier ran into Danny, who was waiting patiently just north of the square, right next to the statue of the man displaying his junk. “Ever since they tore down the old Square last year, I’ve just felt like something was missing.” explained Danny as he drank from a liter of iced tea. “But now? Now is my chance.” Danny stealthily eyed the construction site. “Those workers can’t stay there forever.”
The Daily Freier then spoke with Nir at the Beer Garden opposite the Square. “So it looks like the City is trying to replace the old structure with something clean and classy, with grass and walking paths.” Nir chugged what appeared to be his 3rd pint of Stella and looked toward the Square with a gleam in his eye. “Welcome to Tel Aviv.”
The Daily Freier plans to attend the official opening of Dizengoff Square, where we will offer free samples of our Cologne for Men, “Tachana Merkazit“.
Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has given the world some amazing things: Waze, the cherry tomato, Gal Gadot, the thumb drive. But for every great Israeli idea, rest assured they have come up with some failures. And here they are: the 10 biggest flops of Israeli tech!
Ara-Mazing: Translate your sexts into Aramaic!
E-Z Steal: Choose the most convenient time & place to have your bike stolen!
Gaydar Tel Aviv
Misrad HaTindr: Match with someone who is also waiting in line at the Ministry of the Interior!
John Kerry Meetup!: Connects you with other fans of the former Secretary of State in Israel
AngloWhine: Deletes any texts from your Anglo friends when they’re complaining about something
Pokémon Pee: An app that finds you a sidewalk in Tel Aviv where nobody has peed yet
Tag-Lit: Lets Israeli men track the real-time location of every Birthright bus in the country
Matkot Simulator: It’s as if there’s a matkot game being played one meter away from you!
Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.
“Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”
As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”
To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.”
Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”
Tel Aviv, HaHagana Station: With the pending (and shockingly somewhat on-time) launch of the Jerusalem to Tel Aviv High Speed Rail line, residents of each city eagerly look forward to the chance to remember all the things about the other city that suck. The Daily Freier wandered the streets of Tel Aviv gathering answers, and then reluctantly took the bus from Savidor Station to do the same in that other city 40 miles to the East that really, really knows how to party.
“I don’t quite know what it is about Jerusalem, but it just turns you into a dork.” explained Yafo resident Danny S. “My cousin did Yeshiva there and he actually taught himself to speak poorly accented English. Like he now purposely adds “umms” and “uhs” to his sentences. He literally has a self-imposed speech impediment. And he’s from Miami.”
“Why do all the girls wear those thick black tights that look like they could stop an AK-47 round?” asked Tamar, a personal trainer from Florentin. “Are they auditioning for the next season of Fauda?”
“The worst is that Jerusalemites take it personally when we remind them how much their city sucks.” explained the Daily Freier’s very own Aaron Pomerantz. “Last year I somehow talked myself out of a date with a pretty dati girl when I told her that Jerusalem is lame.” [Editor’s Note: This may or may not have actually happened to a Daily Freier writer in real life.]
Not to be outdone, the Daily Freier got some very raw responses from the Jerusalem streets about what they can’t stand about Tel Aviv.
“Tel Aviv is just a giant weirdo reservation.” noted Hillel K. “It’s like they took the weirdest kid from each of my classes growing up, moved them to Tel Aviv, and let them reproduce. Oh yeah, and now they’re artists.”
When the Daily Freier asked Hillel about the cool spots for Jerusalem nightlife, he thought for a moment, scratched his head, and answered. “Well, there’s Machane Yehuda on a Thursday night…. And then there’s the other side of Machane Yehuda….. Wait…..Did I mention Machane Yehuda?”
According to the Israeli Ministry of Transportation, in 2019 they will open another High Speed line that will allow you to visit your friend who you thought had died but actually had just moved to Haifa in 2013.
(Note: This story is published in today’s print edition in Scratch ‘N’ Sniff format)
By Aaron Pomerantz and Gabby Shuster
Last Updated 3/8/2017 at 4:20
Tel Aviv: With the recent ruling decriminalizing cannabis in the State of Israel, Tel Aviv residents are concerned that they may start smelling marijuana smoke on the streets. Like, In Tel Aviv. Marijuana smoke. We mean, out in the open and stuff. The Daily Freier set out to get all the facts before we started to make things up.
“I’m just concerned that when I walk down Florentin Street I may encounter marijuana smoke.” explained local musician Tomer G. “And that would not be OK.”
“This sets a very bad precedent.” noted Avner B., an artisanal cheese maker out of Yafo. “Soon people won’t need to mix cannabis into tobacco to mask a cigarette’s true nature. They may not even need to smoke their cannabis in ceramic pipes that are painted to look like a filtered cigarette.” Avner’s eyes darted around the room nervously for a moment. “I mean, if that’s the way other people smoke cannabis now. I mean, people who definitely aren’t me.”
North Tel Aviv resident Yoni K. also shared his fears. “Next thing you know, people will be smoking spliffs at a Tuesday night rooftop party, one of those bars on Dizengoff with the long tables and benches, or at a bus stop in broad daylight on Ibn Gvirol.” (Note to the satirically impaired: This is already happening).
“I am curious what this ‘cannabis’ thing smells like.” observed alert local Ronit S. as she sat outside of a pub near the Carmel Market. “Does it smell like that cigarette that those guys over there are smoking? Because that cigarette smells like my older brother’s Metallica jean jacket smelled like back in High School.”
“Wait. Cannabis is decriminalized now?” enthused Sarit B., a hostess at a pub on Allenby Street. “I’m a little excited. Maybe now cannabis use will be readily observed in Tel Aviv’s pubs, bars, and clubs.”
Tel Aviv, Kikar Atarim: The city is kind of excited today as word spread that Blockbuster Television Hit “The Walking Dead” will film an episode in our very own Atarim Square because “we don’t need to change anything“. Atarim Square, which used to be named Namir Square after the Former Mayor until the place got so gross that the Mayor’s widow asked that his name be removed (really!), is a natural choice. Executive Assistant to the Producer Ryan P. explained.
“We wanted a locale that conveyed a total loss of hope. Like ‘The Road by Cormac McCarthy’ levels of bleak hopelessness. And then we found Atarim Square. Boom!” Yet despite the natural fit, there were a few early setbacks. “We had to bring a clean up crew in to tidy up a bit just to make it more realistic. It was that disgusting. I mean, the Walking Dead depicts an apocalyptic plague outbreak. But that place is just gross.“
But even though things seemed to run smoothly, planning and choreographing a feature television show thousands of miles from home on short notice can be tough. Yet paradoxically, Atarim Square’s chaotic craptastickness somehow found a way to help. Lead Set Designer Melissa K. explained. “So at the last minute, the writers told us we needed to build a set for where Tara had hidden a decrepit boat in an abandoned shopping center. And we were freaking out. Like, in 2 hours, where are we going to finds a decrepit boat to put in an abandoned shopping center??? And then one of the techs told us that…hey…. did you see the decrepit boat lying around in the abandoned shopping center? Baruch HaShem.” While Atarim Square’s unique funk helped some aspects of the production, other aspects suffered. In fact, paramedics needed to be called after actors playing Zombie Walkers passed out from the intense and overwhelming smell of dried pee and had to be revived with smelling salts.
Tel Aviv, Allenby: The City of Tel Aviv just took deliberate steps to safeguard a critical aspect of its culture and “Brand” today: that smell of dried pee that permeates every sidewalk, especially Allenby Street. Early this morning Tel Aviv registered as a Trade-Mark the smell of dried urine on a hot and dusty sidewalk that makes Tel Aviv so special. Municipality Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. took the Daily Freier on a walking tour of Central Tel Aviv this morning as she explained the City’s endeavor.
“We had to act quickly” explained Safir. “We heard that Athens and Rome were trying to muscle us out of the industry. And ever since Greece sued other countries that made feta cheese (NOTE: This really happened), we knew that they meant business. Rome and Athens are fine I guess. But I’m sorry. It’s just not the same as smelling a Tel Aviv sidewalk on a hot summer afternoon.”
The Daily Freier asked Safir how Tel Aviv’s streets were different from other countries where the sidewalks smell like pee. “I can’t quite explain it., but not all sidewalks that smell like pee are the same. Some say it’s our Mediterranean diet. Some say it’s the coffee hafuch. Some say it’s the hummus. Some say its the chutzpah. All I can say is that if you have never experienced Tel Aviv in the Summer, you need to come smell the Excitement!“
As Safir walked us around, she stopped at one particularly bad-smelling alley between Allenby and Shuk HaCarmel and started looking at the sidewalk. “Wait….. there is a hint of sunflower seeds and bamba in the aroma here. I think I know the artist who created this!” Safir then turned toward a middle aged heavyset man reading a newspaper at a nearby taxi stand. “Shlomo! Was this you????” she asked in mock anger, at which point the man grinned sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders.
The City of Tel Aviv claims that it will begin marketing the scent at those kiosks that sell Dead Sea Products all over the world. They also plan on marketing automobile air fresheners that make your car smell like the Number 5 Sherut.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.