Tag: HaKotel

Israeli Politics, Tikkun Olam

Reform Jewish Activist caught smuggling Tambourine at Western Wall

(photo credit: SGC Media)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 2/13/2023 at 5:00 PM

Jerusalem, The Dung Gate: With inter-communal tension in Israel on the rise, police today prevented a potentially serious escalation in Jerusalem’s Old City. A Reform Jewish activist  aroused the suspicion of Police as he attempted to enter the Western Wall Plaza. When police searched his WGBH Boston totebag, they discovered a tambourine and some Debbie Friedman bootlegs. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all the facts.

As the suspect was led away in handcuffs, the Daily Freier asked security personnel just what aroused their suspicion. A police spokesman named Assaf answered our questions. “We get a lot of Jerusalem Syndrome here, but this was different. When we asked the suspect what he was doing at the Kotel, he mentioned Tikkun Olam. A lot. He really mentioned Tikkun Olam a lot.”

The Daily Freier then asked Assaf about the suspect’s current state of health and welfare. “At first he was very upset and refused to stop singing ‘Bim Bam’ again and again.” Assaf explained. “But we gave him some back issues of Tikkun Magazine and a nice carob cake. He seems happy.“

The Daily Freier then contacted Jerusalem’s Hebrew Union College and asked if they had anything to do with today’s disturbance. A faculty member named “Rabbi Danny” disputed our line of questioning. “These stereotypes have got to stop. You act like Reform Rabbis walk around barefoot in Shul all day when we’re not busy composting. This simply is not True.“ **

News of the arrest spread like wildfire throughout Israel. “This meddling by so-called Reform Jews is unacceptable and an insult to our Community.” fumed a spokesperson for the United Torah Judaism Party. “Now if you will excuse me, we need to block the extradition of an accused sex offender to Australia.“

As the article went to press, the entire Rabbinical Class from HUC was standing outside of the police station holding candles and singing “Shalom Rav” while some of the students played the guitar.

** Real World Alert: We did in fact visit a Shul where the Rabbi wasn’t wearing any shoes. But in fairness, he was Masorti.  Zero points awarded for guessing that this happened in Tel Aviv.

 

Binyamin Netanyahu, Israeli Politics, Judaism, Tikkun Olam

In bold compromise, Netanyahu promises to continue cashing Reform Jews’ checks

Daily Freier In bold compromise, Netanyahu promises to continue cashing Diaspora Jews’ checks (Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 7/2/2016 at 5:30 PM

Jerusalem, The Knesset: In a move described as “bold“, “courageous“, and “resolute“, Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has vowed that despite going back on the Western Wall Agreement, he will continue accepting money from Diaspora Jews regardless of their level of religiosity or political stands. The Daily Freier attended a Press Conference in Jerusalem where Bibi explained his stand.

“Jews in the Diaspora, Make no mistake: No matter your stands on the Kotel, or conversions, or the Rabbanut….. we in Israel will never stop cashing your checks. And for those of you who are afraid that Israel doesn’t respect you, let me say again…. I will always cash your checks.”

News of this brave stance sent shockwaves throughout Israel and the Jewish world. In the United States, the Reform Movement vowed to put some skin in the game and made plans for 100,000 American Reform Jews to make Aliyah by next year in order to…. Just Kidding! They actually just put on some tie dye tallit and sang some Debbie Friedman songs.

Meanwhile, the religious parties in Israel responded with indignation. “How can these so-called Jews from North America even consider themselves Jewish?” demanded a spokesperson for the Shas Party. “I mean, their leadership has never even served a prison term for accepting $155,000 in a paper sack!”

After his Press Conference, the Prime Minister had a question and answer session, with Bibi providing the questions and answers. “In these days of a rising BDS Movement, what can we do to truly tell the World’s second biggest Jewish community that we are all in this together?” asked Prime Minister Netanyahu.  “If you answered “throw Reform and Conservative Jews under the bus and renege on a previous agreement“, then award yourself a prize.”

 

 

 

Judaism, Tikkun Olam

“Women of the Wall” celebrate right to daven as Men by daytrading on their phones at Shachrit and falling asleep during Dvrei Torah

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 2/12/2016 at 11:30 AM

Jerusalem, HaKotel: The progressive Jewish community both in Israel and abroad is celebrating the recent ruling allowing women to pray at the Western Wall while wearing Talit, wrapping Tefillin, and holding the Torah. Yet while many in the Progressive World are applauding these steps, other voices feel that the struggle is not over. “We demand full equality, and we will only have this when we have the right to perform all of the activities that are traditionally performed by men.” noted Rabbi Miriam G. as she began furiously daytrading an IPO on her I-Phone during Silent Amidah.  “It is time to break down these artificial constructs and free ourselves.” she said while walking around telling total strangers that she didn’t like the way they wrapped their Tefillin.

The Daily Freier also had the opportunity to hear from activist Tirza W. “This is not just a victory for Women of the Wall, this is a victory for inclusion and equality.” she observed, shortly before falling into a coma-like sleep as the Rabbi began her Divrei Torah on this week’s portion.

At this point the Daily Freier left the premises, as the women ignored us to angrily debate the referee’s calls in yesterday’s game.

 

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