(photo credit: SGC Media)
By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 2/13/2023 at 5:00 PM
Jerusalem, The Dung Gate: With inter-communal tension in Israel on the rise, police today prevented a potentially serious escalation in Jerusalem’s Old City. A Reform Jewish activist aroused the suspicion of Police as he attempted to enter the Western Wall Plaza. When police searched his WGBH Boston totebag, they discovered a tambourine
and some Debbie Friedman bootlegs. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all the facts.
As the suspect was led away in handcuffs, the Daily Freier asked security personnel just what aroused their suspicion. A police spokesman named Assaf answered our questions. “We get a lot of Jerusalem Syndrome here, but this was different. When we asked the suspect what he was doing at the Kotel, he mentioned Tikkun Olam. A lot. He really mentioned Tikkun Olam a lot.”
The Daily Freier then asked Assaf about the suspect’s current state of health and welfare. “At first he was very upset and refused to stop singing ‘Bim Bam’ again and again.” Assaf explained. “But we gave him some back issues of Tikkun Magazine and a nice carob cake. He seems happy.“
The Daily Freier then contacted Jerusalem’s Hebrew Union College and asked if they had anything to do with today’s disturbance. A faculty member named “Rabbi Danny” disputed our line of questioning. “These stereotypes have got to stop. You act like Reform Rabbis walk around barefoot in Shul all day when we’re not busy composting. This simply is not True.“ **
News of the arrest spread like wildfire throughout Israel. “This meddling by so-called Reform Jews is unacceptable and an insult to our Community.” fumed a spokesperson for the United Torah Judaism Party. “Now if you will excuse me, we need to block the extradition of an accused sex offender to Australia.“
As the article went to press, the entire Rabbinical Class from HUC was standing outside of the police station holding candles and singing “Shalom Rav” while some of the students played the guitar.
** Real World Alert: We did in fact visit a Shul where the Rabbi wasn’t wearing any shoes. But in fairness, he was Masorti. Zero points awarded for guessing that this happened in Tel Aviv.
Scene: Hebron, 1800 B.C.E
Abraham: Oy vey ist mir! My beloved Sarah has died! Efron the Hittite, please let me bury my wife here.
Efron the Hittite: Fine, fine. Pick a cave. Mi cave es su cave.
Abraham: Efron, you are a real tzadik. But let me drop some shekels on you. How does 400 silver sound?
Efron: plus VAT?
Abraham: Yeah sure, plus VAT. Also, maybe we could cut a deal on recurring maintenance and….
(A stranger approaches)
Abraham: Can we help you?
Stranger: So that’s it? You think you can justify the Occupation with a few shekels?
Abraham: Sorry, but who the hell are you?
Stranger: I am Peter the Beinart. And you need to check your privilege.
(THE FREIER GUEST WROTE THIS STORY OVER ON ISRAELLYCOOL. CHECK IT OUT!)
(Photo Credit: Our Legal Department says that this idea came to us in a dream.)
(DISCLAIMER: We thought we had a totally original idea. Until the Buzzkills at ElderofZiyon said that Tikkun now has its own Haggadah. It’s getting harder and harder to satirize the Progressive Jewish Left.)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 4/24/2016 at 1:00 PM
Washington: With the completion of many a successful Passover Seder this year, the streets are buzzing with rave reviews for J-Street’s Haggadah. The Daily Freier wandered around Washington’s Food Co-Ops and Non-Profits until it got enough quotes to finish the article and go home to nap.
Code Pink web designer Moonwind Epstein enjoyed the Haggadah’s new look. “The old Haggadah just felt dated. Like it was 3,000 years old or something. So I really like the new Four Questions: “Why is this Iran Deal Better Than All Other Iran Deals?”
Saying that he “liked that there was a message“, Dylan Murray-Levinson-Smith, an intern at the New Israel Fund, extolled the new Haggadah’s educational aspect. “It’s been a long time since Hebrew School at the JCC, so it’s no surprise that I forgot that one of the plagues was named ‘Bibi.‘ Good times.”
Even though local dude “Max” knows “a lot” about Judaism, he too learned something new at his Second Night Seder. “The part where Moses gathers the Israelites and tells them that any entry into the Promised Land will first require “Justice for Jericho” and a “Right of Return for the Canaanites” just really moved me.”
While J-Street is proud of its Haggadah, it promises improvements for next year (not in Jerusalem!) to include addressing the “Root Causes” of Pharaoh’s grievances with the Israelites.