Scene: Hebron, 1800 B.C.E
Abraham: Oy vey ist mir! My beloved Sarah has died! Efron the Hittite, please let me bury my wife here.
Efron the Hittite: Fine, fine. Pick a cave. Mi cave es su cave.
Abraham: Efron, you are a real tzadik. But let me drop some shekels on you. How does 400 silver sound?
Efron: plus VAT?
Abraham: Yeah sure, plus VAT. Also, maybe we could cut a deal on recurring maintenance and….
(A stranger approaches)
Abraham: Can we help you?
Stranger: So that’s it? You think you can justify the Occupation with a few shekels?
Abraham: Sorry, but who the hell are you?
Stranger: I am Peter the Beinart. And you need to check your privilege.
(THE FREIER GUEST WROTE THIS STORY OVER ON ISRAELLYCOOL. CHECK IT OUT!)
(Photo Credit: Our Legal Department says that this idea came to us in a dream.)
(DISCLAIMER: We thought we had a totally original idea. Until the Buzzkills at ElderofZiyon said that Tikkun now has its own Haggadah. It’s getting harder and harder to satirize the Progressive Jewish Left.)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 4/24/2016 at 1:00 PM
Washington: With the completion of many a successful Passover Seder this year, the streets are buzzing with rave reviews for J-Street’s Haggadah. The Daily Freier wandered around Washington’s Food Co-Ops and Non-Profits until it got enough quotes to finish the article and go home to nap.
Code Pink web designer Moonwind Epstein enjoyed the Haggadah’s new look. “The old Haggadah just felt dated. Like it was 3,000 years old or something. So I really like the new Four Questions: “Why is this Iran Deal Better Than All Other Iran Deals?”
Saying that he “liked that there was a message“, Dylan Murray-Levinson-Smith, an intern at the New Israel Fund, extolled the new Haggadah’s educational aspect. “It’s been a long time since Hebrew School at the JCC, so it’s no surprise that I forgot that one of the plagues was named ‘Bibi.‘ Good times.”
Even though local dude “Max” knows “a lot” about Judaism, he too learned something new at his Second Night Seder. “The part where Moses gathers the Israelites and tells them that any entry into the Promised Land will first require “Justice for Jericho” and a “Right of Return for the Canaanites” just really moved me.”
While J-Street is proud of its Haggadah, it promises improvements for next year (not in Jerusalem!) to include addressing the “Root Causes” of Pharaoh’s grievances with the Israelites.