Tag: Naftali Bennett

From now on we only write stories about the Jerusalem Sinkhole

(photo credit: Twitter)

So on Monday afternoon a giant sinkhole opened up in the parking lot of a Jerusalem Hospital, swallowing cars and generally behaving badly. Some people blamed it on the Shidduch Crisis. Others blamed it on the Jooz(really). But the Daily Freier went a step further, and will stop all other activity for the immediate future as we doggedly pursue multiple stories about this Enigma of a Sinkhole. So without further ado, here is a list of our upcoming Sinkhole Stories.


1. “I’m a Start-Up.” Jerusalem Sinkhole rebrands himself

2. Shas blames Sinkhole on Naftali Bennett

3. Outrage after Sinkhole goes on Secret Jerusalem and asks where he can get a bacon cheeseburger

4. “Have you wrapped Tefillin today?” Chabadnik stops by the Sinkhole

5. Bibi says he can’t leave office “until we fix the Sinkhole crisis

6. Rashida Tlaib claims that her grandmother used to live in the Sinkhole before the Naqba

7. Leaked audio reveals Sara Netanyahu screaming at the Sinkhole about her Masters Degree

8. Sinkhole’s wife wants to move to Ramat Bet Shemesh because their current kitchen is too small

9. “Was he secretly Messianic?” The Sinkhole’s Jerusalem Minyan has its suspicions

10. Bar Rafaeli says she really wanted to pay her taxes but the sinkhole stopped her

11. CNN begins referring to the “Occupied Arab sinkhole”

12. “What about Tzfat?” Nefesh b’Nefesh invites the Sinkhole to explore their “Go North” program

13. Sarah Tuttle-Singer shares a taxi with the Sinkhole and they discuss Tamar from the Bible for 3 hours

14. The Sinkhole starts lying about his Army service to impress Taglit girls

15. Jerusalem Sinkhole canceled after his old tweets surface

16. Litzman blocks efforts to extradite Sinkhole to Australia on sex charges

17. Ariel Gold informs the Sinkhole that he’s actually from Spain

18. Sinkhole claims he’s enrolled at Or Sameach but I see him in Crack Square every night smoking weed

19. Jerusalem Sinkhole claims that Maktesh Ramon is his cousin

20. Liami is trying to Keep the Sinkhole in Israel

“Recount the votes or I sing another duet with Ayelet.” Bennett threatens Knesset

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/11/2019 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem:  Today the New Right Party issued an ultimatum to the Israeli Election Board: either perform a complete recount of Tuesday’s vote or else be ready for another bizarre music video from party leaders Naftali Bennett and Ayelet Shaked. So far the New Right has failed to meet the 3.5% vote threshold required to receive Knesset seats, and this outcome is deemed unacceptable. You see, 6 months ago Bennett and Shaked were considered top challengers to Prime Minister Netanyahu. But as far as we can tell, Bibi has voodoo dolls of all of his enemies and forces them to say or do a series of really dumb things. (Wait, do you have a BETTER explanation? No? We thought so.) Thus…

1) Bennett and Shaked left a perfectly good party to start a new party.

2) Shaked made a fake perfume video called “Fascism”. (No. Really.)

3) Shaked made a weird 1980’s-style music video about breaking up with the Army. And Bennett rapped on the track. (No. Really.)

Yada, Yada, Yada, they lost. Badly. They got beat by Meretz, which absolutely DOMINATED the vote on several entire streets near Gan Meir. They got beat by Moshe Feiglin’s party, whose entire campaign infrastructure appeared to be run off of Telegrass. So Bennett pushed back at a Press Conference today.

Our demands are simple.” Bennett intoned. “A full and comprehensive recount of the votes or else Ms. Shaked does another weird 1980’s-style concept video that makes you think that you’re high even though you’re not.

Bennett continued. “Do you think we’re bluffing? Try me. Ayelet wants to make another fake perfume video. So don’t doubt us….. I’m ready to do another freestyle rap. I might even beatbox this time. I’m totally serious.

As the Press Conference adjourned, Ayelet Shaked could be seen behind the stage pushing an electric synthesizer, colored lights, and a fog machine.

 

In bold compromise, Netanyahu promises to continue cashing Reform Jews’ checks

Daily Freier In bold compromise, Netanyahu promises to continue cashing Diaspora Jews’ checks (Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 7/2/2016 at 5:30 PM

Jerusalem, The Knesset: In a move described as “bold“, “courageous“, and “resolute“, Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has vowed that despite going back on the Western Wall Agreement, he will continue accepting money from Diaspora Jews regardless of their level of religiosity or political stands. The Daily Freier attended a Press Conference in Jerusalem where Bibi explained his stand.

Jews in the Diaspora, Make no mistake: No matter your stands on the Kotel, or conversions, or the Rabbanut….. we in Israel will never stop cashing your checks. And for those of you who are afraid that Israel doesn’t respect you, let me say again…. I will always cash your checks.

News of this brave stance sent shockwaves throughout Israel and the Jewish world. In the United States, the Reform Movement vowed to put some skin in the game and made plans for 100,000 American Reform Jews to make Aliyah by next year in order to…. Just Kidding! They actually just put on some tie dye tallit and sang some Debbie Friedman songs.

Meanwhile, the religious parties in Israel responded with indignation. “How can these so-called Jews from North America even consider themselves Jewish?” demanded a spokesperson for the Shas Party. “I mean, their leadership has never even served a prison term for accepting $155,000 in a paper sack!

After his Press Conference, the Prime Minister had a question and answer session, with Bibi providing the questions and answers. “In these days of a rising BDS Movement, what can we do to truly tell the World’s second biggest Jewish community that we are all in this together?” asked Prime Minister Netanyahu.  “If you answered “throw Reform and Conservative Jews under the bus and renege on a previous agreement“, then award yourself a prize.

 

 

 

Naftali Bennett: Ban the Daily Freier from the Israeli School Curriculum!

cropped-tel_aviv_jellyfishThe Daily Freier strongly urges that the Israeli Ministry of Education ban the Daily Freier from the national school curriculum. The reasons for this move are several.

First, some bad words are used.  It describes the mean streets of Tel Aviv.  You know, keeping it real.

Second, it tries to annoy everybody.  It mocks the religious with a newly observant Roomba that informs the Chief Rabbinate that she operates on the Sabbath. It lampoons the self-absorbed city by the sea called Tel Aviv. The Freier trolls Chris Gunness as an art form.

Finally, and most importantly, Getting Banned Is Where The Money Is! Just ask Dorit Rabinyan. I mean, let’s face it: NOBODY READS THE DAILY FREIER.  But a little controversy, a comprehensive ban, and Bang!  Cash money in full effect!

So if our readers want to support us by posting pictures of Jews kissing Arabs, Men kissing women, women kissing men, women kissing women kissing men, Circassians kissing Druze kissing Black Hebrews, that’s cool too.

Do the Right Thing. Ban the Daily Freier.

https://www.change.org/p/naftali-bennett-ban-the-daily-freier-from-the-israeli-school-curriculum?recruiter=466349314&utm_source=share_for_starters&utm_medium=copyLink