Tag: Hebrew Union College

Israeli Politics, Tikkun Olam

Reform Jewish Activist caught smuggling Tambourine at Western Wall

(photo credit: SGC Media)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 2/13/2023 at 5:00 PM

Jerusalem, The Dung Gate: With inter-communal tension in Israel on the rise, police today prevented a potentially serious escalation in Jerusalem’s Old City. A Reform Jewish activist  aroused the suspicion of Police as he attempted to enter the Western Wall Plaza. When police searched his WGBH Boston totebag, they discovered a tambourine and some Debbie Friedman bootlegs. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all the facts.

As the suspect was led away in handcuffs, the Daily Freier asked security personnel just what aroused their suspicion. A police spokesman named Assaf answered our questions. “We get a lot of Jerusalem Syndrome here, but this was different. When we asked the suspect what he was doing at the Kotel, he mentioned Tikkun Olam. A lot. He really mentioned Tikkun Olam a lot.”

The Daily Freier then asked Assaf about the suspect’s current state of health and welfare. “At first he was very upset and refused to stop singing ‘Bim Bam’ again and again.” Assaf explained. “But we gave him some back issues of Tikkun Magazine and a nice carob cake. He seems happy.“

The Daily Freier then contacted Jerusalem’s Hebrew Union College and asked if they had anything to do with today’s disturbance. A faculty member named “Rabbi Danny” disputed our line of questioning. “These stereotypes have got to stop. You act like Reform Rabbis walk around barefoot in Shul all day when we’re not busy composting. This simply is not True.“ **

News of the arrest spread like wildfire throughout Israel. “This meddling by so-called Reform Jews is unacceptable and an insult to our Community.” fumed a spokesperson for the United Torah Judaism Party. “Now if you will excuse me, we need to block the extradition of an accused sex offender to Australia.“

As the article went to press, the entire Rabbinical Class from HUC was standing outside of the police station holding candles and singing “Shalom Rav” while some of the students played the guitar.

** Real World Alert: We did in fact visit a Shul where the Rabbi wasn’t wearing any shoes. But in fairness, he was Masorti.  Zero points awarded for guessing that this happened in Tel Aviv.

 

Tikkun Olam

BREAKING: Reform Judaism to permit Tallit on Men

(photo credit: Our Friends/Really Good Sports over at Reform Judaism)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 10/2/2019 at 8:20 AM

Cincinnati: Last week’s Conference on Reform Judaism at Hebrew Union College apparently yielded a far-reaching and controversial ruling. Effective immediately, Reform Synagogues will also allow men to wear Tallit! As soon as The Daily Freier found out, we grabbed our funky oversized kippot and flew to Cincinatti for this historical occasion. We almost couldn’t wait until after Rosh Hashana to publish the story, but we somehow found the strength.

We first met with HUC Spokesperson Melissa T. about the big change. “This ruling is truly a symbol of Tikkun Olam. The very act of men now donning Tallit embodies the concept of Tikkun Olam.” The Daily Freier asked if she had anything to add to her statement. “Tikkun Olam!” she replied.

The Daily Freier then spoke to aspiring Rabbi Adam G. “This ruling is a real game changer. I can’t wait to wear tallit in my congregation as a new Rabbi….. I mean, just as soon as I get a passing grade in guitar class.”

Results from Israel were swift, with Prime Minister Netanyahu making a strong statement. “My message to American Jews is simple: Regardless of how you feel about today’s ruling, we in Israel stand ready to continue cashing your checks. And when it comes to questions of religious pluralism versus tradition, we in Israel stand ready to continue cashing your checks.”

UPDATE: The Reform Movement says it’s “too soon” to speculate whether they will permit Shabbat services without tambourines.

Judaism, Tikkun Olam

Reform Jew hospitalized after doing whiskey shot each time Rabbi mentioned “Tikkun Olam”

(Please Don’t Try This At Home!)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 12/29/2018 at 5:45 PM

Philadelphia: A member of the Reform Jewish Community is lucky to be alive this evening after engaging in a risky drinking game. Adam G. is currently in stable condition after drinking a shot of Scotch each time the Rabbi at his Reform Temple invoked “Tikkun Olam” during the Shabbat sermon. The Daily Freier spoke with bystanders about this near-tragic event.

“I was sitting with Adam in the back of the Sanctuary by that table with all the old issues of Lilith, and things started okay.” explained Adam’s friend Seth. “The Rabbi mentioned the canned food drive, and invoked Tikkun Olam, so Adam took a shot. Fine, whatever. Then the Rabbi kind of got on a roll. When he started talking about Trump, I knew Adam was in trouble. By the time the Rabbi got to his anecdote about meeting Beto O’Rourke at the Austin Rally for Justice, Adam was slurring his words. When the Rabbi started talking about the Fair-Trade Hummus at his Food Co-Op, Adam was on the floor. I started CPR, and everyone sang Bim-Bam until the paramedics arrived.”

According to Adam’s friend Lisa, this sort of risky behavior should not have been a surprise. “Ever since Adam was kicked out of Hebrew Union College Rabbinic School for failing guitar class, he’s been on a bit of a downward spiral. I guess we should have seen this coming.”

According to sources close to Adam, he is “totally done” with the Tikkun Olam Drinking challenge. But tomorrow afternoon he intends to read The Forward and do a Bong Hit every time Peter Beinart starts a sentence with “As a Jew“.

 

 

Judaism, Tikkun Olam

Aspiring Reform Rabbi dropped from HUC after he fails guitar class

Hebrew Union College Daily Freier guitarBy Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 9/24/2017 at 6:00 PM

Jerusalem: Hebrew Union College, the Reform Movement’s theological seminary, has acted quickly to remove an aspiring Rabbi who failed to meet their program’s standards. Adam G. is a native of Chicago who has failed his mandatory Guitar Class, and thus now faces expulsion.

Dean Melissa Levy-McIntosh explained. “Adam simply failed to acclimate to our Institution’s rigorous standards. I mean, he speaks Hebrew fluently, which is great, I guess. But his guitar work was simply atrocious.” The Daily Freier challenged Dean Levy-McIntosh but she was adamant. “We gave Adam plenty of chances. We even supplied a tutor. And when his instructor informed me that Adam had not yet advanced past “Bim Bam”, I decided to sit in on a class just to make sure. Let me tell you, that was the worst “Shalom Rav” I have ever heard. Also, during the break I saw him approach a classmate and ask who Debbie Friedman was.”

Hebrew Union College has urged Adam to re-apply for the Autumn 2018 Class provided he goes hiking in the Berkshires and maybe takes some tambourine lessons.