Tag: Nes Gadol Haya Po

“Looking for 8 Days of Freedom”: The Hoff tells the story of The Chanukah

Okay people, who else is ready to celebrate some Chanukah? Great food, Great games, Great songs! And guess what? It’s a Great story too! Now let the Hoff take you down memory lane for a few minutes!

So a long time ago, like 2300 years ago, the Ancient Greeks conquered Israel. And things were OK for a while, but then it just got weird. And somewhere around Episode 3, the Greeks became Syrians and got a bad King named Antiochus. So the Ancient Greeks worshipped a bunch of Gods and did their workouts in the gymnasium without any clothes on, and tried to force the Jews to worship all the Gods, and exercise naked. OK all the different gods is a bit weird, but can we give them a pass on the not wearing a lot of clothes thing? I mean, maybe they could film the scenes in slow-motion or something. With red swimsuits! It’s kinda good for the ratings, trust me on this.

Wait where was I? OK, so there was a guy named Judah Maccabee, and he decided to stand up and fight this crime with the help of his brothers and an incredible black chariot with these moving red LED lights on the front. And the chariot could talk and it would give Judah Maccabee advice and stuff. I mean, how cool is that?

Then Judah and his brothers told the Syrians; “Hey! We’re Looking for Freedom from your unfair rules!” So they led the Jews against the Syrian Army. But it was tough. The Syrians shot lots and lots of arrows at the Jews, and they had to avoid getting hit. Kinda like Dodgeball. But in the end, Judah Maccabee led the Jews to victory. And the Syrians learned a very tough lesson: Don’t Hassle the Hasmoneans!

And then they went back to their Temple, which was totally trashed. And they had to light their big lamp, and even though there was only enough material oil to last one day, somehow they stretched it out to 8 seasons days! Again, did they film it in slo-mo? No idea.

And today we celebrate this holiday with tasty doughnuts. And latkes! the latkes are so good, I could eat them off the floor!

Happy Hoffukah everybody!

 

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Scientists baffled as Tel Aviv now 100% covered in spliff smoke, but “everybody’s out of weed”

Daily Freier Tel Aviv IsraelBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/2/2017 at 11:20 AM

Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: Israel’s greatest scientific minds are stumped by a strange and disturbing anomaly of the Natural World: the complete and total coverage of the city of Tel Aviv in a haze of smoke from cannabis/tobacco spliffs, despite the fact that everybody in town is “totally out of weed.” The Daily Freier decided to turn to our science advisors, Gideon and Alex from the Technion, for an expert analysis.

What we are looking at is a possibly limitless source of renewable energy.” explained Alex. “If the matter in question, i.e. loosely rolled cigarettes containing a mix of tobacco and cannabis, can simply exist outside of the realm of matter being created or destroyed, then we may be on the cusp of something amazing. It would be like discovering a perpetual motion machine. Only cooler.”

Gideon agreed with Alex, but with an interesting theological twist. “One can be committed to science and reason, yet also believe that our Universe was created with Intelligent Design. Specifically, the concept that spliffs continue to materialize in Tel Aviv despite the universal absence of cannabis begs the question: Is this a modern miracle in the same venue as the miraculous Chanukah oil that lasted 8 Days? Like, Nes Gadol Haya Po?” Gideon was quick to mention that this theory is not confined to the Jewish Community. “I was just speaking to a priest in Jerusalem, and he likened the current state of affairs in Tel Aviv to the Wedding Feast of Cana where Christians believe that Jesus turned water into wine…. Except this must be bamba into cannabis. Or something like that.

When the Daily Freier pressed the scientists for a possible alternate theory, they insisted that their hypothesis would stand up to peer review. “Our data is sound. Something incredible is happening in Tel Aviv….. either that or everyone is just full of crap and secretly hoarding their weed stashes for themselves.

Hanukkah Miracle as Abbas Begins 11th Year of His 4-Year Presidency

This Joke is Now 3 Years Old!
Abbas Airlines(We originally published on the Times of Israel in 2015, but miraculously Abbas is still the President 3 years later. Happy 14th Anniversary Abu Mazen!)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/29/2015 at 1:20 PM

 

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