1. We need to prepare for our upcoming elections
2. Still kinda exhausted from Pride
3. Need to catch up on The Bachelor
4. Still haven’t forgiven Jared Kushner for those Game of Thrones spoilers
5. Our Ex just moved to Bahrain and we really don’t want to run into her
6. Frankly, John Bolton’s mustache frightens us
7. Coachella
8. We hear that Trump isn’t big on holding grudges
9. Still looking for parking
10. What part of “From the River to the Sea” don’t you understand?
This Joke is Now 5 Years Old!
(We originally published on the Times of Israel in 2015, but miraculously Abbas is still the President 4 years later. Happy 16th Anniversary Abu Mazen!)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/29/2015 at 1:20 PM
TEL AVIV: With only days left until the Festival of Lights, Israelis from all walks of life are celebrating a 21st Century miracle, as Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas prepares to begin the 11th Year of a Four Year term of office that began in January 2005. The Daily Freier spoke with Tel Aviv residents as they made preparations to celebrate this momentous occasion.
“So the legend is that there was only enough corruption, incitement and farce to last four years…” explained local historian Yoni K. as he looked for sufganyot and potatoes in the Shuk Ha Carmel. “But through a little luck and maybe even a miracle, his four-year term has lasted ten years and counting! Nes Gadol Haya Po!”
Nearby, local homemaker Rachel T. searched for Hanukkah gifts to send Mr. Abbas. “Abbas is always complaining about the Jews’ dirty feet, so I thought, why not get him a doormat…you know, just in case he has Jews over for company!”
While most people will celebrate Hanukkah as they always do, Florentin resident Danny G. wants to try something new this year. “Well first, I think we will hang out at my apartment and take turns reading President Abbas’ Doctoral Thesis. And then, I was thinking of hitting some clubs in Dubai with President Abbas’ son Yassar!”
Yafo resident Elad L. was just giddy with anticipation as he bought soda and cups. “I am so excited to celebrate the Miracle of Abu Mazen’s 10 Year Four Year Term! Nothing could make me sad right now! Except you know, if Abbas had to run for office again or something.“
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/2/2015 at 12:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Ben Gurion Airport: Noted author, New York Times columnist, and pundit Thomas Friedman was detained early this morning at Ben Gurion Airport for attempting to illegally smuggle multiple clichés out of the country. In addition, he is being held for possession of several non-sequiturs and homespun bits of nonsense that he failed to declare to Customs upon departure. The United States Embassy in Tel Aviv has sent a Consular Affairs official to the airport in order to meet with Mr. Friedman. The Embassy explained that the intent was to ensure that Mr. Friedman is being treated in accordance with all agreements and protocols between the two nations vis-a-vis detention of citizens in transit. Meanwhile, the Daily Freier is on the scene of the unfolding crisis and speaking with Israeli Border Authority Spokesperson Sarit B.
“Mr. Friedman exceeded the mandated cliché limit that Israeli Customs Law dictates. Normally we let people go if they have one or two Masada references. Same with “Stuff your neighborhood juice guy told you”. You’re also allowed to have two camel anecdotes from the Negev……Birthright participants are allowed six.”
Mr. Friedman first attracted attention while standing on line waiting for the pre-departure interview. Alert local Ronit S. was waiting on line next to him and discreetly notified security that something was amiss. Ronit shared her experience with the Daily Freier; “So it’s 7 AM, I’m on my way to Rome for a week, and this guy will Not…Stop…Talking to me. At first I ignored him because I thought he was just trying to hit on me. Then I realized it was far worse. He was trying to convince me that the Bible was actually a lot like a tech start-up in Palo Alto.”
Suspicions were further raised when Mr. Friedman informed Passport Control officer David P. that “Bibi is still bargaining but the Shuk is about to close!” followed by “If Assad watched Seinfeld then Putin should have played American football.” David explained the chain of events to the Daily Freier; “He wasn’t making any sense. I even called over my supervisor and we just sat there staring at him dumbfounded as he compared the Gaza withdrawal of 2005 to the Amtrak Acela train from DC to New York. None of us could figure out what the hell he was talking about so we detained him.”
When the Daily Freier queried David as to why Mr. Friedman was still being held, he replied “I don’t know. Why don’t you go ask ‘Captain Obvious’ over there.” as he gestured to Mr Friedman pacing backs and forth in his holding cell. When the Daily Freier approached the cell to talk to Mr. Friedman, he began screaming “The world is flat!……I wish that Mark Zuckerberg could run Saudi Arabia for a day!….. I’m overpaid!….. Bibi is buying matzoh but Abbas is selling a carpet!….. Olive trees!….. Random hummus reference!…..When you’re a hammer everything looks like a nail!….. NASDAQ! …..Georgetown!…. Jimmy Carter was a peanut farmer but Ariel Sharon was a rancher!….. That time I played backgammon with the late King Hussein!…. AirBnB could never work under Mubarak!….. What if King Solomon had Wi-Fi?”
Authorities were finally able to sedate Mr. Friedman with a phone call from a patient and genial Shimon Peres followed by an hour of traditional Israeli folk dancing with the guards, some of the cleaning staff, and the ladies who work in the duty-free shop.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/15//2015 at 12:30 PM
Jerusalem: During telephone calls described by sources as “tense” and “frank”, U.S. Secretary of State Kerry issued an ultimatum to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority President Abbas: If there is no significant reduction in violence by Friday, that the three of them and their respective staffs will spend the weekend discussing Secretary Kerry’s week-long yacht trip to Martha’s Vineyard this August. “We may discuss the yacht trip itself. I may need a couple of hours to explain the subtle nuances of the wind around Cape Cod. Will definitely touch on the time I ran into Joan Baez in Hyannis. I may even need to provide a complete analysis as to which bistro on the island Teresa and I like the best. Really, the sky’s the limit.”
Reaction to this threat was swift, with Israel’s Cabinet meeting in an emergency session. The Daily Freier was able to speak to a visibly distraught Minister Yaakov Litzman after the meeting. “I fear nothing but HaShem. Well…..HaShem and Secretary Kerry’s anecdotes about the Red Sox in the ’70’s.” Concern was equally high on the Palestinian side,with an alarmed Hanan Ashrawi telling the Daily Freier about her fears for the meeting. “I studied French at school……and Mister Kerry knows this…….if he wants to switch to French during the conversation, everybody knows who will pay the price: me.”
As Secretary Kerry prepared for his possible arrival, the Daily Freier informed him that windsurfing is quite popular in Israel and that he should talk about that for a while as well.