1. Doctor Fauci told everyone to stay home.
2. Still heartbroken over the Kim and Kanye breakup.
3. I’m binge-watching Fauda.
4. Peter Beinart keeps sexting me.
5. Climate Change
6. Ahed Tamimi ate all the food at the polling stations.
7. Can I still blame this on Trump?
8. Didn’t want to detract from Pride Week next month.
9. The wild pigs that the Zionists release every night (wait, he really said this).
10. Just trying to help the Daily Freier write a decent joke for once.
1. We need to prepare for our upcoming elections
2. Still kinda exhausted from Pride
3. Need to catch up on The Bachelor
4. Still haven’t forgiven Jared Kushner for those Game of Thrones spoilers
5. Our Ex just moved to Bahrain and we really don’t want to run into her
6. Frankly, John Bolton’s mustache frightens us
7. Coachella
8. We hear that Trump isn’t big on holding grudges
9. Still looking for parking
10. What part of “From the River to the Sea” don’t you understand?
So Israel and the Palestinian Authority ended some sort of dispute, and now Jordan can give them some mail that’s been held up since 2008 (Anyone who thinks this is just because of “The Occupation” is welcome to help us get our $50 worth of clothes from the Gap™ out of Ben Gurion Airport Customs without paying the $30 in fees that they demanded from us). But what long-hidden truths have been revealed? The Daily Freier got one of our Scandinavian backpacker friends to check out Ramallah and come back with a full report. And what a report it was! It’s like a Time Capsule from 2008! The first iPhone! Obamamania! Taylor Swift just broke up with a Jonas Brother! If only we could…. never mind. Anyhoo, here are the Top 10 Revelations in the mail!
10) That gift we need to get Hosni Mubarak for his “30 Years as President” party? Skip.
9) That invite to Qadaffi’s 2011 Folk Dancing Expo and Film Festival in Tripoli? Same.
8) The 2012 “Bashar Assad Salute to Arab Unity Weekend” in Damascus? You seeing a pattern yet?
7) Can somebody tell Mahmoud Al-Mabhouh to watch out for women in floppy hats and guys with tennis rackets when he goes to Dubai?
6) They say that the Zionist Dogs are going to build a High Speed Rail from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv by 2016.
5) That Real Estate Investment Prospectus from Ehud Olmert? No. Just No.
4) Bibi is in BIG Trouble! There is NO WAY the Israeli Left can screw up the 2015 Elections!
3) Obama just beat McCain! We will never get a more sympathetic friend in the White House! Now is the time to really sit down for negotiations and finally get our Palestinian State living in peace next to Israel! Wait, what’s that? We’re just going to blame Israel, do nothing for the next 8 years, and wait for something to happen? OK that also works.
2) Hahahaha! Donald Trump is running for President in 2016! Hahahaha!
1) Wait, Mahmoud Abbas is still in Office???
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/3/2018 at 6:45 PM
Ramallah: Shock & sorrow permeate this West Bank city after residents learned that spoiled actress who would never dare pull her stunts on an Arab police force political prisoner Ahed Tamimi had eaten “Palestine” during her stay in an Israeli jail. Ms. Tamimi, who gained fame punching Israeli soldiers on film, had apparently eaten the geographic entity known as “Palestine” in between her second and third helpings of baba ganoush some time in late June.
Palestinian Authority President shared his sorrow. “Never in the 14 years of my 4 year term of office have I felt such shame and humiliation. This is Al-Naqba 2018.”
The UN wasted now time scolding Israel for the unfolding tragedy, passing a Motion in the General Assembly by a vote of 147-2 (The United Kingdom abstained) admonishing Israel for giving Ahed “The Freshman 15”.
Meanwhile, Bree Skyfire-Williams, co-captain of the latest Flotilla to Gaza, was somewhat philosophical about the turn of events. “I guess this means she won’t need the emergency hummus and pita that we put in our cargo hold for her.“
UPDATE: Ms. Tamimi apparently is now launching a Book Tour in support of her memoir of imprisonment: “The Zionists made me add extra Tahina to my falafel“.
By Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 1/29/2017 at 5:30 PM
Ramallah: There was renewed hope among Palestinians this week after Mahmoud Abbas bagged $50 million in aid money to buy himself a private jet. While some accused the Palestinian President of selling out his people, Abbas said he deserved it.
“I am in the 14th year of my 4-year term and my legs aren’t what they used to be. I can’t be sat in armed jeeps the whole time, making things up, cursing, and handing out sweets to the kids.” he added.
The UN’s favorite little grandpa went on to say that he intended to use “Abbas Airlines” to transport his friends between Gaza City and Ramallah, once the freiers at the European Union finished building them a luxury airport with a lovely baggage carousel.
Hamas also welcomed the move, adding that foreign visitors would be most welcome. Visas would be free, but tourists are expected to take out their own insurance n the unlikely event that yada yada yada. Tourists are already lining up for the opportunity to see Arafat’s Tomb, the Roger Waters Wax Museum, the United Nations School that definitely was NOT used to fire mortars at Israel, and the Hamas Bumblebee. Also, Hamas mentioned something about a tunnel connecting Gaza International’s main concourse and downtown Tel Aviv.
The Abbas Airlines aircraft, dubbed “Quds Force 1”, boasts 72 flight attendants, each covered head to toe. And apparently they’re virgins.
Ramallah- Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas “condemned in the strongest terms” Israel’s “disproportionate and indiscriminate” response to tomorrow’s completely spontaneous riots. Tomorrow’s riots will be a grass-roots, spur of the moment populist reaction to President Donald Trump’s decision to move the United States Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, and will begin approximately 15 minutes after mid-morning prayers. Abbas described Israel’s “Barbaric” attack on tomorrow’s peaceful protesters at a news conference this evening.
This Joke is Now 5 Years Old!
(We originally published on the Times of Israel in 2015, but miraculously Abbas is still the President 4 years later. Happy 16th Anniversary Abu Mazen!)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/29/2015 at 1:20 PM
TEL AVIV: With only days left until the Festival of Lights, Israelis from all walks of life are celebrating a 21st Century miracle, as Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas prepares to begin the 11th Year of a Four Year term of office that began in January 2005. The Daily Freier spoke with Tel Aviv residents as they made preparations to celebrate this momentous occasion.
“So the legend is that there was only enough corruption, incitement and farce to last four years…” explained local historian Yoni K. as he looked for sufganyot and potatoes in the Shuk Ha Carmel. “But through a little luck and maybe even a miracle, his four-year term has lasted ten years and counting! Nes Gadol Haya Po!”
Nearby, local homemaker Rachel T. searched for Hanukkah gifts to send Mr. Abbas. “Abbas is always complaining about the Jews’ dirty feet, so I thought, why not get him a doormat…you know, just in case he has Jews over for company!”
While most people will celebrate Hanukkah as they always do, Florentin resident Danny G. wants to try something new this year. “Well first, I think we will hang out at my apartment and take turns reading President Abbas’ Doctoral Thesis. And then, I was thinking of hitting some clubs in Dubai with President Abbas’ son Yassar!”
Yafo resident Elad L. was just giddy with anticipation as he bought soda and cups. “I am so excited to celebrate the Miracle of Abu Mazen’s 10 Year Four Year Term! Nothing could make me sad right now! Except you know, if Abbas had to run for office again or something.“