Tag: protests

Biden Threatens Bibi: End Reforms Or Else Thomas Friedman Writes More Op-Eds

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/24/2023 at 11:00 PM

Washington: Israel-American relations are in deep crisis today with news that President Biden made explicit threats to Prime Minister Netanyahu: either call off judicial reforms or Thomas Friedman will continue writing his Opinion pieces about the situation. Mr. Friedman, famous pundit and taxi cab whisperer, has written a series of increasingly bizarre columns about the situation in Israel. Sources close to the White House were able to provide a partial transcript of the tense phone call.

Bibi: Hello?

Biden: Hey Bibi man, you gotta call off this Malarkey. This…. Come on, man.

(20 Second of Silence)

Bibi: What’s going on?

Biden: You want another Thomas Friedman Op-Ed? Because this is how you get another Thomas Friedman Op-Ed.

Bibi: Joe, be reasonable.

Biden: Corn Pop was a Bad Dude. But if you don’t back off this court stuff, we’re giving the Green Light to Friedman. Two Op-Eds a week, baby. We’re going to pay for all of his taxi rides for the next month. How do you like them, umm, what do you call them… them apples?

News of Biden’s hard line tactics shocked Washington insiders, who noted that Biden and Netanyahu have 40 years of history together.  Yet Israelis were just as equally shocked at the news.  Ramat Gan housewife Orit C. shared her views on the development while she waited on line with her kids at the Tel Aviv Namal McDonalds.

Friedman’s dumb articles haunt me.”  Orit explained. “It’s like he’s a ghost. A Scary Boomer Ghost. Who won’t leave.

For his part, Mr. Friedman was rather sanguine about these developments. “Bibi is playing Sheish Beish, but the protesters are watching Seinfeld. If King David learned to Code, then Arafat and Shimon Peres could have opened a Start-Up. If the Saudis run out of oil before Mark Zuckerberg fixes Facebook, then Elon Musk should have studied Farsi. To understand the Arab Street, you first must understand how The Smurfs changed Cairo in the 1980’s. Please, somebody stop me.”

As the story went to print, the Israeli public breathed a sigh of relief upon news that Friedman is currently busy writing a Think Piece about Bollywood, Al Gore, and Kabballah.




Protesters! Wanna defeat Bibi? Follow our Secret Plan!


1) Get more votes.

2) Win an Election.

Anti-Circumcision Guy at Shuk HaCarmel cuts 5% off the length of his daily protest event

Anti-Circumcision guy at Shuk HaCarmel cuts 5% off his daily protest time Daily Freier(Photo Credit: The Facebook)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/21/2016 at 6:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Carmel Market: Word on the streets is that the guy who stands outside Shuk HaCarmel protesting circumcision holding a graphic sign while wearing pants with a fake bloodstain around the junk region…. yeah, that guy. Anyway, it appears that he has snipped utilized efficiencies to reduce between 5 and 7 percent from his daily time spent protesting the Covenant of Abraham in front of a bunch of Jews who no doubt are having serious second thoughts about their previously great idea to grab a nice shawarma before doing some grocery shopping in the Shuk.  The Daily Freier took the time to speak with Anti-Circumcision Guy to get his incisive analysis on what is going down in the Foreskin Protection Protest Community.

So it’s kind of hot and dusty here in the Summer.” explained Anti-Circumcision Guy.” And I figured, a shorter speech means that I don’t spend so much time in the hot summer sun. So yeah, when it comes to time spent protesting out here, I cut a little off the top. And you know what? I’m less sunburned now and even a bit less dehydrated. So I guess you could say there are even some medical benefits to this practice. With all the heat and dust here, the shorter length protest just seemed more sanitary.”

The Daily Freier asked the Notorious Anti-Circumcision Guy (or just “Notorious ACG“) if he ever had problems with members of the Community whom he encountered on the street. “Sure, some Counter-Protesters show up from time to time to yell at me, but they’re really just being dicks unhelpful and argumentative. I just try to ignore them and keep sharing my views.”

Despite his failure to change minds, Notorious ACG is not giving up. “I’ve been out here a long time. It’s a tradition. And it would be stupid to turn my back on this tradition just because some people recently started to disagree with it…… I’ve also found that a slightly shorter, neater speech is just more aesthetically pleasing to the public. Besides, Israeli women seem to prefer the protests better this way.

At that moment, Alert local Ronit S. passed by and vigorously agreed with Anti-Circumcision Guy’s belief that a shorter protest was better, but clarified that “We really just want at least 5% off wherever we go“.