Tel Aviv: With the news that Joe Biden is on track to win the Presidency, things might get a bit rough for our Prime Minister, as The Bibi and The Donald had developed quite a rapport over the years. Plus, Biden served as President Obama’s VP and Netanyahu’s relationship with Obama were kinda hit or miss. So Prime Minister Netanyahu knew he had to act fast. This morning, Bibi sent a nice note to the Democratic National Committee outlining a new initiative.
“I just built a statue of Bernie Sanders on Tel Aviv Beach!” it announced. “I know how much you love that guy! Let’s open a new chapter of cooperation between our two great nations!“
The Prime Minister defended his actions at a hastily held Press Conference at the Knesset, taking questions from the assembled reporters. When the Daily Freier confronted him, noting that the statue in fact depicted famed Israeli Prime Minister David Ben Gurion, Bibi replied: “I said it was a statue of a cranky Ashkenazi Socialist born a long time ago. Tell me where I lied.”
Following the press conference, Yair Netanyahu announced that in the spirit of goodwill, he “would like to show Hunter Biden the town” when Mr. Biden’s son visits Tel Aviv.
Jerusalem: Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu spent the day reaching out to leaders in the Ethiopian and Bedouin Communities, urging them to join him in a demonstration against the Israeli Police.
When asked by community leaders why he chose now to reach out for a joint protest, Mr. Netanyahu discussed what he considers to be a natural and obvious connection between himself and Minority Communities. “For years, the establishment has been biased against me, determined to keep me down and oppressed. My advisors tell me that you and your children feel similarly, perhaps even as much as I do.”
This past summer, Israelis of Ethiopian descent protested against police brutality following the killing of 18-year-old Solomon Teka by an off-duty officer, an incident seen by many as emblematic of systemic racism.
“As you know, they’ve been out for me since the beginning. I’ve heard you feel the same way.” Israel’s leader told the group of head-shaking activists. “The system is biased against people like us. We need to stick together.”
Unsurprisingly, some thought the timing of this initiative was a bit…. convenient. Late last week, Prime Minister Netanyahu was formally indicted on charges of bribery, fraud, and breach of trust. In recent years, Bibi has been accused of requesting and receiving gifts in return for favors.
“This protest will be about standing up together in the face of discrimination.” the Prime Minister explained to media after the event. “Ethiopian Israelis should not fear drinking champagne or enjoying the occasional cigar, nor should I. Interrogate the interrogators.”
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister’s office said that Netanyahu’s outreach has actually been part of his Likud platform for quite some time. “Prime Minister Netanyahu has wanted to initiate this demonstration for years, but obstacles have presented themselves time and time again. The Attorney General’s current witch hunt against him simply demonstrates his foresight.”
Gotta tell ya, that cartoon was disgusting. One of your worst. For historical reference, it resembled something from Der Stürmer circa 1934. Using the theme of a blind American President being led around by an Israeli Prime Minister? Come on, really? Knowing the historic context of this accusation? You portrayed a Jewish leader as a dog. On a leash, no less! Under his collar was a Star of David. Really? Was that really necessary? Showing Jews as dogs is a step toward dehumanization. Everyone knows that, right? Lots of Editors had to be in on the approval process for this piece. Very curious, is anyone losing their job over this cartoon? Either that or nothing is actually going to happen to anyone who had a part of this, right? So in conclusion, Apology Not Accepted.
Jerusalem: Today the New Right Party issued an ultimatum to the Israeli Election Board: either perform a complete recount of Tuesday’s vote or else be ready for another bizarre music video from party leaders Naftali Bennett and Ayelet Shaked. So far the New Right has failed to meet the 3.5% vote threshold required to receive Knesset seats, and this outcome is deemed unacceptable. You see, 6 months ago Bennett and Shaked were considered top challengers to Prime Minister Netanyahu. But as far as we can tell, Bibi has voodoo dolls of all of his enemies and forces them to say or do a series of really dumb things. (Wait, do you have a BETTER explanation? No? We thought so.) Thus…
2) Shaked made a fake perfume video called “Fascism”. (No. Really.)
3) Shaked made a weird 1980’s-style music video about breaking up with the Army. And Bennett rapped on the track. (No. Really.)
Yada, Yada, Yada, they lost. Badly. They got beat by Meretz, which absolutely DOMINATED the vote on several entire streets near Gan Meir. They got beat by Moshe Feiglin’s party, whose entire campaign infrastructure appeared to be run off of Telegrass. So Bennett pushed back at a Press Conference today.
“Our demands are simple.” Bennett intoned. “A full and comprehensive recount of the votes or else Ms. Shaked does another weird 1980’s-style concept video that makes you think that you’re high even though you’re not.”
Bennett continued. “Do you think we’re bluffing? Try me. Ayelet wants to make another fake perfume video. So don’t doubt us….. I’m ready to do another freestyle rap. I might even beatbox this time. I’m totally serious.”
As the Press Conference adjourned, Ayelet Shaked could be seen behind the stage pushing an electric synthesizer, colored lights, and a fog machine.
So for Israel’s Independence Day, our very own President Rivlin let his voice be used for the driving instructions on Waze, the Israeli Navigation App. However, the Daily Freier learned that Rivlin was not Waze’s first choice…. but that all the other choices disqualified themselves for one reason or another. So the Daily Freier has uncovered the transcripts for these rejected applicants and shared them with you, our loyal readers. To date we have shared the Waze instructions provided by Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer and also your Nefesh B’Nefesh Aliyah Counselor! Anyhoo, guess who we have today? That’s right, the Netanyahus: Bibi, Sara, and Yair! Isn’t this Amazing? Let’s check it out!
Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu: Good afternoon and I would like to thank you for using Waze for your journey today. Did you know that Israeli innovation has led to the cherry tomato, the thumb drive, and Gal Gadot? We are truly the Start-Up Nation becau….
Sara Netanyahu: OK Hurry up and pull into traffic, we don’t have all day.
Bibi: So where are you driving today? Herzliya? Excellent choice! It is an incubator for technology and…
Sara: Turn left! Didn’t I tell you to turn left? Why aren’t you listening to me? You don’t think I’m educated? I am a trained psychologist! Psych-o-lo-gist! B.A ! M.A ! Don’t you know who I am? You’re going to get fired! You want to get fired?
Bibi: Sara, we can’t fire him. He doesn’t actually work for us. Besides, our new friend is going to do me a favor and run into this cigar store in the Tel Aviv Namal Port and pick up that box of Dominican Coronas I ordered. Wait, you asked how much you need to pay? Oh don’t be silly, I don’t pay for stuff like this. But go ahead and take this bag of deposit bottles in with you and bring back the change. Thank you my friend, I appreciate it. You know, a Waze trip is really a team effort. Like a sports team. Or, I don’t know, a submarine.
[Vehicle has temporarily stopped.]
Sara: You’re back?! Finally?! What are we paying you for? Hurry up and drive!
Yair Netanyahu: Hey, we’re about to pass the Pussycat Lounge. Can you jump out and ask if Cinnamon is working tonight? Because she said that if I bring people to the champagne room during her shift, she would rock my…..
Sara: Turn left! I told you to turn left!
Bibi: Hey, you missed the turn. Where are you going? And why are you trying to get out of the car? We’re in the middle of traffic! Wait, you want to quit your Waze trip? Come on, let’s talk about this. Because I’m willing to do almost anything to keep you in thiscoalitioncar with us. Name your price. Close all the makolets on Shabbat? Deal. Keep exempting Haredim from conscription? Consider it done. Go back on my word about letting the Reform pray at the Western Wall? Done and Done. Hey, where are you going???
Yair: Achi, before you go…. can I borrow 400 Shekels?
Jerusalem: In a dramatic political move, Shas Party leader Aryeh Deri agreed to join the Prime Minister’s coalition in exchange for half of the proceeds from Bibi and Sara Netanyahu’s deposit bottle returns. At first Shas was reluctant about the scenario. “When I found out that the Prime Minister and his wife were turning in bottles from state events and keeping the deposit money, I was livid…….that I didn’t get a piece of the action!” noted Shas leader Aryeh Deri. “It’s not much, but 30 Agurot here and 30 Agurot there, and soon you’ve got $155,000!” In addition, as part of the agreement, Shas was promised the Economy Ministry. Subsequently, today the Economy Ministry today mandated that catering for future State Events must use bottles no larger than 250 milliliters.
As the interview ended, Mr. Deri asked if the Daily Freier had any money, and if so, would we like to give some of it to Mr. Deri.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.