Tag: Binyamin Netanyahu

Binyamin Netanyahu, Joe Biden, Protests 2023, Thomas Friedman

Biden Threatens Bibi: End Reforms Or Else Thomas Friedman Writes More Op-Eds

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/24/2023 at 11:00 PM

Washington: Israel-American relations are in deep crisis today with news that President Biden made explicit threats to Prime Minister Netanyahu: either call off judicial reforms or Thomas Friedman will continue writing his Opinion pieces about the situation. Mr. Friedman, famous pundit and taxi cab whisperer, has written a series of increasingly bizarre columns about the situation in Israel. Sources close to the White House were able to provide a partial transcript of the tense phone call.

Bibi: Hello?

Biden: Hey Bibi man, you gotta call off this Malarkey. This…. Come on, man.

(20 Second of Silence)

Bibi: What’s going on?

Biden: You want another Thomas Friedman Op-Ed? Because this is how you get another Thomas Friedman Op-Ed.

Bibi: Joe, be reasonable.

Biden: Corn Pop was a Bad Dude. But if you don’t back off this court stuff, we’re giving the Green Light to Friedman. Two Op-Eds a week, baby. We’re going to pay for all of his taxi rides for the next month. How do you like them, umm, what do you call them… them apples?

News of Biden’s hard line tactics shocked Washington insiders, who noted that Biden and Netanyahu have 40 years of history together.  Yet Israelis were just as equally shocked at the news.  Ramat Gan housewife Orit C. shared her views on the development while she waited on line with her kids at the Tel Aviv Namal McDonalds.

“Friedman’s dumb articles haunt me.”  Orit explained. “It’s like he’s a ghost. A Scary Boomer Ghost. Who won’t leave.“

For his part, Mr. Friedman was rather sanguine about these developments. “Bibi is playing Sheish Beish, but the protesters are watching Seinfeld. If King David learned to Code, then Arafat and Shimon Peres could have opened a Start-Up. If the Saudis run out of oil before Mark Zuckerberg fixes Facebook, then Elon Musk should have studied Farsi. To understand the Arab Street, you first must understand how The Smurfs changed Cairo in the 1980’s. Please, somebody stop me.”

As the story went to print, the Israeli public breathed a sigh of relief upon news that Friedman is currently busy writing a Think Piece about Bollywood, Al Gore, and Kabballah.

 

 

 

Binyamin Netanyahu, Protests 2023

Protesters! Wanna defeat Bibi? Follow our Secret Plan!

———–?
———————?
————————————?
———————————————————-?
—————————————————–———————?

1) Get more votes.

2) Win an Election.

The New York Times, Thomas Friedman

Downsized: New York Times replaces Thomas Friedman with Chatbot Cairo Taxi Driver

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/15/2023 at 11:45 PM

Manhattan: In a cost-cutting move described as Boomer Abuse Bold & Decisive, the New York Times decided today to replace longtime pundit Thomas Friedman’s weekly column with the transcripts of a Cairo Taxi Driver Chatbot. “This is really about eliminating the Middle Man.” explained editor Joseph Kahn. “For the last 40 years, Mr. Friedman has based 90% of his columns on the insights and wisdom of cabbies from Amman, Cairo, and Riyadh. Think of this as a more ‘farm to table’ approach to journalism.”

Ahmed is an affable, verbose, yet insightful cab driver who was created in a collaborative effort between Columbia University’s Middle East and Computer Science Departments. Ahmed still believes that he is speaking to his old friend “Mister Tow-Moss from America” who he first drove in 1983 on the way to a birthday party for King Hussein hosted by Hosni Mubarak. Ahmed the chatbot has a chatbot wife named Heba and four University-educated chatbot daughters, leading to many conversations on the Status of Women in the Middle East that somehow always align amazingly close to Mr. Friedman’s point of view.

“We created Ahmed with the ability to produce hours of folksy homespun non sequiturs mixed with raw insights that are suspiciously close to Mr. Friedman’s own political beliefs and theories.” explained Alyssa Stevens, the lead programmer on the project. “Ahmed has read ‘The World is Flat’. He found it ‘derivative’ but doesn’t have the heart to say this to his cherished friend.“

Wishing to get to the bottom of this travesty of justice, the Daily Freier sought out Ahmed the Chatbot for a…. chat. Ahmed took us on a virtual ride from Cairo International Airport to our virtual hotel near the Nile. “Helloooo Tow-moss my friend!” bellowed a noticeably happy and enthused Ahmed. “Habibi, we must move away from Fossil Fuels and build a new Digital Arab Superhighway! We can call it Silicon Suez! This is a very good name, don’t you think, Mister Tow-moss?”

As Ahmed eased his way through traffic, he smoked a computer-generated cigarette and expounded on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in terms that again hewed amazingly close to Inside the Beltway Center-Left Conventional Wisdom. “Tow-Moss my friend, Bibi and the Israelis do not want peace. Bibi should have listened more to Obama and Bill Clinton. I still love Bill Clinton, Mister Tow-Moss!” Ahmed somehow made “Israelis” into a 7 syllable word.

As we left the cab, Ahmed wished good health and happiness for our family before leaning in closer and lowering his voice to an urgent whisper. “Tow-Moss, we must stop Bibi from copying Trump’s playbook and instigating a January 6th-style response to the Protests against Judicial Overhaul in Israel!”

Sources close to Mr. Friedman remain convinced that he will quickly recover from this professional setback as the Chatbot lacks the required Gigabytes of memory to truly mimic Friedman’s name-dropping capabilities.

 

Binyamin Netanyahu

Israel’s Satirists & Comedians demand Yair Netanyahu return to Twitter

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/14/2023 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Israel’s humor community is in a funk today, thanks to the continued exile of their biggest meal ticket: Yair Netanyahu. According to The Jerusalem Post, the Prime Minister’s son has been banished to America and barred from social media by his family. That’s right, The Netanyahus have shipped their Prolific Tweeter/Shitposter to the USA. You see, Mr. Yair has proven to be a bit of a distraction to our Prime Minister, who has been busy himself keeping together a coalition/bad sitcom featuring such wacky character actors as Bezalel Smotrich and Itamar Ben Gvir. So for political expediency, Yair’s been temporarily banished. Naturally, this is causing a huge crisis among Israel’s humorists. The Daily Freier reached out to members of the Community as they struggled with this loss to their livelihoods.

“My recent article about Yair and Prince Harry is in serious jeopardy.” whined The Mystery Man Who Writes the “Pre-Occupied Territory” Blog. “Things can’t go on like this. Bibi, please think of the satirists. I have a mortgage.”

“We need him on Twitter.” admonished distraught local comedian Benji Lovitt.  “And not just because Israel doesn’t have Truth Social. If he stays in America, I’m filing for unemployment insurance.”

The Daily Freier then walked around our own office in Dizengoff Center and asked Tel Aviv Culture reporter Aaron Pomerantz about his thoughts. “This is worse than the Corona Lockdown when we were trapped indoors and forced to satirize ourselves.” complained Mr. Pomerantz as he drank his coffee hafuch. “Between this and Secret Tel Aviv being way less weird these days, I may have to get a real job. But I won’t.“

As the Daily Freier went to press, Israel’s satirists breathed a sigh of relief on news that Sara is yelling at The Help again.

 

 

Binyamin Netanyahu, Joe Biden

Crisis Averted after Bibi Lets Biden Sniff his Hair

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/31/2023 at 5:30 PM

Washington: Diplomatic sources in Jerusalem and Washington reacted with undisguised relief today after an Israeli-American diplomatic crisis was averted at the last minute. President Biden had taken an increasingly critical public stance to Prime Minister Netanyahu’s handling of Israel’s ongoing protests, culminating in this week’s statement by the President indicating that Netanyahu will not be welcomed to the White House in the near future.

Yet at the last minute, Prime Minister Netanyahu displayed his willingness to say or do anything to stay in power the diplomatic acumen that we have come to expect from this political veteran. Working through diplomatic backchannels that may or may not have included their sons Yair and Hunter unexpectedly meeting up at a Gentleman’s Club outside of Baltimore, the leaders’ respective staffs hammered out a compromise that Washington insiders are already describing as groundbreaking. Specifically, Bibi agreed to let Biden sniff his hair at their next meeting that will take place shortly after the Passover Holiday. The Chattering Class have already started singing the Deal’s praises.

“This is exciting stuff.” explained CNN’s Wolf Blitzer. “Now we need to come up with a clever name for this…. what about ‘The Scratch ‘n’ Sniff Summit‘? Does that sound catchy?“

“I actually heard about this from my cab driver last night when I flew into Dubai.” explained noted pundit Thomas Friedman. “Or was it my cab driver in Amman? Who the hell knows. I’ve been phoning it in for years.”

Yet not everyone in Israel is enthused about this development. The Daily Freier walked through the Shuk HaCarmel this afternoon and got decidedly mixed vibes about the Agreement. “Oh Great.” sighed Alert Local Ronit S. “Biden tried to sniff my hair once at the Paris Duty Free.” Ronit picked at her Shakshuka and continued. “I’m not really religious but the next time he visits I’m wearing a headscarf.“

As the story went to press, Bibi ran his hands through his distinguished salt and pepper hair and reminded reporters that Bennett could never pull this off.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you don’t think that the Daily Freier is going to call Trump Headquarters and convince them that this really happened, then you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.

 

Israeli Politics, Start Up Nation

Israel in Crisis: Protesters Destroy Knesset’s Fax Machines

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/27/2023 at 8:30 PM

Jerusalem: The nation plunged further into crisis today as the Knesset’s precious Fax Machine room was vandalized, forcing the seat of government to close until further notice. Thousands of Israelis gathered outside the Knesset to protest the ruling Coalition’s proposed changes to the Judicial system, and some breached police barricades. As Security Guards worked frantically to expel the intruders, several protesters entered the Fax Room and wreaked havoc on this vital communications hub for Startup Nation. You see, the Fax Machine remains a vital workhorse in Israel. The Daily Freier sent documents to the Tax Authority via Fax in 2019 because our accountant warned us that “They don’t actually read their emails.” So Yeah, this was a big deal. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to make sense of this Tragedy.

“We’ve lost everything.” lamented a Knesset Information Technician named Boaz. “We rely on these faxes for everything.” Boaz continued as he surveyed a room full of broken ink cartridges and spools of unfurled fax paper. “This is how Mr. Netanyahu finds out what kind of mood Sara is in before his Security Team escorts him home. This is how Mr. Deri’s Parole Officer would arrange their next appointment.  This is how Ms. Zandberg used to order her …uhhh…cookie ingredients.“

The Daily Freier asked Boaz if there was any workaround to prevent a paralysis of government at this crucial moment in Israeli history. Boaz leaned in closely and lowered his voice. “This hasn’t been released to the public.” Boaz intoned solemnly. “But right now we are sending out vital messages via Moshe Gafni’s Kosher phone, Noa Kirel’s Instagram, and Yair Netanyahu’s Twitter feed.“

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Boaz was desperately trying to hook up a computer to a monitor and stopped to ask us if we had a Boot Disc for Windows 95.

 

Binyamin Netanyahu, Israeli Politics

Daily Freier retracts Satire about Bibi using NASA Images to troll Lapid & Gantz after Bibi uses NASA Images to troll Lapid & Gantz

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/23/2022 at 09:30 PM

Tel Aviv: The world of Anglo-infused Israeli satire is in shambles today after Authorities ordered The Daily Freier to retract a recent story or face stiff financial penalties. Earlier this week the Daily Freier published a humorous story in which Abu Yair Former Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu trolled his political opponents by invoking photos of Outer Space taken by The USA’s National Aeronautics and Space Administration. It was a story in which Bibi compared Pluto’s planet/non-planet status to the Blue and White Party’s shaky power-sharing agreement between Benny Gantz and Yair Lapid. A simple, cute story with a funny punchline involving Naftali Bennet’s kippah.

Little did we know that Mr. Netanyahu would in fact temporarily become a “Twitter Reply Guy”, taking a seemingly innocent NASA tweet about Jupiter as an opportunity to mock Gantz and Lapid. With our satirical story no longer clearly satirical, officials from Israel’s Bureau of Journalistic Standards arrived this morning at the Daily Freier’s office in Dizengoff Center with a Court Order.

“This is a disaster.” lamented Daily Freier writer Aaron Pomerantz. “Something like this has never happened to us. I mean, not since 2016.“

Reactions to Netanyahu’s Tweet in the community were immediate. “This is unprecedented!” noted Tel Aviv web developer Doron R. “Bibi’s Trolling is such absolute Bullshit…it’s…. it’s Majestic!”

“This is next-level trolling.” remarked Ramat Gan pensioner Danny T. “Possibly better than Trump’s recent endorsement of AOC.”

In order to avoid this sort of thing happening in the future, the Daily Freier vowed to henceforth only write clearly fake news, such as stories about a German guy and his Israeli husband going on Secret Tel Aviv to get their prudish, legally blind, anti-social dog laid.

Binyamin Netanyahu, Election 2020

“I built a statue of Bernie Sanders!” Bibi reaches out to Democrats

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/8/2020 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: With the news that Joe Biden is on track to win the Presidency, things might get a bit rough for our Prime Minister, as The Bibi and The Donald had developed quite a rapport over the years. Plus, Biden served as President Obama’s VP and Netanyahu’s relationship with Obama were kinda hit or miss. So Prime Minister Netanyahu knew he had to act fast. This morning, Bibi sent a nice note to the Democratic National Committee outlining a new initiative.

“I just built a statue of Bernie Sanders on Tel Aviv Beach!” it announced. “I know how much you love that guy! Let’s open a new chapter of cooperation between our two great nations!“

The Prime Minister defended his actions at a hastily held Press Conference at the Knesset, taking questions from the assembled reporters. When the Daily Freier confronted him, noting that the statue in fact depicted famed Israeli Prime Minister David Ben Gurion, Bibi replied: “I said it was a statue of a cranky Ashkenazi Socialist born a long time ago. Tell me where I lied.”

Following the press conference, Yair Netanyahu announced that in the spirit of goodwill, he “would like to show Hunter Biden the town” when Mr. Biden’s son visits Tel Aviv.

Trump Yeshiva was unavailable for comment.

Real World Editor’s Note: Go ahead and say to yourself that Bibi is not shameless enough to try this.

Binyamin Netanyahu, Israeli Politics

Bibi calls on Minority Communities to march with him against Police bias

“I too am a victim of profiling.”

By Josh Warhit

Last Updated 11/26/2019 at 2:00 PM

Jerusalem: Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu spent the day reaching out to leaders in the Ethiopian and Bedouin Communities, urging them to join him in a demonstration against the Israeli Police.

When asked by community leaders why he chose now to reach out for a joint protest, Mr. Netanyahu discussed what he considers to be a natural and obvious connection between himself and Minority Communities. “For years, the establishment has been biased against me, determined to keep me down and oppressed. My advisors tell me that you and your children feel similarly, perhaps even as much as I do.”

This past summer, Israelis of Ethiopian descent protested against police brutality following the killing of 18-year-old Solomon Teka by an off-duty officer, an incident seen by many as emblematic of systemic racism.

“As you know, they’ve been out for me since the beginning. I’ve heard you feel the same way.” Israel’s leader told the group of head-shaking activists. “The system is biased against people like us. We need to stick together.”

Unsurprisingly, some thought the timing of this initiative was a bit…. convenient. Late last week, Prime Minister Netanyahu was formally indicted on charges of bribery, fraud, and breach of trust. In recent years, Bibi has been accused of requesting and receiving gifts in return for favors.

“This protest will be about standing up together in the face of discrimination.” the Prime Minister explained to media after the event. “Ethiopian Israelis should not fear drinking champagne or enjoying the occasional cigar, nor should I. Interrogate the interrogators.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister’s office said that Netanyahu’s outreach has actually been part of his Likud platform for quite some time. “Prime Minister Netanyahu has wanted to initiate this demonstration for years, but obstacles have presented themselves time and time again. The Attorney General’s current witch hunt against him simply demonstrates his foresight.”

Supporters of the Prime Minister’s Legal Defense Fund are urged to bring their Deposit Bottles to the nearest Likud Office.

The Jooz, The New York Times

Our response to that New York Times editorial cartoon

new NYT Trump BibiGotta tell ya, that cartoon was disgusting.
One of your worst.
For historical reference, it resembled something from Der Stürmer circa 1934.
Using the theme of a blind American President being led around by an Israeli Prime Minister?
Come on, really?
Knowing the historic context of this accusation?
You portrayed a Jewish leader as a dog.
On a leash, no less!
Under his collar was a Star of David.
Really? Was that really necessary?
Showing Jews as dogs is a step toward dehumanization.
Everyone knows that, right?
Lots of Editors had to be in on the approval process for this piece.
Very curious, is anyone losing their job over this cartoon?
Either that or nothing is actually going to happen to anyone who had a part of this, right?
So in conclusion, Apology Not Accepted.