Tel Aviv: Today the Daily Freier, in response to published reports, admitted that it invented Ariel Gold. The Code Pink activist best known for her anti-Zionism, junkets to Iran, and sliding into the DM’s of Hen Mazzig wacky protests, is in fact a fictional invention of the Daily Freier editorial staff created after a bizarre 2014 Negev retreat that featured mushrooms, hand puppets, a stack of old Lilith Magazine issues from the 1980’s, and a Belgian-Palestinian mime troupe. The Daily Freier attended a somber press conference convened by the Daily Freier.
“We made the whole thing up.” admitted Daily Freier editor Yuval Weiss. “The Angry Tweets about Israeli food and cultural appropriation? Fake. The time she got deported from Ben Gurion? We hired an actress who we met at Ulpan Gordon. The bad spelling and Yiddish phrases used out of context? We ran old tweets from Jewish Voice for Peace through Google Translate three times.”
What followed next was a cacophony of questions from reporters offended that they had been lied to for so long. Exactly why had the Daily Freier felt the need to deceive the public for so many years?
“Clicks. We did it all for clicks.” answered Yuval. “We tried to do journalism on the straight and narrow, but the cost of living in Tel Aviv is nuts and we were running out of ideas. Creating the character of Ariel Gold allowed us to buy drinks for our friends and pretend that we were getting rich. Also this isn’t the first time we were forced to retract a storyline. By the way, does anybody know who might have snitched on us?”
The gathered reporters continued to bombard Mr. Weiss with angry denunciations until he finally argued back. “OK people, give it a rest. It’s not like a couple of desperate Jews conjuring up a mythical creature ever had any unintended consequences.”
Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: Law enforcement moved swiftly in the early morning hours, safeguarding a local rabbit from credible threats. “Shani” is a white angora, and the pet of noted Israel Advocate/Indigenous Rights Activist/Shirtless Selfie afficionado Hen Mazzig. So when noted Code Pink Activist/BDS fan/that one really annoying girl in your NFTY Youth Group Ariel Gold escalated her one-way Twitter feud with Hen, police whisked Shani off to an undisclosed location. The Daily Freier spoke with a visibly frightened Hen at a local cafe.
“This all happened so quickly.” Hen said as he nervously picked at his shakshuka. “One moment Shani and I were just chilling on the balcony people-watching, and then all of a sudden the cops show up and say she has only 2 minutes to pack a bag…. she didn’t even have a chance to finish her carrots and celery smoothie.”
The Daily Freier asked Hen what specifically caused the latest crisis. “At first, it was all sort of innocent. You know, Ariel body-shaming me and teaching me important lessons about my Mizrahi heritage. Then shit just got weird. Stuff about my secret payments from the Israeli Government. Honestly, for a moment I thought I was reading the Forward.” Hen looked nervously around the cafe and continued. “Finally, she tweeted something at me about Ilhan Omar and AIPAC. I couldn’t really understand what she was saying, girlfriend could use a spellcheck once in a while…. but the bottom line is she is not going to be ignored.”
Finally, the Daily Freier was able to Skype with Shani from her undisclosed location. “Things are OK in the Safe House. Apparently I’m not the first animal that stayed here.” The Daily Freier asked Shani if she has any regrets. “The real tragedy is that I absolutely LOVE Glenn Close movies….. I hope this doesn’t ruin them for me.”
As the Daily Freier was about to end the interview, a visibly relieved Shani noted that Ariel had moved on to yelling back and forth with Morton Klein.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.