Tag: Dating and Relationships

I think the IDF Dolphin on my Taglit bus is hitting on me

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 1/14/2022 at 8:30 AM

Somewhere in the Arava– So this Taglit trip has been A-Ma-Zing! I can’t believe they let us into the country finally! We’ve seen EVERYTHING! And our bus is so fun!

Also, the IDF guys on our bus are so down to earth and chill!  This one guy Danny is something called a “Lone Soldier“? He’s pretty cool, but is it weird that he eats all the food off our plates when we’re full? Or when we get up to go to the bathroom? Is that like an Israeli custom? Anyways, they’re all great. This other guy named Itzhik was in the Navy, and get this: He’s a dolphin! Can I say that? Is that racist?

Anyway, Itzhik is so cool! He just got back from Gaza and I guess he did some crazy stuff there. So it gets even crazier!  Every time we get back on the bus, Itzhik brings me a small present!  Yesterday he brought me a piece of string. Today he brought me a small mackerel!  Is this like an Israeli thing that I don’t know about? Is he flirting with me?

So tonight we’re going to stay at a Guest House on the edge of this giant crater in the Negev!  How cool is that? And guess who wants to show me a special spot where you can see all the stars!  Itzhik!  Wait, is this moving too fast?

OK, this is bullshit. As we were getting ready to leave the Ecological Desert Kibbutz, I ran into Jessica from Boston and she was talking about how tonight Itzhik promised to show her “a special spot where you can see all the stars.

I hate Israeli dolphins.

Ariel Gold dumps Hen Mazzig for Pine Tree

“Seriously Pine?”

By Emily Goldstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/23/2021 at 5:00 PM

Ithaca: And that’s Hen’s heart that’s breaking down this long-distance line tonight, but he ain’t missing Ariel at all. Since she’s been gone away. He ain’t missing her. No matter what his friends say…. Wait, where were we? Oh yeah. Noted anti-Zionist Ariel Gold has ended her tumultuous relationship with Mossad-funded Hasbara Guy Hen Mazzig. That’s right, the BDS/Zionist Power Couple is no more, before we could even think of a cute name for them like “Bennifer“.

For the past couple of years, self-described Jew-indigenous-to-Spain Ariel Gold feuded with Hen on the Internets, leading to such gems as the time she criticized his shirtless selfie, an amazing online debate for which the Daily Freier created Bingo cards, and the time Ariel tried to kidnap Hen’s pet rabbit. Sure, they broke up from time to time while Ariel yelled at Morton Klein or Ben Shapiro, but they always managed to continue their tumultuous online relationship.

So it was with heavy heart that the Daily Freier discovered that Ariel had recently dumped Hen. For a pine tree. Last week noted British actor Eddie Marsan wrote a nice post on Twitter about a tree planted in his honor by the Jewish Community of the United Kingdom. It all went downhill from there, with Ms. Gold replying with accusations of stolen land, ethnic cleansing, and… (checks notes) ….promoting forest fires. That’s right, there is another target of Ariel’s Anti-Zionist Righteous Indignation, and it’s a Pine Tree named Ido currently growing in the Shfela Region just south of Tel Gezer. With Ido the Pine Tree suddenly the new target of Ariel’s online activism/diary entries, naturally Hen began feeling like the losing end of an Evergreen Love Triangle. The Daily Freier contacted Mr. Mazzig for his take on Ariel branching out leaving breaking up with him for a member of the Coniferous family.

I still haven’t processed this.” lamented Hen while staring at his coffee hafuch. “This is a complete shock. Just last week I was picking out a house for us in our indigenous land…. near Barcelona.”

The Daily Freier tried to cheer Hen up, noting that there were plenty of wacky and performative BDS activists from the Finger Lakes Region out there waiting to meet him, but he was inconsolable. “I’ve been dumped before for other men, for other women, once even for a cat. But what Ariel has done is the most humiliating thing I’ve ever experienced. I feel like I’ve been cuckolded by Etz HaHayim.

We had more questions for Mr. Mazzig but he cut the interview short “because it’s time for Mincha.” As we got up to leave, we could hear Hen praying “Shema Spain Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Ehad.

 


Editor’s Note: If you think this is the last you’re going to hear from Ido the Pine Tree, then you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.

 

Corona Mutations hold Speed Dating event at Bnei Brak funeral

(photo credit: Twitter)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 2/9/2021 at 3:30 PM

Bnei Brak: Despite the ongoing lockdowns, there are still some folks out there who refuse to stop living their best life. That’s right, all of the various and evolving Corona mutations just met up for an evening of speed-dating! You see, Rabbi Haim Meir Wosner, a senior ultra-Orthodox rabbi, died on Sunday at the age of 82 from COVID-19. Thousands of mourners attended his funeral in Bnei Brak, creating the perfect forum for our friends in the Corona Mutation Community to have a “meet & greet” and just maybe meet that “special someone“. The Daily Freier was live on the scene while maintaining appropriate social distance protocols.

I’m really looking for Mr. Right.” noted Sarah, an Olah Hadasha from South Africa. “I really want to meet a guy who has done a lot of traveling. Maybe a guy from Europe!” Sarah dropped her voice down to a conspiratorial whisper. “I don’t want to jinx myself, but I’m naming my first child “Avi Ben SARS-CoV-2 VOC 2021-2/08” if it’s a boy, and “Rachel Bat SARS-CoV-2 VOC 202012/01” if it’s a girl!

While we were speaking to Sarah, a number of Olah Hadashot Corona Mutations from the United States seemed to be creating quite a stir. “OMG OMG did you hear that British mutation’s accent?” asked Leah from Boston. “It is SO. HOT.

Wanting to learn more, the Daily Freier approached this very Eligible British Bachelor Corona Virus Mutation: Richard from Manchester. “I just love the atmosphere here. Even if I don’t get a date, it’s great to meet up with all my friends.” Richard scanned the room and continued. “All of the police barriers were getting in our way and preventing us from being ‘Single Ready to Mingle’, so I was really glad when the funeral guests removed them after 10,000 people showed up!” (Real World Non-Satire Alert: This Really Happened.)

Yet not everybody was so enthusiastic about the event.  The Daily Freier spoke with “Melissa from Florida” who was busy trying to stop her girlfriend Sarit from making “a huge mistake” with a Corona Strain from Italy “who really gets around”.

Uggh, there’s Yosi. Thanks but no thanks. I’m sorry, but that guy’s been with EVERY girl at my seminary. And now he just got back from doing who-knows-what in Dubai. Sarit needs to stay away from that guy.”

But he seems NICE!” argued Sarit. “I didn’t notice anything wrong with him. He even told me his Hebrew name: Yosef Lo-Symptomati!

As the party continued to fill up, we ran into Richard again and asked him if the police might break it all up. “Don’t worry.” he replied breezily. “Bibi said it was OK.


UPDATE: A prominent Israeli psychic predicts that someone on Secret Jerusalem will be really really offended by this.

Israeli Barbie: Meirav Covid Edition

By Roxy Cruz

Last Updated 5/12/2020 at 9:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Remember February? Those were innocent times, weren’t they? It was in February that Roxy first introduced us to her “Israeli Barbie” line of action figures, including the polyamorous Thrupple of European Spouse Barbie, Yuval Melech HaShuk, and Sigalit Barbie. Well, now that the Corona Virus has completely messed up our lives, it’s time to introduce the latest addition to our line of Israeli Barbies: Meirav Covid Edition!


Meirav: 48 years old, no children. Works as a healer, speaker, life coach, and activist. She makes a total of 850 shekels per month, so her 83 year old mother helps her with another 9K. Lives in Sheinkin alone and shares a dog with her ex, Dudi, a fun-oriented Eyal Golan look-alike who now lives with Alina, a 22 year old former model whom he met in Ukraine and who holds the record for longest legs in Europe. Alina calls Dudi “Poshcosko” in a baby voice, and Meirav refers to her as “that ugly shiksa“.

Meirav keeps calling the ex to organize weekends and talk about the dog like it’s a child they adopted together. She keeps finding psychological problems with the dog, when the truth is that the dog is only depressed about living with her owners and not having sex at the park on Fridays, and then put to sleep afterwards because her life is that miserable.

As a life coach who does not have her own act together, her hobby is spying on Dudi’s girlfriend and also making sure none of the neighbors are having any fun anywhere within a kilometer radius. This involves calling the police a lot. Has 2 friends and they both live in Haifa, and one of them is avoiding her phone calls because she only talks about Dudi and her friend thinks she should let it go after 6 years already.

Meirav was secretly happy about the lockdown because for the first time in a long while everybody has nowhere to go and no friends to talk to, and no dates.  She takes pictures of people that she saw outside and posts them online to bash them within her community of online fellow Meiravs. Now that the lockdown has been eased, she’s bored and has no place to go.

Hopes the “ugly shiksa” gets Corona.

Local Man discovers that Secret Tel Aviv is not just a Corona Dating Site

*Disclaimer: The man in this story is NOT the man in the photo! Please don’t get mad at him! (We sort of have a history of messing these things up.)

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/25/2020 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Today a Tel Aviv man discovered something amazing: that the popular Facebook page Secret Tel Aviv has purposes other than being an impromptu Corona Dating Site. You see, for the past month, people returning from abroad have gone on Secret Tel Aviv to, umm, “spice up” their Quarantine arrangements. Some dude even had a Lady Friend advertising him to potential partners, explaining that he was hot and there was “Yoga and Books” at his place. Then ANOTHER guy advertised his Corona Pad to potential candidates, with something about kombucha and naked sunbathing. So one could forgive Start-Up employee/surfer Danny S. for not knowing that Secret Tel Aviv actually does other things. Danny took time out of his busy schedule to explain his moment of clarity with the Daily Freier.

So I found a woman’s credit card, and I went on Secret Tel Aviv to meet her and return it. But, ehhm, I also mentioned that I wear a Size 44 Shoe.” Danny grinned mischieviously. “Get it? Get it?” (REAL LIFE ALERT: A dude just did this.)

The Daily Freier tried to focus Danny on just what he discovered on Secret Tel Aviv that was different from his perception. “Oh yeah!” Danny exclaimed. “So I was looking around the site and saw all this other stuff. I thought, ‘Hey, I can swap apartments, find a yoga class, and sell my stuff.’ I never knew! You can even ask for a home-pedicure during Lockdown!” (REAL LIFE ALERT: A woman just did this.)

The Daily Freier wanted to get more of “The Big Picture” so we asked one of our female readers just what the heck was going on, and she explained. “Corona 2020 is basically ‘guy who ghosted me in 2017′ suddenly coming out of the woodwork with new shitty invitations. Total sweetheart in my inbox just thinking about my health during this pandemic, offering to come straight to my bedroom for safety purposes. ‘No problem, in the Corona time we date in the car or house so your choice.’ ….Please kill me.”

This is even better than the time Secret Tel Aviv opened a Sperm Bank.

Dating tips with Roxy: Coronavirus Edition!

In 2016, the Daily Freier was contacted by a mystery woman named Roxy. She had great ideas for a dating/advice website. Alas, we lost touch with the Brazilian Carrie Bradshaw of Tel Aviv, until we actually met her at a bar in 2019. Yada Yada Yada, Roxy introduced us to a very…..Tel Avivian line of Barbie Dolls living in sin together somewhere in the Kerem. Now Roxy is back answering the question on everyone’s minds: How can I get my freak on during a Plague Outbreak? So without further ado, here’s her advice!

*Enjoy! This might be our final Season!

** NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!!


For the Boys: If there was a time in the history of humanity when being a toy boy or a fuck boy was useless, that time is now.  There was one reason why any woman tolerated your general bad personality: dick. So here is some general advice: pretend to be an okay human being during this difficult time for humanity and convince a female to carry your possible descendants when this crisis is over. The only chance you have to establish a connection and then have some possible future sexual opportunity with a consenting female is to talk to her, even if this is truly painful for you. So chat with the girls. Try to avoid questions like where is she now, cause…. duh. Also, avoid asking her for selfies cause, dude, we all look like fucking alpacas right now. We can’t go to the hairdresser, the nail salon, nothing. So just visit her Instagram and see pictures for your ummm, pleasure. If you FaceTime her, try to keep the camera away from your eyes so she won’t see your pupils opening wide and realize you’re a psychopath.

For the Girls: Until we find a way to detach our pussies and send them to the boys via ‘Wolt’, men feel under no obligation to chat with us, see us, or establish any sort of social dance we need to provide them with 3 sexual opportunities before they prefer the free-spirited, lice-infested teenager he met at the kombucha bar. So if there is a gentleman talking to you during this time, move him immediately to the top of your list and have this in mind if you both survive the current crisis: In case you FaceTime him, make sure you don’t mention your middle name is Ashley and none of the details on why your broke up with Satan, a.k.a. your ex, so he won’t know that you’re batshit craaaaazyyy.

Have y’all a great coronacation. Bless your lungs. Wash your hands.


Got dating questions for Roxy? Just “Ask Roxy” at daily.freier@gmail.com

 

The Daily Freier presents: Where are they now? Canine Edition.

Back in 2017, Sissi the Angry Rescue Dog taught us that using Secret Tel Aviv to get laid isn’t just for humans. Two years ago, a guy tried to find a “Missed Connection”. For his dog. Naturally we decided to troll him and yada yada yada, somehow ended up agreeing to help find Chaim, the Bashert of his beloved dog Sissi. Because Tikkun Olam.

Anyhoo, the Daily Freier wrote the most amazing story as we doggedly (Get it? Get it?) set out to help Sissi the anti-social Kalvah find Chaim the dog of her dreams.

Then the Magic of the Internets did its work. Chaim’s owner even chimed in and posted Chaim’s back-story.  On Secret Tel Aviv, naturally. Everything was moving toward a real Shidduch.

So… they had quite a few dates. All seemed well. Tail wagging, sniffing of the important parts… and then one day Sissi was over him. Not sure what happened… maybe the age difference was too much. He had a lot of energy and she just wanted a calm life.

Then Sissi’s dads moved a couple of blocks down the road, but she’s so lazy that she won’t walk all the way to their old meeting place anymore.

Your Daily Freier Guide to Eurovision 2019!

AGF-l7_nQRCupGIAw-SIJiQsHAg8Cta3uYl4XbFXJg=s900-mo-c-c0xffffffff-rj-k-no.jpgWelcome to Israel all you Eurovision Weirdos! You’re going to LOVE it here! Let’s get ready for a week of indecipherable songs by Icelandics paired with costumes that someone stole from a sex dungeon! Ha Ha! Just kidding! Not really! Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is here to help you enjoy Israel to the fullest! So without further ado, let’s get started!

Ben Gurion Airport: Hopefully you flew here on El Al, which is pretty good preparation for the tip-top customer service that you can expect here in Israel! That flight attendant who keeps responding to your requests like you’re a particularly slow 4 year old? Her name is Nava and she (probably) doesn’t actually dislike you. That’s just the Sabra charm! And if you had the good fortune to fly here with some Israelis, well things are getting even better!  You can spot them when they jump out of their seats to grab their bags out of the overhead compartments about the time you’re flying over Cyprus.

Taxis: Remember when you told your friends you hoped to “hook up” with a cute local? Well, congratulations because you’re about to get screwed! Seriously, take the train from the airport to Tel Aviv. As you leave Customs and enter the arrival hall, it’s to your left. There are kiosks where you can buy a ticket to any Tel Aviv station for about 3 Euros (Editor’s Note: We apologize for departing satire to provide actual good advice. We will try not to do it again.)

Israeli Men: Ladies, the men of Israel want you to know that despite any differences in religion or language or culture, they are still willing to have sex with you. Like right now. They got time, their Startup doesn’t open for another hour and their bike is still charging. Not to put too fine a point on it, but our city’s main park is shaped like a penis. A woman pointed this out to us, and they tend to notice details.

Israeli Women: OK, we’ve been here a while and we’re still trying to figure this one out. Native Israeli men seem equally bewildered. Please email us any clues.

LGBT Visitors: Tel Aviv is normally pretty gay.  But as of this morning, and thanks to a team of selfless volunteers, it is now officially Gay Enough for Eurovision!

Fun outside of Tel Aviv: Lies! If you travel East of Ayalon Highway, nothing but hellfire awaits you! Stay in Tel Av….. Sorry folks, that was Aaron Pomerantz our “City Beat” reporter and he’s not a fan of leaving this City to explore. But let’s look at some of the possibilities!

Haifa: Do you like factories? Do you like chemical plants? How about climbing up hundreds of steps to get to a hummus shop? If so, you’re in luck! Haifa’s got you covered!

Jerusalem: (Snore). Whoah, sorry, we fell asleep for a moment. But really, Jerusalem is an A-Ma-Zing city full of nightlife, and the absolute highlight is the chance to drink beer in a shuk at night. Really.


…… Well that’s all the advice we have for now. Tune in throughout the week as we share various pieces of fact-based news and advice!

 

 

Who says you need Hebrew to land a high-paying job?

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 2/27/2018 at 10:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: Finally, a job that understands me! “ Dovid C., a Ramat Beit Shemesh resident enthused about a cryptic job posting which appeared on Janglo, Secret Jerusalem and Keep Olim in Israel. The post, which received 20,000 hits in the first two minutes after it was posted, promised a high salary, short work hours and stipulated no other qualifications other than the ability to speak English. Curiously enough, applicants were also asked to send a current photo and a list of favorite restaurants.

I have a lot to offer employers, I mean, I speak English….. that’s worth a lot, I deserve to be paid at least as much as someone with a master’s degree… because I speak English!” said Dovid, who has extensive job experience as a dog walker, a waiter for his uncle’s catering company and as a Bar Mitzvah tutor. Also, as he reminded the Daily Freier, he speaks English. Therefore, Dovid, along with thousands of other hopefuls, confidently sent in his application.

The Daily Freier did some investigating (OK, we admit it… we sent in a resume too.) and discovered that the job posting was a ruse concocted by Rivky J., a shadchanit. “So, I have this really cute single cousin in Netanya. But she’s a little shy, so I thought this would be a great way to find some guys to introduce her to.” she explained. “By the way, that’s us in the picture above.

Well the people of Israel did not take this deception very well at all. In fact, the reaction was quite swift, starting with a leading high-tech staffing firm in the Mercaz, who offered Rivky a job as a recruiter, citing her keen abilities in make false promises and lead people on. “I don’t want to be a recruiter!” Rivky protested. “All the guys I interviewed kept talking about what they expected… gluten-free cappuccino and organic cotton office chairs. I’d rather stick to a field where people have realistic expectations… you know, like shidduchim.

“Is she Shomre Negiyah or does she just think you’re gross?” A guide for the perplexed

The Daily Freier explores Judaism(Photo Credit: The Cornelia Foundation)

By Chava Ewa and Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 12/21/2017 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv: It’s the question that so many men are asking today: Is she Shomer Negiya or does she just not want to touch me?” Avi G., an office worker from Givatayim is unwilling to admit that Roni, his new co-worker is simply ‘not into him’.  At all. “She must be some sort of religious fanatic who won’t touch men.” lamented Avi. “I mean, why else would she refuse to give me a hug?

The Daily Freier sat down with Roni at Cafe Aroma for a nice girl chat, and she admitted that although she isn’t actually religious, a bit of Yiddishkeit is actually a good reason to avoid awkward social interactions with creepy male co-workers. “Avi is loud and tells bad jokes and his cologne smells like the inside of Tel Aviv’s central bus station.” she said “He kept inviting me for coffee, but he stopped since I told him that all the coffee shops around here have a bad hecscher. He tries to hug me, so I told him that shomer negiyah is very important to me.” Roni, who now goes by her new Hebrew name “Neshama Emunah Temima“, admits that pretending to be religious has lots of other perks. “I told my boss that I needed the day off for the fast of Asara b’Teves and he agreed…. I don’t think he even knows what the fast of Asara b’Teves is, but you know, it sounds plausible and hey… it’s a day off!

In addition to the workplace, Roni’s status as a sort-ofbaalat teshuva has proven invaluable in other spheres of life as well. “My roommate just got back from India and thinks that she’s a curry expert now… So pretending to keep Kosher is the nicest way to avoid eating her garbage kitchen experiments.” she explained. 

Yet this new life did not come easy. “I took the bus to Jerusalem so I could to meet up with my frum American cousin Esty who is spending the year doing Sem. And I just followed her around for the day so I could copy what she wears and a few key phrases. Now I just pepper my conversation with phrases like Shidduchim, Refuah shelaima…. and a bunch of other things she showed me on A Sem Girl Says!

Epilogue: Roni‘s co-workers have been very supportive of her new religious identity, although Fabricio, a former model and recent Oleh from Spain “with the really cute accent” was disappointed. “She seemed like a fun girl and I wanted to ask her out to the new bracelet bar. But you know…. I think she’s too religious. So instead I went with Maygal the Frecha office temp from Ashdod.