(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 6/20/2016 at 4:40 PM
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: In a true win-win for everyone, Israel responded to a fake accusation of cutting off water to the West Bank during Ramadan by opening the fake dams that Hamas says Israel opens every Spring to flood the Gaza Strip.
The UK Independent wrote an article accusing Israel of cutting off water to Israel based on the testimony of an employee of the Palestinian Authority, who also have some novel concepts of what ingredients go into matzoh. A spokesperson for the Israeli government told The Independent there is “no truth” in the claims, and noted that the shortages were down to faulty water lines, with video provided.
On the other hand, this Spring Gaza’s Hamas rulers blamed floods on Israel opening dams that don’t actually, like, exist and stuff. Upon being corrected, some news outlets retracted the story, including the notorious Zionist outlet Al-Jazeera (Really! They did a good job too!), while others such as AFP were too busy catching up on Game of Thrones or something to fix the mistake.
So it was just amazing when these two make-believe ideas cancelled each other out. Moti C, a spokesperson for the Israeli Water Board, explained the move to the Daily Freier. “We figured we’ve been operating fake dams in Southern Israel for so long, we can afford to divert some fake water to fix a fake cutoff of water supplies. That’s why we’re calling this “Operation Costanza“.
Eddie the Israeli spy vulture could not be reached for comment.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 1/31/2016 at 10:30 AM
Golan, Gamla Nature Preserve: The accused “Mossad Spy Vulture” captured last week in Southern Lebanon has been returned to Israel with the assistance of the United Nations, but that is not the end of the story. The vulture, who goes by “Eddie”, has decided to join the controversial IDF veterans group “Breaking the Silence”, known for their whistleblowing activities and testimony against Israel.
Not surprisingly, this move has led to quite a bit of animosity with some of his former comrades from the Animal Kingdom. In fact, Eddie and the famous Mossad Spy Dolphin have been busy trading insults on Social Media for much of the weekend. As the war of words escalated, the Daily Freier was able to speak with Eddie via Skype.
“The dolphin? What a showboat. It was always about him. Not only that, but he was also kind of a racist, always reminding me that as a mammal he was more evolutionarily advanced than I was. What a jerk.” Eddie continued to vent about his former comrades. “Oh and by the way….. All the goofy stories about Israel’s spying animals? 100% True. The kestrel that the Turks put through an X-Ray machine looking for spy equipment? Well they should have looked harder. The hummingbird that was interrogated by a Turkish counter-terrorism team? That was us. The sharks that stalked the beaches off of Sinai? Us again. The wild pigs that ravage the West Bank? We release them every night…… But don’t take my word for it……Just Ask President Abbas!!!!!!! The vulture captured by the Saudis in 2011? He’s my cousin by marriage….but we no longer speak. They’re all feasting on a sheep carcass right now near the Kinneret. But do I get an invite? No. Not that I’m bitter. Being a truth-teller is not an easy path.”
In an effort to move on, Eddie plans to tour University campuses along the East Coast as part of an “Interfaith Dialogue and Reconciliation” tour with the Hamas Bumblebee later this Spring