Camden, London: Today a very irate Labour Activist is demanding to know why she wasn’t invited to join Jeremy Corbyn’s secret Anti-Semitic Facebook Group “Palestine Live”. An investigation by David Collier uncovered that the Secret Facebook Group “trafficked in anti-Semitic conspiracy theories, posted articles by Neo-Nazis, denied Israel’s right to exist, and called pro-Israel Jews “Zio-Nazis.” The group included Holocaust Denier Paul Eisen, as well as “the Jew who was too Anti-Semitic for the BDS Movement” Gilad Atzmon. And in a revelation that shocked people who still believe in the Tooth Fairy, the head of Breaking the Silence was also a member of the group…..Well rest assured, Labour Member of Parliament Danielle Lynne-Stephens is quite upset and wants to know why she never received an invite. The Daily Freier stopped by Momentum Headquarters in London to meet up with MP Lynne-Stephens and have a little chat.
Danielle went on to explain just how unfair her exclusion from the group was. “How many times do I need to talk about the Rothschilds before I get an invite? And the sad part is, I could have really helped them with the quality of their memes……Like, they passed around pictures of hook-nosed Jews with demonic eyes? Big Deal. For a month my profile picture was a giant octopus with a big nose and a Star of David!”“I’m sorry, but my obsessive hatred of Israel takes a back seat to nobody in that group. Posting articles by David Duke? Hellooooo? David Duke once posted an article written by me!….Saying that 9/11 was an Israeli False-Flag operation? Please. I’ve been saying it since the days of dial-up Internet.”
“It just isn’t fair.” Danielle continued. “How many times do I have to use the word “Zio” before I start getting the respect I deserve? And don’t tell me Corbyn didn’t know I wasn’t in the group. He commented and ‘Liked’ posts all the time! I’m tempted to take a walk over to Jeremy’s gardening allotment and give him a piece of my mind.”
For his part, Mr. Corbyn says he denounces anti-Semitism in all its forms and has launched a committee to look into any wrong-doing by Labour MP’s. The Committee will be led by Ken Livingstone, Jackie Walker, and George Galloway.
Tel Aviv: For those of you who don’t know the word on the street, there is a hip source of news for those times when Haaretz is acting just a bit too (!!Trigger Warning!!) Likud/Neocon/Naftali. And that news source has a name: +972. The Daily Freier checked out the scene by peeking into some select coffee shops along Sheinkin and Florentin to find out just what the hoopla is all about!
Golan, Gamla Nature Preserve: The accused “Mossad Spy Vulture” captured last week in Southern Lebanon has been returned to Israel with the assistance of the United Nations, but that is not the end of the story. The vulture, who goes by “Eddie”, has decided to join the controversial IDF veterans group “Breaking the Silence”, known for their whistleblowing activities and testimony against Israel.
Not surprisingly, this move has led to quite a bit of animosity with some of his former comrades from the Animal Kingdom. In fact, Eddie and the famous Mossad Spy Dolphin have been busy trading insults on Social Media for much of the weekend. As the war of words escalated, the Daily Freier was able to speak with Eddie via Skype.
Nueva York: En un enérgico comunicado, la organización no gubernamental progresista (la macro Ong de la izquierda judía israelí y americana) “New Israel Fund” (NIF) exigió la renuncia inmediata de los votantes israelíes por lo que describió como “sus continuos ataques contra la democracia“, ampliamente demostrables por sus actuales patrones de votación que han descrito como “aterradores y desconcertantes“. La portavoz del NIF, Naomi Paiss, amplió esta declaración en una conferencia de prensa en su sede de Nueva York a la que asistió ayer el Daily Freier.
“Tal vez las cosas son más evidentes desde Nueva York, Washington o Estocolmo, pero es que parece como si el público israelí fuera totalmente ignorante de su propio interés“. La Sra. Paiss declaró. “Quiero decir, ¿quién demonios son esos llamados “votantes” de todos maneras“, se preguntó la Sra Paiss. “Es casi como si no quisieran leer el Haaretz“. La Sra. Paiss continuó sobre las posibles repercusiones de ese comportamiento continuado de la opinión pública israelí. “Lo siento, pero tengo que romper mi silencio sobre este tema. Si esto sigue así, es posible que se tenga que sustituir a la opinión pública israelí“.
Al término de la conferencia de prensa, la Sra Paiss llevó a cabo una sesión de preguntas y respuestas con los medios de comunicación allí reunidos. Cuando Daily Freier le pidió a la Sra Paiss si por su definición de “valores contrarios a una democracia” quería decir “unos votos de esas personas que no les gustan“, hizo una pausa, nos miró como si hubiéramos dicho una obviedad, y respondió “¿Pero hay otra definición?“. Cuando el Daily Freier desafió la conclusión de la Sra Paiss, ella replicó, “Oh, no me mires así. Estás actuando como si indirectamente apoyáramos el linchamiento de árabes para la venta de sus tierras a judíos o algo así”.
New York: In a strongly worded statement, the Progressive NGO “New Israel Fund” (NIF) demanded the immediate resignation of the Israeli Voting Public for what it described as “continued attacks on Democracy” for exhibiting voting patterns described as “frightening and disconcerting”. NIF Spokesperson Naomi Paiss expanded on this statement at a Press Conference at their New York Headquarters attended by the Daily Freier earlier today.
At the conclusion of the Press Conference, Ms. Paiss conducted a question and answer session with the assembled media. When The Daily Freier asked Ms. Paiss if by her definition of “values contrary to a Democracy” she meant “voting for people or stuff that I don’t like“, she paused, looked at us like we just said that we really like Nickelback and replied “And there’s ANOTHER Definition????” When the Daily Freier challenged Ms. Paiss on this conclusion, she retorted, “Oh don’t look at me like that. You’re acting like we indirectly supported the lynching of Arabs for selling land to Jews or something.”
Tel Aviv, Shapira: The Break Room in Haaretz’s South Tel Aviv Headquarters has become a microcosm for the Arab-Israeli Conflict, with its Day Shift and Night Shifts unable to come to a peaceful solution about who is allowed to Occupy utlilize their refrigerator. Things recently got so bad that a “Two Refrigerators for Two Shifts” policy was enacted by John, an outside mediator from Massachusetts brought in by the Editorial Board. The Daily Freier spoke to traumatized Haaretz intern Zoe D. about the ongoing tragedy.
THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:
Mitzpe Ramon, The Negev: IDF soldier Yair G. is currently not feeling completely Okay about all the attention he is receiving from the women on the Birthright Israel trip that he is escorting. “I’m just not really feeling like I’m in a safe space.” noted a visibly distraught Yair. “I feel like they aren’t interested in me as a living breathing person with real hopes and fears, but rather with an artificial avatar of myself based on my current mode of existence as a young adult fulfilling his mandated national conscription duty.”
Yair went on to explain that he has resorted to lying about his service in an effort to make it seem less glamorous. “I mean, I serve in Golani, but I told ‘Alyssa from Miami’ that I was assigned to the personnel office making copies. Still didn’t change anything.” As another tour group attendee, known only as “Jess from L.A.” approached Yair, he quickly broke away, saying only “That’s it, I’m telling “Breaking the Silence”.
As the article went to print, approximately 47 members of Yair’s battalion volunteered to take his place, with 10 of them volunteering to extend their military commitment if necessary.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.