Tag: The Mossad Dolphin

Mystical protective Cloud on the Golan already planning his post-IDF trip to India

(Photo Credit: Youtube)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/10/2016 at 1:30 PM

Golan Heights, Israel (Sorry Bashar): The mysterious dark pillar of clouds that stood between an IDF patrol and ISIS on the Golan Heights last week already has big plans for what’s he’s going to do after the army. The vertical cumulus cloud, named ‘Boaz’, said he is ‘counting down the days‘ until the end of his enlistment, at which point he and some of his army buddies plan to go on a 3 month trip to India and Nepal that he says “is going to be sick“, “really crazy” and “just out of control“. Boaz, who comes from a family of storm clouds from outside of Israel and therefore qualifies as a Chayal Boded or “Lone soldier”, finishes his enlistment next May. The Daily Freier Caught up with Boaz on Thursday night at a bar on Dizengoff street as he enjoyed a weekend pass with a few of the guys from his unit.

Boaz told us that they chose this particular bar on Dizengoff “because one of the guys in my squad said he had a bit of luck here“. When we arrived, Boaz and his buddies spotted several women from a “MASA” exchange program sitting by themselves and they quickly introduced themselves and sat down at their table. Soon, Boaz stretched out, exhaled, leaned back in his chair and nonchalantly wrapped his cloud arms behind the back of two young women as he told them stories about his Army duty and how just this week he “like saved my entire platoon from ISIS“.

Later, Boaz admitted that while he is getting a lot of credit for last week’s encounter, he has also gotten in some trouble during his enlistment. Last year, he received non-judicial punishment from his company commander after a prank he played against the Mossad Spy Vulture went horribly wrong. “That bird is just an idiot. So I created an updraft of hot air while he was flying. Unfortunately, that accidentally forced him into Lebanese air space where he was captured. Last I checked he was home free and had joined ‘Breaking the Silence‘ or something. And I got 30 days confined to base.”

While Boaz can’t get out of the army fast enough, he also mentioned that after India he may want to go back to school, get a meteorology degree, and come back as a weather officer. “I don’t think they can say no. I mean I don’t just know about weather. I AM weather.

But for now, Boaz just wants to dream about what his trip will be like. “Just hang out on the beach in Goa and maybe smoke a bit. Rent a moped. Go to an ashram and just chill. Maybe go backpacking. I actually have some cousins over there who are cirrus clouds, so it will be nice to see them again.” Boaz also explained that on this trip being a cloud would have its advantages. “Sometimes hostels won’t rent to Israeli backpackers because…..well I guess that’s because they once rented to Israeli backpackers…… But I can just show them my second passport from Cloud and everything will be chill.

Boaz’s friends who will accompany him to India include such other mythical enlistees as “The Israel Spy Dolphin“, a talking dog from the K-9 unit, the wild boars that Mahmoud Abbas says Israel releases on the West Bank every night to ruin crops, the Zionist sharks in the Sinai, and the soldier on your Birthright trip who honestly really really isn’t trying to bang you.

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Israel Spy Vulture Released by Lebanon, Joins “Breaking the Silence”

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(PHOTO CREDIT: EPA/MOTI DOLEV/ISRAEL NATURE AND PARKS AUTHORITY)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 1/31/2016 at 10:30 AM

Golan, Gamla Nature Preserve: The accused “Mossad Spy Vulture” captured last week in Southern Lebanon has been returned to Israel with the assistance of the United Nations, but that is not the end of the story.  The vulture, who goes by “Eddie”, has decided to join the controversial IDF veterans group “Breaking the Silence”, known for their whistleblowing activities and testimony against Israel.

Not surprisingly, this move has led to quite a bit of animosity with some of his former comrades from the Animal Kingdom. In fact,  Eddie and the famous Mossad Spy Dolphin have been busy trading insults on Social Media for much of the weekend.  As the war of words escalated, the Daily Freier was able to speak with Eddie via Skype.

The dolphin? What a showboat. It was always about him. Not only that, but he was also kind of a racist, always reminding me that as a mammal he was more evolutionarily advanced than I was. What a jerk.”  Eddie continued to vent about his former comrades. “Oh and by the way….. All the goofy stories about Israel’s spying animals? 100% True. The kestrel that the Turks put through an X-Ray machine looking for spy equipment? Well they should have looked harder. The hummingbird that was interrogated by a Turkish counter-terrorism team? That was us. The sharks that stalked the beaches off of Sinai? Us again. The wild pigs that ravage the West Bank? We release them every night…… But don’t take my word for it……Just Ask President Abbas!!!!!!! The vulture captured by the Saudis in 2011? He’s my cousin by marriage….but we no longer speak. They’re all feasting on a sheep carcass right now near the Kinneret.  But do I get an invite? No. Not that I’m bitter. Being a truth-teller is not an easy path.”

In an effort to move on, Eddie plans to tour University campuses along the East Coast as part of an “Interfaith Dialogue and Reconciliation” tour with the Hamas Bumblebee later this Spring

Tensions Flare in Gaza as Israel Responds to Capture of its Spy Dolphin by Kidnapping the Hamas Bumblebee

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(Photo Credit: MEMRI TV)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 8/19/2015 at 8:30 PM

Gaza City– The region is on edge as Israel retaliated for the capture of its spy dolphin off the Gaza coast by kidnapping Nachool the Hamas Bumblebee. Nachool, the host of a popular Gaza children’s show where he says some not-so-nice things about Jews, was snatched up late Wednesday evening and spirited away to an undisclosed location.  While to date there has been no official statement from the Israeli government, the Daily Freier spoke to a Shin Bet agent known only as “Motti” for the inside scoop.

“After Hamas captured our dolphin Shlomi, we knew we would need a bargaining chip to get him back.  So our sources in Gaza told us that Nachool spends Wednesday evenings at his mistress’s hive and is usually strung out on pollen.  When our team kicked in the door, he was so out of it that he didn’t even have a chance to sting us. We were out the door and in the van in 30 seconds.”

After the kidnapping, the streets of Gaza exploded in anger, as locals raged at perceived informants who betrayed their beloved Bumblebee.  Incidentally, Gaza police arrested local television personality Farfour the Mouse on suspicion that he had a role in his rival’s kidnapping.

International reaction to Israel’s action was swift, with Amnesty International, which described Nachool the Bumblebee as “a fruit merchant”, calling for a UN Security Council statement condemning Israel’s actions.  United States Secretary of State Kerry, who was in the region to host a matkot tournament, told the Daily Freier that he was for Israel’s actions before he was against them.