Tag: Welcome to Israel

Dizengoff Center

Missing Tourist Not Kidnapped, Just Lost Somewhere in Dizengoff Center Mall

Dizengoff Center(Photo Credit: Our friends at Dizengoff Center)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/25/2015 at 5:20 PM

Tel Aviv: A wave of relief passed over the city as Tel Aviv learned that a missing tourist, feared kidnapped, is simply somewhere on the third floor, east wing of Tel Aviv’s sprawling Dizengoff Center Mall.  American college senior Zachary F. was last seen walking into the mall from the King George Street entrance last Wednesday. When he failed to return to his hotel for two days, alert staff notified the authorities, who in turn reached out to his family in the United States. 

A reporter from the Daily Freier’s Crime and Justice section managed to locate Zachary near the candle shop that nobody ever goes into.  “I tried to contact my family, but the Wi-Fi here really sucks.  I finally managed to send an email to my dad, but he only checks it when he’s at work.  I even tried Facebooking my mom, but since I forgot that she only communicates IN ALL CAPS, BY WRITING ON MY FACEBOOK WALL, she never got the message.”

Despite the harsh environment, Zachary has shown remarkable resourcefulness and resilience. “I took two semesters of Russian, so me and the security guards have really hit it off well. One of them gives me half of his sandwich every morning.  But when I asked him for help getting out of here, he just kinda smiled, cackled, rubbed his hands together, and talked in riddles. Also, I think I might have a date with the girl from the coffee shop on the second floor, but where am I going to take her? That sketchy tattoo shop by the Dizengoff street pedestrian overpass??”

As the interview ended, Zachary asked the reporter if he could follow us out to the exit, but we’re really in kind of a hurry and just gotta go.  Good luck!

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Secret Tel Aviv

Secret Tel Aviv now self-aware, creates Absurd Posts & Responses without Human Input

 

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(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/19/2015 at 9:30 PM

Haifa: In the aftermath of last week’s cyber-attack, a team at Haifa’s prestigious Technion Institute have revealed today that the ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ Facebook Page is now a fully sentient and self-aware entity that is capable of generating its own absurd traffic, and then answering that traffic with even more ridiculous responses.  Doctoral candidates Gideon B. and Alex G. walked the Daily Freier through this chilling development.

“What we are facing is what is known as a Chutzpadik Black Hole” explained Gideon as we toured their state of the art simulation of the Secret Tel Aviv entity at the Technion.  “Basically, as the environment  of the website becomes more and more ridiculous, it actually slows down.  What I am saying is  that as the website approaches maximum absurdity, it actually seems more normal to those who interact with it.  It is in this environment, that it seems perfectly normal to ask strangers to help you with your bikini purchase when at least half of the site demographics consists of, you know, MEN FROM TEL AVIV.”

“Secret Tel Aviv is now fully capable of operating as a self-aware being on the  entire spectrum: crowd-sourced advice on difficult relationships, what to do with a tarantula that you found under your rug, semi-legal requests for advice on how to avoid Israeli customs fees, you name it.” stated Alex as we toured the room-sized simulation of Secret Tel Aviv.

The Israeli Government has expressed serious concern about this frightening turn of events, but Gideon urged caution. “I told the Shin Bet guys who stopped by today that you do NOT want to try to shut down the site against its will.“

When the Daily Freier asked Alex if there was one specific event that spurred Secret Tel Aviv to enter a higher plane of existence, Alex noted “I have to stress that we are still awaiting the results of peer review, but if I had to guess, I would venture that it was when the guy asked for help finding a rave dance party that offered babysitting.”

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Secret Tel Aviv

Anarchists hack into Secret Tel Aviv, post reasonable requests to exchange goods and services followed by helpful and informative feedback

Anarchists Hack into Secret Tel Aviv, Post Reasonable Requests to Exchange Goods and Services Followed by Helpful and Informative Feedback

(Photo Credit: Secret Tel Aviv)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/6/2015 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: A previously unknown anarchist collective has hacked into the popular ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ website, and inserted malicious posts that offer a reasonable exchange of good and services, as well as intelligently written requests for information.  These posts are then followed up by helpful and informative user feedback in which those who replied clearly read the original post, thought about their response, then wrote it in a way that adds some sort of value to the conversation.  Local residents vented their concerns about this disturbing situation to the Daily Freier:

“I saw a post asking for information on Holiday Bus Schedules, and something just didn’t feel right.” noted Jerry F. of Neve Tzedek. “The question was intelligent and well written.  But what really got me concerned were the responses.  The first post on the thread included an attachment to the Dan Bus Lines Website in English.  Then somebody else included helpful hints.  Not one person called him stupid, to look it up himself, or told him to go back to his country of origin.  After a while I was just, like, NOT. COOL.” 

Alert local Ronit S. had a similar scare that fortunately turned out to be a false alarm.  “I responded to an ad looking for models/actresses for an upcoming event.  At first I have to admit I was concerned.  I mean, the ad was written by someone with a grasp of basic business letter-writing. It also clearly stated the times, dates, and payment for work.  So I was definitely feeling weird about it.  But when the guy responded he said that he needed pictures of me in my underwear, and that his studio was behind the Central Bus Station.  So I was, like, Baruch. HaShem. Legitimate Secret Tel Aviv.”

However, according to a recent press release, Secret Tel Aviv is aware of the incursion and is taking concrete steps to fix the problem.  “We take this violation of our customers’ trust very seriously and our tech support team are working around the clock to fix this.” wrote the Secret Tel Aviv Webmaster.  “In the meantime, here are some quick tips for our readers to know that they are in fact looking at a legitimate Secret Tel Aviv post:”

1) Somebody wants you to carry something on an airplane for them

2) Somebody on the post calls you a racist

3) A thread devolves into sexual banter within 5 replies

4) A frustrated, confusing rant against Israeli men or women

5) The words “Forex” or “Binary”

6) A response to an unfortunate event that includes the phrase “Welcome to Israel”

7) Somebody is selling used cosmetics

8) A post that starts with “I know this might not belong here” followed by a post that definitely does not belong there

9) A request, with photo attached, to identify an insect found in somebody’s kitchen

10) Anything involving cats

Daily Freier Staff had to cut short their investigation so that they could check the ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ site because, hey, we still love it.

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Tel Aviv Living

Tel Aviv launches annual “Park Like a Total Dick” Competition for 2015

img_1166By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/30/2015 at 11:30 AM

North Tel Aviv: The Tel Aviv Municipality kicks off its annual “Park Like a Total Dick” championship, challenging its residents to compete to find out who can annoy, inconvenience, and endanger their fellow citizens with the most flair, panache, and originality. Representatives from the City’s Department of Cultural Affairs will be touring the city this week on the look-out for those among us who go the extra mile in turning their problem into our problem.

Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. explained, “We will be judging based on the criteria of ‘Inconvenience to the Public’, ‘Lack of Empathy for Others’, ‘Chutzpah’, ‘Creates a Public Hazard’, and ‘ Lack of Awareness that What They’re Doing is Actually Wrong’.” Ms. Safir explained the final criteria: “What we’re really looking for is somebody who thinks that what they’re doing is perfectly OK, and that YOU’RE the idiot for questioning them.  I don’t think it’s possible to win this spirited contest if you actually have any self-awareness.”.  Last year’s winner, Moti C, won a parking pass good for the entire year of his crown and allowing him to park anywhere he wanted in Tel Aviv………as opposed to the year before he won the competition, when he……..parked anywhere he wanted in Tel Aviv.

Despite the competition’s name, Safir stressed that it is actually open to men and women.  Incidentally, as we spoke, Ms. Safir rushed over to notify a woman parking in the crosswalk on Ben Yehuda across from the SuperSol Market that she was in fact a finalist. At which point the finalist looked at us like we were from Mars, told us we were in her way, and brushed by us as she walked into that frozen yogurt place on the corner.

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