Tag: Welcome to Israel

Judaism, Secret Tel Aviv

Ancient clay tablet ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ uncovered during Light Rail excavation

Ancient Secret Tel Aviv the Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/14/2016 at 2:00 PM

Tel Aviv Haganah: Construction workers excavating Tel Aviv’s Light Rail Line made an amazing discovery yesterday: the earliest known recording of the Secret Tel Aviv website and Facebook page. “Secret Ur of the Chaldeans” which later morphed into “Secret Harran“, then “Secret Land of Canaan” and then “Secret Eretz Yisrael“, was a message board recorded in ancient Hebrew and later Aramaic on clay bricks in which the people of the day were able to ask perfect strangers how to solve their batshit crazy personal problems, how to evade Customs Fees when bringing items back from the Babylonian Exile, and how to identify an insect that they found in their granary. The Daily Freier went to the scene to smell the excitement.

Hebrew University Professor of Antiquities Nadav S.  explained the importance of the finding to the Daily Freier. “What this discovery shows is really a snapshot of life before the Common Era.”  Professor Nadav picked up a clay shard and began to read aloud.

“So if you’re like a King? And you see a really hot woman sunning herself on her roof, but she’s married? And her husband is an Achi but he’s not an ‘Achi Achi’. So you send her husband off to do Miluim, because hey, you’re the King, and he like dies? After that is it OK to hook up with her?…….Asking for a friend.”

Nadav continued. “What is fascinating is that the tablets show a continuous narrative of the self-absorbed going back over 3,000 years.” The Professor grabbed another shard at random and read it.

“Hi Secret Land of Canaan this is Sarah. I’m a new Olah. So my husband found this nice cave in Hebron, which is over the Green Line but whatever.  Anyway, the landlord seems like a psycho.  Let’s call him ‘Ephraim’. And I think he’s a Hittite. Can I say that? Is that racist? Anyway, he wants 12 post-dated checks plus someone from another tribe to co-sign for the cave. Is that normal?”

Nadav turned the shard over to reveal responses from passers-by. “What is fascinating is that random Israelites stopped what they were doing to provide advice to this woman seeking a cave. One person suggested that she go back to her original place of birth.  Another person said “Welcome to the Land of Canaan” which appears to be the earliest recorded use of sarcasm. And another guy appeared to have sent her a ‘Private Parchment Message“.

Professor Nadav stressed that the problems faced by our ancestors on “Secret Harran” are very similar to the problems people write about today on Secret Tel Aviv:

“So I really connected with this girl but she’s like Super Super Mizrahi. I mean I had to get her family’s permission to go on a date with her.  Anyway, when I went to the house to meet her Dad, somehow he tricked me into going into business with him. And then he fixes me up with his other daughter, but the thing is she….. has a really nice personality. So now the Dad says if I stay with his agricultural supply company for a couple more years then he will let me date the first daughter too. Anyway Secret Harran…… has anybody else been through this?  Is this nuts? Am I in too deep?”

As the Daily Freier ended the interview, construction workers uncovered the first recorded instance of somebody getting banned from “Secret Land of Canaan“.

 

 

 

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Dating and Relationships, Dogs

I hate Tel Aviv guys, but this one seems different.

i-hate-tel-aviv-guys-but-this-one-seems-different-daily-freier1Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this article.

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 5/1/2016 at 10:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda Street: It’s been a rough couple of months.  You met some real jerks here, like they just find you or something. You gave up on going out to bars, but it’s your friend Ari’s shift, and it’s always fun when she’s behind the bar.  And who is this who just sat down next to you?  Is he new here?  He seems so…. different. Not like the other guys.

So he says that he just came back from Thailand after he finished his Army service.  And he wasn’t a jobnik…. he was in a K-9 Unit in the Jordan Valley!  So in a few weeks he says he will have his surfing instructor license.  And he’s also working in a start-up! You asked him how old he is and he said “35 in dog years”. But that doesn’t even make any sense. And it’s a bit weird that he still lives at home at 35.  But whatever.

So now he says he wants to take you to Eilat next weekend. That’s a bit fast. But he’s Israeli.  And why does he keep referring to his ex as his “former bitch“.  That’s like really sexist.

Wait, Ari is getting you a chaser!  Yay! And she’s leaning in to whisper something.  “This guy’s a dog.”

“But he seems nice!”

“No. Listen to me. He is….a dog.”

“I think you’re just jealous.”

OK, so now your friend Aurelia is getting your attention.  Apparently, he brings a different girl here every night.  But just to be discreet, he sits in a different part of the bar.

Welcome to Israel.

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Secret Tel Aviv

Maccabi Health outsources Therapy & Counseling requests to Secret Tel Aviv

Maccabi Health

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/18/2016 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Basel: So you submitted a request to see a therapist last week online.  And now you’ve stopped by the Maccabi Office, taken a number, and walked down the stairs into their sketchy as hell waiting room.  You just need the Tofes 17 Form and then you can go see a therapist.  This is really important.  Being an Olah Hadashah is not easy.  And then there’s the school thing.  And your ex. And your mom.  And you made more per hour working for McDonalds 10 years ago than you make working for Nefesh now.

So anyway, all you  need is the approval form and you will be on your way!  But wait. The lady denied your claim.  Apparently Maccabi is cutting costs. She wants you to post your problems on Secret Tel Aviv “And they’ll take care of you”.

You: But that’s nuts!

Woman (Nava?): Welcome to Israel

You: But these are really personal problems!

Nava: Have you READ Secret Tel Aviv lately?

You: But they’re not professionals!

Nava: 90,000 people can’t be wrong.

You: But what if I have other questions?  Like what if I need to identify an insect I found in my kitchen?

Nava: They got you covered.

You: But what if I find a stranger’s underwear in my laundry?  Huh?

Nava: They got you covered.

You: But what if I need to find out what time the Shuk closes?

Nava: They got you covered.

You: This actually sounds pretty good. Thank you so much!

Nava: No problem.  Hey, do you have some place to go for Seder? We’re going to my Uncle’s house in Hadera.  You should come with us.

Secret Tel Aviv

Build Your Own Secret Tel Aviv Post!

Build your own Secret Tel Aviv post!** Updated January 18th 2016: Newer, Bigger, Weirder!

Greetings Tel Aviv! Ever wanted to write your own post for the site  Secret Tel Aviv but you’re afraid that your life is not bizarre enough to support the endeavor?  Well….problem solved!  Simply choose one item from from each of the menus below to create a custom Secret Tel Aviv post.

WARNING: While this attempts to create the feeling of a real Secret Tel Aviv post, nothing can compete with the real thing in terms of strange.

Hugs,

The Daily Freier

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Start Up Nation

The Clerks at Your Post Office Don’t Really Think You’ve Done Enough to Earn Your Package Yet

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(Photo Credit: Jerusalem Post)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 10/8/2015 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Basel: The workers at your neighborhood post office are pretty much on the same page in the belief that you haven’t done enough yet to earn the package of books, peanut butter, and Toms of Maine toothpaste that your mom sent you from America last month.  The saga started last week when you received a notice in your mailbox that a package was waiting for you at the post office.  When you went there to pick it up, things got interesting…

You (chipper and optimistic): Hi! I’m here to pick up a package waiting for me!

Employee (Motti?): What makes you think you have a package here?

You: (Holding up your notice with hope): Well I have this slip of paper, and I….

Motti: Oh, that could mean anything.

So Motti checked in the back and couldn’t find anything.  But he told you to send a fax to the customs office at the airport. “Wait“, you’re saying. “A FAX?  People still use faxes? Why? to send a message to 1992?”

Motti (deadpan): Welcome to Israel.

So you faxed the airport, and interestingly enough, got a fax back.  No package at the airport.  So you take your new fax back to the post office.  Motti looks at the fax.  Looks at you.  Looks back at the fax, then walks into the back room.  You’re not sure what he’s doing but he starts talking to the woman who usually works at the front counter.  Your Hebrew sucks, but you’re picking up parts of it. One thing you picked up: This is NOT your day. So now the lady from the front desk (Rivka?) comes to talk to you.

Rivka (suspicious): So you’re Sharon Levy?

You: Yes

Rivka: But they sent the package to Sharon Levy. She lives in Rishon LeTziyon.

So now there is a nice lady in Rishon LeTziyon making peanut butter sandwiches and brushing her teeth in an environmentally conscious way.

You: But it’s MY package!

Rivka You both have the same name.  You two should really work this out.

And you have to admit, she’s making some very good points.

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BDS, Tel Aviv University

Tel Aviv University Graduate Students Invoke “Right of Return” In Attempt To Get Back Into Local Bracelet Bar

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 9/6/2015 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Tel Aviv University graduate students Melissa P. and Kate D. have adopted “The Right of Return” in their ongoing dispute with a bracelet bar on Bograshov near Ben Yehuda.  The women’s ordeal began earlier this evening around 8:30 PM local time when they arrived at the establishment, purchasing the ’79 Shekel Red Bracelets’, allowing an unlimited amount of house wine, draft beer, and mixed drinks.  After spending several hours at the establishment getting, as one bystander noted, “hella wasted”, the ladies departed the bar.   It is at this point that the narratives of the protagonists in this ordeal diverge, with bar hostess Anat L. claiming that the ladies voluntarily left their seats and set out toward Dizengoff Street, while Melissa and Kate insisting that they were forcibly evicted from their land seats and cast out of the bar “for like no reason”. The Daily Freier spoke with Anat for her perspective on this ongoing tragedy.

“Those two were out of control, but I guess the manager likes them.  Anyway, I told them that after 10 PM there is a noise ordinance, and if they want to stay outside they need to keep it down.  Well that led to an eye roll or two.  I had to go back to talk with them two more times.  On the last trip over there, Kate just said “F– this, we’re out, and they stormed off….. Of course they came back like 30 minutes later because, and I quote, “the other place sucked”. But by that time newcomers had settled at their table.  And to just  let them back in would totally disrupt the current demographics of the bar……Welcome to Israel.”

The Daily Freier was also able to speak with Melissa and Kate for their side of the story. Melissa shared her perspective; “Whatever the hostess told you is total crap.  She hates us. She basically ran us off, and then turned around and said that we left on our own accord.  I mean yeah we left, but only because we knew that our friend Ran’s shift starts at 11 and that  if we came back he would take care of us at the bar.  But when we came back, our chairs were occupied.  The whole thing was a disaster……wait, I should know this…..how do you say ‘disaster’ in Arabic???” 

Kate was equally adamant that an injustice had occurred; “We bought these bracelets, and they’re good all night.  Our right of return is inalienable and cannot simply be negotiated away.”  When the Daily Freier asked Kate what kind of repercussions might occur if their wishes were not respected, she noted “If they think they can just get away with this shit, I will boycott them forever……or at least until next Wednesday.  That’s old school hip-hop night.”

Tel Aviv Living

Tel Aviv Woman Suffers Panic Attack After Accidentally Wandering Into Ramat Gan

 

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By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/28/2015 at 11:00 AM

Ramat Gan: A Tel Aviv woman was involved in a serious incident today, which could have ended tragically if not for the quick thinking of alert bystanders.  Local realtor Sarit F. suffered a crippling panic attack after accidentally wandering out of Tel Aviv city limits and into Ramat Gan. The Daily Freier talked to Sarit as she convalesced at Ichalov Hospital.

“I had just left Savidor Train Station and was crossing the street.  I must have gotten disoriented by all the construction.  Anyway, I  walked for about ten minutes.  The further I walked, the more confused and scared I got. I mean, the streets became quiet and tree-lined.  The houses looked like they had been built at some point in my lifetime.  At no point was I almost hit by somebody on an electric bicycle.  And there were no signs that a dog had recently relieved itself on the street.  It was horrible. I started to just lose it.  The next thing I know, paramedics were helping me into the ambulance.”

The first-responders credited the quick thinking of passersby for ensuring a happy outcome to this story.  The Daily Freier spoke to some of these Good Samaritans at the scene. “I saw this woman just freaking out in the middle of the street” noted alert local Ronit S. “I used to live in Tel Aviv, so I know the symptoms of ‘Bubble Withdrawal’.  I ran over and gave her some Cofix coffee and then called out for others to help.  So a bunch of people ran over and started to walk five-abreast and speaking French while they almost knocked her down.  Another woman passing by got her cell phone number and code-called her with an opportunity to invest in FOREX……..Then another guy went and peed on the sidewalk.”

In response to this near tragedy, the Tel Aviv Department of Public Safety issued a bulletin to residents listing warning signs that they may be leaving the city and to turn back immediately:

  1. You see a grocery store that offers a wide variety of foods at reasonable prices
  2. You stop at a coffee shop where the waitstaff view themselves as waitstaff and not as actresses, writers, or “about to launch a start-up”
  3. Somebody is wearing a yarmulke
  4. During work hours people are going to or from work or appear in some other way to be gainfully employed
  5. You don’t see any tiny cards on the ground advertising the sex industry
  6. You meet somebody who voted for Netanyahu
  7. There are people on the street who are not walking dogs
  8. You cannot immediately find a yoga studio
  9. You see a man in his 20’s or 30’s who is clean-shaven
  10. Nobody tries to steal your bike
  11. You can’t find Haaretz anywhere

The Daily Freier wanted to stay at the scene longer and conduct more interviews, but being so far from Allenby Street was making us feel kinda not cool and we had to just leave.

Dating and Relationships

Taking a Stand Against Racism, Tel Aviv Man Vows To Also Hit On Foreign Women

Taking a Stand Against Racism, Tel Aviv Man Vows To Also Hit On Foreign Women Daily Freier[Editors Note: When the real-life individual who was the inspiration for this story learned that we wrote this article, he was upset…….that we DIDN’T use his real name!  So here it is again, with his real first name! #becauseisrael]

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/6/2015 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Shuk HaCarmel:  Local guy “Tzion” is taking a stand. Taking a stand against racism, xenophobia, and discrimination…..by vowing to hit on women he meets in Tel Aviv regardless of race or background or national origin or even whether or not they seem interested at first. “What can I say?”, noted a shy and modest Tzion as he sized up a group of what appeared to be attractive Italian backpackers.  “For me to limit my attention to just one group of women just seems…..bigoted and exclusionary.”

Tzion’s one-man ambassadorship of goodwill has not gone unnoticed. Mexican tourist Yanet V. talked to the daily Freier about her recent encounter with Tzion. “Me and my girlfriends were sitting in this amazing bar off of Allenby which was playing the best music: Johnny Cash, Dionne Warwick, even old Springsteen. So Tzion came over and took the time to patiently explain the meaning of the songs to me. He said that “Ring of Fire” was really actually about sex……Come to think of it, he said that all of the songs were about sex.”

Scandinavian graduate student Caty V. also discussed Tzion’s selflessness. “When I told him I wanted to try scuba diving, it was amazing that he was willing to tell me he had his instructor’s license and that we should go to Eilat for the weekend and do some dives. And also that his cousin was out of the country and we could stay at his place. I mean, I’m not Israeli and he doesn’t even know me that well so for him to volunteer his time like this was just incredible. Plus, Tzion seems kinda religious so I know the fact that his cousin’s studio only has a fold-out futon must make him a bit uncomfortable.”

When the daily Frier called Tzion a mensch and a tzadik, he again turned shy and reserved. “I’m doing my best, but I’m just one man. We can make this world a better place. I mean, imagine if more men in Tel Aviv shared my outlook.”

 

Birthright, The IDF

Soldier assigned to Birthright Tour kinda uncomfortable with all the American Girls flirting with Him

 

soldier-assigned-to-birthright-tour-feeling-kinda-uncomfortable-with-all-the-american-girls-flirting-with-him-daily-freier

By Yuval Weiss 

Last Updated 8/10/2015 at 11:40 AM

Mitzpe Ramon, The Negev: IDF soldier Yair G. is currently not feeling completely Okay about all the attention he is receiving from the women on the Birthright Israel trip that he is escorting.  “I’m just not really feeling like I’m in a safe space.” noted a visibly distraught Yair. “I feel like they aren’t interested in me as a living breathing person with real hopes and fears, but rather with an artificial avatar of myself based on my current mode of existence as a young adult fulfilling his mandated national conscription duty.”

Yair went on to explain that he has resorted to lying about his service in an effort to make it seem less glamorous. “I mean, I serve in Golani, but I told ‘Alyssa from Miami’ that I was assigned to the personnel office making copies. Still didn’t change anything.”  As another tour group attendee, known only as “Jess from L.A.” approached Yair, he quickly broke away, saying only “That’s it, I’m telling “Breaking the Silence”.

As the article went to print, approximately 47 members of Yair’s battalion volunteered to take his place, with 10 of them volunteering to extend their military commitment if necessary.

Aliyah, Tel Aviv Living

The Mold in Your Apartment on Bograshov is now eligible for Aliyah Benefits, Absorption Package

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By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/8/2015 at 9:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov Street: After almost a year of struggles and setbacks, the mold in your apartment has secured Aliyah benefits to include the right to reduced rent, five months free Ulpan, and valuable tax breaks.  The Daily Freier  caught up with the largest patch of mold in your place, named “Yossi“, and asked him a few questions.

Yossi, who currently has expanded to a 3 meter square area located between your bathroom and laundry room, talked about his experience so far.  “It hasn’t been easy, let me tell you“, noted Yossi, as he released spores into the air that are currently making your eyes water and your nose run.  “I started out last year around Rosh Hashanah here and it was a real struggle.  But through persistence and a bit of luck, I am starting to really succeed, Baruch HaShem.”  When the Daily Freier complimented Yossi on his ability to thrive here, he was quick to point out those who have helped him. “Everyone always complains about people not helping them here.  But believe me, I did not make it on my own.  First, I want to thank your idiot roommate who seems unable to take a shower without pouring a gallon of water on the floor.  Oh and your other roommate who thought it was a good idea to dry his clothes inside all winter.  Of course your landlord who refused to have me eradicated because ‘he couldn’t see me’……major props.  Oh and whatever genius who built this apartment and filled the space between walls with soil……much love.”

Daily Freier asked Yossi about his hopes and dreams as well.  “I would love to do a bit of Ulpan, because even though I grew up speaking mold, my spores speak perfect Hebrew.  Plus I would love to expand into the living room, maybe travel through the walls to the downstairs neighbor.  I just really feel that anything is possible here.”

When asked about Yossi, the Aliyah organization Nefesh B’ Nefesh denied any responsibility.  But their spokesman Danny J. did speak on the record with us. “Eleven months and he’s still here?  That’s better than most of the Americans we brought.”

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