Tag: Bikes

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living

Old School: Tel Aviv man doesn’t need Wolt job to be a Total Dick

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/22/2021 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Ibn Gavriol: Tel Aviv: Tel Aviv residents “in the know” are facing a dramatic new reality: You don’t need to work for Wolt to be a total dick.* The city has re-discovered a Tel Aviv icon named Dan who is proving once again that being a total dick is a state of mind that should not depend on working for a company where the drivers appear to be encouraged to run over pedestrians on the sidewalk, block bike lanes, and ignore crosswalks.

You see, the Daily Freier first met Dan G. in 2015 when he refused to give in to the Knife Intifada and instead kept going about his business of being a jerk. Next, we caught up with Dan in 2019 when he proved that with an e-scooter, one did not actually need a car to park like a dick. But now Dan is taking a stand once again, insisting that he does not need to work for Wolt to maintain his credential as a total zayin. The Daily Freier caught up with Dan to hear his side of the story.

“You see that?” Dan asked, motioning to a Wolt driver jumping a curb and almost hitting a woman before blocking the sidewalk with his bike and walking into a restaurant to grab an order. “That’s amateur hour. Call me when you double park your car, walk into a supermarket, then cut the line claiming you were there before and just left for a moment.”

The Daily Freier asked Dan if he felt that the proliferation of Wolt drivers doing mildly sociopathic things was diluting his own personal brand of being a dick. “That’s a good question.” Dan mused as he stood in the bike lane forcing cyclists onto the sidewalk. “The Covid epidemic and the rise of takeout food allowed a lot of these guys the opportunity to get paid while making life difficult for others. But what’s going to happen after Corona?” Dan thought for a moment as his unleashed dog chased another dog. “They’re going to learn that their blue insulated delivery bag was just a crutch.”

As the Daily Freier ended the interview, a Wolt deliveryman asked us to step off of the narrow sidewalk into the street so he could pass more easily. Dan stared at him for a moment in silent awe.

“OK, now I’m impressed.“

*But it helps.

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living

“Now we can park like sociopaths without a car!” Tel Aviv celebrates the e-scooter & mobike

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/13/2019 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: The city of Tel Aviv has a little more equality these days, and people are excited. You see, it used to be that in order to park like a total dick, you needed to be able to afford a car. No Longer! Today with the huge success of rental companies like Mobike, Bird, and Lime, parking like a sociopath is within everyone’s reach. The Daily Freier walked the streets of Tel Aviv to find out just how big a deal this is.

“I love the freedom that this gives me.” explained local dick Dan G. as he dropped his Lime on the sidewalk in front of a cafe. “I always thought making other people’s’ lives difficult with bad parking was just for the rich guys who could afford a car and a permit. But now, I can really make my mark on the city!”

“Not caring about how my actions affected other people used to be so difficult without a car.” noted Ron C. “But with my Bird, it’s so easy making life inconvenient for my fellow Tel Avivians. This is even better than matkot!”

“Annoying my neighbors used to be so hard.” reminisced North Tel Aviv resident Guy S. “But now, with my Bird, I can block paths to schools and create a public hazard on a budget! Only in Israel!”

Tune in next week when the Daily Freier visits the Rabbanut to learn the halakhic ramifications of parking your bike on the sidewalk.

 

 

 

Hezbollah, Tel Aviv Living

Training for war, Hezbollah builds realistic model of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like pee

October 29, 2017 Training for war, Hezbollah builds a mock-up of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like peeBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/14/2018 at 8:30 PM

Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.

“Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”

As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”

To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.”

Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”

As we ended the chat, Ali explained that next week their simulated Tel Aviv would receive a massive infusion of people speaking nothing but French.

Bikes, Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living

Tel Aviv Startup designs Bike that’s too shitty to steal

Tel Aviv Startup designs Bike that's too shitty to steal Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/26/2017 at 6:10 PM

Tel Aviv, Ibn Gavriol: Startup Nation does it again! A new company has done the impossible: designing, testing, and marketing a bicycle designed especially for the Tel Aviv market. Specifically, they built a bike that’s “too shitty to steal”.  You see, here in Tel Aviv you can keep your bike outside for as long as 20 minutes and still have a good chance of seeing it again when you come back.  Not surprisingly, the new bike, named the Bal-a-Gan, is flying off the shelves.  The Daily Freier stopped by to talk to the development team and some of their happy customers to find out more about the buzz.

When we arrived, none other than the Daily Freier’s very own Mark Levy greeted us. “This is my seventh start-up so far in Israel, so I’m kind of hoping this one works out. But some of my previous start-ups really paved the way for the Bal-a-Gan, especially the App that allowed you to plan the time and location when your bike gets stolen.“ Mark then went on to explain the unique marketing factors that made the Bal-a-Gan possible. “I guess the biggest factor that created a niche for us is that the police seem to devote just as much resources to combating bike theft as they do for investigating the Binary Options Industry. So we really lucked out.”

The Daily Freier then had the chance to speak to a new owner of a Bal-a-Gan. “OMG this bike SUCKS! This is just the best!” exclaimed happy owner Sarah D. Confident that she now owned a bike too crappy to steal, Sarah rode it to the Central Bus Station, left it unattended, and went inside. A man quickly approached the bicycle with bolt cutters, looked at it for a moment, and turned away.”This bike is an insult to my craft.” he noted disgustedly. Then he went back and removed the seat “just on principle.”

 

Bikes

Tel Aviv’s Trash Cans Hold Protest Against New Bike Lane Laws

Trash in bike Lane

(Photo Credit: Nir Hauser)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/21/2016 at 2:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: The city’s various forms of garbage gathered this afternoon in Rabin Square to protest their potential displacement from the sidewalk under the city’s new mandatory bike lane laws.  The Daily Freier walked over to find out what all fuss was about.

“I’ve been on this sidewalk for over 7 years, and nobody has ever said anything.” announced a large green garbage can named Elad. “But now, because bikes can’t stay out-of-the-way of pedestrians, suddenly we’re the ones who will suffer.  The new bike lane is WAY WAY up in my personal space.”

“This just isn’t fair.” complained Galit, an orange container dedicated to recyclables. “It’s hard enough teaching Israelis what should and shouldn’t be placed in the recyclables.  But now they’re threatening to kick me out of my favorite spot in front of the AM/PM next to the plastic bottle bin on the corner.  All my friends are there!”

It wasn’t just the standard garbage receptacles complaining either. “I’m performing a public service.” declared Snir, a 5 Square metre pile of miscellaneous trash that included coat hangars, baby clothes, potting soil, old womens’ shoes, a Pentium 486 computer, and a Van Morrison CD. “All week long people rummage through me and take things home with them.  A Lone Soldier basically furnished his room just from stuff I had lying around.”

At one point the garbage cans engaged in civil disobedience by purposely blocking the bike lanes and forcing bicyclists to ride in the pedestrian area of the sidewalk, but it looked too much like “every other day in Tel Aviv” and nobody noticed.

 

 

Bikes, Facial Hair

Half of Tel Aviv Under Arrest After Witness Describes Bike Theft Suspect as “Guy with Sort of a Hipster Beard”

(Photo Credit: The Artist Formerly Known as Snir)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/12/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: Approximately 46% of the city is in police custody today after a man spotted stealing a bicycle on Allenby was described by eyewitnesses as “brown or black hair, with sort of a hipster beard. Possibly a man bun, but maybe not”.  The Daily Freier went down to Police Headquarters to check out the balagan first-hand.

With thousands of men milling around in giant makeshift holding pens, Jabotinsky between Dizengoff and Ben Yehuda Streets was completely cut off to traffic.  The police shouted orders to the assembled men by bullhorn, but to little effect. It appeared that the prisoners had themselves issued a list of demands, to include: better Wi-Fi, some coffee hafuch, rolling papers, more outlets to charge their I-Phones, and Krembo.

Despite the chaos, the Daily Freier was able to speak to those citizens who had assisted the authorities in their investigation. Alert local Ronit S. witnessed the theft and immediately went to the police to provide a statement.  “So I went to Headquarters and sat down with a sketch artist and described the guy who stole the bike. But when he was done drawing, the picture looked kinda like my last three ex-boyfriends. Oh yeah, I also told the cops that I overheard the suspect talk about his trip to Southeast Asia and that he was thinking of joining a start-up. Wait. Why are you laughing at me? I thought I was being helpful!”

As the city adjusts to the mass incarceration, the effects are already being felt. At least 22 coffee shops failed to open today due to a lack of employees.  In addition, Birthright Israel reported much more efficient movement of their tours throughout the city, unimpeded by guys approaching the women in their groups because they “just want to talk to you for a second”. The Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” crashed after 12,000 people asked, “for a friend”, how to bail yourself out of jail, create a makeshift pipe out of an apple and tinfoil, and/or which pizza places will deliver to jail. Over 5000 “arrested selfies” were also uploaded to the site before the server went down.

While incarcerated, four of the detainees have already collaborated on an app that allows you to crowd-source prison break attempts with other people currently detained in the same jail as you.

 

Secret Tel Aviv, The IDF

IDF Creates Door-to-Door “Secret Tel Aviv” Team In Case of Wartime Loss of Internet

 

(photo credit: Wikipedia)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/19/2015 at 8:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Home Front Command has teamed up with the popular Facebook page Secret Tel Aviv  in order to create a real-world door-to-door simulation of the site in case the city experiences a wartime loss of Internet.   The Secret Tel Aviv Mobile Team  consists of IDF reservists along with veteran Internet trolls of Secret Tel Aviv, under the command of Captain Uri P., a career officer from Home Front Command.  The Daily Freier sat down with the Captain to learn more about this exciting development.

“This all started during last summer’s Gaza War.  We knew that Hamas was aiming its missiles at Tel Aviv’s critical infrastructure.  We also knew that Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for 50% of all commerce in the city for used cosmetics, old shoes, and broken I-Phones.  In addition, Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for at least a third of all household repairs in the city, from women asking strange men to come unclog their sinks ‘in exchange for coffee’.  So we knew that if Secret Tel Aviv were to go down, it could cripple the city.  I mean, how would Olim Hadashim know that they suck and should return to their country of origin if it weren’t for Secret Tel Aviv?”  Captain Uri went on to explain how he assembles his team.  “If you spend your days on Secret Tel Aviv asking for crowd-sourced advice on your relationship issues, if you try to sell small shampoos that you got from when you stayed in a hotel, if you say ‘Welcome to Israel’ to people who post that their bike got stolen……your country needs you.”

Although the unit officially stood up just this month, The Secret Tel Aviv Team began operating unofficially last summer at the height of the conflict. The Daily Freier spoke to some members of the Tel Aviv public about their experience with Secret Tel Aviv Team.

Alert local Ronit S. described what it was like to see the Secret Tel Aviv Team in action. “The sirens went off at 2 AM, and our building is really old so I grabbed my nieces and nephews and ran down to the basement.  We didn’t have any time so we were all in our pajamas.  The kids were scared and crying. Then Secret Tel Aviv showed up at the shelter.  One of the women started sharing some really personal stuff about what seemed like a serious thyroid condition and asking me for advice. I told her she needed to ask a doctor but she just kept talking.  Then another guy showed me an insect that he found in his kitchen and asked me to identify it. Then the Captain said some really inappropriate shit about how I looked in my nightgown.” Ronit continued to describe the night as she fought back tears; “The fact that they risked their lives in order to just totally waste my time……I have never felt more proud to be Israeli.”

Recent Immigrant Jacques L. also described his experience. “I had just made Aliyah from France in June. So when I went to the public shelter during the alert, I didn’t really know anybody.  But then Secret Tel Aviv showed up.  One guy told me that it was because of me that nobody could afford an apartment, and that I was probably only going to spend 2 months a year there anyway.  Also, a woman told me that her washing machine was broken and that she would be really grateful if I came over and fixed it.  Then she said ‘wink wink’.  I mean I’m French and all but it was still sketchy as hell. Then another guy just started ranting incoherently about FOREX and Binary….It was at that moment that I knew we were all in this together and that Israel is my home.  Am Yisrael Chai.”

Captain Uri told the Daily Freier that based on the early success of Secret Tel Aviv, Homefront Command plans to also create a team that in wartime will go door-to-door with the Facebook page “Keeping Olim in Israel” doing everything they can to convince Olim that they’ve made a huge mistake.

Bikes, Start Up Nation

City That’s Still Trying to Figure Out Where You Should Ride Your Bicycle is Positive It’s Going to Just Nail This Urban Light Rail Thing

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 8/17/2015 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Tel Aviv, a city still wrapping its collective head around where you’re supposed to and not supposed to ride your bicycle, is absolutely positive that it can successfully  plan, build, and operate a complex light rail system linking a dense urban core with outlying regions, while adhering to a strict timetable and budget.  The Daily Freier met up outside of City Hall with Dalia G. from the Urban Planning Department to discuss the project.

“Urban light rail is the logical next step for a modern metropolis like Tel Aviv” noted Dalia, as she deftly stepped aside of an electric bicyclist moving down the sidewalk at 20 Kph.  Dalia continued, “I mean, we are the Start-Up nation. Light rail is a logistical challenge well within our capabilities.”  as she expertly pulled the Daily Freier  reporter out-of-the-way of a driver parking his car halfway onto the sidewalk.  When the Daily Freier asked Dalia if perhaps the city might better spend its resources constructing a Central Bus Station that didn’t look like it was designed by a bargain-hunting Klingon pimp , she grew somewhat impatient. “Listen. We are fully capable of integrating light rail into our existing bus and train infrastructure.  I don’t understand your pessimism.  I mean, really. You act like we’re going to release thousands of rats on the city or something.”

Bikes, Start Up Nation

New App Allows Tel Aviv Residents to Choose the Most Convenient Time and Place to Have Their Bike Stolen

 

New App Allows Tel Aviv Residents to Choose the Most Convenient Time and Place to Have Their Bike Stolen Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/8/2015 at 10:10 AM

Tel Aviv:  The entire city is abuzz about a hot new smart phone app called “E-Z-Steal”.  This app allows Tel Aviv residents to choose the best time and place to have their bike stolen, and even allows residents to choose which South Tel Aviv chop shop to buy their bike back from.  The Daily Freier was on the scene to capture the excitement on the streets.

“Amazing!” noted Jacob S., a Forex trader from Neve Tzedek.  “I wanted to go the beach, so I locked my bike up this morning, spent the day hanging out with  my friends, and by the time I was done, my bike was already stolen and waiting for me at the shop two blocks from the bus station!  The app even interacts with Moovit so I knew the best bus route to use to go buy my bike back!”

“E-Z Steal is just the best! ” enthused Sarah N.  “I got a message yesterday on the app asking if my bike could be stolen today between 9 AM and 11 AM, and I was just, like, No way.  I need to get to work in Ramat Aviv.  But I teach bikram on Thursdays in Florentin, so I just typed in ‘Thursday afternoon, Florentin’.  Now after the class I can have a nice cool down by walking down to Har Tsiyon Street! That shop is the best, and I even have their punch card.  One more theft and my next buyback’s free!”

Because of E-Z Steal‘s popularity, Tel Aviv municipality is looking at developing new apps for the public including one that arranges the best time of day to get knocked off the sidewalk by some jerk on an electric bike called “E-Z Hit“, and also an one that allows customers to choose which hidden charges and unwanted extras to add to their cable/internet bill, coincidentally also named  “E-Z Steal”.

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Bikes, Start Up Nation

Police in Same Country that Captured Eichmann Have No Idea What Happened to Your Bike.

images-7By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/25/2015 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv: The cops at the police station on Dizengoff Street, ostensibly employed by the same government that meticulously discovered, tracked, and captured prominent Nazi Adolph Eichmann, have absolutely no idea what happened to your yellow Diamondback mountain bike that you left locked to the railing behind your apartment last night.

“You mean to tell me that bicycles are stolen from North and Central Tel Aviv and then sold in South Tel Aviv?” asked a policeman incredulously, just about a mile from the Headquarters where the IDF planned the 1981 destruction of Saddam Hussein’s nuclear reactor at Osirak.

Another policeman (you think his name is Moti. Or maybe Dudi.), also employed by the government that executed the daring 1976 Raid on Entebbe, interjected “And you’re saying that the bikes are just sold out in the open?  On the street?”

The shift chief (wait, this guy is “Dudi”. You think.), in a police station 20 minutes away from where the Mossad tracked in real-time the assassination of Hezbollah mastermind Imad Mugniyeh (STRICTLY A FANCIFUL JEST!!! —The Legal Department), asks “And these bikes are stolen, sold, stolen again, and then re-sold???”

The first cop, again a civil servant in the same government that in 2002 successfully interdicted the Iranian weapons ship “Karine A”, notes dryly “You seem to know a lot about these bikes.  Why don’t you just go there and get your bike back?”