Tag: Start-Up

Training for war, Hezbollah builds realistic model of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like pee

 October 29, 2017 Training for war, Hezbollah builds a mock-up of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like peeBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/14/2018 at 8:30 PM

Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.

Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”

As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”

To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.

Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”

As we ended the chat, Ali explained that next week their simulated Tel Aviv would receive a massive infusion of people speaking nothing but French.

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Tel Aviv Startup designs Bike that’s too shitty to steal

Tel Aviv Startup designs Bike that's too shitty to steal Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/26/2017 at 6:10 PM

Tel Aviv, Ibn Gavriol: Startup Nation does it again! A new company has done the impossible: designing, testing, and marketing a bicycle designed especially for the Tel Aviv market. Specifically, they built a bike that’s “too shitty to steal”.  You see, here in Tel Aviv you can keep your bike outside for as long as 20 minutes and still have a good chance of seeing it again when you come back.  Not surprisingly, the new bike, named the Bal-a-Gan, is flying off the shelves.  The Daily Freier stopped by to talk to the development team and some of their happy customers to find out more about the buzz.

When we arrived, none other than the Daily Freier’s very own Mark Levy greeted us. “This is my seventh start-up so far in Israel, so I’m kind of hoping this one works out. But some of my previous start-ups really paved the way for the Bal-a-Gan, especially the App that allowed you to plan the time and location when your bike gets stolen. Mark then went on to explain the unique marketing factors that made the Bal-a-Gan possible. “I guess the biggest factor that created a niche for us is that the police seem to devote just as much resources to combating bike theft as they do for investigating the Binary Options Industry. So we really lucked out.

The Daily Freier then had the chance to speak to a new owner of a Bal-a-Gan. “OMG this bike SUCKS! This is just the best!” exclaimed happy owner Sarah D. Confident that she now owned a bike too crappy to steal, Sarah rode it to the Central Bus Station, left it unattended, and went inside. A man quickly approached the bicycle with bolt cutters, looked at it for a moment, and turned away.”This bike is an insult to my craft.” he noted disgustedly. Then he went back and removed the seat “just on principle.”

 

Tel Aviv is going crazy for new Perfume “Sherut Number 5”

sherut-5(Disclaimer: Our lawyers say that this font really doesn’t resemble anything.)

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/25/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: The city’s “Who’s Who” are just about losing their minds about the hot new perfume hitting the streets: “Sherut Number 5“, inspired by the smell of a Tel Aviv shared taxi. The Daily Freier’s very own Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz attended the product launch today by Dizengoff Square and spoke with the designers of this hot new product.

Lead designer Orit K. explained the origins of the perfume. “So last year, we launched ‘Tahanah Merkazit’, the cologne for men who want to smell like the Central Bus Station. And the reaction was great. But a lot of women in Tel Aviv were left asking ‘So when will there be a product that also lets US smell like cigarette smoke, B.O, and poor decisions?’ So here we are. Welcome to Israel.

Product testing Team Leader Stav C. then interjected to explain how they created the specific ingredients for Sherut Number 5. “On Thursday nights, our teams would get on the Sherut at Rothschild and ride all the way to Ibn Gavriol. They took atmosphere samples as they picked up and dropped off passengers. We really wanted to capture the sights, the sounds, the secretions, and the smells that make Sherut Number 5 so special“.

Orit cautioned us that the product was incredibly powerful and offered the testimony of local guy “Yoav”, who initially attended today’s product launch because he saw women and a table of free food. “I don’t know what happened, but when I smelled the perfume on the spokesmodels, all of my critical thinking skills went out the window. I felt as if I needed to hit on them no matter how ridiculous my game was or how inappropriate the timing. It was like…. like….. like I ran into a busload of girls on Birthright.

Sherut Number 5 will be in stores early next week, and they offer shipping to Europe and North America for Chanukah.

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Tel Aviv Startup Launches ‘Al-Qaedate”: a dating App for the Lonely Jihadists of the Sinai

New Dating App for Lonely ISIS men of the SInai Daily Freier

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/8/2016 at 3:20 PM

Sinai Peninsula: A Tel Aviv-based startup has launched a hot new dating app called Al-Qaedate. At first blush, it seems to be quite similar to Tinder (pictures, swiping, matching, chatting), but as explained to us by one of the developers, Ido, it’s obviously NOT.

The dating scene in Sinai is quite hot, but the opportunities are dry.” explained Ido as we met him for a cup of coffee near Azrieli Center. “That’s why we launched Al-Qaedate. One of the key features of the app is that it’s designed for both sheep and human, and they have equal opportunities to swipe left or un-match those whose behavior turns shady or inappropriate.”

Just to be sure, The Daily Freier went down to the dusty paths of Sinai to find out what’s going on for ourselves. Once there, we met up with recent ISIS recruit Achmad, a big fan of the app. Achmad introduced us to his current sheepfriend, whom he met thanks to the new app.  She asked to be referred to in this story by her Online Profile “WadiGirlRepresenting” because her family is “like super old-school“. WadiGirl explained what drew her to the app. “Guys around here are ridiculous. This one guy seemed nice, but he swiped right on me and then the next week on one of my girlfriends from back at the Oasis. I mean, we’re in the same flock…..We talk.” Then WadiGirl’s conversation turned to a more serious subject. “I just got out of a toxic relationship with a guy from al-Nusra” she disclosed as her voice cracked. “I’m looking for someone who has real feelings and respects me as a sheep, not as someone just to pass time with.” Achmad encouragingly hugged WadiGirl and whispered something in her ear.

Other members of ISIS have high expectations on the new app, too. “I used to be on Tinder, but most of the sheep look nothing like their pictures.” noted Hasan. “No full body shots, just angles and side views. Or pictures with their girlfriends from the same flock. How can I guess who she is? And why do they always write ‘Serious Guys Only?’ I’m not ready for commitment.  I mean, life’s been hectic recently…..drone strikes, schisms within Jihadist organizations based on whether to immediately pursue a Caliphate, stuff like that. I just hope this new app offers more choices.”

Back in Tel Aviv, we confronted the Management of Al-Qaedate for aiding the Enemy and told them that they were bringing more shame to Israel than any other business.  But then they reminded us about FOREX.

 

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Tel Aviv ice cream salesman becomes overnight millionaire

Israeli ice cream salesman becomes overnight millionaire Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 8/22/2016 at 7:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov Beach:  Israel is celebrating another major start-up success as a local ice cream salesman was floated as an Initial Public Offering (IPO) on the Tel Aviv and New York Stock Exchanges.

To sun-worshipping residents of Tel Aviv, the familiar cries of “Arctic” up and down the city’s beaches are as familiar as a hug and a phone call from your Jewish mother. But this week, the appearance of the charming leathery-skinned Shlomo Cohen had an extra glow as it emerged he has been launched as “Arctic Ltd” on two of the world’s major stock exchanges.

Selling Magnums and Ice Lollies for NIS 15 apiece has seen the once-broke pensioner float on the New York Stock Exchange, with a share price of $43, and catapulted onto the Forbes List of Really Really Rich People, ahead of disappointed Israeli model/actress Bar Refaeli.

I never felt bad about charging NIS15 for frozen crap on a stick, there is a market for it and when people’s brains are baking slowly, they will hand over their best friends if you ask.” said Shlomo. Tel Aviv’s Sunbathers were happy for Shlomo, if not exactly surprised. “It just highlights the entrepreneurial spirit of the country, and that fortune can hit you at any time here.” added local Amir Goldenberg, who plans to launch “WaterForYou” off the back of his scooter, to compete with the NIS 25 per bottle charged by some of the beach cafes.

Tel Aviv Stock Exchange Spokesperson, Tal A. explained “We are the Start-Up Nation, and this elderly gentleman has shown that you can be broke your whole life in Israel but it matters less how you live, but more where you finish.

Cohen, 64 from Netanya, does not plan to retire but he does plan to buy a new vest from Castro and a sunhat from Carmel Market and may expand to cover the beaches of Herzliya. To the delight of the tiny straight minority population of Tel Aviv, Bar Refaeli has applied for a part time job with him.

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Now you can sweat like a local with the “Secretion Tel Aviv” App!

secret

(Photo Credit: We totally came up with this ourselves- The Freier Legal Department)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/30/2016 at 5:30 PM

Yafo: The City’s tech community is kinda excited right now about the hottest app on the streets: “Secretion Tel Aviv“. This breakthrough technology allows you to ‘sweat like a local’ by monitoring your activity, food intake, choice of clothing, and caffeine levels.  The Daily Freier talked with the “Secretion Tel Aviv” Start-Up team as they took a break from a rigorously playing ping-pong on a roof in Yafo.

A lot of times, Olim get to Tel Aviv and feel intimidated.  They’re at the beach. They’re trying to impress the locals.” explained lead technician Jered B. “They’re sweating a lot.  But guess what? It’s Diaspora sweat. Not the same.  You want the pheromones?  You need to go local.

Jered led the Daily Freier downstairs to their product development suite, and showed us the rigorous tests that the product has gone through.  Sitting side by side on a couch in a room without very good air conditioning were two gentlemen: a shirtless, heavyset guy eating bamba named Motti (who was in fact the Building’s Vaad Bayit), and a nervous, Oleh named Joshua wearing an Emory University T-Shirt and a pooka shell necklace. Each had wires attached to his forehead, wrists, and chest that were hooked up to some sort of monitor. “So you see Motti over there? His sweat is amazing.  Like the Gold Standard. His diet of coffee, hummus, bamba, and chopped salad produces the perfect mix…..On the other hand, Joshua is still sweating like a Galut…. Now watch this…..”

As an assistant checked the monitor, Jered fed Joshua some bamba with Cofix coffee, and then handed him a lit spliff.  We waited 5 minutes and then checked the monitors as well as the App version on Jered’s I-Phone. “So according to the monitors, Joshua’s sweat passed ‘Oleh’ levels, is approaching ‘I spent a year in MASA’, and may even break into ‘Lone Soldier’ territory.”   And the Daily Freier had to admit that his Hebrew sounded better also.

The Secretion Tel Aviv App is now available on I-Tunes, but the juice guy on the corner says he can download you a better version if you stop by.

I hate Tel Aviv guys, but this one seems different.

i-hate-tel-aviv-guys-but-this-one-seems-different-daily-freier1Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this article.

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 5/1/2016 at 10:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda Street: It’s been a rough couple of months.  You met some real jerks here, like they just find you or something. You gave up on going out to bars, but it’s your friend Ari’s shift, and it’s always fun when she’s behind the bar.  And who is this who just sat down next to you?  Is he new here?  He seems so…. different. Not like the other guys.

So he says that he just came back from Thailand after he finished his Army service.  And he wasn’t a jobnik…. he was in a K-9 Unit in the Jordan Valley!  So in a few weeks he says he will have his surfing instructor license.  And he’s also working in a start-up! You asked him how old he is and he said “35 in dog years”. But that doesn’t even make any sense. And it’s a bit weird that he still lives at home at 35.  But whatever.

So now he says he wants to take you to Eilat next weekend. That’s a bit fast. But he’s Israeli.  And why does he keep referring to his ex as his “former bitch”.  That’s like really sexist.

Wait, Ari is getting you a chaser!  Yay! And she’s leaning in to whisper something.  “This guy’s a dog.

But he seems nice!

“No. Listen to me. He is….a dog.

I think you’re just jealous.

OK, so now your friend Aurelia is getting your attention.  Apparently, he brings a different girl here every night.  But just to be discreet, he sits in a different part of the bar.

Welcome to Israel.

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Mossad: We Sabotaged Iran’s Missile Guidance Systems by Giving them Waze

Waze is Awesome!

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/6/2016 at 3:50 PM

Herzliya Pituach- World leaders woke up this morning to the shocking revelation that Israel’s famed Secret Service had crippled Iran’s guided missile program by  giving the Iranians the popular and sometimes also accurate navigation App “Waze”.  Waze, an Israeli start-up success story that in 2013 was sold to Google for $1 Billion, was secretly uploaded into the Iranian missile guidance database through an unknown Third Party working in coordination with the Mossad.  The Daily Freier was able to speak to a shadowy guy named “Tzvi” outside Google’s Herzliya campus.

This was a difficult assignment. We wanted a program that would spoof the Iranian missile software into calculating the supposedly shortest route, but in reality it sends the projectile on a boondoggle.  So I talked to a friend, who talked to a friend, who copied Waze onto their server.  Now the navigation system directs the missiles aimed at Tel Aviv to first swing by a Tim Horton’s Doughnut Shop just north of Saskatoon.

Iran reacted in undisguised panic this morning at the revelation.  A Revolutionary Guard Corps Spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, described the chaos. “This is worse than Stuxnet.  We’ve lost at least six months.  To add insult to injury, we just found out that our Al Quds Force homepage works off of Wix.”

For its part, Waze strongly denied any part in the current crisis. “I must stress that Waze is a useful community-based application that seeks to improve the common good regardless of politics.” explained Waze spokesperson Arielle C. “I got to get back to work. Please excuse me while I direct an IDF patrol to take a shortcut through Nablus.

 

 

 

 

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Half of Tel Aviv Under Arrest After Witness Describes Bike Theft Suspect as “Guy with Sort of a Hipster Beard”

(Photo Credit: The Artist Formerly Known as Snir)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/12/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: Approximately 46% of the city is in police custody today after a man spotted stealing a bicycle on Allenby was described by eyewitnesses as “brown or black hair, with sort of a hipster beard. Possibly a man bun, but maybe not”.  The Daily Freier went down to Police Headquarters to check out the balagan first-hand.

With thousands of men milling around in giant makeshift holding pens, Jabotinsky between Dizengoff and Ben Yehuda Streets was completely cut off to traffic.  The police shouted orders to the assembled men by bullhorn, but to little effect. It appeared that the prisoners had themselves issued a list of demands, to include: better Wi-Fi, some coffee hafuch, rolling papers, more outlets to charge their I-Phones, and Krembo.

Despite the chaos, the Daily Freier was able to speak to those citizens who had assisted the authorities in their investigation. Alert local Ronit S. witnessed the theft and immediately went to the police to provide a statement.  “So I went to Headquarters and sat down with a sketch artist and described the guy who stole the bike. But when he was done drawing, the picture looked kinda like my last three ex-boyfriends. Oh yeah, I also told the cops that I overheard the suspect talk about his trip to Southeast Asia and that he was thinking of joining a start-up. Wait. Why are you laughing at me? I thought I was being helpful!

As the city adjusts to the mass incarceration, the effects are already being felt. At least 22 coffee shops failed to open today due to a lack of employees.  In addition, Birthright Israel reported much more efficient movement of their tours throughout the city, unimpeded by guys approaching the women in their groups because they “just want to talk to you for a second”. The Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” crashed after 12,000 people asked, “for a friend”, how to bail yourself out of jail, create a makeshift pipe out of an apple and tinfoil, and/or which pizza places will deliver to jail. Over 5000 “arrested selfies” were also uploaded to the site before the server went down.

While incarcerated, four of the detainees have already collaborated on an app that allows you to crowd-source prison break attempts with other people currently detained in the same jail as you.