Tag: Bill Clinton

So I hear you’ve got a cigar problem…

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People of Israel, You’re Welcome.

Sometimes, when one has received a helping hand …. or as we used to say in Chicago, “a solid“, it can be difficult to truly explain the emotions that one feels. Like gratitude. And that’s kind of the situation where we are right now. And by “we” I mean “you” the people of Israel. and “me” The President of the United States.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve done a lot that you can be thankful for. I mean, people have come up with a lot of ideas for peace. Bill Clinton did the whole “Peace Process” thing. And I suppose his idea of gaining the love and trust of the Israeli people before demanding tough concessions was a good idea… for the 90’s.

And I guess George W. Bush had an interesting plan as far as it goes in terms of building a deep personal bond with Ariel Sharon. But what did he get, besides Israel completely withdrawing from Gaza after 40 years  and handing it over to the Palestinian Authority? Are you following?

So clearly, this problem was crying out for a new way of doing business. And that’s where I came in.

I know it’s been a while, but let’s look back to 2009 when I flew over here to address the Muslim World and notably didn’t take a detour to say hi to Israel. Brilliance. Or again, for a bit of Chicago vernacular, I flipped the script …. But it gets better.

Remember the Arab Spring? Gotta say, that Mubarak character was a bit of “old hat“. Why not take a spin with the Muslim Brotherhood?  As my friend Hillary would say, “What difference does it make?

Which brings us to Syria. So there’s some folks who said the best path was to just do nothing and keep quiet. Bu that doesn’t represent. Our values. As Americans. And then you had some folks popping off. Saying we should establish a No-Fly Zone. But all of these folks failed to see the Third Approach: lecture and criticize Putin and Assad without actually, like, doing anything to back it up. And bang!  We were able to bear witness and hold Putin Assad accountable, without, like, actually having to hold them accountable.

Now when we look at the Iran Deal, a lot of folks said it couldn’t be done.  That our positions were too far apart.  And then we had some folks. Right here in Israel. And they were popping off about this. Without knowing. All the facts. But they didn’t have the big picture. Which I had.  And my Administration showed. That if you just gave Iran everything they asked for plus 20%, that they could be reasonable.

So after spending eight years with someone, you’re able to know what your partner is saying without them saying anything at all. Like that Alison Krauss song that’s so popular with the Deplorables  rural folks. So I hear what you’re saying, Israel. And all I have to say, is ‘You’re welcome‘.

Obama out.

Donald & Hillary: You’re Fired

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/5/2016 at 4:30 PM

Washington: Three hundred million people stateside have been left scratching their heads as both Presidential candidates have dropped out of the U.S. election in as dramatic fashion as it started.

Like the genre of reality show that trumpeted the rise of the Donald, Republican Party leadership told him yesterday: “Donald you’re fired!” as it emerged that the pool of married women left untarnished by Donald for THEM to have affairs with was diminished. He was spotted clinging on to his toupee and golf clubs as he hurried away in a New York cab.

As the news filtered through to a glacial Hillary, she was photographed by the paparazzi, lying in an old pantsuit next to a rusty needle in the sukkah of her son-in-law, smoking a doobie and sucking the juice out of an etrog, insisting “I don’t got no fricking problem, I am gonna castrate the sumbitch.” The Daily Freier’s investigations are inconclusive if she was talking about Anthony Weiner or her husband. There was a knock on the door by men with white coats as Bill looked away, sheepishly at a glossy picture of Monica Lewinsky on the mantlepiece.

Diminished by an embarrassing Brexit, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth made the unusual foray into offering an opinion in the political arena, by bringing up the possibility of renewed British colonialism, saying: “One is happy to take back the United States on a temporary basis until sense and stability have returned, but we demand that they keep Spice Girl Mel B. Oh and Piers Morgan too.

 

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It takes a Village to erase my Hard Drive.


Ms. Clinton was sad. Sad Sad Sad.

‘Cuz Congress had questions and it was looking quite bad.

Hillary gathered her pals and told them the news

The Senator got wise to the server in the loo.

But what shall we do?


“We need to wipe the server clean. Who has the Bleach Bit?”

I do!” said Sid. “Last name is Blumenthal and Max is my kid!

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“Who will smash the 13 Cell Phones?”

I can!” said Huma with plenty of verve. “Right after evicting Dick Pic McPerv!”

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Can we get immunity?

Bill said it’s a cinch. “I can talk on the plane with Loretta Lynch.

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Hillary asked “But what of the Fed? And their investigation?”

Just leave it to me, No problem homie. I run the FBI and my name’s Mr. Comey.

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“Who will spin the networks?”

I can!” replied the Podesta named John. “CNN, CBS, NBC, they’re all in on our con!

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But wait!” wondered Hil.  “Who will supervise the interns while everyone’s busy?

I got this.

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Woman Who Chose to Marry Anthony Weiner Thinks AIPAC Is Tacky

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Washington: Top Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abdedin is in a bit of a pickle lately after leaked emails reveal that she had some not-so-nice things to say about the American Israel Public Affairs Council (AIPAC). Ms. Abedin, the brilliant Washington insider who married and had a child with the underwear selfie artist formerly known as Anthony Weiner AKA “Carlos Danger”, referred to AIPAC as “that crowd“.

(THE DAILY FREIER APPEARS ON ISRAELLYCOOL TODAY! CHECK IT OUT HERE!)

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Israel Accuses Iran of Secretly Producing Gluten

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(Photo Credit: AFP)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 12/8/2015 at 12:20 PM

Jerusalem: In a tense press conference, Prime Minister Netanyahu made his strongest accusation to date: that Iran had a clandestine plan in place to manufacture the substance most feared by White Western Progressives: Gluten. Netanyahu walked an at-first skeptical media step by step on Iran’s dual-use bakeries, illegal import of non-EU compliant pasta, and an array of centrifuges spinning high-grade gluten out of low-grade pita bread.

The International Community reacted in panic, with multiple food co-ops in Hendon, San Francisco, Ann Arbor, and Ithaca shutting down temporarily in a panic. Ann Arbor Peoples’ Socialist Inclusive Food and Wellness Cooperative Collective Chairperson, NightSky Dyson summed up the feeling of the Progressive Community. “ When I saw Netanyahu’s speech, I thought it was going to be more of his ‘Iran’s getting the bomb’ blah-blah bullshit. But this…..this is serious. Sorry, I need to go; we’re going to need to stock up on a LOT more yogurt cultures. Wait….do you think we can blame this on the Occupation?”

The Jewish Progressive Left was equally confused. Jeremy Ben-Ami, Grand Poobah over at J-Street, summed up the feelings of angst. “I hope you appreciate how delicate this situation is. There is only one thing that my constituents dislike more than Israel Netanyahu’s policies, and that’s gluten.”

The reaction of the American political class was equally swift. Noted purveyor of wisdom Donald Trump declared that he would have cut a better deal with the Iranians that would have left them with only gluten-free products. President Obama admonished Americans not to discuss “so-called gluten” and that the current development was just the work of “some folks on the wrong side of dietary history”. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton mentioned that during her tenure, she flew 900,000 miles trying to combat gluten, while current Secretary of State Kerry noted that he was for gluten before he was against it. Former President Clinton adamantly declared that he in fact did not have sexual relations with that gluten.

Famous Moments in Modern History, as Told by the BBC’s Jerusalem Bureau

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(Photo Credit: The Beeb)


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The North Atlantic, 1912: Iceberg suffers severe structural damage following encounter with large boat. Something bad happened to the people on the boat as well.


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Sarajevo, 1914: Austro-Hungarian police severely manhandle Serbian man following tragic death of Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife while driving.


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New Jersey, 1938: Several tons of expensive hydrogen gas lost as the Airship Hindenburg explodes. Some people died too.


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Pearl Harbor, 1941: Americans fire upon Japanese pilots, killing dozens. And the USS Arizona sinks along with its crew during current cycle of violence.


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Dallas, 1963: Texas Book Depository suffers a break-in. Yada, yada, yada, President Kennedy dies.


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Tehran, 1979: In serious breach of diplomatic protocol, United States Embassy personnel rudely reject Persian hospitality.


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Beijing, 1989: Anti-government extremist disrupts traffic following altercation in Tiananmen Square. Rumor has it that some students died there too.


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Los Angeles 1994: Popular football player OJ Simpson’s gloves are completely ruined. Also his ex-wife and her boyfriend are dead.


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Washington, 1998: Intern performs sex act in the White House, damages new blue dress and premium cigar. President Clinton deeply and personally affected by incident.


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Pakistan, 2011: During late-night home invasion, Americans with assault rifles kill visiting Saudi philosopher who was quiet and kept to himself.


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Jerusa….Wait….this  piece is satire, but you guys actually wrote this. Our bad. Honest mistake.