Category: Terrorism

Refusing to Give in to Terror, Tel Aviv Man Maintains Normal Routine of Just Being a Total Dick

Screen Shot 2015-11-28 at 9.53.02 PMBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/27/2015 at 8:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Local resident Dan G. doesn’t like to be called a hero.   But his steadfast refusal to let the current wave of terror change his way of life just might make him one. Dan is not about to let the terrorists win, and he demonstrates this by maintaining the same daily activities he has always maintained: being a complete dick to any and all he comes into contact with in this great city.  The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along with Dan as he went about his day.

We met Dan outside his apartment building in the Kikar Rabin neighborhood, as he parked his car up onto the sidewalk, blocking the route for pedestrians but providing him a mere 10 meter walk to his front door. As Dan got out of the car with his dog, he described his philosophy. “The terrorists want to destroy my way of life. But I won’t let them.” explained Dan as his dog defecated on the sidewalk and we continued to walk without stopping.  The Daily Freier followed Dan as he stopped by his local post office to mail a parcel.  “The most important thing we can do is just maintain our routine.  You know, live our life.” explained Dan as he strode past the ticket machine and several customers clutching tickets and walked right up and handed his package to a postal employee. “I just feel that this is my contribution.” said Dan as he checked the Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” and wrote some pretty inappropriate stuff on a post from an attractive Spanish girl asking for help finding a roommate. We then followed Dan to a bus stop for the Number 25 bus, as he sidestepped the line, got on the bus and kicked his feet up on the seat in front of him. The Daily Freier then followed Dan to his favorite bar where we enjoyed beers while he explained his personal code of conduct. “My philosophy is just to keep being yourself in tough times.” When the Daily Freier got back from the bathroom, Dan was gone and we ended up paying the bar tab ourselves.

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Aspiring Jihadist Disappointed that Paradise is Full of Jews, Smells like a Jerusalem Hospital

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By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/18/2015 at 10:30 PM

Jerusalem: Ahmed Manasrah is pretty upset. Last week when he and his cousin stabbed two Jews, including a 13 year old kid on a bicycle, he was pretty sure he was on a one way ticket to a paradise full of hot chicks with large eyes and firm breasts just for him.  But now he’s woken up in what looks for all intents and purposes like an Israeli hospital. And worse, it’s crawling with Jews.  “This it total bullshit.”  fumed an annoyed Ahmed.  “According to my timeline, I should have gotten at least to second base by now with one of those chicks they promised me.  But no.  I mean, one of the nurses is kinda pretty, but she’s really bossy and always tells me what to do. ‘Go to bed, time to eat, time to go to the bathroom.’  This just sucks.

When asked by the Daily Freier if maybe he is in fact still alive and staying in a Jerusalem hospital, Ahmed was emphatic. “Nonsense! President Abbas says that I am dead.  And he never lies about anything!”

Ahmed continued his rant; “This place totally blows. It’s like I died and went to Jew Heaven.”   While Ahmed holds out hope that things will turn around, the head nurse just stopped by to tell him that the only virgins in the building are the guys in the basement Tech Support/IT office who play World of Warcraft.  And there’s only five of them.

Prince of Darkness Gives Joan Rivers 48 Hours to Vacate Hell After She Makes Osama Bin Laden Cry

joanriversshowsthoughtsoscarssticksupretjal_kwvbl1(Editor’s Note: We don’t really think that Joan Rivers is going to Hell, but this was too good a story to ignore.  Plus we hope she would have liked it.  We also know that Jews aren’t really big on the whole “Hell” concept, which is a good thing because members of the Daily Freier Staff may or may not have been blogging on Shabbes.  But if there is a Hell we hope that Bin Laden is forced to attend an eternal synagogue board meeting debating the time and location of next month’s Sisterhood Rummage Sale……)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/6/2014 at 10:30 AM

Gehenna: A Spokesperson for The Deceiver of Men confirmed today that because of a very public blow-up involving the late Al Qaeda mastermind Osama Bin Laden, Ms. Joan Rivers was no longer welcome in Hell and has been asked to vacate the premises no later than Midnight, 7 September, Hell Central Time. The incident occurred at Hell’s Starbucks [Editor: OF COURSE Hell has a Starbucks] yesterday afternoon, mere hours after Joan River’s passing from this plane of existence. According to bystanders, a very public argument broke out moments after the outspoken Jewish comedienne entered the shop to find Mr. Bin Laden sitting with several of his wives drinking pumpkin-spice blend.

Rivers: Fancy meeting you here, you big putz!

Bin Laden: You are a shameless Jewish whore!

Rivers: Tell me something I don’t know; I sold bracelets on QVC that said the same thing…..(Turning to a very young  looking wife of Bin Laden) Honey, how old are you? Don’t you have a curfew?  (Turning back to Bin Laden) Hey Osama Bin Amber Alert, where did you meet this one, during recess?

Bin Laden: You cannot talk to me like that! I led the confrontation with the Great Satan! I made your nation quake! I…

Rivers: (Interrupting) And you died watching porn in a shithole so disgusting I wouldn’t let my dog pee there. (Lighting a Cigarette, looking Bin Laden in the eye)…. Bubelleh, I’m just getting started with you…..

Starbucks Employee: Excuse me Ms. Rivers, But the 7th Circle Starbucks has a strict No Smoking Policy [Editor: OF COURSE Hell enforces No Smoking Rules]

Rivers: Don’t tell me about your stupid No Smoking rules! I’m f–ing dead!  Do you think I give a…….[The Employee Runs Away]

Bin Laden: [Getting Up, turning to his wives] We are leaving!

Rivers: Your beard makes you look like a low-rent Wolfman Jack! [She starts handing out business cards to Bin Laden’s wives]  Listen up ladies—whenever you want to leave this loser, I know the best divorce lawyer in Hell [Editor: And there are quite a few of them down there]. You’re each entitled to half his shit.  Which is 50% plus 50% plus 50% plus 50%,which equals…..forget it, let me go ask my sheister accountant….

It was at this point when Hell’s Mall Security escorted Ms. Rivers from the premises and presented her with a Persona Non Grata Order.  When contacted, Ms. Rivers’ publicist noted that she currently has no plans post-Hell, but she may do a week of shows in Vegas.