(Photo Credit: Nir Hauser)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 4/21/2016 at 2:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: The city’s various forms of garbage gathered this afternoon in Rabin Square to protest their potential displacement from the sidewalk under the city’s new mandatory bike lane laws. The Daily Freier walked over to find out what all fuss was about.
“I’ve been on this sidewalk for over 7 years, and nobody has ever said anything.” announced a large green garbage can named Elad. “But now, because bikes can’t stay out-of-the-way of pedestrians, suddenly we’re the ones who will suffer. The new bike lane is WAY WAY up in my personal space.”
“This just isn’t fair.” complained Galit, an orange container dedicated to recyclables. “It’s hard enough teaching Israelis what should and shouldn’t be placed in the recyclables. But now they’re threatening to kick me out of my favorite spot in front of the AM/PM next to the plastic bottle bin on the corner. All my friends are there!”
It wasn’t just the standard garbage receptacles complaining either. “I’m performing a public service.” declared Snir, a 5 Square metre pile of miscellaneous trash that included coat hangars, baby clothes, potting soil, old womens’ shoes, a Pentium 486 computer, and a Van Morrison CD. “All week long people rummage through me and take things home with them. A Lone Soldier basically furnished his room just from stuff I had lying around.”
At one point the garbage cans engaged in civil disobedience by purposely blocking the bike lanes and forcing bicyclists to ride in the pedestrian area of the sidewalk, but it looked too much like “every other day in Tel Aviv” and nobody noticed.
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 4/7/2016 at 2:50 PM
Tel Aviv: With the city still reeling from yesterday’s bombshell article exposing the relationship between the FOREX Industry and hookups, concerned citizens are now meeting up in public to demand answers from their elected leaders on today’s burning question: Is the Daily Freier for Real or What???? By this afternoon, hundreds of city residents had gathered in Kikar Rabin to demonstrate their concern and ensure their voices were heard. The Daily Freier wandered over to help investigate itself.
“I don’t know what to think anymore.” stated an obviously distraught Adi H. “I get all of my news from the Daily Freier. That’s how I learned that a talking Israeli bird caught spying in Lebanon joined ‘Breaking the Silence’. Yet none of the so-called ‘real news sources’ would touch the story.”
“The Daily Freier sucks.” complained Avi T. “They tell nothing but lies. They said that Secret Tel Aviv was getting so out of control that it had become a self-aware entity. So I cited them for my Term Paper on Artificial Intelligence at Hebrew University, and my professor failed me. I [freaking] hate those liars.”
Yet some loyal readers continued to defend the Daily Freier. “It’s a must-read for me.” explained alert local Ronit S. “I mean, weather, horoscope, fashion, everything. Just last week I was really concerned because an Olah Hadashah was feared missing. I mean, get this…. she was here for 3 days and STILL HAD NOT STARTED A BLOG! I know! How crazy is that? So I was really excited when I found out that she was OK and hanging out at Mike’s Place!”
As the story went to print, a prominent national politician volunteered to go undercover in Tel Aviv dressed as a native in order to the bottom of this mystery.
By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/27/2015 at 8:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Local resident Dan G. doesn’t like to be called a hero. But his steadfast refusal to let the current wave of terror change his way of life just might make him one. Dan is not about to let the terrorists win, and he demonstrates this by maintaining the same daily activities he has always maintained: being a complete dick to any and all he comes into contact with in this great city. The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along with Dan as he went about his day.
We met Dan outside his apartment building in the Kikar Rabin neighborhood, as he parked his car up onto the sidewalk, blocking the route for pedestrians but providing him a mere 10 meter walk to his front door. As Dan got out of the car with his dog, he described his philosophy. “The terrorists want to destroy my way of life. But I won’t let them.” explained Dan as his dog defecated on the sidewalk and we continued to walk without stopping. The Daily Freier followed Dan as he stopped by his local post office to mail a parcel. “The most important thing we can do is just maintain our routine. You know, live our life.” explained Dan as he strode past the ticket machine and several customers clutching tickets and walked right up and handed his package to a postal employee. “I just feel that this is my contribution.” said Dan as he checked the Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” and wrote some pretty inappropriate stuff on a post from an attractive Spanish girl asking for help finding a roommate. We then followed Dan to a bus stop for the Number 25 bus, as he sidestepped the line, got on the bus and kicked his feet up on the seat in front of him. The Daily Freier then followed Dan to his favorite bar where we enjoyed beers while he explained his personal code of conduct. “My philosophy is just to keep being yourself in tough times.” When the Daily Freier got back from the bathroom, Dan was gone and we ended up paying the bar tab ourselves.