*SPOILER ALERT: Everything in this Story is True.
SCENE: A pub somewhere in Central Tel Aviv. The Daily Freier staff are day-drinking.
Yuval Weiss, Editor: I’m bored. Let’s make something up. Fake News. You know what would be a great story? A German dancer moves to Tel Aviv.
Mia Deych: OK, but with his Israeli husband.
Aaron Pomerantz: And he has a dog!
Mark Levy: Her name is Sissi! But she hates most other dogs!
Yekutiel Bornstein: Yeah! But Sissi really has a heart of gold! I mean, she is only angry because of her hard-luck upbringing in an American puppy mill. Also, she used to live in Austria.
Lee Saunders: But she is also legally blind. Like, she once attacked a plastic bag that she mistook for another dog.
Chava Ewa: Maybe her owner thinks that Sissi is actually trapped in the wrong body and is really a chain-smoking, whiskey drinking bar brawler. Oh yeah, and he wants to write a book about it.
Mia: But one day she meets the dog of her dreams in Florentin. His name is Haim. And he lives near Levinsky Street.
Emily Goldstein: Yes! But then her owner goes on Secret Tel Aviv to try to find the missed connection!
Yuval: Guys, let’s be serious. People don’t just log onto Secret Tel Aviv in order to arrange romantic hookups for their pets. Wait…. never mind. I guess they do. So where were we?
Aaron: So in order to make this happen, Sissi’s owner supplies the Daily Freier with Glamour Pics! Like for Tinder. Only for Dogs!
Mark: (Scribbling in a notebook) OMG. Tinder for dogs! That is an Amazing idea for a Start-Up!
(Gets up to leave.) I gotta go Beta-Test this.
Yuval: OK Good. I think we have a story. Let’s get chasers.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 9/6/2017 at 1:30 PM
Tel Aviv Dog Beach: Amid ongoing investigations for, as far as we can tell, illegally forcing their household help to hide cigars and 30 Agurot deposit bottles inside of furniture while riding on a submarine, reliable sources now declare that the only member of the Netanyahu family not under police investigation is their dog: serial biter/stealth pooper Kaiya Netanyahu. And with the rest of the family in a bit of “deep dog doo doo” Kaiya finds herself the only Netanyahu who has not been interviewed under caution by the police. We had a chance to speak with Kaiya after she finished swimming at the Tel Aviv Dog Beach.
“I just really feel that our family is under attack from the media.” explained Kaiya as she dried off in the sun. “Like what happened to Yair and I last month when that crazy woman followed us and took our picture. It’s just not fair.”
The Daily Freier then asked. “So you’re saying that you and Yair did not in fact leave your poop on a sidewalk unattended?”
“What are you doing for the Holidays?” replied Kaiya. “Are you going anyplace nice?”
The Daily Freier asked Kaiya if she has ever seen the family take bribes or illegally accept gifts. “Never! I hate the smell of cigars! And submarines make me claustrophobic!”
As Kaiya got up to leave for an appointment at an upscale Tel Aviv dog washery, she admonished. “Don’t believe everything you read in the newspapers! Except the Daily Freier!”
UPDATE: Amid ongoing fallout from Yair and Kaiya’s “Poop-Gate” incident last month, police have asked Kaiya for a “sample” to see if there is a DNA match with the “evidence” left behind at the scene. She has now retained legal counsel and is referring all questions to her attorney.
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 3/21/2016 at 9:10 PM
Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu: The dogs in your neighborhood have a new guy assigned to walk them, and quite frankly they’re not sure if he’s up for the job. The pack of dog had grown accustomed to being picked up by their long time walker Assaf, only to learn that he has just moved to Berlin “for 6 months to get my finances together“. And Assaf’s replacement, some guy named Eytan, may not have what it takes. The Daily Freier sat down with the dogs while they waited outside of the Super Yuda while Eytan bought Bamba and cigarettes.
“Listen. We’ve known each other a long time.” explained Rocky, a Labrador Retriever. “Went to gan together. Joined the army together. Backpacked in Nepal together. And it’s hard for somebody new to break into our group. But Assaf was just a really chill guy. He really understood us. Also, he was constantly high. So I guess that helped.”
“I don’t think this Eytan character can handle all of our personalities.” added Shimon, a beagle mix. “Bat Sheva, the Maltese over there is Baal Tshuva and likes to go to the new religious section of the dog beach by the Hilton. Rocky always wants to go to the meetup for vegan dogs at Gan Meir. (Editor’s Note: How can you tell if you’ve met a vegan dog? Don’t worry. They will tell you.). And Benny the wolfhound over there keeps wanting to go to this one bar on Ben Yehuda ‘to see this girl’ he met. So I have my doubts. I just don’t think this new guy is going to make it.
As Eytan returned from the store, he announced that he was taking all of them to that dog washery called Doggy Style (And yes. That’s their real name.Welcome to Tel Aviv.) down the street for a shampoo. Maybe this new guy will be OK after all.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Mia Deych
Last Updated 8/18/2016 at 6:10 PM
Tel Aviv, Gan Meir: As the City’s vegan restaurant are rapidly increasing, Tel Aviv dogs don’t want to be left behind. Labrador Retriever “Rocky” and American Pit Bull Terrier “Bamba“, the founders of the “Tel Aviv Vegan dogs’ Chavurah”, opened a special vegan section at Gan Meir with bi-weekly meet-ups for like-minded canines. The Daily Freier got a chance to take a short interview before their first meetup.
Rocky explained his dog journey of self discovery “After I became vegan 2 years ago, I’ve discovered a whole new world of tastes and flavours. It’s been a turning point of my life that helped me to distinguish a lot. Unfortunately, like any cutting-edge idea, the vegan dogs’ movement wasn’t welcome in a dogs’ community.”
Rocky then described the reactions of fellow Tel Avivian canines. “From smirking and frowning to condemnation – we’ve seen all kinds of muzzle expressions. But we won’t let them ridicule us! We stand by our principles, and quite soon they will understand how terribly wrong they were”.
“They’ve just gone astray. It’s okay.” agreed Bamba as she calmly continued her yoga practice. “I feel like down dog pose is more spiritual than cat pose (not even mentioning rabbit)”. Bamba paused for a second. ”Oh, I mean we welcome all breeds and mammals. We are here to share love and positive energy”. Bamba then showed us what they brought for the first meetup. “We’ve got aroma sticks, and some delicious snacks provided by the new vegan store on Sheinkin”.
“In these brochures you can read how barbarically pet food producers treat our brothers and sisters.” interjected Rocky. “This makes me feel sorrowful…” sighed Bamba, who quickly changed the subject. “Oh, and here we have some amazing handmade leashes. My friend just came back from India and sells them for a very good price. Want a few?”
We weren’t sure what we might need them for, so we decided to excuse ourselves and leave.
(DISCLAIMER: This is Satire! Not real! We are sure there is a perfectly good reason that the dog washery is named “Doggy Style”. And if you are the owner, please contact us because we are like DYING to hear the story!)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 7/23/2016 at 4:20 PM
Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu: A new 24-Hour Dog Washery named “Doggy Style” on Yirmiyahu is scandalizing those residents of Tel Aviv who have never seen the slide at Dizengoff Center that emanates from a giant plastic elephant’s digestive track. The Daily Freier was in the area anyway so the story kind of wrote itself.
“I just feel that naming a dog washery after a slang word for a sex act is just inappropriate.” noted Rafi C., who acknowledged that he rarely goes to Dizengoff Center and therefore has never seen the slide on the playground that exits a fake elephant’s butt.
“This is just too much for Tel Aviv” stated Yonatan P. , who admitted that not only has he not seen the Dizengoff Center Elephant Butt Slide, but that he missed the Haaretz Concert last March where a performance artist placed a flag in his butt and pelted the audience with oranges (This REALLY REALLY Happened)
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the name. I think it’s great!” stated alert local Ronit S., as she brought her basset hound into the facility for a bath. While washing her pup, named “Chris”, she added that she is currently working at a Start-Up that does worldwide job placement for Christian Outreach organizations called “Missionary Positions“.
Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this article.
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 5/1/2016 at 10:00 AM
Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda Street: It’s been a rough couple of months. You met some real jerks here, like they just find you or something. You gave up on going out to bars, but it’s your friend Ari’s shift, and it’s always fun when she’s behind the bar. And who is this who just sat down next to you? Is he new here? He seems so…. different. Not like the other guys.
So he says that he just came back from Thailand after he finished his Army service. And he wasn’t a jobnik…. he was in a K-9 Unit in the Jordan Valley! So in a few weeks he says he will have his surfing instructor license. And he’s also working in a start-up! You asked him how old he is and he said “35 in dog years”. But that doesn’t even make any sense. And it’s a bit weird that he still lives at home at 35. But whatever.
So now he says he wants to take you to Eilat next weekend. That’s a bit fast. But he’s Israeli. And why does he keep referring to his ex as his “former bitch”. That’s like really sexist.
Wait, Ari is getting you a chaser! Yay! And she’s leaning in to whisper something. “This guy’s a dog.”
“But he seems nice!”
“No. Listen to me. He is….a dog.”
“I think you’re just jealous.”
OK, so now your friend Aurelia is getting your attention. Apparently, he brings a different girl here every night. But just to be discreet, he sits in a different part of the bar.
Welcome to Israel.
(Photo Credit: Secret Tel Aviv!)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 4/20/2016 at 8:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Hilton Beach North: In a now familiar scenario, the city responded to pressure from the public and has made adjustments to help our furry companions in the city. Specifically, Tel Aviv’s dog beach north of Hilton Beach now has a gender-segregated bathing area for dogs concerned about modesty for religious reasons. The Daily Freier’s dog reporter was on the scene to learn about the new events.
“This is just amazing” enthused Rivki, a dalmatian/beagle mix. “It’s just so much more relaxing. Before they put up the mechitza, it was just out of control. I mean, when I moved here from Jerusalem my girlfriends warned me. But they were right. Tel Aviv’s dogs are just total…… dogs.”
Bat-Sheva, a Maltese, shared Rivki’s enthusiasm for the change. “Wow. I mean, Baruch HaShem. Last week before the new system, I was here during the day just trying to read a book and this pit bull would Not. Stop. Bothering me.” she noted, as she strained to look over the mechitza to see who was in the mens’ section. “Wait, did you see Nachum my ex on the other side? Did he ask about me?”
Tel Aviv Municipality informed the Daily Freier that it has some other improvements that it wishes to make to the dog beach, but will wait to see how many people get offended by this article first.