Back in 2017, Sissi the Angry Rescue Dog taught us that using Secret Tel Aviv to get laid isn’t just for humans. Two years ago, a guy tried to find a “Missed Connection”. For his dog. Naturally we decided to troll him and yada yada yada, somehow ended up agreeing to help find Chaim, the Bashert of his beloved dog Sissi. Because Tikkun Olam.
Anyhoo, the Daily Freier wrote the most amazing story as we doggedly (Get it? Get it?) set out to help Sissi the anti-social Kalvah find Chaim the dog of her dreams.
Then the Magic of the Internets did its work. Chaim’s owner even chimed in and posted Chaim’s back-story. On Secret Tel Aviv, naturally. Everything was moving toward a real Shidduch.
So… they had quite a few dates. All seemed well. Tail wagging, sniffing of the important parts… and then one day Sissi was over him. Not sure what happened… maybe the age difference was too much. He had a lot of energy and she just wanted a calm life.
Then Sissi’s dads moved a couple of blocks down the road, but she’s so lazy that she won’t walk all the way to their old meeting place anymore.
Tel Aviv Dog Beach: Amid ongoing investigations for, as far as we can tell, illegally forcing their household help to hide cigars and 30 Agurot deposit bottles inside of furniture while riding on a submarine, reliable sources now declare that the only member of the Netanyahu family not under police investigation is their dog: serial biter/stealth pooper Kaiya Netanyahu. And with the rest of the family in a bit of “deep dog doo doo” Kaiya finds herself the only Netanyahu who has not been interviewed under caution by the police. We had a chance to speak with Kaiya after she finished swimming at the Tel Aviv Dog Beach.
“I just really feel that our family is under attack from the media.” explained Kaiya as she dried off in the sun. “Like what happened to Yair and I last month when that crazy woman followed us and took our picture. It’s just not fair.”
The Daily Freier then asked. “So you’re saying that you and Yair did not in fact leave your poop on a sidewalk unattended?”
“What are you doing for the Holidays?” replied Kaiya. “Are you going anyplace nice?”
The Daily Freier asked Kaiya if she has ever seen the family take bribes or illegally accept gifts. “Never! I hate the smell of cigars! And submarines make me claustrophobic!”
As Kaiya got up to leave for an appointment at an upscale Tel Aviv dog washery, she admonished. “Don’t believe everything you read in the newspapers! Except the Daily Freier!”
UPDATE: Amid ongoing fallout from Yair and Kaiya’s “Poop-Gate” incident last month, police have asked Kaiya for a “sample” to see if there is a DNA match with the “evidence” left behind at the scene. She has now retained legal counsel and is referring all questions to her attorney.
Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu: The dogs in your neighborhood have a new guy assigned to walk them, and quite frankly they’re not sure if he’s up for the job. The pack of dog had grown accustomed to being picked up by their long time walker Assaf, only to learn that he has just moved to Berlin “for 6 months to get my finances together“. And Assaf’s replacement, some guy named Eytan, may not have what it takes. The Daily Freier sat down with the dogs while they waited outside of the Super Yuda while Eytan bought Bamba and cigarettes.
“Listen. We’ve known each other a long time.” explained Rocky, a Labrador Retriever. “Went to gan together. Joined the army together. Backpacked in Nepal together. And it’s hard for somebody new to break into our group. But Assaf was just a really chill guy. He really understood us. Also, he was constantly high. So I guess that helped.”
Tel Aviv, Gan Meir: As the City’s vegan restaurant are rapidly increasing, Tel Aviv dogs don’t want to be left behind. Labrador Retriever “Rocky” and American Pit Bull Terrier “Bamba“, the founders of the “Tel AvivVegan dogs’ Chavurah”, opened a special vegan section at Gan Meir with bi-weekly meet-ups for like-minded canines. The Daily Freier got a chance to take a short interview before their first meetup.
Rocky explained his dog journey of self discovery “After I became vegan 2 years ago, I’ve discovered a whole new world of tastes and flavours. It’s been a turning point of my life that helped me to distinguish a lot. Unfortunately, like any cutting-edge idea, the vegan dogs’ movement wasn’t welcome in a dogs’ community.”
Rocky then described the reactions of fellow Tel Avivian canines. “From smirking and frowning to condemnation – we’ve seen all kinds of muzzle expressions. But we won’t let them ridicule us! We stand by our principles, and quite soon they will understand how terribly wrong they were”.
“They’ve just gone astray. It’s okay.” agreed Bamba as she calmly continued her yoga practice. “I feel like down dog pose is more spiritual than cat pose (not even mentioning rabbit)”. Bamba paused for a second. ”Oh, I mean we welcome all breeds and mammals. We are here to share love and positive energy”. Bamba then showed us what they brought for the first meetup. “We’ve got aroma sticks, and some delicious snacks provided by the new vegan store on Sheinkin”.
“In these brochures you can read how barbarically pet food producers treat our brothers and sisters.” interjected Rocky. “This makes me feel sorrowful…” sighed Bamba, who quickly changed the subject. “Oh, and here we have some amazing handmade leashes. My friend just came back from India and sells them for a very good price. Want a few?”
We weren’t sure what we might need them for, so we decided to excuse ourselves and leave.
(DISCLAIMER: This is Satire! Not real! We are sure there is a perfectly good reason that the dog washery is named “Doggy Style”. And if you are the owner, please contact us because we are like DYING to hear the story!)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 7/23/2016 at 4:20 PM
Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu: A new 24-Hour Dog Washery named “Doggy Style” on Yirmiyahu is scandalizing those residents of Tel Aviv who have never seen the slide at Dizengoff Center that emanates from a giant plastic elephant’s digestive track. The Daily Freier was in the area anyway so the story kind of wrote itself.
“I just feel that naming a dog washery after a slang word for a sex act is just inappropriate.” noted Rafi C., who acknowledged that he rarely goes to Dizengoff Center and therefore has never seen the slide on the playground that exits a fake elephant’s butt.
“This is just too much for Tel Aviv” stated Yonatan P. , who admitted that not only has he not seen the Dizengoff Center Elephant Butt Slide, but that he missed the Haaretz Concert last March where a performance artist placed a flag in his butt and pelted the audience with oranges (This REALLY REALLY Happened)
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the name. I think it’s great!” stated alert local Ronit S., as she brought her basset hound into the facility for a bath. While washing her pup, named “Chris”, she added that she is currently working at a Start-Up that does worldwide job placement for Christian Outreach organizations called “Missionary Positions“.
Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this article.
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 5/1/2016 at 10:00 AM
Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda Street: It’s been a rough couple of months. You met some real jerks here, like they just find you or something. You gave up on going out to bars, but it’s your friend Ari’s shift, and it’s always fun when she’s behind the bar. And who is this who just sat down next to you? Is he new here? He seems so…. different. Not like the other guys.
So he says that he just came back from Thailand after he finished his Army service. And he wasn’t a jobnik…. he was in a K-9 Unit in the Jordan Valley! So in a few weeks he says he will have his surfing instructor license. And he’s also working in a start-up! You asked him how old he is and he said “35 in dog years”. But that doesn’t even make any sense. And it’s a bit weird that he still lives at home at 35. But whatever.
So now he says he wants to take you to Eilat next weekend. That’s a bit fast. But he’s Israeli. And why does he keep referring to his ex as his “former bitch”. That’s like really sexist.
Wait, Ari is getting you a chaser! Yay! And she’s leaning in to whisper something. “This guy’s a dog.”
“But he seems nice!”
“No. Listen to me. He is….a dog.”
“I think you’re just jealous.”
OK, so now your friend Aurelia is getting your attention. Apparently, he brings a different girl here every night. But just to be discreet, he sits in a different part of the bar.
Tel Aviv, Hilton Beach North: In a now familiar scenario, the city responded to pressure from the public and has made adjustments to help our furry companions in the city. Specifically, Tel Aviv’s dog beach north of Hilton Beach now has a gender-segregated bathing area for dogs concerned about modesty for religious reasons. The Daily Freier’s dog reporter was on the scene to learn about the new events.
“This is just amazing” enthused Rivki, a dalmatian/beagle mix. “It’s just so much more relaxing. Before they put up the mechitza, it was just out of control. I mean, when I moved here from Jerusalem my girlfriends warned me. But they were right. Tel Aviv’s dogs are just total…… dogs.”
Bat-Sheva, a Maltese, shared Rivki’s enthusiasm for the change. “Wow. I mean, Baruch HaShem. Last week before the new system, I was here during the day just trying to read a book and this pit bull would Not. Stop. Bothering me.” she noted, as she strained to look over the mechitza to see who was in the mens’ section. “Wait, did you see Nachum my ex on the other side? Did he ask about me?”
Tel Aviv Municipality informed the Daily Freier that it has some other improvements that it wishes to make to the dog beach, but will wait to see how many people get offended by this article first.
Tel Aviv, Weizmann: In a sign of the changing times that we live in, Tel Aviv’s Municipal Court is amending its laws for approving the granting of a divorce. Starting January 1st, “Our Dogs Were Not Compatible” is now a legally binding grounds for divorce under the civil laws of the State of Israel for couples who have resided within Tel Aviv city limits for at least one calendar year.
“Think of this as the Judicial System meeting a remarkably self-absorbed city halfway.” explained Senior Judge Yekutiel S. “The court is also currently contemplating whether to permit a divorce when one partner states that they want to move north of the Yarkon River or East of Ayalon Highway.”
In order to get a sense of the human side of this ruling, the Daily Freier spoke to the unfortunate litigants of a civil divorce as they departed the courtroom.
“When I first met Danny, everything was great.” explained a tearful Smadar R. “He seemed to really like Chris, my Lhasa Apso. But then six months after we got married he decided he wanted a chocolate lab. He said he always wanted one growing up in America. I told him that this would make Chris upset. And besides, by then it was illegal in the city to own a normal sized dog. But no. He just HAD to have a chocolate lab. And yada yada yada we’re here in divorce court.”
After Smadar’s departure, the Daily Freier was able to have some words with Danny as well. “Really?” he noted sarcastically; “She’s still going on about Chris? Did I mention that Chris has its own dog therapist? Second of all, she named her dog Chris. WTF? Like Who does that? And with her accent it was always ‘Kreees! Kreees!‘ I still hear that shit in my sleep…..Wait, did she ask anything else about me?”
In order to prevent circumvention of the law by parties that did not meet residency requirements, the Court requires extensive documentation of Tel Aviv residency. However, the Court has a number of venues to establish proof of residency to include Arnona bills, old bracelets from Biggie Z, screenshots of a blog you started and then stopped when you made Aliyah, archived questions that you asked on Secret Tel Aviv (Asking “on behalf of a friend” is also accepted), and a sworn/notarized statement from your juice guy that he saw you around a lot.
For a moment, The Daily Freier thought about writing a little about the Beit Din, but the last time we did that we got jumped by a bunch of yeshiva bochers and now we can’t go back to Tzfat any more.
Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Local resident Dan G. doesn’t like to be called a hero. But his steadfast refusal to let the current wave of terror change his way of life just might make him one. Dan is not about to let the terrorists win, and he demonstrates this by maintaining the same daily activities he has always maintained: being a complete dick to any and all he comes into contact with in this great city. The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along with Dan as he went about his day.
We met Dan outside his apartment building in the Kikar Rabin neighborhood, as he parked his car up onto the sidewalk, blocking the route for pedestrians but providing him a mere 10 meter walk to his front door. As Dan got out of the car with his dog, he described his philosophy. “The terrorists want to destroy my way of life. But I won’t let them.” explained Dan as his dog defecated on the sidewalk and we continued to walk without stopping. The Daily Freier followed Dan as he stopped by his local post office to mail a parcel. “The most important thing we can do is just maintain our routine. You know, live our life.” explained Dan as he strode past the ticket machine and several customers clutching tickets and walked right up and handed his package to a postal employee. “I just feel that this is my contribution.” said Dan as he checked the Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” and wrote some pretty inappropriate stuff on a post from an attractive Spanish girl asking for help finding a roommate. We then followed Dan to a bus stop for the Number 25 bus, as he sidestepped the line, got on the bus and kicked his feet up on the seat in front of him. The Daily Freier then followed Dan to his favorite bar where we enjoyed beers while he explained his personal code of conduct. “My philosophy is just to keep being yourself in tough times.” When the Daily Freier got back from the bathroom, Dan was gone and we ended up paying the bar tab ourselves.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.