Category: The Middle East (but not us)

Dating and Relationships, The Middle East (but not us)

Our Bestie is Newly Single!

So our A-Ma-Zing Bestie just got out of a toxic (Literally Toxic. Like, chlorine gas toxic) long-term relationship and she’s ready to meet That Special Someone. She’s a single mom in her late 40’s but can easily pass for late 30’s! Honestly, she has a weakness for tall dorky guys, so here’s your chance fellas! She loves cooking, shopping, traveling, and moving funds in increments lower than the U.S. Justice Department’s $10,000 Threshold. She’s a Leo, so you Capricorns and Virgos might be out of luck (But calling all you cute Aries guys!). Some of her Turn-Offs are Rude People, Gossip, and The Hague.

She could totally fall for a nice family-oriented Mizrahi guy or even a London guy… she still knows all the best cafes near Hampstead Heath!

Must be OK with spontaneity, like dancing in a fountain at midnight, singing karaoke (Spice Girls and anything Robbie Williams are her 90’s faves!) trying to dodge an unmarked car that’s tailing you in traffic, or relocating to a safe house with 30 minutes notice.

Serious inquiries only, no Tel Aviv f*ckboys please. Also, no Russian speakers or ophthalmologists (Sorry!)

 

 

Mossad, The Middle East (but not us), Top 10

Top Ten Signs You’re on the Wrong Helicopter

The Daily Freier joins our regional neighbors in sitting Shiva for Iran’s President Raisi, ז”ל. While stressing that Israel had like totally NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS, here at the Daily Freier we try to take Life’s Lemons and make them into the really tasty mixed drink with mint and Arak that we used to drink in the Shuk. Wait, where were we? OK…. a teaching moment…. So without further ado, behold today’s Aeronautical Safety Brief from the Daily Freier, also know as “Top Ten Signs You’re on the Wrong Helicopter“.

1. The mechanic is lubricating the rotors with grease from his Chelo Kebab.

2. The Fuel Guy says he’s with the IRGC, but you catch him snacking on Bamba and Cafe Hafuch.

3. You’re stuck in a fog bank, but the navigator keeps sexting with Nick Fuentes.

4. The Avionics Technician got his Computer Science degree from Harvard.

5. The Check-In Lady at Tehran Airport calls you “Mami” and answers her cellphone by saying “Heyoosh!”

6. The pilot only got his job because he was Ilhan Omar’s brother and/or husband.

7. You tune your headset to the Ground Control Channel but it’s playing Macklemore.

8. The pilot announces “slight turbulence” and then he says that you’re about to meet Soleimani.

9. You’re losing altitude and the guy next to you is busy scribbling 72 women’s names on a piece of paper.

10. Just before take-off, The pilot announces that he has evidence of Hillary Clinton’s corruption.

 

 

Corona Virus, The Middle East (but not us)

Corona Virus desperately seeks Vaccine against Bashar Assad

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/10/2021 at 11:00 AM

Damascus: The Middle East is reeling from news that the Corona Virus has tested positive for Bashar & Asma Assad. Apparently Mr. Corona was exposed to the Ophthalmologist/Serial Killer and his Lovely Wife some time in the last two weeks. The Daily Freier managed to do a Zoom call with Covid as he went into Bidud and desperately searched online for an available vaccine.

“This is a nightmare.” fretted Covid-19 as he bathed his hands in Purel. “Nobody has any actual information about how dangerous this entity could be to my health. I mean, the White Hats had some pretty good data, but Assad had them all killed.”

“I just don’t know how I could have better protected myself.” lamented The Rona. “I had on a mask, but Bashar crossed through that barrier like one of Obama’s Red Lines from 2012.“

The Daily Freier challenged Corona that public health-wise, perhaps he was throwing stones from a glass house, but he quickly cut us off. “Listen, I may have escaped from a Chinese Laboratory [Allegedly!- The Daily Freier Legal Department] , infected millions of people, and ruined the world economy, but I never dropped chlorine bombs on kindergartens. A little respect please.”

As the Daily Freier ended the Zoom call, Covid turned to us with one last question. “Hey, what’s the best way that I can wash Assad’s microbes off my body? Should I take a hot ba’ath?“

Start Up Nation, The Middle East (but not us)

“Better than a Saudi Consulate!” Misrad HaPnim unveils new slogan

By Mark Levy and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Derech Menachem Begin: Today the Start-Up Nation’s Ministry of the Interior revealed its new slogan: “Better than a Saudi Consulate!“, reminding its customers that despite long lines, unannounced closures, and indifferent service…… your chances of getting taken out by a Saudi hit squad are extremely low. The Daily Freier attended a press conference at their Tel Aviv office after receiving a press invite via fax.

“We are very proud of our customer service standards.” explained Ministry of the Interior spokesperson Nava K. “After negotiations between our Union and the Government broke down last week, we staged an unannounced work slowdown…. But Hey! All of our customers survived! Only in Israel!”

The Daily Freier asked Nava if, much like Israeli carrier El Al, the Ministry was perhaps suffering from low expectations. But she was insistent. “If Mr. Khashoggi had come to our office instead of the Istanbul Consulate, he would still be alive! Of course, he might not have  gotten service yet because our computer skipped the number he had taken from the kiosk…. but one should not be too picky. Welcome to Israel!”

As the Press Conference came to an end, Nava announced that the Interior Ministry has begun an Efficiency Campaign for speedier customer service….. led by experts from Israel’s High Speed Rail network.