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(photo credit: Twitter)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 2/9/2021 at 3:30 PM

Bnei Brak: Despite the ongoing lockdowns, there are still some folks out there who refuse to stop living their best life. That’s right, all of the various and evolving Corona mutations just met up for an evening of speed-dating! You see, Rabbi Haim Meir Wosner, a senior ultra-Orthodox rabbi, died on Sunday at the age of 82 from COVID-19. Thousands of mourners attended his funeral in Bnei Brak, creating the perfect forum for our friends in the Corona Mutation Community to have a “meet & greet” and just maybe meet that “special someone“. The Daily Freier was live on the scene while maintaining appropriate social distance protocols.

“I’m really looking for Mr. Right.” noted Sarah, an Olah Hadasha from South Africa. “I really want to meet a guy who has done a lot of traveling. Maybe a guy from Europe!” Sarah dropped her voice down to a conspiratorial whisper. “I don’t want to jinx myself, but I’m naming my first child “Avi Ben SARS-CoV-2 VOC 2021-2/08” if it’s a boy, and “Rachel Bat SARS-CoV-2 VOC 202012/01” if it’s a girl!“

While we were speaking to Sarah, a number of Olah Hadashot Corona Mutations from the United States seemed to be creating quite a stir. “OMG OMG did you hear that British mutation’s accent?” asked Leah from Boston. “It is SO. HOT.“

Wanting to learn more, the Daily Freier approached this very Eligible British Bachelor Corona Virus Mutation: Richard from Manchester. “I just love the atmosphere here. Even if I don’t get a date, it’s great to meet up with all my friends.” Richard scanned the room and continued. “All of the police barriers were getting in our way and preventing us from being ‘Single Ready to Mingle’, so I was really glad when the funeral guests removed them after 10,000 people showed up!” (Real World Non-Satire Alert: This Really Happened.)

Yet not everybody was so enthusiastic about the event. The Daily Freier spoke with “Melissa from Florida” who was busy trying to stop her girlfriend Sarit from making “a huge mistake” with a Corona Strain from Italy “who really gets around”.

“Uggh, there’s Yosi. Thanks but no thanks. I’m sorry, but that guy’s been with EVERY girl at my seminary. And now he just got back from doing who-knows-what in Dubai. Sarit needs to stay away from that guy.”

“But he seems NICE!” argued Sarit. “I didn’t notice anything wrong with him. He even told me his Hebrew name: Yosef Lo-Symptomati!“

As the party continued to fill up, we ran into Richard again and asked him if the police might break it all up. “Don’t worry.” he replied breezily. “Bibi said it was OK.“

UPDATE: A prominent Israeli psychic predicts that someone on Secret Jerusalem will be really really offended by this.

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 10/19/2017 at 4:00 PM

Bnai Brak: Human rights groups are in an uproar today after Israeli police used extreme measures to break up a mob blocking traffic to protest the jailing of Haredi draft dodgers. With traffic at a standstill, police took the unprecedented step of bombarding the protesters with a combination of job applications, brochures for the Nahal Haredi religious combat unit, and applications for vocational/skills training, and thus forced the rioters to flee in panic. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to get all the facts.

As police continued to disperse the mob and open lanes for traffic, on-scene Commander Mickey S. explained his team’s tactics. “So they kept running into traffic, blocking cars, and annoying our horses. We had no idea what to do. Anyway, after they called us Nazis and Shiksas for about an hour, I had an idea. It was like, I don’t know… what is the one thing that Superman hates? Kryptonite? So what if there was Kryptonite…. for work-shy professional tough guys who only act tough in big groups and when confronting lone female soldiers. And then we remembered the riots last winter. And the idea hit me: Jobs! These guys are scared to death of jobs! So we gathered up a bunch of job applications and started throwing them at the rioters. Worked like magic.”

For their part, the protesters were NOT happy. The Daily Freier caught up with one young man named Nahum as he hurried back to study (Ha Ha! Just kidding! He was smoking cigarettes and yelling at cops from a safe distance!). “This was inhuman! They acted like Nazis!” As the Daily Freier rushed to write down Nahum’s statement, he suddenly looked at our notepad. “Wait. Is that a job application? Get that away from me!”

As the rioters slowly drifted off, Nahum promised that they would return in even greater numbers tomorrow, just as soon as they checked to see if their monthly educational stipend checks arrived from the Government yet.