Tag: Donald Trump

Chanukah, The Donald, Times of Israel

The story of Chanukah as told by Donald J. Trump

800px-donald_j-_trump_at_marriott_marquis_nyc_september_7th_2016_16(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

(THIS STORY FIRST APPEARED IN THE TIMES OF ISRAEL IN 2016!)

Long time ago. Talking a real long time ago. In the Land of Israel. Boy wouldn’t it be great to buy into the real estate market back then? Wait a sec….so my son-in-law is telling me it was 2200 years ago. Jared Kushner. Smart guy. Very smart guy. I mean he married my daughter, am I right? So he’s telling me that Alexander the Great led a Greek army that came in, and everything was great for a while until it wasn’t. Sounds like Astoria in Queens, right? I’m kidding people. Greeks are great people. Great, great people. Anyway, the next king? Not so good. Antiochus. Bad hombre. Bad bad hombre. Starts telling the Jews what to do. How do you think that’s going to work out? My daughter Ivanka’s a Jew now and I can’t tell her anything! Again, kidding, people. I’ve got the best Jewish grandchildren.

So, Antiochus starts doing some strange stuff. Just real sick stuff. Like telling the Jews to go to the gymnasium and compete in sports totally naked. Just some real pervy Anthony Weiner-style stuff. You know that I had that guy figured out from the beginning? Let me tell you, Huma made the right choice. She can do much better. Much much better. Smart girl. And pretty. Long black hair. Tan. Terrific body. I mean you can tell she goes to the gym, not like some of the other fatties in the Democr…. Wait, I need to cool it a bit. Got me thinking about tic-tacs.

So Antiochus? Bad hombre. And sick. Just really sick. Tried to desecrate the Temple in Jerusalem. With pigs’ blood I hear. Just some real Podesta stuff. So how much is the Temple going for these days? Is it condo? Are there a lot of covenants written into the lease? Is it rent controlled? I gotta tell ya, Netanyahu? Super guy. Great guy. The best. But his economy? Let me ask you, how do you [CENSORED] up an economy in a country full of Jews? Am I right?

Back to the narrative. I tell the best historical narratives. Just the best. So there is this guy named Mattathias, and his sons were a bunch of tough guys. Called themselves the Maccabees. And they don’t like what Antiochus is doing. Real tough guys, these sons. I mean we’re talking Staten Island here. So they start fighting the Greeks. Wait, now my people are saying they’re Syrians. Guys, if you want me to go to my Intel briefs, can we at least get our stories straight?

So Mattathias’ top son. Judah Maccabee. Great general. Superb general. Just a fighter. He attacks the Greek Syrian elephants. Can I ask you something? What kind of an idiot puts elephants in the army? Not while I’m president, I assure you.

So the Jews win. So much winning. After a while the Jews said to the Maccabees: “Guys! Enough winning! We’re tired of winning!” And then they come back to the Temple, and the place is just a mess. A disaster. Sad. Just really sad. But you know what? They fix it up. And now they need to light that big candelabra thing. But get this: They only have enough oil for one day. You know what I say? Drill. Build a pipeline. Don’t listen to those environmental crazies. What the hell do they know? But anyway, the oil lasts a long time. Like eight days. Amazing oil. Just amazing. Terrific oil. The oil they had? The best. Just the best. Can we call it a miracle? I don’t know. I don’t make those rules. Pass me one of those delicious latke things.

Election 2016, Guest Writer Wednesday

Nursery Rhyme Characters join Post-Election Protests

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/23/2016 at 8:00 AM

London: The twin shock wins of Brexit and Apprentice host Donald Trump have produced an unexpected surge in violent protests and assaults among nursery rhyme characters.

Lazy chav Humpty Dumpty was arrested in England for racially attacking Polish construction
workers after he fell from a retaining wall, which left him unable to get disability benefits for a fractured fibula. Also arrested was an angry Little Miss Muffet for throwing her old tuffet, the only furniture she had left after IKEA relocated all its branches to Ireland.

Old Macdonald left his barren farm, together with Mary, who had to eat her little lamb or go to a food shelter, and Little Bo Peep, who did lose her entire flock …to a lousy exchange rate, to show moral support for poor Baa Baa Black Sheep. Baa had no wool left after the EU stopped its subsidies, killing off his farm and it also refused to import the three bags full that he had produced because of EU quotas applicable to Brexit Britain.

Meanwhile, Stateside, Jill was left seething after boyfriend Jack, who went to fetch her a pail of water, broke his crown but was left uninsured to see a dentist after Trump threw out Obamacare.

Over at the Spout, Itsy Bitsy Spider failed to climb it when the sun didn’t come out to dry the rain after Donald ripped up America’s pledge to curb greenhouse gases.

And having kissed all the girls and made them cry, Georgie Porgie avoided a harassment lawsuit and was given a cabinet position by Trump, in quite a turnaround for li’l Georgie. When the boys came out to play, Georgie didn’t always run away so he was forced to undergo the ‘conversion’ therapy urged (and experienced) by VP Mike-on-the-down-low Pence.

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Election 2016, Guest Writer Wednesday, The Donald

Donald & Hillary: You’re Fired

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/5/2016 at 4:30 PM

Washington: Three hundred million people stateside have been left scratching their heads as both Presidential candidates have dropped out of the U.S. election in as dramatic fashion as it started.

Like the genre of reality show that trumpeted the rise of the Donald, Republican Party leadership told him yesterday: “Donald you’re fired!” as it emerged that the pool of married women left untarnished by Donald for THEM to have affairs with was diminished. He was spotted clinging on to his toupee and golf clubs as he hurried away in a New York cab.

As the news filtered through to a glacial Hillary, she was photographed by the paparazzi, lying in an old pantsuit next to a rusty needle in the sukkah of her son-in-law, smoking a doobie and sucking the juice out of an etrog, insisting “I don’t got no fricking problem, I am gonna castrate the sumbitch.” The Daily Freier’s investigations are inconclusive if she was talking about Anthony Weiner or her husband. There was a knock on the door by men with white coats as Bill looked away, sheepishly at a glossy picture of Monica Lewinsky on the mantlepiece.

Diminished by an embarrassing Brexit, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth made the unusual foray into offering an opinion in the political arena, by bringing up the possibility of renewed British colonialism, saying: “One is happy to take back the United States on a temporary basis until sense and stability have returned, but we demand that they keep Spice Girl Mel B. Oh and Piers Morgan too.”

 

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