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“Do I have the Right of Return you this Sandwich?”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2017 at 5:00 PM

Ashdod: The International Community was in an uproar today as Greta Thunberg communicated to the Outside World from The Zionist Entity about just what sorts of torture she was being subjected to. Specifically, Ms. Thunberg has been sent to Ashdod, which is ~~worse than Afula~~ a city 40 kilometers south of Tel Aviv. We were able to speak to Greta as she juggled Zoom calls from CNN, Al Jazeera, and a visibly smitten Piers Morgan.

“OK this place sucks.” complained Ms. Thunberg as she tried in vain to find a cool place in town to get drinks tonight. “This place actually gives me FOMO for Rishon LeZion.” The Daily Freier asked Greta to describe her impression of Ashdod in one sentence. Ms. Thunberg thought for a moment, deleted 4 unread texts from Peter Beinart, and replied: “It’s like Ashkelon without the crazy nightlife.“

The Daily Freier asked Ms. Thunberg if there were any redeeming qualities to her newfound place of temporary residence. “So I was really excited when I found out about the Philistine Museum in Ashdod.” Greta noted. “But it was a total rip-off. Nothing about Marwan Barghouti, nothing about the Sinwar Brothers, nothing about Me. It was just a bunch of stupid Exhibits about some Idiots who showed up on Boats from Greece.” Ms. Thunberg looked into the distance for a moment deep in thought. “Wait a second….”

Searching for answers, The Daily Freier contacted Ashdod Municipality and spoke to a friendly lady named Sapir. “That girl complains about everything, even the sandwich she got from the IDF. I mean, it’s still better than the Food in Ben Gurion Terminal One!” The Daily Freier asked Sapir if the City has any contingency plans in case Greta continues to complain. “Normally in Ashdod, we just send our problems to Beit Shemesh on a wagon driven by Oxen.“

As the Daily Freier prepared to publish the story, we got a WhatsApp message from Ms. Thunberg asking us if we knew about “any good clubs in Modiin“.

Womens Gaza flotilla Daily Freier By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/17/2016 at 9:00 AM

Barcelona: A Women-Only “Flotilla to Gaza” has run into an unexpected problem after getting lost somewhere between Barcelona and Sardinia. The Flotilla, which set out to show Solidarity with ~~a regime that promotes Honor Killings and Polygamy~~ the women of Gaza, has been at sea for four days and according to the latest Blog entry of Bree Skyfire-Williams, one of the Ship’s four Co-Captains, they have “like no idea where they are” and “need to maybe stop another ship and ask for directions or something.” The Daily Freier was able to communicate further with the crew via What’s-App whenever they got some decent Wi-Fi.

“I think our problems started before we even got on the boat.” explained Jade, who took a month off of work from her job at the World Bank in order to participate. Jade, who was appointed to the Packing and Supply Committee, described the chain of events. “I mean our Ships’ Manifest didn’t account for everyone packing way too much stuff for the trip.” To further drive home this point, Jade showed us the packing list of Melissa from the (Fair Trade) Coffee Committee:

“A cold weather outfit, a warm weather outfit, some formal wear in case we go some place nice, a hat, boots, my laptop, Uggs, a yoga mat, yoga pants, French press, a little black dress, 5 swimsuits, hair dryer, 9 pairs of shoes, waffle iron, Crocs, coconut oil, scrunchies, my journal, crystals, ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho, a headscarf, and my rice cooker.”

Jade continued. “Now just multiply that by 20 women, and, well, we had to unload the two boxes of stuff we had for Gaza.”

The boat suffered a further delay when after stopping to ask some Moroccan fishermen how to get to “The Occupied Territories“, the fishermen directed the boat to Ceuta and Melilla.

As the ship continued to flounder lost at sea, Hanin Zoabi attempted to steer the ship “properly“, leaving some hurt feelings. Bree explained. “I just feel that Hanin’s tone was being like, really hurtful? The navigation committee worked on our planned route for like six months? And changing course is a really big step? I just think we really need to discuss this. And discuss. And discuss. And discuss.”

In a separate conversation, Laurel provided a counterpoint to Bree’s contention. “I don’t want to say that she’s jealous, but ever since I was elected to chair the meals and snacks committee, Bree has just been making some real sniping comments without actually contributing to any of the constructive dialogue.”

When Bree got wind of Laurel’s position, she replied. “I mean, this is coming from a very deep and sacred place? But I really can’t stand Laurel.”

While the Israeli Navy has demonstrated a noted sense of relief from the Flotilla’s Delay, they maintain a contingency plan: an all-Frechot boarding team consisting of Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav.

At last report, the Flotilla had diverted to Tuscany in order to go antiquing this Sunday.

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