By Mark Levy
Last Updated 11/12/2017 at 6:20 PM
Ra’anananadingdong: Israelis were frightened to their very core this week with the release of a chilling dystopian novel depicting life in a future Israel that is run by Anglo Olim. The novel, entitled “Lo Hevanti” (second choice: “Avshar Mayim?“), tells the story of an Israel in the year 2021 that is completely run by recent immigrants from the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, South Africa, and Australia. The story takes place two years after all the other Israelis got so tired of listening to Anglos tell them how much better we would run things if we were in charge…..so they all just threw up their hands and told us to have at it. And the whole balagan turns into “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy. Except with better lunch options. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier sat in on a Literary Salon in Neve Tzedek as they reviewed “Lo Hevanti” and discussed how scared they were after reading it.
The Salon’s hostess started off the conversation. “So the Anglos rule that any argument on Secret Tel Aviv that lasts longer than 10 threads must then go to the Knesset for resolution…… and then the Knesset passes a law outlawing anyone from buying or selling dogs…..it just seemed so….so…. real. Also, when they got Nefesh B’ Nefesh to amend the Basic Law so it now said that ‘Everything must be convenient.’….I couldn’t sleep that night.”
Local artist Tzvi then interjected with his scariest moment in the book. “When the entire economy breaks down after Lone Soldiers start going door to door asking for free shit to furnish their apartments….. I actually stopped answering my door for 3 days.”
“I really liked ‘Dudi’, the Sabra hero of the book.” explained Ido. “Like when he hacks into “Keep Olim in Israel”…… in order to try to keep Olim from staying in Israel.”
Finally, Florentin poet Meirav spoke up. “Hey! No spoilers! I’ve only read up to the point where the Prime Minister orders MK Tuttle-Singer to stop blogging while a motion is up for debate on the Knesset Floor.”
(Photo Credit: The Cornelia Foundation)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 3/8/2017 at 3:30 PM
Jerusalem: Israel’s women received some very unfortunate and disconcerting news today. In a controversial ruling, the Knesset mandated that starting this year, drawing six whiskers on your face with a magic marker will not constitute a real Purim costume. President Rivlin further explained the new law and its far-reaching ramifications.
“Today Israel is making a statement. Ladies, you can’t just draw some lines on your cheeks, draw a cute triangle on your nose, and call it a Purim costume. Not even if you’re kinda hot. Not even if you wear a fake cat ears headband. Not even if you wear a black bodysuit.” The President consulted with several lawmakers for a moment and then corrected himself. “OK, OK, maybe if you were a black bodysuit.”
Needless to say, reaction to the ruling among Israel’s women was swift.
“So that’s it, huh?” fumed Arielle C. “How about the guys I hang out with who have worn the same costume for 3 years. Plus Halloween. ‘Because it’s cool.‘ Lame. Oh and thanks for passing this on World Womens’ Day.”
“Well that’s just great.” groused the Daily Freier’s very own Emily Goldstein. “I don’t suppose the Knesset is going to pass a law against guys who think sunglasses and a silly hat equal a costume.”
While conducting street interviews near Dizengoff Center, the Daily Freier stopped to compliment several women for their outlandish Purim costumes, only to awkwardly change the subject when we found out that they weren’t dressed for Purim but were just from Tel Aviv.
(Photo Credit: Eurovision)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 2/15/2016 at 9:30 PM
Vancouver: The City’s Jewish Federation responded today to public outcry concerning their decision to invite controversial singer and Left Wing Activist Achinoam “Noa” Nini for their Israeli Independence Day festivities. Ms. Nini, a talented Israeli singer/songwriter, is not shy about expressing her views on how much Israeli leaders and voters totally suck. Yet while the situation has ruffled some feathers, the Federation stressed that the decision to book Noa was taken simply because Hanin Zoabi’s Spring schedule just could not accomodate a trip to Canada. Ms. Zoabi, a member of the Israeli Knesset when she is not sailing on boats with Hamas, has been busy filming a pilot for BBC, running Israel’s version of “Scared Straight” for at-risk youth, and getting suspended from the Knesset for holding a moment of silence for people who stabbed Jews. Ms Zoabi reacted with regret to the missed opportunity. “As much as I wanted to participate in Vancouver’s
Naqba Day Yom Ha’atzmaut festival, I just have too much going on.”
Vancouver Federation spokesperson David G. explained his organization’s stance. “When we saw Ms. Zoabi’s performance in Amsterdam for Kristallnacht, we were just blown away. Simply amazing how she commemorated a solemn memorial to the Holocaust by trashing Israel. So we really hoped we could book her to do a Spoken Word Poetry Slam. But unfortunately, she just had too much on her plate. It is for this reason that we booked Ms. Nini, and we are sure she will do just as well!”
For her part, Noa plans a performance that will include (Spoiler Alert!) some of her original works, plus some songs by Roger Waters.
Reaction from Israel’s political arena was swift, with Naftali Bennett declaring that since Noa is now recognized as a political expert, that he plans to release a hip-hop album. Yet at the same time, many of Noa’s fans are traveling from near and far to see her. The Daily Freier spoke to longtime fan Dickie Silverstein. “I really want to come up from Seattle for the concert, so I went on my blog to solicit donations to pay for my bus ticket and a room at the Super 8. So far I’ve raised enough money to get to Bellingham. I can’t wait!”
While Yom Ha’atzmaut 2016 is still months away, planning is already underway for Vancouver’s 2017 event. “I can’t stress enough just how long it takes to plan these events to perfection. It is for this reason that we have already set up a committee to plan next year’s event.” When the Daily Freier asked David for specifics on what they could expect, he coyly stated “All I can say is: Cat Stevens, call your agent!”
(Photo Credit: Getty Images)
By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 11/23/2015 at 11:20 PM
Jerusalem: The Knesset agreed today to begin the conscription of Haredi men, just as soon as the government gets around to knocking down Tel Aviv’s current Central Bus Station, raises the money for a new one, finds a contractor, gets all the necessary permits, and builds the new Central Bus Station. Reaction throughout the country was mixed, as leaders of the Yesh Atid and Yisrael Beiteinu Parties complained that Prime Minister Netanyahu went back on one of his promises. Likud Spokesperson Yonatan F. addressed this point today at a press conference. “This so-called ‘campaign promise’ raised by Mr. Lieberman and Mr. Bennett should really be viewed like a bowl of hummus in the refrigerator. You know, It’s got an expiration date. You can trust it for about a week. Then….. not so much.”
The Knesset today was a heated back and forth, as various possible milestones for Haredi conscription were suggested, to include “Just as soon as Abbas holds another Election”, “Just as Soon as Starbucks comes back to Israel”, and ” Right after the Post Office Clears All the Packages It’s Holding at Ben Gurion”. Likud Spokesperson Yonatan F. explained the logic; “It’s like walking and chewing gum. You really don’t want to do too many things at once.”
In a spirit of reconciliation, United Torah Judaism Spokesperson Shmuel C. stated that his party was ready to compromise. “We understand that some members of Knesset are not happy with the agreement drafted today. So we are also ready to accept a draft as soon as the temperature in Gehinnom reaches zero degrees centigrade for a sufficient time period to promote the formation of a layer of ice crystals.“