Tag: hummus

Aliyah, Hebrew

Israel admits that Hebrew Vowels are just a 50 Year Prank on Olim

Daily Freier Vowels AliyahBy Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 5/16/2016 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem, Givat Ram:  Government and Academic sources, speaking at a Conference held at the Academy of the Hebrew Language, made an astonishing admission today: that the use of Vowels in Hebrew is just one giant punk on Olim.

“Honestly, we never thought it would go on this long.” chuckled Professor Binyamin M.  “After the Six Day War, a lot of Western Olim started showing up to volunteer, and some of the Kibbutzniks thought it would be funny to tell them that there were special invisible dots and lines underneath the letters that they can’t see but that they must say. And they went along with it!  I guess the Emperor really wears no clothes.”

President Rivlin, who was on site to present an award for the best new Hebrew playwright, couldn’t contain his laughter. “It’s all a joke! Kamatz, Patach, Segol. We even wondered if we could force Olim to draw a Tic-Tac-Toe Board, so we made up the Shuruk! Good times!”

Vowels Shmowels

The Academy explained that when an Oleh does something particularly Israeli, they hold a secret ceremony and read them into the joke. Jessica, a Canadian Olah Hadashah who recently screamed at a man on an electric bicycle for 5 minutes without letting go of the 11 dogs she was walking, while eating a sandwich and keeping up with 2 Whats-App Group conversations before finally ending the argument and discreetly giving the man her phone number, explained. “So yeah, after my little “incident”, the head of Misrad HaKlita brought me to Hebrew University for the ceremony.” When the Daily Freier asked Jessica if she could describe the ceremony, she insisted that she had been sworn to secrecy. When the Daily Freier asked her if the ceremony involved hummus, she changed the subject.

J-Street

There’s a Hot New Dating Site For Jews Who Don’t Really Like Most Other Jews

JDateStreet.png(Photo Credit: Our Legal Department says this does not resemble anything at all)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/12/2015 at 11:20 AM

Washington:  The Jewish Community is abuzz over the launch of a new dating site for Jews who are uncomfortable with Israel, dislike most Israelis, can’t stand the Congregation they grew up in, hate Birthright, don’t get along with anyone in their Hillel……OK OK…. it’s a dating site for Jews who don’t really like most other Jews they meet. The site, titled “J-Date Street” was launched with grants from Billionaire George Soros, the Center for American Progress, and the New Israel Fund.  And certain segments of the Jewish community are VERY excited.

“OMG This is amazing!” noted Amanda K., a content writer at Jewish Voices for Peace.  “I met this guy through the site who seems really nice.  His avatar on the site is ‘Blumen to the Maxx’. He says he’s from a prominent Washington family too!  We have a date tomorrow night in Georgetown!  The only weird thing is he told me to bring a kaffiyyeh, Shabbat candles, and a jar of hummus….. ‘for later on that night’.  I don’t know….is that normal?”

Despite this enthusiasm, the site is running into some problems reaching its target audiences.  The Daily Freier talked to a spokesperson at Code Pink by telephone, who refused to provide a name, as this would be “an exercise in gender-identity exclusionary hegemony, reminiscent of the Zionist tactics of denying historical memory“. As the Daily Freier tried to wrap its head around that last sentence, the Spokesperson acknowledged that it would actually be nice to “meet someone new” as the writers over at Mondoweiss “just spend all day sipping cocoa in their pajamas”

Yesterday the site expanded to Israel, causing  the Blog +972 to miss several publication deadlines as their editorial staff and writers ceased all work related activity for the day and crashed their server when everyone uploaded their dating profiles at once.

JDateStreet.png