Tag: Misrad HaKlita

Aliyah, Start Up Nation

Israel admits that “Va’ad Bayit” is just a Prank Tax on Olim
Cleaned as recently as 1986!

(Based on a True Story! We changed the name of the Olim! And the dog!)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/3/2022 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv: The nation was rocked yesterday by shocking news that threatens the Zionist ethos of Aliyah to its very core. Responding to an angry email from Liami published reports, Israel’s Misrad Klita (Ministry of Absorption) admitted that the “Va’ad Bayit” does not actually exist. That’s right, the additional maintenance fees that Olim have dutifully paid each month to their Building’s “Superintendent” was just a giant prank/scam that Israelis have been playing on Olim since the 1970’s. The Daily Freier set out to get to the bottom of this disturbing story.

The Daily Freier met with recent British Oleh David S., the heroic Whistleblower who first uncovered this deception. “A woman in my Building yelled at me about all of the hair that my dog Fred was leaving in the stairwell.” David explained. “I told her that I pay 100 Shekels monthly Va’ad Bayit to my Landlord and that it’s not my problem. She stared at me for ten seconds and then told me that there is no Va’ad Bayit in the Building.” (Real World Editor’s Note: This. Really. Happened.)

In our Quest for the Truth, the Daily Freier then met with American Oleh Danny C. “Each month I get a note on my door explaining who owes Va’ad Bayit, what the money goes toward, and when the next Building meeting will take place. So on the day of the Building Meeting, I knocked on my neighbor’s door and asked where everyone else was. He looked at me like I was on drugs. I told him that according to the memo, this was where the Building Meeting was taking place. He told me that they don’t actually have meetings.” Danny stared into space for a minute and then continued. “I heard that he got in a lot of trouble for telling me the truth.” (Real World Editor’s Note: This. Also. Really. Happened.)

Finally, the Daily Freier spoke with one of the many perpetrators of the scam, Tel Aviv resident Irit M. “Every year we take the Va’ad Bayit money and have a party in HaYarkon Park with balloons and a Bouncy Castle for the kids.” Irit explained. “We wait for a day that none of the Olim in our building will be around. Sometimes we contact Misrad Klita and ask them to call the Olim in for fake ridiculous appointments about their education benefits or something.“

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we asked Irit just how this scheme was able to go on for so long. “Because you Olim are SO Gullible!” Irit chuckled.  “I bet you still think that the Hebrew language has vowels!”

Aliyah, Nefesh B' Nefesh

Nefesh B’Nefesh: Zero American Olim threatened to move back this week

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/24/2020 at 5:00 PM

Jerusalem: Today Nefesh B’Nefesh released unpredecedented news: in the past week not a single Oleh threatened to “move back to America“. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is an NGO dedicated to facilitating the Aliyah and success of Anglo Olim, a group that has earned a very unfair reputation of being a bunch of needy and entitled goofs. You see, it appears that Anglo, and especially American, Olim have a reputation for complaining. Anyhoo, for some weird reason, ZERO American Olim posted angry rants on Facebook or Aliyah Blogs about moving back this week, and nobody knows why. The Daily Freier pestered various Thought Leaders in the Olim Community until we got 500 words for our article.

First we spoke to Liami Lawrence, founder of Keep Olim in Israel, a Facebook community known for its calm discussions among Olim. “This is Amazing, and it’s all because of our incredible Counseling Services and job placement network! We finally did it!” he explained. The Daily Freier tried to argue that maybe some stuff might be happening in the United States that influenced this trend, but Liami had to cut the conversation short in order to moderate a post on Keep Olim’s Facebook page where someone was complaining about complainers and people were complaining about it.

The Daily Freier then stopped by Nefesh B’ Nefesh, and spoke to a Dati Leumi woman named Batsheva, Elisheva, or Just Sheva. “It’s all because of our A-Ma-Zing Tel Aviv Hub!  Did you know we host beer making classes? Also, once we moved all the chairs and had a Zoomba class!” The Daily Freier countered that perhaps there might be some current events affecting the plans of American Olim, but she cut us off and handed out some pamphlets for their “Go North” program.

Finally, the Daily Freier checked in at the Misrad HaKlita, but the Security Guard told us to make an Online Appointment, so we will have an update some time in late July.

The Daily Freier looks forward to the upcoming surge of new immigrants from America, thus fulfilling our Nightmare Dystopian Fantasy of an Israel completely run by Anglo Olim.

Aliyah, Start Up Nation

“He was never even banned from Keep Olim!” Israel’s fake Aliyah stories debunked

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/8//2019 at 2:00 PM

Jerusalem: This week The Times of Israel reported a mini-scandal rocking the nation: the Ministry of Absorption created make-believe Olim for their Social Media Campaigns. That’s right, the Ministry in charge of immigration had a hard time finding actual….. immigrants. Which is weird, because we’re not shy about sharing things. Such as how much better the Banking was in our country, how the country isn’t doing enough for us, and how we’d already be multi-trillionaires if we hadn’t made Aliyah. So it’s not like it would be hard to find us, seeing how Extra we can be when it comes to complaining. But apparently the Absorption Ministry wanted Olim who wouldn’t spend the whole article whining about the lack of Ziploc bags and a real Apple Store, and instead wanted something more positive. C’mon that’s nuts, right? Yet it was just these incredibly suspicious positive attitudes that first alerted the Olim Community to this shady enterprise. The Daily Freier set out to ask our fellow immigrants of the exact moment that they detected the Government’s Fake Online Olim.

“So I was reading this one profile about a guy, and it said he had a real job.” explained an Olah Hadasha named Jess. “Major Red Flag, right? So I tried to CyberStalk him and I couldn’t find any history of him getting banned from Keep Olim. That’s when I called BS. Also, none of them had ever begged me to bring a bag of their winter clothes back on my next flight from New York.”

“When the Olah from Britain said she had more than two Israeli friends? Oh Please.” scoffed a recent immigrant named Tali. “It’s just so obvious. I mean, she never even mentioned the time she tried to sell a futon on Secret Tel Aviv and got a bunch of really sketchy DM’s from Israeli guys. Plus, her name wasn’t Rachel or Sarah.”

“There was just so much lying.” complained David from Boston. “The Lone Soldier who talked about buying furniture at IKEA? They should have started small, maybe with a Lone Soldier who doesn’t mooch your groceries.”

UPDATE: The Daily Freier wants the Big Money Machers at Misrad HaKlita to know that for the right price, we will create convincingly fake Aliyah Blogs that will fool the most cynical Olim. We know how to do this. Trust us.

Aliyah, Hebrew

American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 Years

Jeff Schwartz 2

(Editor’s Note: See the video version of this article here!)

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/27/2016 at 5:45 PM

Tel Aviv, LaSalle: Today the Daily Freier shares a story of setbacks, the Triumph of the Human Spirit, and an inability to memorize basic verb forms. Now entering his 8th year in Kita Bet, Oleh Not-So-Hadash Jeff S. is still unable to pass the end of course exam, and is thus trapped inside of the Ulpan Gordon Language School in Tel Aviv.  The Daily Freier spoke with Jeff during his 10 AM break.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong” wondered Jeff.  “It just feels like I’m in some sort of rut. I mean, my Hebrew hasn’t really improved since Obama’s first Term, but then again my conversational Russian and French are really getting good!”

Despite Jeff’s failings as a student, the dedicated faculty have not given up on him. When he finally mastered Past Tense Verbs last year, the teachers threw him a party. “It was kind of like a Bar Mitzvah.” explained Ulpan Gordon’s Principal, wiping away tears. “And when he made the Bracha on the wine, he was just as illiterate as he was back in 2009.”

Unable to graduate and thus depart the premises, Jeff survives from day-to-day on the snack bar, occasional birthday cake, and emergency rations from the U.S. Embassy Citizens’ Services Section. Various Birthright tours passing through drop off messages from his family, as well as Hebrew flashcards.

The years of isolation have taken their toll on Jeff. He currently makes cultural reference from the 2000’s Decade, to include “Friendster“, “You’re Fired“, and “The OC“. He is currently unaware of Post-First Generation iPhones. His “Arrested Development” quotes are still funny though.

Jeff has become somewhat of an institution at Ulpan Gordon. His current teacher, Shirli, is in fact the daughter of his first teacher in 2009, Nava.  “B’zrat HaShem, some day my granddaughter or grandson will teach him.” mused Nava. Shirli also shared her mother’s affection for Jeff.  “He gets along really well with my family. My five-year old Uri adores him. But lately, Uri’s been expanding his vocabulary and finds their conversations somewhat limited and a bit boring.”

In addition to Jeff’s friendships with the faculty, he has managed to maintain somewhat of a social life as well. In 2010, Jeff dated, married, and got divorced from a French Olah in his class. Nava explained the situation to us. “We held the reception in the auditorium. We had soda, cake, and a slide show. It was actually quite tasteful.” In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier contacted Joane, Jeff’s ex. “I really enjoyed class with Jeff. But he was never there for me to help around the house.”  explained Joane.

Many people wonder just how this tragedy has been allowed to go on so long. The Daily Freier contacted the Misrad HaKlitah (Ministry of Absorbtion) to find out. “Normally, recent immigrants are only granted 5 months of free Hebrew lessons.” explained Uzi, from the Front Desk. “But we really just want to see where this ends up. So every 5 months we extend his benefits.  We actually have a bit of a betting pool going.” Uzi then lowered his voice to a whisper and leaned in closer to us. “By the way, just curious, but when you saw him, was he able to name all of the Hebrew Vowels yet?”

The Daily Freier then contacted Nefesh B’Nefesh to demand answers on how they allowed this situation to continue.  A Dati Leumi woman from their Jerusalem Office named BatSheva or Elisheva or JustSheva answered our phone call. “Whenever an Oleh from North America stays here more than six months without moving back, we consider this a win.  So he’s really good for our statistics.”

UPDATE: The IDF mounted a clandestine operation this evening to rescue Jeff from Ulpan Gordon, as they have a Squad Leader position in their Olah Hadashah Code Talker Unit that needs to be filled.

 

 

 

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Aliyah, Hebrew

Israel admits that Hebrew Vowels are just a 50 Year Prank on Olim

Daily Freier Vowels AliyahBy Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 5/16/2016 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem, Givat Ram:  Government and Academic sources, speaking at a Conference held at the Academy of the Hebrew Language, made an astonishing admission today: that the use of Vowels in Hebrew is just one giant punk on Olim.

“Honestly, we never thought it would go on this long.” chuckled Professor Binyamin M.  “After the Six Day War, a lot of Western Olim started showing up to volunteer, and some of the Kibbutzniks thought it would be funny to tell them that there were special invisible dots and lines underneath the letters that they can’t see but that they must say. And they went along with it!  I guess the Emperor really wears no clothes.”

President Rivlin, who was on site to present an award for the best new Hebrew playwright, couldn’t contain his laughter. “It’s all a joke! Kamatz, Patach, Segol. We even wondered if we could force Olim to draw a Tic-Tac-Toe Board, so we made up the Shuruk! Good times!”

Vowels Shmowels

The Academy explained that when an Oleh does something particularly Israeli, they hold a secret ceremony and read them into the joke. Jessica, a Canadian Olah Hadashah who recently screamed at a man on an electric bicycle for 5 minutes without letting go of the 11 dogs she was walking, while eating a sandwich and keeping up with 2 Whats-App Group conversations before finally ending the argument and discreetly giving the man her phone number, explained. “So yeah, after my little “incident”, the head of Misrad HaKlita brought me to Hebrew University for the ceremony.” When the Daily Freier asked Jessica if she could describe the ceremony, she insisted that she had been sworn to secrecy. When the Daily Freier asked her if the ceremony involved hummus, she changed the subject.