Tag: Josh Warhit

Top Al-Qaeda Operative killed in Iran while bingeing Fauda

By Josh Warhit

Last Updated 11/22/2020 at 3:30 PM

Tehran: Al-Qaeda’s second-in-command- Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah, also known as Abu Mohammed Al-Masri, met his demise in Tehran on August 7th when foreign agents gunned him down.

Published reports indicated that Al-Masri was actively planning attacks on Jewish targets, but a fax recording leaked by Israeli intelligence suggests that in the minutes leading up to his assassination, Al-Masri was watching the third season of Fauda.

Defense officials confirmed that Al-Masri can be heard arguing with fellow Al-Qaeda commanders:

I know that it is our duty to submit Jews to the lowly dhimmi status they deserve, but to be honest all I care about is finding out whether or not Doron and Hila are gonna hook up later this season. Let me finish season 3, and then we can get back to killing Jews.

The tape’s authenticity was immediately refuted by both Iran, which had been providing sanctuary for Al-Masri, and Al-Qaeda itself.

Sure, Fauda is exciting, but the idea that al-Masri took a break from his most recent plan to kill Jews is preposterous.” claimed a masked spokesman on a TikTok video put out by Al-Qaeda’s central command, which has since been removed by the platform. “We are downright offended by the notion that we’d devote a mere 98% or 99% of our energies to killing Jews. We are in fact 100% committed.”

The recording was retrieved from the scene of al-Masri’s death, along with a laptop, five empty bags of BBQ-flavored Bisli, and a Cofix cup.

Old Tel Aviv Embassy now the Trump University School of Diplomacy!

(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

By Josh Warhit

Last Updated 10/28/2020 at 10:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaYarkon Street: A 1989 agreement that foresaw a US Embassy move to Jerusalem stipulated that Israel would take custody of the old Tel Aviv location free of charge.  Yet according to published reports, the United States has backtracked, and will not hand over the prime beachfront property on HaYarkon Street.

Political commentators surmised that the United States might sell the property to the highest bidder. But sources from within the Trump Administration have revealed that Israel will in fact be granted the property on condition that it becomes the physical campus for the Trump University Graduate School of Diplomacy. President Trump explained his rationale:

This school, my school, rectifies a total real estate disaster initiated by the Bush Administration in 1989. Just like I got us out of his son’s mess in Iraq, I’m ensuring the United States makes the most of this key property holding.”

In the past two months, the Trump Administration has touted its key role in Israeli normalization deals with the United Arab Emirates, the Kingdom of Bahrain, and Sudan, and has suggested that numerous other Arab nations are purportedly interested in peace with the Jewish state.

I don’t need the credit for peace, because they’ll never give it to me, even though I definitely deserve it. The **TRUMP** School of Diplomacy will be a huge step in the quest for future peace, and no less importantly, will let the world know who is responsible for it, even though it doesn’t matter.

The graduate school will offer a Masters’ degree with optional focuses in Deal Making, Negotiating, and Winning. It will be the first institution to offer an M.A.d. (Master of Arts… of the Deal).

The **TRUMP** School of Diplomacy will be the President’s second academic center in Israel. Trump Yeshiva, the Judaic Studies Department at Trump University, is currently headquartered in one of the many haunted corridors of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station. Upon opening of the Trump School of Diplomacy, Trump Yeshiva plans to move to the Embassy complex, in the annex right next to where they’re going to be selling Trump Steaks.

Rabbanut: Under COVID, Jews must eat every last crumb of bread before Seder

“Eat 5 Jars of peanut butter by Wednesday”

By Josh Warhit

Last Updated 4/5/2020 at 4:00 PM

Jerusalem: According to Israel’s Chief Rabbis David Lau and Yitzhak Yosef, Jews should not leave their homes in order to kasher cooking utensils or burn hametz (foods deemed unkosher for Passover), which religiously observant Jews do every year the morning before the holiday. As part of the national effort to fight the spread of COVID-19, Israel’s Chief Rabbis ruled that Jews must instead gather all such products in their kitchen and eat them down to the last crumb.

In lieu of our usual traditions, eating every last bit of hametz is the only way to guarantee both a safe and kosher Passover.” said Yosef at a meeting with leaders from the Sephardic and Mizrahi communities. “Drastic times call for drastic measures.

According to Jewish law, no bread or leavened products may be eaten or kept at home during Passover. But some communities are finding this new ruling particularly difficult. Ashkenazi Jews, whose recent ancestors resided in Germany and eastern Europe, are forbidden from eating kitniyot, a term that refers to many grains and legumes. This made Rabbi Lau’s ruling particularly shocking.

Drinking all my beer and eating all my bread is one thing.” lamented Yechezkel Abelman of Jerusalem. “But there’s 4 days left before the holiday. How are my wife and I supposed to eat five kilograms of rice and wash them down with twelve cans of lentil soup?

Instead of burning hametz, we must prepare ourselves to burn calories.” explained Yaakov Litzman, Israel’s Minister of Health and follower of the Ger Hasidic Dynasty. “Those who find it difficult should soften their bread by dipping it in water.

Of course, not every religious leader is going along with the new ruling. Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky of Bnei Brak is considered a high authority in the Haredi world, and has vowed to defy the ruling.

Some believe Rabbi Kanievsky’s headstrong approach is due to core disagreements over religious interpretation. Others believe it’s because he is yet to discard five jars of extra crunchy Skippy peanut butter he has stashed in his home. No matter the reason, some of his followers were more enthusiastic about his “live-and-let’s-get-sick” approach.

In mid-March, after ordering his hundreds of thousands of followers to defy the Health Ministry’s Anti-Corona directives, he changed his mind two weeks later. “If he’s going to change his mind again, I’d rather he do it in the next day or two, so I have time to digest.” said Yoel Friedberg of Bnei Brak. “Corona or not, if I show up full to the Seder, my mother might kill me anyway.

Meanwhile, religious leaders across Israel and the Diaspora are already preparing other holidays for the impact of COVID-19. If the pandemic stretches into the fall, building a Sukkah may involve dismantling  your living room furniture for the wood.

Bibi calls on Minority Communities to march with him against Police bias

“I too am a victim of profiling.”

By Josh Warhit

Last Updated 11/26/2019 at 2:00 PM

Jerusalem: Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu spent the day reaching out to leaders in the Ethiopian and Bedouin Communities, urging them to join him in a demonstration against the Israeli Police.

When asked by community leaders why he chose now to reach out for a joint protest, Mr. Netanyahu discussed what he considers to be a natural and obvious connection between himself and Minority Communities. “For years, the establishment has been biased against me, determined to keep me down and oppressed. My advisors tell me that you and your children feel similarly, perhaps even as much as I do.

This past summer, Israelis of Ethiopian descent protested against police brutality following the killing of 18-year-old Solomon Teka by an off-duty officer, an incident seen by many as emblematic of systemic racism.

As you know, they’ve been out for me since the beginning. I’ve heard you feel the same way.” Israel’s leader told the group of head-shaking activists. “The system is biased against people like us. We need to stick together.”

Unsurprisingly, some thought the timing of this initiative was a bit…. convenient. Late last week, Prime Minister Netanyahu was formally indicted on charges of bribery, fraud, and breach of trust. In recent years, Bibi has been accused of requesting and receiving gifts in return for favors.

This protest will be about standing up together in the face of discrimination.” the Prime Minister explained to media after the event. “Ethiopian Israelis should not fear drinking champagne or enjoying the occasional cigar, nor should I. Interrogate the interrogators.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister’s office said that Netanyahu’s outreach has actually been part of his Likud platform for quite some time. “Prime Minister Netanyahu has wanted to initiate this demonstration for years, but obstacles have presented themselves time and time again. The Attorney General’s current witch hunt against him simply demonstrates his foresight.”

Supporters of the Prime Minister’s Legal Defense Fund are urged to bring their Deposit Bottles to the nearest Likud Office.