Tel Aviv, Atarim Square- The brand new Shabbes-compliant Strip Club in Atarim has opened to decidedly mixed reviews, with some clients of the club’s old set-up complaining of the changes while others appreciating the new atmosphere. The Daily Freier decided to check for ourselves what all the fuss is about.
“The mechitza really detracts from the experience.” groused longtime patron Yoel F. “And why are the dancers all wearing denim skirts over black tights?”
Despite Yoel’s misgivings, fellow patron Danny K. was enthusiastic. “The John Legend Klezmer re-mix tracks really grow on you after a while.” he noted as he finished a Reuben sandwich. “…. But why do they keep letting the schnorrers into the club?”
Club manager Ron M. described some of the challenges of the club’s transition. “When they come to inspect, the guys from the Rabbinut tend to hang around a really, really, really long time. And who gets inspected every Tuesday at 6????”
Ramat Gan: A Tel Aviv woman was involved in a serious incident today, which could have ended tragically if not for the quick thinking of alert bystanders. Local realtor Sarit F. suffered a crippling panic attack after accidentally wandering out of Tel Aviv city limits and into Ramat Gan. The Daily Freier talked to Sarit as she convalesced at Ichalov Hospital.
The first-responders credited the quick thinking of passersby for ensuring a happy outcome to this story. The Daily Freier spoke to some of these Good Samaritans at the scene. “I saw this woman just freaking out in the middle of the street” noted alert local Ronit S. “I used to live in Tel Aviv, so I know the symptoms of ‘Bubble Withdrawal’. I ran over and gave her some Cofix coffee and then called out for others to help. So a bunch of people ran over and started to walk five-abreast and speaking French while they almost knocked her down. Another woman passing by got her cell phone number and code-called her with an opportunity to invest in FOREX……..Then another guy went and peed on the sidewalk.”
In response to this near tragedy, the Tel Aviv Department of Public Safety issued a bulletin to residents listing warning signs that they may be leaving the city and to turn back immediately:
You see a grocery store that offers a wide variety of foods at reasonable prices
You stop at a coffee shop where the waitstaff view themselves as waitstaff and not as actresses, writers, or “about to launch a start-up”
Somebody is wearing a yarmulke
During work hours people are going to or from work or appear in some other way to be gainfully employed
Tel Aviv, Allenby Street– Tragedy was narrowly averted when Hamas hastily called off a plan for drones to drop hundreds of thousands of tiny business cards advertising the sex industry on Greater Tel Aviv.
“We had a very well planned out operation” said Hamas operative Abu Ismail. “We had an Iranian drone and plotted a course going out to sea from Gaza, up the coast past Occupied Jaffa, fly in at 10 feet above the water, pop up when we hit land, and drop the payload. The entire municipality’s streets would have been covered with thinly veiled advertisements for prostitution. Men, women, and children would have seen this filth. Your society would have become even more debased than it is now, no offense.”
When he learned that, in fact, the streets of Tel Aviv were already littered with such items, Abu Ismail was incredulous. “On one hand I was disappointed. Our boys trained many months for this sacred mission. On the other hand, I was kinda cheesed out. I mean, Really? Littering the streets with advertisements for the sex industry? That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.