EDITOR’S NOTE: We blacked out the name of the cat’s owner. But if you are that person, the Daily Freier wants to help you get your cat laid and will be happy to add any relevent contact info to this post. Let us know.
Yet today the site is in a bit of trouble with the Authorities. Just before Shabbat, a Ramat Gan woman wrote a post attempting to procure a female cat for her male Sphynx named “Yoda” to have sexual relations with. Now the Tel Aviv Police Department’s cyber-crimes unit is investigating this possible case of cat-pimping. The Daily Freier walked down to the police station on Dizengoff to get all the facts.
“What we are uncovering is really unprecedented.” explained a detective named Sivan. “I mean, this may be the first time anybody ever used Secret Tel Aviv to have sex. If we don’t move quickly, Secret Tel Aviv could turn into the sort of site where women ask for advice on the best skin care options in Tel Aviv and a bunch of sketchy dudes make the same perverted joke. Imagine that!”
The Daily Freier then took the time to speak to several passersby at Shuk HaCarmel about this disturbing development. “I am very worried about the direction that Secret Tel Aviv is taking recently.” explained alert local Ronit S. “I mean, at this rate, they might even open their own Sperm Bank. Wait, never mind.”
Naturally, the post was so strange that Secret Tel Aviv’s readers chose to ignore it and….. JUST KIDDING! They lost their minds! There were 80 comments before the Admins shut it down! A third of them were women (Yes. They were ALL Women) urging the owner to get Yoda’s junk “snipped”. A third of them were people trying to facilitate a cat hookup. And a third of them just stopped by to stare.
In order to get a more balanced view on this story, the Daily Freier reached out to Tel Aviv’s cat community for their opinion, which wasn’t really that difficult, because our Vaad Bayit leaves food for them outside our building and they are ALWAYS AROUND. Anyway, we spoke to a Calico named “Phoebe” who shared her opinions on this urgent topic. “So my girlfriends showed me the post because I’ve been single since June and I have to admit he was kinda cute….. but then I saw that he lives all the way out in Ramat Gan. So yeah… thanks but no thanks. I am NOT doing the Walk of Shame on the 66 Sherut.“
Ramat Gan: The police force in the same country that somehow tracked down and captured notorious Nazi Adolph Eichmann in Argentina says that it’s “like this close” to finding and investigating its first Binary Options office in Ramat Gan, a location so remote that it takes over an hour to walk there from Tel Aviv City Hall. Binary Options, which is sort of like the Stock Market except the Brokers steal all of your money every damn time more complicated, is an industry that is so low-key and hidden from view that one company posted a recruitment advertisement on Facebook with a woman dressed as a vampire, the company’s Logo, and the slogan “Predators work at night.” The Daily Freier sat down with Police spokesperson Mickey G. to learn more about some of the unique hurdles facing the police force on this case.
Ramat Gan: Israeli interpretations of traditional Western dress codes can … umm… surprise uninformed business partners or wedding guests. Fashion experts at Ramat Gan’s Shenkar College have decided to solve this problem and provide visitors with detailed explanations of how one should dress for any given occasion in Israel.
The Daily Freier met up for a late breakfast with Moran H. from the Faculty of Fashion and Design, in order to get the “word on the Derech” on this important topic for society. Moran explained some of the local nuances. “So, let’s start with smart casual: business usually black shoes, white shirts, blazers for men and knee-length skirts or dresses, blouses and closed-toe shoes for women – these are the absolute fanciest outfits most Israelis will ever ever place in their wardrobe….Especially men.” Moran rolled her eyes while mixing sucrazit into her soymilk hafuch. “You can wear those for business meetings if you want to look swanky. But smart casual in Israel includes but is not limited to tank tops, shorts, rompers and of course flip-flops!” As Moran spoke, The Daily Freier uncomfortably tried to hide our 40-shekel flip-flops that we got from the Shuk.
“Informal or business attire is rare in Israel. I guess you could wear a suit and tie to a wedding, but don’t make a fool of yourself wearing a bow-tie or Oxford shoes.” chuckled Moran as she cut into her gluten-free vegan pancakes. “For women there are much more options from your strapless summer dress with floral prints to a beaded evening gown from Allenby Street or whatever you wear to Clara on Thursday nights. And don’t forget to put a pair of flip-flops in your bag if you are going to be wearing high-heels.”
“How about Black Tie, formal wear?” queried the Daily Freier. “Do you mean tuxedos or ball dresses? Leave them for Purim!” Moran waved away dismissively.
However, the most captivating (and promising) word for new Canadian Olah Emily S. was “Alan”. In fact, Emily thought that Alan was a mysterious, powerful (and hopefully single!) Jew who owns all the bars and falafel kiosks in Tel Aviv.
“No matter where you go, everyone’s greeting is ‘Alan’ which sounds more like ‘Ahla’, but maybe that’s just the accent. Who is that guy? Where can I find him?” wondered Emily, as she kept on wandering from one bar on Dizengoff street to another, until she decided to finally “ask for a friend” on Secret Tel Aviv.
After receiving 27 unrelated questions about a bus schedule on Shabbat, 56 friend requests and 116 messages offering to “Netflix and Chill” in Kfar Saba, she found out that “Ahalan” is just a greeting, meaning “Ugh, another customer is going to eat my brains, what the heck do you want from me?” (Mandatory Spoiler Alert: It actually derives from the word for “Welcome” in Arabic. So entries in the comments section explaining our ignorance are unnecessary…..but still welcome!)
This newfound knowledge definitely didn’t make Emily’s Aliyah struggles any better and she has even started thinking of moving back to Canada. Keep Olim, Nefesh B’Neshesh and some random strangers from Allenby street have decided to help Emily, but they don’t know how. Therefore, we count on your wisdom, dear readers, to help Emily solve her dilemma.
Ramat Gan: A fast response by police aided by quick thinking bystanders prevented a potential tragedy today at Ramat Gan’s Vegan Expo. An Argentine Oleh was trapped for several hours within the Expo and was extracted safely an hour ago by a police patrol assisted by a Department Hostage Negotiation team. Natan P. is a recent immigrant who was “looking for the new Rak Basar” when he accidentally stumbled into the Vegan Expo. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get the word on the streets.
According to attendees, Natan entered the Vegan Expo and within minutes began behaving suspiciously. “I saw a guy running from stall to stall shouting gibberish.” explained alert local Ronit S. “A vendor offered him a chicken schnitzel made from vegetable protein. Then the guy yelled ‘Pollo no es carne! Pollo no es carne!’ When the vendor explained that it wasn’t actually chicken, the guy yelled ‘la milanesa de soja es un insulto a las milanesas!‘. The woman from the tabouleh stand tried to patiently explain that the entire exposition contained only sustainable vegan products for sale, but the guy just stared at her and said ‘pero aún podes tomar cerveza, no?‘ Then he ran toward the tofu vendor who tried to offer him a tofurkey leg. He snatched the tofurkey leg and tried a bite. Then he punched out the vendor, flipped over a muesli display table and ran away. As he ran out he tried to capture a pigeon, but it was too fast……I don’t know why, but weird things always seem to find me when I’m in Ramat Gan.“
Concerned citizens called the police, but by the time they arrived Natan had retreated to a stand of trees in the far corner of the Expo, built a small fire, broiled his shoe, and was busy cutting it into an improvised choripán. Police retreated after he menaced them with the frozen tofurkey leg that he had stolen from the kiosk. After roping off a perimeter, a Police hostage negotiation team communicated with Natan by bullhorn from a safe perimeter and finally lured him from the trees with a tray of kebabs and 500 grams of uncooked ribeye steak.
A visibly shaken Natan was taken to Ichalov Hospital for observations and then released to his Aunt and Uncle, who appeared to have brought a picnic basket containing an entire roast.
Ramat Gan: A Tel Aviv woman was involved in a serious incident today, which could have ended tragically if not for the quick thinking of alert bystanders. Local realtor Sarit F. suffered a crippling panic attack after accidentally wandering out of Tel Aviv city limits and into Ramat Gan. The Daily Freier talked to Sarit as she convalesced at Ichalov Hospital.
The first-responders credited the quick thinking of passersby for ensuring a happy outcome to this story. The Daily Freier spoke to some of these Good Samaritans at the scene. “I saw this woman just freaking out in the middle of the street” noted alert local Ronit S. “I used to live in Tel Aviv, so I know the symptoms of ‘Bubble Withdrawal’. I ran over and gave her some Cofix coffee and then called out for others to help. So a bunch of people ran over and started to walk five-abreast and speaking French while they almost knocked her down. Another woman passing by got her cell phone number and code-called her with an opportunity to invest in FOREX……..Then another guy went and peed on the sidewalk.”
In response to this near tragedy, the Tel Aviv Department of Public Safety issued a bulletin to residents listing warning signs that they may be leaving the city and to turn back immediately:
You see a grocery store that offers a wide variety of foods at reasonable prices
You stop at a coffee shop where the waitstaff view themselves as waitstaff and not as actresses, writers, or “about to launch a start-up”
Somebody is wearing a yarmulke
During work hours people are going to or from work or appear in some other way to be gainfully employed