(Photo Credit: The Googles)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 10/9/2015 at 12:30 PM
Khan Yunis, Gaza: The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Middle East (UNRWA) is in turmoil today after published reports revealed that one of their own maintains a Facebook page with absolutely no pictures of Hitler, Jews being hunted down, nor of religious Jews being run over with a car. Fares A., a mathematics teacher at Sayyid Qutb Elementary School in Khan Yunis, maintains a Facebook profile containing strictly pictures of his family, pictures of himself in front of somebody else’s Ferrari, a picture posted by his high school sweetheart (whom his wife can’t stand) of the two of them together in the early 1990’s, and pictures of what appears to be an outdoor barbecue event with particularly tasty lamb.
Fares’s fellow teachers at Sayyid Qutb Elementary were in a state of shock today. “You think you know a guy, and then, bang, this happens.” stated a disheartened History Teacher Hassan M. ” I mean, he’s been to my house, we talk football…..I guess next time I will be more careful with my friendships.” Geography teacher Layla R. was equally upset. “This man has tarnished the dignity of Gaza. This is even worse than when the Mossad kidnapped our Bumblebee.”
UNRWA’s spokesman Chris Gunness appeared at a hastily prepared press conference to address the growing scandal. “We take this accusation very seriously and we will investigate it as soon as we finish investigating the finances of a blog that criticizes us.“
As this article went to press, reports emerged that Fares was desperately posting his latest scores for the game Naqbaville on his Facebook page in an attempt to salvage his family’s honor.
(Photo Credit: Jerusalem Post)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 10/8/2015 at 5:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Basel: The workers at your neighborhood post office are pretty much on the same page in the belief that you haven’t done enough yet to earn the package of books, peanut butter, and Toms of Maine toothpaste that your mom sent you from America last month. The saga started last week when you received a notice in your mailbox that a package was waiting for you at the post office. When you went there to pick it up, things got interesting…
You (chipper and optimistic): Hi! I’m here to pick up a package waiting for me!
Employee (Motti?): What makes you think you have a package here?
You: (Holding up your notice with hope): Well I have this slip of paper, and I….
Motti: Oh, that could mean anything.
So Motti checked in the back and couldn’t find anything. But he told you to send a fax to the customs office at the airport. “Wait“, you’re saying. “A FAX? People still use faxes? Why? to send a message to 1992?”
Motti (deadpan): Welcome to Israel.
So you faxed the airport, and interestingly enough, got a fax back. No package at the airport. So you take your new fax back to the post office. Motti looks at the fax. Looks at you. Looks back at the fax, then walks into the back room. You’re not sure what he’s doing but he starts talking to the woman who usually works at the front counter. Your Hebrew sucks, but you’re picking up parts of it. One thing you picked up: This is NOT your day. So now the lady from the front desk (Rivka?) comes to talk to you.
Rivka (suspicious): So you’re Sharon Levy?
Rivka: But they sent the package to Sharon Levy. She lives in Rishon LeTziyon.
So now there is a nice lady in Rishon LeTziyon making peanut butter sandwiches and brushing her teeth in an environmentally conscious way.
You: But it’s MY package!
Rivka You both have the same name. You two should really work this out.
And you have to admit, she’s making some very good points.
(Photo Credit: The Beeb)
The North Atlantic, 1912: Iceberg suffers severe structural damage following encounter with large boat. Something bad happened to the people on the boat as well.
Sarajevo, 1914: Austro-Hungarian police severely manhandle Serbian man following tragic death of Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife while driving.
New Jersey, 1938: Several tons of expensive hydrogen gas lost as the Airship Hindenburg explodes. Some people died too.
Pearl Harbor, 1941: Americans fire upon Japanese pilots, killing dozens. And the USS Arizona sinks along with its crew during current cycle of violence.
Dallas, 1963: Texas Book Depository suffers a break-in. Yada, yada, yada, President Kennedy dies.
Tehran, 1979: In serious breach of diplomatic protocol, United States Embassy personnel rudely reject Persian hospitality.
Beijing, 1989: Anti-government extremist disrupts traffic following altercation in Tiananmen Square. Rumor has it that some students died there too.
Los Angeles 1994: Popular football player OJ Simpson’s gloves are completely ruined. Also his ex-wife and her boyfriend are dead.
Washington, 1998: Intern performs sex act in the White House, damages new blue dress and premium cigar. President Clinton deeply and personally affected by incident.
Pakistan, 2011: During late-night home invasion, Americans with assault rifles kill visiting Saudi philosopher who was quiet and kept to himself.
Jerusa….Wait….this piece is satire, but you guys actually wrote this. Our bad. Honest mistake.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/3/2015 at 7:30 PM
Jerusalem: The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Middle East (UNRWA) has created a hot new version of the popular Facebook game Farmville. The new game, “Naqbaville” was designed so that UNRWA’s teachers and other employees have something to do on Facebook when they are not posting over the top cartoons portraying Jews in not-so-nice ways. The Daily Freier caught up with UNRWA Spokesman Chris Gunness, who took us to the UNRWA Game Design Center to look at an exciting online Naqbaville tournament in progress.
“So you’ll see that Player One just lost a turn. It appears that a swarthy hooked-nosed man with sidelocks poisoned his well water at night. So Player One will have to sit out this round“. Mr. Gunness then turned his attention to Player Two: “Oh no! There’s a Jew hiding in his fields, but don’t worry, the trees and rocks call will call out to him: ‘Brother, there’s a Jew behind me, come and kill him!’ . Chris noted the efforts UNRWA made to ensure the game’s authenticity. “We actually pulled that last quote right out of the Hamas Charter; it took our legal team a day or two for permission, but we promised them free copies of the game and it was totally chill.”
While the game has just hit the streets, Mr. Gunness is confident of its success “Naqbaville is not yet really big, but pretty soon we expect it to really just explode…..The game I mean.”
Despite the initial excitement, there has been some dispute from a few disgruntled customers who felt the game wasn’t quite violent enough against Jews. Yet at this point UNRWA cannot provide refunds. ”Unfortunately all sales are final. You don’t have a right of return.” Chris then paused for a moment in thought and added “……of this product.”
Despite being a very helpful and gracious host, Mr. Gunness made absolutely zero effort in helping The Daily Freier to become the official satirists for Hamas.