By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 10/15//2015 at 12:30 PM
Jerusalem: During telephone calls described by sources as “tense” and “frank”, U.S. Secretary of State Kerry issued an ultimatum to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority President Abbas: If there is no significant reduction in violence by Friday, that the three of them and their respective staffs will spend the weekend discussing Secretary Kerry’s week-long yacht trip to Martha’s Vineyard this August. “We may discuss the yacht trip itself. I may need a couple of hours to explain the subtle nuances of the wind around Cape Cod. Will definitely touch on the time I ran into Joan Baez in Hyannis. I may even need to provide a complete analysis as to which bistro on the island Teresa and I like the best. Really, the sky’s the limit.”
Reaction to this threat was swift, with Israel’s Cabinet meeting in an emergency session. The Daily Freier was able to speak to a visibly distraught Minister Yaakov Litzman after the meeting. “I fear nothing but HaShem. Well…..HaShem and Secretary Kerry’s anecdotes about the Red Sox in the ’70’s.” Concern was equally high on the Palestinian side,with an alarmed Hanan Ashrawi telling the Daily Freier about her fears for the meeting. “I studied French at school……and Mister Kerry knows this…….if he wants to switch to French during the conversation, everybody knows who will pay the price: me.”
(Photo Credit: Vandelay Industries)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 10/14//2015 at 12:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: In a hastily called emergency session, the Tel Aviv Municipal Council of Guys opted to respond to the current security situation by naming “Let me Walk You Home, It’s Dangerous” as the city’s top cheesy pickup line. Spokesperson Tal H. explained the change at a press conference following the meeting. “In peacetime, it’s perfectly alright to say ‘Come up for a cup of coffee‘ or ‘I know the best hummus place‘, but these are difficult times.” In addition, Tal urged members of the Council to utilize the following banter while running game: “You can feel the tension in the air. Maybe it’s time we go home”, or “Let’s stay in tonight. It’s dangerous“. Tal conceded that “I was in the IDF” is still an acceptable line, but only on or around Birthright tours.
The new campaign, while promising, has seen decidedly mixed results, with a posting by one “Tal H.” to the popular forum Secret Tel Aviv asking the following question: “What is the easiest way to get pepper spray out of your chest hair? Asking for a friend.”
(Photo Credit: The Googles)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 10/9/2015 at 12:30 PM
Khan Yunis, Gaza: The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Middle East (UNRWA) is in turmoil today after published reports revealed that one of their own maintains a Facebook page with absolutely no pictures of Hitler, Jews being hunted down, nor of religious Jews being run over with a car. Fares A., a mathematics teacher at Sayyid Qutb Elementary School in Khan Yunis, maintains a Facebook profile containing strictly pictures of his family, pictures of himself in front of somebody else’s Ferrari, a picture posted by his high school sweetheart (whom his wife can’t stand) of the two of them together in the early 1990’s, and pictures of what appears to be an outdoor barbecue event with particularly tasty lamb.
Fares’s fellow teachers at Sayyid Qutb Elementary were in a state of shock today. “You think you know a guy, and then, bang, this happens.” stated a disheartened History Teacher Hassan M. ” I mean, he’s been to my house, we talk football…..I guess next time I will be more careful with my friendships.” Geography teacher Layla R. was equally upset. “This man has tarnished the dignity of Gaza. This is even worse than when the Mossad kidnapped our Bumblebee.”
UNRWA’s spokesman Chris Gunness appeared at a hastily prepared press conference to address the growing scandal. “We take this accusation very seriously and we will investigate it as soon as we finish investigating the finances of a blog that criticizes us.“
As this article went to press, reports emerged that Fares was desperately posting his latest scores for the game Naqbaville on his Facebook page in an attempt to salvage his family’s honor.
(Photo Credit: Jerusalem Post)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 10/8/2015 at 5:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Basel: The workers at your neighborhood post office are pretty much on the same page in the belief that you haven’t done enough yet to earn the package of books, peanut butter, and Toms of Maine toothpaste that your mom sent you from America last month. The saga started last week when you received a notice in your mailbox that a package was waiting for you at the post office. When you went there to pick it up, things got interesting…
You (chipper and optimistic): Hi! I’m here to pick up a package waiting for me!
Employee (Motti?): What makes you think you have a package here?
You: (Holding up your notice with hope): Well I have this slip of paper, and I….
Motti: Oh, that could mean anything.
So Motti checked in the back and couldn’t find anything. But he told you to send a fax to the customs office at the airport. “Wait“, you’re saying. “A FAX? People still use faxes? Why? to send a message to 1992?”
Motti (deadpan): Welcome to Israel.
So you faxed the airport, and interestingly enough, got a fax back. No package at the airport. So you take your new fax back to the post office. Motti looks at the fax. Looks at you. Looks back at the fax, then walks into the back room. You’re not sure what he’s doing but he starts talking to the woman who usually works at the front counter. Your Hebrew sucks, but you’re picking up parts of it. One thing you picked up: This is NOT your day. So now the lady from the front desk (Rivka?) comes to talk to you.
Rivka (suspicious): So you’re Sharon Levy?
Rivka: But they sent the package to Sharon Levy. She lives in Rishon LeTziyon.
So now there is a nice lady in Rishon LeTziyon making peanut butter sandwiches and brushing her teeth in an environmentally conscious way.
You: But it’s MY package!
Rivka You both have the same name. You two should really work this out.
And you have to admit, she’s making some very good points.
(Photo Credit: The Beeb)
The North Atlantic, 1912: Iceberg suffers severe structural damage following encounter with large boat. Something bad happened to the people on the boat as well.
Sarajevo, 1914: Austro-Hungarian police severely manhandle Serbian man following tragic death of Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife while driving.
New Jersey, 1938: Several tons of expensive hydrogen gas lost as the Airship Hindenburg explodes. Some people died too.
Pearl Harbor, 1941: Americans fire upon Japanese pilots, killing dozens. And the USS Arizona sinks along with its crew during current cycle of violence.
Dallas, 1963: Texas Book Depository suffers a break-in. Yada, yada, yada, President Kennedy dies.
Tehran, 1979: In serious breach of diplomatic protocol, United States Embassy personnel rudely reject Persian hospitality.
Beijing, 1989: Anti-government extremist disrupts traffic following altercation in Tiananmen Square. Rumor has it that some students died there too.
Los Angeles 1994: Popular football player OJ Simpson’s gloves are completely ruined. Also his ex-wife and her boyfriend are dead.
Washington, 1998: Intern performs sex act in the White House, damages new blue dress and premium cigar. President Clinton deeply and personally affected by incident.
Pakistan, 2011: During late-night home invasion, Americans with assault rifles kill visiting Saudi philosopher who was quiet and kept to himself.
Jerusa….Wait….this piece is satire, but you guys actually wrote this. Our bad. Honest mistake.