Tag: Sheinkin

2023 Israel-Hamas War, The Israel Barbie Collection

Israeli Barbie: Wartime Edition!

Recently many of you have confronted the writers of the Daily Freier as we went about our business in Tel Aviv with an urgent question: how are the members of our Israel Barbie Collection dealing with the war? As we have a certain civic sense of duty to our fellow citizens, we assigned our Lifestyle Reporter Roxy Cruz to answer your pressing questions. So behold: The Israeli Barbie Collection: Wartime Edition!

Ken Ofir HaHatir got exposed for lying about his age because he is not in Miluim (reserve duty) as he is 45 years old, not 36 as he claims. Therefore he is now telling women that he’s not in Miluim because he was injured in the last war. But he is available for them in case they get scared and need emotional support in these difficult times. At short notice, he can come visit with a bottle of Yarden wine and a shoulder to cry on.

Barbie Debra Taglit still thinks it’s a mistake that the Mossad never recruited her for the skills she acquired working at a Miami mall. Debra understood that the noise of the bombs were bad for her cat, Mimi, so she took a flight out of Israel (but left the cat with her neighbor). She’s currently encouraging our soldiers to be brave against Hamas/working non-stop on her Instagram from her parents’ house in Boca Raton.

Barbie Jennifer Israeli Spouse and Ken Yuval Melech HaShuk are currently running 5 minutes from their home in Yafo to the nearest miklat. Yuval is keeping busy making mandalas from seashells and composing songs to clean the vibes with Gaza.

Barbie Sigalit is starting a new business selling incense and aromatherapy. She would like to provide her healing services to people affected by the war, but she needs to get licensed as a therapist. She thinks that this is “Totally BS”, so she is now just burning incense and singing mantras in Sanskrit that she found on YouTube.


Barbie Meirav  would rather die from a rocket hitting her Sheinkin Street apartment than go to the bunker where she might meet her ex-husband, Ken Dudi, his 24 year old Ukrainian model fiancee, Barbie Alina, and all the leftist neighbors she called traitors a few weeks ago before their husbands got recalled to the Reserves for the war.


Barbie Danit is currently under high doses of Xanax. Her kids are at home and the siren barely rings in Ramat Aviv, but she is (secretly) worried about Ken Ofir HaHatir. Ken Uri the Startup guy is secretly expecting a baby from his side chick and will soon divorce her and move to Portugal.

 

Guest Writer Wednesday, Pesach

Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: Are You There G-D? It’s Me, Elijah

Elijah-Seinfeld-620x310By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 3/30/2016 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv:  Police are looking into the strange appearance of a drunken man in downtown Tel Aviv claiming to be the prophet Elijah. With just three weeks to go to Passover, detectives are puzzled by the man apparently called Eliyahu, who seems to be off his head on Kedem wine.

“He was screaming that his father was Avi Koman and that he was the real deal but we have seen it all here.” pointed out Police Superintendent Nadav B. “One year, some guy was arrested inside a giant chocolate egg claiming to be Roger Rabbit. There is a lot of wine flowing this time of year and we have just finished Purim. It could be part of a long, lingering national hangover.”

What remains a mystery is that he was spotted going door to door near Rothschild Boulevard by Jehovah’s Witnesses (who initially thought he was one of their own) wearing only a white sheet from the Sheraton Hotel and hiking sandals. While the Jehovah’s Witnesses  were busy pestering people spreading the good word outside  the AM/PM Market, ‘Elijah’ was seen stumbling around front gardens, knocking stray cats off trash cans and pressed up against kitchen windows asking for extra eggs in salt water.

One neighbour on Sheinkin Street said: “It’s usually very gentrified around here. Occasionally you’d get a protest about the cost of soya milk, but there aren’t often disturbances. But this guy was screaming, ‘I’ll give you a plague of frogs, let me in, I’m Elijah! I’ve got locusts, crabs, everything.‘ Weird.”

After he started squeezing tomato ketchup packets onto doorposts, horrified locals called the police. Briefly questioned, he was then admitted to the rehabilitation ward at Ichilov hospital pending DNA tests. He is currently sharing a padded room next to a middle age man claiming to be a reincarnated Queen Esther, a pair of twins alleging they survived on Noah’s Ark, and a disciple threatening to spill the beans on the real Mary Magdalene.

+972, Haaretz

+972: Because Haaretz is Just Too Darn Right-Wing!

972

(Photo Credit: +972 in the Hizzouse!)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 3/20/2016 at 7:50 PM

Tel Aviv: For those of you who don’t know the word on the street, there is a hip source of news for those times when Haaretz is acting just a bit too (!!Trigger Warning!!) Likud/Neocon/Naftali. And that news source has a name: +972.  The Daily Freier checked out the scene by peeking into some select coffee shops along Sheinkin and Florentin to find out just what the hoopla is all about!

“I was just so tired of Haaretz’ failure to describe Hezbollah as a self-defense organization.” explained Bikram Yoga instructor Dalia C. “Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Haaretz’s Arts and Culture beat. I mean, the guy running around the stage with the flag in his ass was A-MA-ZING, butt however, their politics were just a bit too Bibi for me.”

Local artisan bike repairman Avi M. had similar gripes. “As much as I enjoy reading Amira Hass explain that throwing rocks at Jews is a form of self-expression, she can’t carry the paper by herself.  I just really want to read a blog that’s so nuts it could be my Poli-Sci Professor.  Plus, there’s just something special about a collective who make their money hustling European Left Wing NGO’s for donations.  I mean, basically it’s a financial quid pro quo involving doing  jobs your fellow countrymen won’t touch in order to get money from rich American donors….I guess that makes them the Donald Trump’s wives of Israeli commentary.”

“When I’m looking for something to read in the afternoon, what I’m really looking for is somebody defending ‘Breaking the Silence’ when they move from whistleblowing to compromising national security.”  explained food co-op manager Adi P. “And frankly, Haaretz is just coming up a bit short.”

With all the buzz on the streets, +972’s popularity has not gone unnoticed. Today Tel Aviv University announced plans to bring the Blog into the Research and Development arena of its Medical School.