Tag: Lone Soldier

In ultra-real scenario, Japan’s IDF Cosplayer asks for free couch “as a Lone Soldier”

(photo credit: Instagram)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/6/2019 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv: In a scenario described by IDF veterans as “shockingly realistic” and “haunting“, the IDF Cosplayer from Japan just went onto Social Media to ask for free stuff. Siggchi is a Japanese college student who dresses up like a Lieutenant in the IDF’s Kfir Brigade and has become somewhat of a minor celebrity here in Israel. As for mooching free stuff, Lone Soldiers in the IDF have a reputation of being, umm…. frugal. In addition, Lone Soldiers are not shy about asking for stuff from the General Public. So it just made sense that Siggchi would take his cosplaying “to the next level” and start mooching free shit like a True Chayal Boded. The Daily Freier talked to several Lone Soldiers to get the rest of the story.

When Siggchi asked for a PlayStation on Secret Tel Aviv, I mean, it just felt like I was back in the Paratroopers….. it was that real.” explained former Lone Soldier Jered B. “Hey, are you going to finish that Shawarma or what?

This guy Siggchi is for real.” enthused Armored Corps veteran Doron S. “I mean, he takes all his meals for free in the Lone Soldier Center over by Nordau.” Doron lowered his voice to a whisper. “My friends say that once he finishes his pretend-IDF service, he’s taking a pretend-backpacking trip to India.”

Yet it’s not only Siggchi’s Lone Soldier-caliber freebie detection skills that has impressed the veteran community. “He speaks better Hebrew than most of the Anglo Olim in my old unit.” noted Linda D. “Hey, do you think he also lies his ass off about his job when he hits on Taglit girls?

When asked for a response to Sigcchi’s cosplay, an IDF spokesperson said, “I’m not doing this.” (Note: THIS REALLY HAPPENED).

UPDATE: As the Daily Freier went to print, we learned that Sigcchi intended to switch units and was now inhaling magic marker fumes “to feel more like a Golani“.

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IDF paralyzed after Iran floods Secret Tel Aviv with fake “Free to a Lone Soldier” posts

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/9/2018 at 4:20 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Headquarters is currently in crisis mode as hundreds of critical installations across the country remain unmanned following an Iranian cyber-attack. The attack took the form of several thousand fake posts on the popular Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” offering a wealth of items “free to a Lone Soldier”. The Daily Freier attended a hastily put-together News Conference at their Tel Aviv Headquarters.

The current condition is critical. This is worse than the time Hamas catfished us with fake profiles of hot Israeli women. explained IDF Spokesperson Major Guy C. “Every Lone Soldier is currently away from their Duty Station, running around Greater Tel Aviv trying to score their free PlayStation, coffee tables, Televisions, refrigerators and futons.  This attack affected hundreds of soldiers. Oh and also a robot from the Bomb Squad.”

To make matters worse, the Lone Soldiers temporarily crashed the Secret Tel Aviv server while posting hundreds of requests for the free use of a vehicle in order to go pick up the make-believe free stuff they believed they were getting, temporarily depriving the City of crowd-sourced relationship advice, amateur insect identification, and people selling MidBurn tickets.

Yet while the IDF truly faces a crisis, the Daily Freier wanted to reach out to the Chayal Boded Community and find out just how they were affected by this giant balagan on a personal level. An American Lone Soldier named ‘Danny’ described his pain. “When I found out someone was giving away old PS3 games, I dropped everything and hitchhiked from my base in the Golan to Givatayim.” The Daily Freier asked Danny how he felt about Iran’s trickery. “Honestly, I feel betrayed. I mean, I didn’t even get any free games.” Danny then abruptly got up from his chair and moved quickly to the door. “Hey, sorry but I gotta go. A woman on Ibn Gavriol says she’s moving back to the UK and giving away a guitar, yoga mat, ramen noodles, and a coffee pot. And I need to move fast.

 

 

 

 

IDF Bomb Squad Robot just asked for free stuff on Secret Tel Aviv as a “Lone Soldier”

Daily FreierBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/25/2018 at 6:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Allenby: A robot from the Israel Defense Force’s Explosive Ordnance Demolition (EOD) unit has just posted on the popular Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” asking for a lot of free stuff ”because he’s a Lone Soldier“. Lone Soldiers, or those who come to Israel to serve in the IDF without their family, tend to get a bit of help from the Community. But some guys take the whole thing a bit far. The Daily Freier spoke with the robot, known to his friends as “Udi”, in a cafe on Dizengoff Street as he enjoyed a well-deserved 48 Hour Pass with friends.

Look, I don’t want to be pushy.” explained Udi. “So I just asked for some pots & pans, a bed-frame, a bicycle, a washing machine, some furniture, a Playstation, and an espresso maker. Oh yeah, and a hat. I definitely need a hat.

While the idea of a robot posting online might strike some as being bizarre, Secret Tel Aviv appears to have accepted Udi as one of their own. “Udi has adjusted well to our community.” explained Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark. “In fact, last week some of his female robot friends submitted his photo to our site in an attempt to do a bit of amateur matchmaking ‘because he’s a really nice guy‘. Also just this morning, he joined a post concerning a used futon for sale and within 5 minutes someone had already accused him of hating Israel. Finally, he submitted a question about how to get medical marijuana without a doctor’s prescription, but added ‘asking for a friend‘ to the end of the post. You know, normal Secret Tel Aviv stuff.

If all goes well, Udi plans to use the donated items to decorate the apartment that he shares with some of his friends from the Army to include Boaz the Giant Cloud, the soldier from your Taglit trip who actually didn’t try to sleep with you, a talking dog from the K-9 Unit, and a member of the Olah Hadashah Code-Talker Unit.

Update: In late breaking news, Udi the robot has just sent a sleazy Direct Message to the apartment-hunting Norwegian woman on Secret Tel Aviv who somehow thought it would be a good idea to add a selfie to her post.

Dystopian Novel depicts a nightmare future Israel run by Anglo Olim

Dystopia Anglo OlimBy Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/12/2017 at 6:20 PM

Ra’anananadingdong: Israelis were frightened to their very core this week with the release of a chilling dystopian novel depicting life in a future Israel that is run by Anglo Olim. The novel, entitled “Lo Hevanti” (second choice: “Avshar Mayim?“), tells the story of an Israel in the year 2021 that is completely run by recent immigrants from the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, South Africa, and Australia. The story takes place two years after all the other Israelis got so tired of listening to Anglos tell them how much better we would run things if we were in charge…..that they all just threw up their hands and told us to have at it. And the whole balagan turns into “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy. Except with better lunch options. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier sat in on a Literary Salon in Neve Tzedek as they reviewed “Lo Hevanti” and discussed how scared they were after reading it.

The Salon’s hostess started off the conversation. “So the Anglos rule that any argument on Secret Tel Aviv that lasts longer than 10 threads must then go to the Knesset for resolution…… and then the Knesset passes a law outlawing anyone from buying or selling dogs…..it just seemed so….so…. real.  Also, when they got Nefesh B’ Nefesh to amend the Basic Law so it now said that ‘Everything must be convenient.’….I couldn’t sleep that night.”

Local artist Tzvi then interjected with his scariest moment in the book. “When the entire economy breaks down after Lone Soldiers start going door to door asking for free shit to furnish their apartments….. I actually stopped answering my door for 3 days.

“I really liked ‘Dudi’, the Sabra hero of the book.” explained Ido. “Like when he hacks into “Keep Olim in Israel”…… in order to try to keep Olim from staying in Israel.

Finally, Florentin poet Meirav spoke up. “Hey! No spoilers! I’ve only read up to the point where the Prime Minister orders MK Tuttle-Singer to stop blogging while a motion is up for debate on the Knesset Floor.”

 

 

Philadelphia man celebrates 6th year of being “just about to make Aliyah”

Philadelphia man celebrates 6th year of "just about to make Aliyah" Daily FreierBy Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/28/2017 at 3:30 PM

Bucks County, Pennsylvania: With Yom Haatzmaut (Israeli Independence Day) right around the corner, Israelis are celebrating another milestone: the 6th Anniversary of Philadelphia-area resident Jeremy S. being “just about to make Aliyah“. Jeremy, a 29-year-old technical writer and musician, has been “like almost ready” to make the return to Zion since attending a Matisyahu concert in April of 2011 “that like really changed the way I look at life“. The Daily Freier spoke with Jeremy about his on-again/off-again longing for Eretz Yisrael.

“So I’m still like super-stoked to do this.” Jeremy explained, as he ate lunch at a hummus place near Cherry Hill. “But at first it was like, Wait. The Army??? I don’t want to peel potatoes for three years. Maybe if I was promised Intelligence or something. But then there’s my Hebrew. And Ulpan just seems super hard and not really like focused on my needs, you know? Like my friend says it’s full of the French and Ukrainians. So maybe when a lot of Americans start to make Aliyah it will be better for me? I would even do a class with some Canadians.

Jeremy is already on his 3rd Aliyah Counselor, with his first Aliyah counselor rapidly approaching mandatory retirement age. Additionally, half of the people in his original planned Aliyah group have already integrated into society and become so Israeli that in the Spring of 2015 they moved to Berlin for economic reasons.

Jeremy’s Rabbi in suburban Philly has so far written six letters to the Israeli Government attesting to Jeremy’s membership in the Covenant of Abraham. Rabbi Stanley Green, of Congregation Agudath Israel, has become so exasperated with the process that for the latest request he simply took a sheet of Synagogue letterhead and scrawled with a pen “Not again! He’s still Jewish!

Jeremy’s gutsy almost-decision has affected his family as well. His mom Linda joined us via Skype after we helped explain “what all of the buttons on the computer do” and shared her concerns. “As a parent, you never stop worrying about your kids.” Linda explained. “So with the crazy situation over there in the Middle East, and Jeremy almost sort of moving there, well you can imagine my almost sort of anxiety. I’m just concerned that if Matisyahu’s band or those nice girls in A-WA tour the East Coast again this Summer, that Jeremy might take the next step and schedule another Aliyah appointment in Manhattan with Nefesh B’Nefesh. But I’m pretty sure Nefesh started screening his calls some time in 2014.”

Reaction to Jeremy’s slow-motion-Aliyah within the Greater Tel Aviv Community have been rather mixed. North Tel Aviv resident Mark S. explained. “So he subletted my apartment in July 2015 because he was ‘this close‘ to moving here for good.  And at the end he asked if he could leave a bag in my apartment because he was ‘like definitely making Aliyah after the High Holidays.‘ I guess the joke is on me because he didn’t specify the exact year of the High Holidays after which he would make Aliyah. Also I checked the bag last week and it contains parts of a tent, a tea set, a pair of drawstring linen trousers, some old vitamins, and spices from the Shuk.”

While Jeremy remains on the fence in terms of Aliyah, he has not allowed his cold feet to limit his social activism on behalf of the Almost Maybe Possible Future Olim Community. He started a Facebook group called “Keep Almost Olim Almost in Israel” dedicated to the unique needs and issues facing Almost Olim, to include the lack of support provided by Nefesh B’Nefesh for those who have been about to make Aliyah since Obama’s first term. Jeremy is also contemplating going onto Secret Tel Aviv and asking for future free stuff for when he becomes a Lone Soldier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mystical protective Cloud on the Golan already planning his post-IDF trip to India

(Photo Credit: Youtube)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/10/2016 at 1:30 PM

Golan Heights, Israel (Sorry Bashar): The mysterious dark pillar of clouds that stood between an IDF patrol and ISIS on the Golan Heights last week already has big plans for what’s he’s going to do after the army. The vertical cumulus cloud, named ‘Boaz’, said he is ‘counting down the days‘ until the end of his enlistment, at which point he and some of his army buddies plan to go on a 3 month trip to India and Nepal that he says “is going to be sick“, “really crazy” and “just out of control“. Boaz, who comes from a family of storm clouds from outside of Israel and therefore qualifies as a Chayal Boded or “Lone soldier”, finishes his enlistment next May. The Daily Freier Caught up with Boaz on Thursday night at a bar on Dizengoff street as he enjoyed a weekend pass with a few of the guys from his unit.

Boaz told us that they chose this particular bar on Dizengoff “because one of the guys in my squad said he had a bit of luck here“. When we arrived, Boaz and his buddies spotted several women from a “MASA” exchange program sitting by themselves and they quickly introduced themselves and sat down at their table. Soon, Boaz stretched out, exhaled, leaned back in his chair and nonchalantly wrapped his cloud arms behind the back of two young women as he told them stories about his Army duty and how just this week he “like saved my entire platoon from ISIS“.

Later, Boaz admitted that while he is getting a lot of credit for last week’s encounter, he has also gotten in some trouble during his enlistment. Last year, he received non-judicial punishment from his company commander after a prank he played against the Mossad Spy Vulture went horribly wrong. “That bird is just an idiot. So I created an updraft of hot air while he was flying. Unfortunately, that accidentally forced him into Lebanese air space where he was captured. Last I checked he was home free and had joined ‘Breaking the Silence‘ or something. And I got 30 days confined to base.”

While Boaz can’t get out of the army fast enough, he also mentioned that after India he may want to go back to school, get a meteorology degree, and come back as a weather officer. “I don’t think they can say no. I mean I don’t just know about weather. I AM weather.

But for now, Boaz just wants to dream about what his trip will be like. “Just hang out on the beach in Goa and maybe smoke a bit. Rent a moped. Go to an ashram and just chill. Maybe go backpacking. I actually have some cousins over there who are cirrus clouds, so it will be nice to see them again.” Boaz also explained that on this trip being a cloud would have its advantages. “Sometimes hostels won’t rent to Israeli backpackers because…..well I guess that’s because they once rented to Israeli backpackers…… But I can just show them my second passport from Cloud and everything will be chill.

Boaz’s friends who will accompany him to India include such other mythical enlistees as “The Israel Spy Dolphin“, a talking dog from the K-9 unit, the wild boars that Mahmoud Abbas says Israel releases on the West Bank every night to ruin crops, the Zionist sharks in the Sinai, and the soldier on your Birthright trip who honestly really really isn’t trying to bang you.

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Lone Soldier has “No Idea” where Roommate’s Food Went

Lone Soldier totally not stealing your foodBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/5/2016 at 11:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Frischman: Tel Aviv resident Rachel G. is at her wit’s end.  After returning from a weekend in Haifa, her refrigerator is empty. And nobody has been in the apartment except her roommate Danny, a Lone Soldier. Yet Danny has told her that the status of the food is a mystery to him as well.

I just don’t get it.” Rachel explained. “I mean, we didn’t know each other before he responded to my ad on Secret Tel Aviv, but we get along fine. He’s been really good about finding things on the street for the apartment.  Just last week he found a mattress, a yoga mat, and a guitar.  And when my parents were in town, he was totally cool with coming to dinner with us at Sarona Market. I mean, they paid, but still.” Rachel continued to mull over the situation. “I just feel betrayed. You know, it’s the ketchup packets from Burger Ranch that hurts the most.”

Fellow Lone soldier Jeremy C. shared his suspicions with the daily Freier. “I guess I figured something was up when I stopped by to play Xbox and he offered me a tuna sandwich. Also, he has a new hat. Yeah, something just doesn’t make sense.

When Jeremy confronted him about his sudden sandwich-production capability, Danny’s alibi was that he already has “lots of canned food that he stole from miluim last week“. Which has the ring of truth to it.

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