Tag: Tel Aviv realtors

The Daily Freier asks Putin for his Tel Aviv apartment

To: Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation

4 Staraya Square

Moscow, Russia 103132

—————–

From: Office of the Daily Freier

Tel Aviv Central Bus Station, 4th Floor

Next to the Asian Grocery (Not that one, the other one)


Tovarisch!

Greetings from Tel Aviv! How are things in Moscow? Cold? We bet! While we still haven’t been to Moscow, we HAVE been to Ulpan Gordon, and it’s kind of similar! Anyhoo,we know you respect people who are direct and to the point (Hi Donald!) , so we will get right to be point:

Please Please Please give us the Tel Aviv apartment you just inherited.

We know that in the past you have given apartments to random Jews. And, Hey! We are Jews too! And, trust us, we are Random. Plus, our apartment is giving us allergies. It’s like the mold colony has its own personality or something. So we are really counting on you doing us a solid and letting us stay in your new apartment. But we also know you are a businessman, so we are willing to offer terms:

The Daily Freier will run at least one shirtless photo of you per month. With a gun. Or a crossbow. Maybe a photo of you on horseback. Or interacting with wildlife! The sky is the limit! Plus, we will satirize the hell out of Ukraine’s leadership. Just really give them the business. Know what we’re saying? Also, we are willing to pay the Arnona and Va’ad Bayit. Is the Va’ad Bayit OK? Does he actually fix anything? Let us know.

Thanks for keeping us in mind!

 

Yours in Freierhood,

 

 

The Daily Freier Staff

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Tired of being judged, Tel Aviv realtor now telling friends he’s a stripper

tired-of-being-judged-tel-aviv-realtor-now-telling-friends-hes-a-stripper-daily-freierBy Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 12/3/2016 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda Street: Local real estate agent “Ron” is a little tired of the disrespect he receives from strangers, friends, and certain family members for his chosen vocation. Friends crossing the street when they see him. Dates getting up halfway through the sushi when he tells them what he does for a living. Certain cousins ‘forgetting’ to invite them to their wedding (looking at you, Meirav). So he has decided to take a stand.  Ron is going to confront his detractors and say ‘Hey! Real estate agents are the engines of the…” Just kidding. He is going to lie his tuchus off. As of last Tuesday, Ron has begun telling his friends and family and neighbors that he quit his real estate job to pursue a career as a male stripper. Ron explained.

So every day, my brother drops me off at Atarim Square on his way to work. And he thinks I am going to my ‘job’ as a stripper. But once he’s out of sight, I go to the parking lot, and change out of my leather chaps and cowboy hat and put on my realtor clothes. I know that I’m living a lie, but people have just started treating me so much nicer since I started doing this. I finally feel that I’m part of society. Am Yisrael Chai.

In order to get all the facts, the Daily Freier decided to interview a few key personnel, starting with Ron’s Yenta Aunt, Nava. “I am so glad Ron quit his job as a realtor. Now stripper, that’s a step up. I mean, he needs to do a few more sit-ups and maybe actually try to bench his own weight, but nobody’s perfect.

The Daily Freier was also able to speak with Ron’s neighborhood juice guy on the corner, Naor, who shared his philosophy on this topic.  “I’m actually proud of him. He needs to stay away from that Real Estate Agent Balagan. Listen…… yesterday at my shop somebody compared Tel Aviv realtors to Hamas. But there are differences. One of these groups has a worldview completely at odds with the Israeli public, makes outrageous demands, and seems to hate Israelis personally….. and the other one has some missiles and is based in Gaza.

While Ron is still committed to the whole realtor thing, he has begun doing some research on what an actual male stripper would earn by checking Secret Tel Aviv, and he has to admit, switching professions is tempting.

As the Daily Freier ended the interview with Ron and got up to leave the coffee shop, he asked us for 6000 Shekels plus VAT “because I found this place and opened the door for you“.

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Woman on Secret Tel Aviv seeking live-in Boy Toy is just FOREX Human Resources

Secret Tel Aviv Boy Toy FOREX roommate

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/26/2016 at 1:10 PM

(DISCLAIMER: TODAY THE FREIER IS TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Recently, a woman posted on Secret Tel Aviv seeking a roommate under…… “special conditions”.  The Daily Freier was going to try to explain the post, but whatever we say won’t do it justice:

woman seeks boy toy secret tel aviv daily freier roommate FOREX

Anyhoo, Secret Tel Aviv being Secret Tel Aviv, the readers reacted with a mixture of shock and anger that….. JUST KIDDING….. the men of Tel Aviv went on Full RED ALERT and sprang into action, replying with such important questions as:

  1. Does the apartment have a dishwasher?
  2. As a flatmate, I can also bring a kitten.
  3. Pick Me I’m Jewish!
  4. Can I bring my Barbie Dolls?
  5. Keep Kosher?

Despite the story seeming to be just an innocent request for a live-in sex object, the truth is far more sinister: the entire set-up was simply a ruse by a woman who works in the Human Resources section of a prominent FOREX company in Ramat Gan, and the men who responded found themselves not in a Get-Your-Freak-On scenario, but a Binary Options Job Interview. The Daily Freier waited outside the Apartment and conducted Exit Interviews with the traumatized men of Tel Aviv as they learned the bitter truth.

As he left her apartment, local guy Shai (from the coffee kiosk) said “I’m into experiments, but this pushed my boundaries WAY too far. I might be a submissive, but I’m not into Cold-Calling torture!

We then spoke with recent French Oleh David as he skulked away in shame. “I walked into the interview thinking I was, how do you say, ‘Overqualified?’ Because I am… French? But I’m into bondage, not Binary Bondage.

Yet there was somebody who DID seem OK with the arrangement, but wished to remain anonymous. The Daily Freier asked the Mystery Man if he had any comments.  “Yeah, can you adjust my leather collar? It’s itchy.

We actually volunteered to check out all of the details of the arrangement. Just as advertised, They DO provide lunch and breakfast. There ARE good showers on site. If you work night-shift, there ARE beds. The only thing we couldn’t figure out was…..uhhhhh….. this:

Party Daily Freier FOREX Secret Tel Aviv Roommate

 

 

 

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Kinda Sure That Your Upstairs Neighbor is Renting Out His Sukkah On Airbnb.com

 

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By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/29/2015 at 2:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: OK, this is weird, but you’re almost positive that your upstairs neighbor (yeah, yeah; the one who was stealing your Wi-fi last year. That guy.) is renting out his Sukkah on Air BNB. First of all, you went up to the roof on Sunday night to see the Eclipse, and there was a sign on the Sukkah wall for “HaYarkon Rooftop Cabins“. In English and French. And now the guy delivering the porta-john to the building last week makes perfect sense. Plus this really polite English couple knocked on your door this morning asking if they could use your shower.  Because, they explained, the ‘rustic cottage with the palm frond roof and canvas walls‘ apparently doesn’t have….. ‘a washroom‘. Well you will NOT stand for  this.  This is totally illegal and violates every housing code in the city.  You are going to march up to your neighbor’s door and tell him in no uncertain terms……that for 200 Shekels you never saw nothing.

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Daily Freier’s Alert Readers Solve the Mystery of the Giant Balloon That Floats Over Ramat Aviv

ramat-aviv-balloon-daily-freierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/15/2015 at 9 AM

Ramat Aviv, Rakevet Ha Universita: After last week’s request for help identifying the mysterious balloon in the sky above Ramat Aviv, the Daily Freier’s alert readers swung into action, revealing a dogged search for the truth, and for some, a clear need to get back on their prescribed medication.  Here is what our alert readers had to say:


ron-policeman

“It’s where Buji hides his charisma.” – Ron, policeman


cathrine

“It’s where the city keeps all the polite, good looking straight guys who will call you back” – Cathrine, web designer


harun

“Where’s Ramat Aviv????” – Shuki, playwright


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“I’ve been dating a Sabra girl for 2 years and I just told her over dinner that I want to break up with her…..so……Can I hide in the balloon for a few weeks? – Binyamin, Lone Soldier


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“Actually the Palestinians say it was originally theirs.” – Shoshanna, Optometrist


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“I’m sick of Tel Aviv. Will it take me to Berlin?” – Ashleigh Shapiro, actress


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“I don’t know, but the U.N. is about to pass a resolution against it”. – Adi, entrepreneur


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“Space Aliens…..except they’re also Jewish”. – Dana, stockbroker


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“Hot Cable’s Walk-In Customer Service” –Yonatan, Independent Contractor


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“It’s where Netanyahu has been hiding his good ideas all this time”. – Yuda, musician


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“Kanye is going to parachute from the balloon onto stage next month. ” – Yossi, teacher


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“Remember that nice inexpensive 3-room apartment near Hayarkon Park without a realtor fee that you saw advertised on Secret Tel Aviv?….. It’s up there.” – Howard, stock algorithm designer


reuven

“Probably some Birthright shit.” – Reuven, mechanic

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