Category: Secret Tel Aviv

Secret Tel Aviv

In Great News for the City’s Hypochondriacs, Hoarders, and Those Just Trying to Find a Nice Sweater for Their Pet Chicken, Website Secret Tel Aviv Now Has an Interactive Map

 

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 8/31/2015 at 12:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Sheinken:  The city is going crazy about popular local website Secret Tel Aviv’s new interactive map, with Secret Tel Aviv’s key demographic groups leading the way. The doctor-phobic, who previously had to crowd-source their medical diagnosis on the site, can now meet up and consult with like-minded people as a completely suitable and safe substitute for actually, like, you know, going to the doctor and stuff.  In addition, strangers can now find the exact location of that piece-o-crap couch you’ve been trying to sell for 100 ₪.  Most importantly, Tel Aviv residents finally have a better way to source a sweater for their pet chickens.   The Daily Freier talked to some of the map’s biggest fans yesterday at that coffee shop on Ben Yehuda near Frischmann.

“This new map is AMAZING!!!” enthused MASA Program participant Melissa C. as she consulted with several like-minded residents whom she had just met through the map. “Now, let’s say you met a really nice guy who is a Lone Soldier?  And you had an amazing time with him last week at the beach before he had to go back to the Negev? But now, you have, like, a persistent rash on your  left arm and stuff? Now maybe you can find out, like, what it is?”  Melissa’s voice trailed off as she continued; “…….Asking for a friend.”

Despite the enthusiasm for the new product, not everyone in the community shares in the excitement.  The Daily Freier caught up with its old friend, Yossi the Talking Household Mold, and talked to him about his views on this new application.  As he tidied up his new place on Bograshov and hung a framed picture of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef (Z”L) up on the wall, Yossi shared some of his observations about the Map.  “When I first heard about the Map, I gotta admit, I was kind of excited.  Like, now I can learn prevailing wind conditions for the coming weeks, the addresses of prominent shputzniks and how to avoid living near them, maybe find out which buildings in Central Tel Aviv contain sub-standard weather proofing around their windows.  That kind of stuff, news I can use….. But when I open up the map, it’s all henna tattoos and bracelet bars. So yeah; if me and my fellow bridesmaids want to get white-girl wasted the night before our best friends’ Indian-themed wedding on the beach, I’m all for it.  But until then? Thanks but I’ll pass.”

The Daily Freier wanted to continue mocking Secret Tel Aviv’s new map, but is secretly hoping to get some sort of widget for its newspaper included in this exciting and ground-breaking new application.

Secret Tel Aviv, The IDF

IDF Creates Door-to-Door “Secret Tel Aviv” Team In Case of Wartime Loss of Internet

 

(photo credit: Wikipedia)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/19/2015 at 8:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Home Front Command has teamed up with the popular Facebook page Secret Tel Aviv  in order to create a real-world door-to-door simulation of the site in case the city experiences a wartime loss of Internet.   The Secret Tel Aviv Mobile Team  consists of IDF reservists along with veteran Internet trolls of Secret Tel Aviv, under the command of Captain Uri P., a career officer from Home Front Command.  The Daily Freier sat down with the Captain to learn more about this exciting development.

“This all started during last summer’s Gaza War.  We knew that Hamas was aiming its missiles at Tel Aviv’s critical infrastructure.  We also knew that Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for 50% of all commerce in the city for used cosmetics, old shoes, and broken I-Phones.  In addition, Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for at least a third of all household repairs in the city, from women asking strange men to come unclog their sinks ‘in exchange for coffee’.  So we knew that if Secret Tel Aviv were to go down, it could cripple the city.  I mean, how would Olim Hadashim know that they suck and should return to their country of origin if it weren’t for Secret Tel Aviv?”  Captain Uri went on to explain how he assembles his team.  “If you spend your days on Secret Tel Aviv asking for crowd-sourced advice on your relationship issues, if you try to sell small shampoos that you got from when you stayed in a hotel, if you say ‘Welcome to Israel’ to people who post that their bike got stolen……your country needs you.”

Although the unit officially stood up just this month, The Secret Tel Aviv Team began operating unofficially last summer at the height of the conflict. The Daily Freier spoke to some members of the Tel Aviv public about their experience with Secret Tel Aviv Team.

Alert local Ronit S. described what it was like to see the Secret Tel Aviv Team in action. “The sirens went off at 2 AM, and our building is really old so I grabbed my nieces and nephews and ran down to the basement.  We didn’t have any time so we were all in our pajamas.  The kids were scared and crying. Then Secret Tel Aviv showed up at the shelter.  One of the women started sharing some really personal stuff about what seemed like a serious thyroid condition and asking me for advice. I told her she needed to ask a doctor but she just kept talking.  Then another guy showed me an insect that he found in his kitchen and asked me to identify it. Then the Captain said some really inappropriate shit about how I looked in my nightgown.” Ronit continued to describe the night as she fought back tears; “The fact that they risked their lives in order to just totally waste my time……I have never felt more proud to be Israeli.”

Recent Immigrant Jacques L. also described his experience. “I had just made Aliyah from France in June. So when I went to the public shelter during the alert, I didn’t really know anybody.  But then Secret Tel Aviv showed up.  One guy told me that it was because of me that nobody could afford an apartment, and that I was probably only going to spend 2 months a year there anyway.  Also, a woman told me that her washing machine was broken and that she would be really grateful if I came over and fixed it.  Then she said ‘wink wink’.  I mean I’m French and all but it was still sketchy as hell. Then another guy just started ranting incoherently about FOREX and Binary….It was at that moment that I knew we were all in this together and that Israel is my home.  Am Yisrael Chai.”

Captain Uri told the Daily Freier that based on the early success of Secret Tel Aviv, Homefront Command plans to also create a team that in wartime will go door-to-door with the Facebook page “Keeping Olim in Israel” doing everything they can to convince Olim that they’ve made a huge mistake.

Secret Tel Aviv

Secret Tel Aviv now self-aware, creates Absurd Posts & Responses without Human Input

 

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(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/19/2015 at 9:30 PM

Haifa: In the aftermath of last week’s cyber-attack, a team at Haifa’s prestigious Technion Institute have revealed today that the ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ Facebook Page is now a fully sentient and self-aware entity that is capable of generating its own absurd traffic, and then answering that traffic with even more ridiculous responses.  Doctoral candidates Gideon B. and Alex G. walked the Daily Freier through this chilling development.

“What we are facing is what is known as a Chutzpadik Black Hole” explained Gideon as we toured their state of the art simulation of the Secret Tel Aviv entity at the Technion.  “Basically, as the environment  of the website becomes more and more ridiculous, it actually slows down.  What I am saying is  that as the website approaches maximum absurdity, it actually seems more normal to those who interact with it.  It is in this environment, that it seems perfectly normal to ask strangers to help you with your bikini purchase when at least half of the site demographics consists of, you know, MEN FROM TEL AVIV.”

“Secret Tel Aviv is now fully capable of operating as a self-aware being on the  entire spectrum: crowd-sourced advice on difficult relationships, what to do with a tarantula that you found under your rug, semi-legal requests for advice on how to avoid Israeli customs fees, you name it.” stated Alex as we toured the room-sized simulation of Secret Tel Aviv.

The Israeli Government has expressed serious concern about this frightening turn of events, but Gideon urged caution. “I told the Shin Bet guys who stopped by today that you do NOT want to try to shut down the site against its will.“

When the Daily Freier asked Alex if there was one specific event that spurred Secret Tel Aviv to enter a higher plane of existence, Alex noted “I have to stress that we are still awaiting the results of peer review, but if I had to guess, I would venture that it was when the guy asked for help finding a rave dance party that offered babysitting.”

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Secret Tel Aviv

Anarchists hack into Secret Tel Aviv, post reasonable requests to exchange goods and services followed by helpful and informative feedback

Anarchists Hack into Secret Tel Aviv, Post Reasonable Requests to Exchange Goods and Services Followed by Helpful and Informative Feedback

(Photo Credit: Secret Tel Aviv)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/6/2015 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: A previously unknown anarchist collective has hacked into the popular ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ website, and inserted malicious posts that offer a reasonable exchange of good and services, as well as intelligently written requests for information.  These posts are then followed up by helpful and informative user feedback in which those who replied clearly read the original post, thought about their response, then wrote it in a way that adds some sort of value to the conversation.  Local residents vented their concerns about this disturbing situation to the Daily Freier:

“I saw a post asking for information on Holiday Bus Schedules, and something just didn’t feel right.” noted Jerry F. of Neve Tzedek. “The question was intelligent and well written.  But what really got me concerned were the responses.  The first post on the thread included an attachment to the Dan Bus Lines Website in English.  Then somebody else included helpful hints.  Not one person called him stupid, to look it up himself, or told him to go back to his country of origin.  After a while I was just, like, NOT. COOL.” 

Alert local Ronit S. had a similar scare that fortunately turned out to be a false alarm.  “I responded to an ad looking for models/actresses for an upcoming event.  At first I have to admit I was concerned.  I mean, the ad was written by someone with a grasp of basic business letter-writing. It also clearly stated the times, dates, and payment for work.  So I was definitely feeling weird about it.  But when the guy responded he said that he needed pictures of me in my underwear, and that his studio was behind the Central Bus Station.  So I was, like, Baruch. HaShem. Legitimate Secret Tel Aviv.”

However, according to a recent press release, Secret Tel Aviv is aware of the incursion and is taking concrete steps to fix the problem.  “We take this violation of our customers’ trust very seriously and our tech support team are working around the clock to fix this.” wrote the Secret Tel Aviv Webmaster.  “In the meantime, here are some quick tips for our readers to know that they are in fact looking at a legitimate Secret Tel Aviv post:”

1) Somebody wants you to carry something on an airplane for them

2) Somebody on the post calls you a racist

3) A thread devolves into sexual banter within 5 replies

4) A frustrated, confusing rant against Israeli men or women

5) The words “Forex” or “Binary”

6) A response to an unfortunate event that includes the phrase “Welcome to Israel”

7) Somebody is selling used cosmetics

8) A post that starts with “I know this might not belong here” followed by a post that definitely does not belong there

9) A request, with photo attached, to identify an insect found in somebody’s kitchen

10) Anything involving cats

Daily Freier Staff had to cut short their investigation so that they could check the ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ site because, hey, we still love it.

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