Category: Secret Tel Aviv

Secret Tel Aviv September 29, 2016February 7, 2019

Daily Freier declares Code Red Satire Alert after Secret Tel Aviv opens a Sperm Bank

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/29/2016 at 8:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: The Daily Freier newsroom is currently in full panic mode, as news broke that Secret Tel Aviv opened a Sperm Bank. Secret Tel Aviv, the popular online community for English Speakers in Tel Aviv that strives to prove that Jews are completely bonkers, has added a Sperm Bank to its business directory, once again making the Daily Freier’s most ridiculous attempts at satire seem downright boring compared to real life.

As frantic interns scurried from point to point in the newsroom grabbing messages from the old-time teletype machine and carrying coffee, the editorial staff gathered for a nervous meeting in the conference room. Yuval Weiss opened the meeting. “This is insane. It’s almost as if Jonny is testing us. Just to see how we react.” Guest Writer Lee Saunders was in a state of shock, almost bereft of his Droll English wit. “This is madness. A Secret Tel Aviv Sperm Bank??? Who knows what sort of wankers will show up.” Like we said, almost bereft.

Meanwhile, Dating and Relationships Columnist Emily Goldstein and Guest Writer Mia Deych were growing progressively angrier as they reviewed the list of guys who “liked” the original post for the Sperm Bank on Secret Tel Aviv. Mia explained. “At least 3 of these guys had at one time told one of us that they “weren’t looking for anything long-term.” So they couldn’t commit but now they’re just going to throw their DNA out there to random women in Tel Aviv? What the Hell? …. Also, me and Emily compared notes and one of the guys used the same line on both of us.”

While the bulk of the Daily Freier staff struggled with the New Normal, reporter Aaron Pomerantz walked down to Secret Tel Aviv to get all the facts.

After chatting with Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark, the Daily Freier realized that the business model for the Sperm Bank was actually quite sound. “We already have a built-in client base derived from all the guys who Direct Message random women who really really just wanted to sublet their apartments.” explained Mr. Stark. “Also, there’s always the guys on Secret Tel Aviv who are apparently self-appointed experts on Womens’ Skin Care. Plus, remember the guy last year who tried to sell “somebody else’s” porn collection on Secret Tel Aviv? Well he’s now the librarian.”

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Secret Tel Aviv, Start Up Nation July 30, 2016

Now you can sweat like a local with the “Secretion Tel Aviv” App!

(Photo Credit: We totally came up with this ourselves- The Freier Legal Department)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/30/2016 at 5:30 PM

Yafo: The City’s tech community is kinda excited right now about the hottest app on the streets: “Secretion Tel Aviv“. This breakthrough technology allows you to ‘sweat like a local’ by monitoring your activity, food intake, choice of clothing, and caffeine levels. The Daily Freier talked with the “Secretion Tel Aviv” Start-Up team as they took a break from a rigorously playing ping-pong on a roof in Yafo.

“A lot of times, Olim get to Tel Aviv and feel intimidated. They’re at the beach. They’re trying to impress the locals.” explained lead technician Jered B. “They’re sweating a lot. But guess what? It’s Diaspora sweat. Not the same. You want the pheromones? You need to go local.”

Jered led the Daily Freier downstairs to their product development suite, and showed us the rigorous tests that the product has gone through. Sitting side by side on a couch in a room without very good air conditioning were two gentlemen: a shirtless, heavyset guy eating bamba named Motti (who was in fact the Building’s Vaad Bayit), and a nervous, Oleh named Joshua wearing an Emory University T-Shirt and a pooka shell necklace. Each had wires attached to his forehead, wrists, and chest that were hooked up to some sort of monitor. “So you see Motti over there? His sweat is amazing. Like the Gold Standard. His diet of coffee, hummus, bamba, and chopped salad produces the perfect mix…..On the other hand, Joshua is still sweating like a Galut…. Now watch this…..”

As an assistant checked the monitor, Jered fed Joshua some bamba with Cofix coffee, and then handed him a lit spliff. We waited 5 minutes and then checked the monitors as well as the App version on Jered’s I-Phone. “So according to the monitors, Joshua’s sweat passed ‘Oleh’ levels, is approaching ‘I spent a year in MASA’, and may even break into ‘Lone Soldier’ territory.” And the Daily Freier had to admit that his Hebrew sounded better also.

The Secretion Tel Aviv App is now available on I-Tunes, but the juice guy on the corner says he can download you a better version if you stop by.

Dating and Relationships, FOREX/Binary Options, Secret Tel Aviv July 26, 2016March 2, 2017

Woman on Secret Tel Aviv seeking live-in Boy Toy is just FOREX Human Resources

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/26/2016 at 1:10 PM

(DISCLAIMER: TODAY THE FREIER IS TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Recently, a woman posted on Secret Tel Aviv seeking a roommate under…… “special conditions”. The Daily Freier was going to try to explain the post, but whatever we say won’t do it justice:

Anyhoo, Secret Tel Aviv being Secret Tel Aviv, the readers reacted with a mixture of shock and anger that….. JUST KIDDING….. the men of Tel Aviv went on Full RED ALERT and sprang into action, replying with such important questions as:

Does the apartment have a dishwasher?
As a flatmate, I can also bring a kitten.
Pick Me I’m Jewish!
Can I bring my Barbie Dolls?
Keep Kosher?

Despite the story seeming to be just an innocent request for a live-in sex object, the truth is far more sinister: the entire set-up was simply a ruse by a woman who works in the Human Resources section of a prominent FOREX company in Ramat Gan, and the men who responded found themselves not in a Get-Your-Freak-On scenario, but a Binary Options Job Interview. The Daily Freier waited outside the Apartment and conducted Exit Interviews with the traumatized men of Tel Aviv as they learned the bitter truth.

As he left her apartment, local guy Shai (from the coffee kiosk) said “I’m into experiments, but this pushed my boundaries WAY too far. I might be a submissive, but I’m not into Cold-Calling torture!”

We then spoke with recent French Oleh David as he skulked away in shame. “I walked into the interview thinking I was, how do you say, ‘Overqualified?’ Because I am… French? But I’m into bondage, not Binary Bondage.”

Yet there was somebody who DID seem OK with the arrangement, but wished to remain anonymous. The Daily Freier asked the Mystery Man if he had any comments. “Yeah, can you adjust my leather collar? It’s itchy.”

We actually volunteered to check out all of the details of the arrangement. Just as advertised, They DO provide lunch and breakfast. There ARE good showers on site. If you work night-shift, there ARE beds. The only thing we couldn’t figure out was…..uhhhhh….. this:

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Secret Tel Aviv June 13, 2016June 27, 2019

Panic after Secret Tel Aviv reader copulates with Keep Olim in Israel reader

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/13/2016 at 3:10 PM

Tel Aviv: A wave of fear mixed with confusion has swept the nation upon news that a reader of the Facebook Page “Secret Tel Aviv” has mated in the wild with a reader of the Facebook Group “Keep Olim in Israel“. Apparently an unidentified male reader of the popular Tel Aviv message board/insect identification service/underwear Lost & Found/place to advertise the availability of your friends for dating/place to sell “someone else’s” adult movie collection met an unidentified female reader of the Immigrant Mutual-Assistance/Advocacy Group that maintains nothing but totally relaxed and easygoing conversations on its Facebook page. At a Secret Tel Aviv Job Fair. Or the Dancing Camel. Not totally sure on the details.

Friends of the unidentified male, known as “Yonatan Doe” noted that “he ran pretty good game” upon meeting the unidentified female (known as “Chava Doe“) and ended up “meeting for drinks” later that evening. Upon Chava Doe meeting her girlfriends for brunch the next day, word of the encounter spread quickly, first through the city and then throughout the country as a whole. This afternoon Prime Minister Netanyahu convened his Cabinet, while the Home Command held Emergency Response Exercises. The Daily Freier spoke to experts Gideon B. and Alex G. from the Technion for their opinions on this development.

“What we are looking at is a potential Humanitarian Disaster.” explained Technion researcher Gideon B. “As the drama of the Keep Olim reader merges with the Obtuse Chutzpadik of the Secret Tel Aviv reader, any possible offspring from the encounter would be infused with a combination of traits that could alter history as we know it……. What I’m saying is that in 30 years we could be ruled by a caste of Easily Offended, Self-Absorbed Overlords.”

“I told Johnny not to hold the Job Fair.” explained Alex G. “The risks were too great. There was too much of a chance that something could go wrong. The authorities really need to do something to stop this. But I’m afraid it may already be too late.”

BREAKING: In an effort to end the crisis, a multi-Party Coalition to include President Rivlin, Tzipi Livni, Amir Peretz, and Zehava Gal-On have sent Chava Doe a What’s-App message informing her that she can totally do better.

Judaism, Secret Tel Aviv May 14, 2016August 8, 2016

Ancient clay tablet ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ uncovered during Light Rail excavation

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/14/2016 at 2:00 PM

Tel Aviv Haganah: Construction workers excavating Tel Aviv’s Light Rail Line made an amazing discovery yesterday: the earliest known recording of the Secret Tel Aviv website and Facebook page. “Secret Ur of the Chaldeans” which later morphed into “Secret Harran“, then “Secret Land of Canaan” and then “Secret Eretz Yisrael“, was a message board recorded in ancient Hebrew and later Aramaic on clay bricks in which the people of the day were able to ask perfect strangers how to solve their batshit crazy personal problems, how to evade Customs Fees when bringing items back from the Babylonian Exile, and how to identify an insect that they found in their granary. The Daily Freier went to the scene to smell the excitement.

Hebrew University Professor of Antiquities Nadav S. explained the importance of the finding to the Daily Freier. “What this discovery shows is really a snapshot of life before the Common Era.” Professor Nadav picked up a clay shard and began to read aloud.

“So if you’re like a King? And you see a really hot woman sunning herself on her roof, but she’s married? And her husband is an Achi but he’s not an ‘Achi Achi’. So you send her husband off to do Miluim, because hey, you’re the King, and he like dies? After that is it OK to hook up with her?…….Asking for a friend.”

Nadav continued. “What is fascinating is that the tablets show a continuous narrative of the self-absorbed going back over 3,000 years.” The Professor grabbed another shard at random and read it.

“Hi Secret Land of Canaan this is Sarah. I’m a new Olah. So my husband found this nice cave in Hebron, which is over the Green Line but whatever. Anyway, the landlord seems like a psycho. Let’s call him ‘Ephraim’. And I think he’s a Hittite. Can I say that? Is that racist? Anyway, he wants 12 post-dated checks plus someone from another tribe to co-sign for the cave. Is that normal?”

Nadav turned the shard over to reveal responses from passers-by. “What is fascinating is that random Israelites stopped what they were doing to provide advice to this woman seeking a cave. One person suggested that she go back to her original place of birth. Another person said “Welcome to the Land of Canaan” which appears to be the earliest recorded use of sarcasm. And another guy appeared to have sent her a ‘Private Parchment Message“.

Professor Nadav stressed that the problems faced by our ancestors on “Secret Harran” are very similar to the problems people write about today on Secret Tel Aviv:

“So I really connected with this girl but she’s like Super Super Mizrahi. I mean I had to get her family’s permission to go on a date with her. Anyway, when I went to the house to meet her Dad, somehow he tricked me into going into business with him. And then he fixes me up with his other daughter, but the thing is she….. has a really nice personality. So now the Dad says if I stay with his agricultural supply company for a couple more years then he will let me date the first daughter too. Anyway Secret Harran…… has anybody else been through this? Is this nuts? Am I in too deep?”

As the Daily Freier ended the interview, construction workers uncovered the first recorded instance of somebody getting banned from “Secret Land of Canaan“.

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Secret Tel Aviv April 18, 2016April 18, 2016

Maccabi Health outsources Therapy & Counseling requests to Secret Tel Aviv

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/18/2016 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Basel: So you submitted a request to see a therapist last week online. And now you’ve stopped by the Maccabi Office, taken a number, and walked down the stairs into their sketchy as hell waiting room. You just need the Tofes 17 Form and then you can go see a therapist. This is really important. Being an Olah Hadashah is not easy. And then there’s the school thing. And your ex. And your mom. And you made more per hour working for McDonalds 10 years ago than you make working for Nefesh now.

So anyway, all you need is the approval form and you will be on your way! But wait. The lady denied your claim. Apparently Maccabi is cutting costs. She wants you to post your problems on Secret Tel Aviv “And they’ll take care of you”.

You: But that’s nuts!

Woman (Nava?): Welcome to Israel

You: But these are really personal problems!

Nava: Have you READ Secret Tel Aviv lately?

You: But they’re not professionals!

Nava: 90,000 people can’t be wrong.

You: But what if I have other questions? Like what if I need to identify an insect I found in my kitchen?

Nava: They got you covered.

You: But what if I find a stranger’s underwear in my laundry? Huh?

Nava: They got you covered.

You: But what if I need to find out what time the Shuk closes?

Nava: They got you covered.

You: This actually sounds pretty good. Thank you so much!

Nava: No problem. Hey, do you have some place to go for Seder? We’re going to my Uncle’s house in Hadera. You should come with us.

Dating and Relationships, Secret Tel Aviv February 13, 2016February 7, 2019

Secret Tel Aviv Post by Woman Who Found Mystery Boxers in Her Laundry Leads to Long Term Relationship, Restraining Orders

Screen Shot 2019-02-07 at 11.48.44 AM (Photo Credit: Secret Tel Aviv)

~~(EDITOR’S NOTE: Based on a True Story!)~~

(We made it all up. Except for the part where somebody on Secret Tel Aviv posted a pic of some dude’s boxers that she found in her laundry. That’s real. –The Freier Legal Dept.)

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/13/2016 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, HaBima: Israel’s modern day Cinderella story has turned from happiness to cautionary urban tale. It all started with a post on popular website Secret Tel Aviv, in which Canadian Olah Lisa K. wrote about the pair of men’s boxers she found mixed in with her clothes upon return from a local laundry service. This post in turn led to a series of replies from concerned locals that almost crashed Secret Tel Aviv’s server. But in the end, it also led to a long-term relationship with local guy Shlomi D, followed by court-ordered restraining orders against one another. The Daily Freier sat down with Shlomi for his take on this unfolding tragedy.

“It started out so cool. I was just surfing Secret Tel Aviv, checking for apartments in the city, and you know, seeing if anybody might be selling their porn collection this week. And then, Bam! I saw her post and immediately responded. And she wrote back! I felt pretty good. I mean, I beat out 37 other Israeli guys who PM’d her within 7 minutes of the post going online. And unlike those idiots, at least I once used the same laundry service….. So we dated for a while. And then, you know how these things go, we each filed restraining orders with the police that forbid us from coming within 200 meters of one another…. I’m still almost positive that she poisoned my houseplants.”

Later that day the Daily Freier spoke with Lisa in a location that complied with all recent court orders. “So yeah, he was my Prince Charming. If Prince Charming was a 29-year-old two-timing sex addict who lived with his parents in Kfar Sabah.” Lisa continued. “The first night we hooked up we were at his parents’ house. But he had to work the next morning. So his Aunt and Uncle were driving into the city and drove me home. Some people have a walk of shame. I had a Car Pool of shame.”

Lisa then explained how happy her friends were for her at first. “After we started dating, one of my girlfriends thought that, hey, if it worked for me, it could work for her. So she also posted on Secret Tel Aviv with pictures of guy’s undergarments in her laundry. So some guy from London started corresponding back and forth with her. He seemed really nice. And, yada yada yada, the police in Finchley gave him an ASBO.”

Lisa explained the moment she realized that things were going wrong. “He kept leaving the room to check his phone. And them I found out he was also trolling Secret Jerusalem responding to a woman’s post that the Tallit Katan she found in her dry cleaning were actually his. What the hell? But I’m not finished….. So we went to his cousins’ kibbutz up north for a week. And he keeps “running into his ex”. Everyone knows each other there. Like, it’s not that big. And he thought he could hook up with two girls at the same time on a tiny kibbutz and keep it discreet? He can’t even keep track of the location of his underwear!”

In order to ensure that all sides had their say, the Daily Freier allowed Shlomi to respond to these allegations. “Sure the whole thing was definitely a Cinderella moment. If Cinderella had control issues and hated your friends…..And now she’s demanding full custody of our pet ferret Chris.”

Fallout from the post continues to be felt across the State of Israel. Upon reading the original post, experts from the Technion concluded that this in fact brought Secret Tel Aviv one step closer to becoming a self-aware entity capable of generating its own absurd posts independent of human input. Additionally, the Daily Freier was embarrassed to admit that by failing to anticipate this scenario, it is now forced to update its Random Secret Tel Aviv Post Generator.

According to well-placed sources within Lisa’s circle of friends, the restraining orders have not prevented at least two incidents of “sex with the ex” since January.

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Secret Tel Aviv January 25, 2016January 17, 2019

Daily Freier forced to Retract Satire about Guy who tries to Sell his Porn Collection on Secret Tel Aviv …..after Guy tries to Sell his Porn Collection on Secret Tel Aviv

dude sells his adult movie collection on secret tel aviv (Photo Credit: Secret Tel Aviv)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/25/2016 at 7:30 PM

Tel Aviv- The City’s literary community is in turmoil this evening as publishing giant “The Daily Freier” was forced to perform an embarrassing retraction of an article. The newspaper of record had prepared its daily edition with a humorous yet satirical story about a guy who seeks to sell “someone else’s” pornography collection on the popular website “Secret Tel Aviv”. Yet early this evening officials from the Israeli Bureau of Literary and Publishing Standards served a notice at the Daily Freier’s Central Tel Aviv office that the satirical story that it had just created was identical to a real life event: a guy trying to sell “someone else’s” pornography collection on the popular website “Secret Tel Aviv”.

Officials from the Bureau explained their strict enforcement of the law: “It is very important for the Israeli public that satire stay within the realm of satire and not enter the realm of real world events.” noted Investigator Yair C. “Just last Spring we shut down an operation that had written a satirical piece about a guy who ran a casino with hookers and drugs in the Balkans and then got himself elected to the Knesset.”

For their part, Daily Freier staff were humiliated by the spectacle. “You don’t know how much research goes into each article.” noted ‘Pulse of the City’ section editor Darren B. “This was an incredible oversight on our part. Our interns labor mightily on the Internets to ensure that a satirical event never actually occurred. That way we don’t write a satirical piece about a guy checking Secret Tel Aviv for a Rave Dance Party that offers babysitting. Really though, our biggest fear is that as the posts continue to get weirder and weirder, it is only a matter of time before Secret Tel Aviv becomes a self-aware entity.”

When asked if he had any closing remarks about the unfortunate events today, Darren asked “Say you wouldn’t know if the collection has been sold yet would you? ……Asking for a friend.”

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Secret Tel Aviv December 7, 2015December 7, 2017

Build Your Own Secret Tel Aviv Post!

Build your own Secret Tel Aviv post! ** Updated January 18th 2016: Newer, Bigger, Weirder!

Greetings Tel Aviv! Ever wanted to write your own post for the site Secret Tel Aviv but you’re afraid that your life is not bizarre enough to support the endeavor? Well….problem solved! Simply choose one item from from each of the menus below to create a custom Secret Tel Aviv post.

WARNING: While this attempts to create the feeling of a real Secret Tel Aviv post, nothing can compete with the real thing in terms of strange.

Hugs,

The Daily Freier

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Secret Tel Aviv, Yom Kippur September 22, 2015October 3, 2022

Secret Tel Aviv’s Loyal Readers Promise to spend Yom Kippur wandering the City giving Unsolicited Advice and asking Total Strangers random off the wall Questions

Screen Shot 2018-09-18 at 1.30.39 PM (Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/22/2015 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu- As life in the city of Tel Aviv slowly grinds to a halt in preparation for the solemn occasion of Yom Kippur, loyal readers of the popular site “Secret Tel Aviv” are scrambling to find a way to support one anothers’ need to make snap judgements on other people while also asking total strangers completely off the wall questions. To this end, a number of readers have banded together and promised to take advantage of the total lack of traffic in order to wander the streets giving unsolicited advice to random passersby and asking other people questions seemingly pulled out of a hat.

“Yom Kippur is a special time, so I can’t wait to go up to somebody I don’t know and tell them about the time the sushi restaurant put shrimp in my order that was supposed to be kosher.“ noted loyal reader Danny F. “Also, if two people having a discussion on the street, I might interject and imply that one of them doesn’t know what they’re talking about.”

Loyal reader Jessica K. also discussed her plans for the Chag. “My friends and I are going to walk along Ayalon Highway, and ask anyone if they have a nature-themed jigsaw puzzle they are giving away. That’s a reasonable thing to ask, right?”

Unfortunately, not everyone on the site seems to be on the same sheet of music. Secret Tel Aviv regular Matti C. was somewhat confused by all of the activity and planning. “Wait…..so there’s something going on tomorrow? OMG I need to get on Secret Tel Aviv and find out tomorrow’s bus schedule.”

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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.