Tag: MASA

Start Up Nation, Tikkun Olam

“But I’m making a Difference!” American woman creates fake MASA program to stay in Israel

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 12/19/2019 at 3:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Weizman: An American citizen is under arrest today after authorities discovered that she’s been running a fake MASA program for over a year. MASA is a a public-service organization founded by the Government of Israel together with The Jewish Agency. Alison R. was detained early this morning after a month-long investigation.  Apparently she created the NGO so she could stay in Israel “because I LOVE LOVE LOVE it here.” The Daily Freier was able to speak to Alison while she  live-blogged her experience in the Tel Aviv District Court’s holding facility.

“I really don’t see what the big deal is.” complained Alison as she posted photos of her detention cell to Secret Tel Aviv. “I’m making a difference in the Community. Also, believe me, I have done A LOT for Israel.“

The Daily Freier asked Alison how she first decided to create a fake MASA program and she explained. “So I did my homework…. and discovered that every MASA program needs to be a combination of the following words: Start-Up, Communities, Women, Internship, Impact, Periphery, and Water. So I created ‘Women of the Periphery Sustainable Water Impact Start-Up Internship’. Wait… do you think they’ll let me out in time to go to Kuli Alma before it gets crowded? It’s Old School Hip Hop Night!”

The Daily Freier then spoke with the Israeli Police Anti-Fraud Task Force to demand answers on how this deception was able to go on for so long. Lead Investigator Lieutenant Dalit S. explained. “Our greatest challenge is that Alison’s NGO didn’t sound any less ridiculous than your average MASA program. During our investigation, we uncovered an NGO that builds gender-segregated religious dog beaches. We were about to arrest them until we discovered it was for real.”

UPDATE: Authorities released Alison after learning that 50 people have already applied for 8 positions with her Women of the Periphery Sustainable Water Impact Start-Up February 2020 Internship. Also, half of your Taglit bus wants to extend their trip to volunteer there “because it sounds A-Ma-Zing.“

Nefesh B' Nefesh, Start Up Nation, Waze, Yom Ha'atzmaut

Today your Waze navigation advice is from Nefesh B’Nefesh!

So in honor of Israel’s 70th Birthday, President Rivlin lent his voice to the navigation App Waze! But guess what? He wasn’t their first choice! Waze tested several other Israeli public figures and Organizations, yet for various reasons, they just didn’t work out. But the Daily Freier is providing YOU our loyal readers with the transcripts of the rejected applicants. Yesterday we published author/journalist Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s Waze narration. And today we provide you the Waze instructions provided by your Nefesh B’Nefesh Aliyah Counselor. Her name is BatSheva. Or Elisheva. Or Just Sheva. We kinda forgot. Anyhoo, strap in! It’s going to be a Wild Ride!

OMG Hi! Wait, you just did a Semester at Hebrew University??? Wow, that sounds A-MA-ZING! Isn’t Israeli Higher Education Incredible? You know, if you were a citizen, it would be MUCH cheaper! Hint, Hint! …… Ha Ha! Just Kidding! Not Really!

OK, So where are we going today? The Airport? You’re flying to London for an Internship? Ummm, yeah….. Not really feeling that, you know? I mean, No beaches in London, LOL! So yeah, what time is your flight? 3 hours? OK, Fine. What’s that? You think we’re going the wrong way to the airport? Oh no, this is a shortcut. Only Olim know it!

OK, back to your plans. Because to tell you the truth, I really think you should make Aliyah. And Israel is so Diverse! I mean, it’s not just Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. Haifa is Amazing. And there’s the Galilee! Can I interest you in our “Go North” program?

What’s that? You think you’re going to miss your flight to London because it’s been 45 minutes and we still haven’t gotten on the Highway?? Maybe that’s a sign from HaShem! Because to be honest, I think you’re making a Huge Mistake. At the very least you should do a MASA program until you come to your senses and give up this silly idea of living in Chul.

Wait a minute, it looks like we somehow ended up at the Nefesh B’Nefesh Jerusalem office. And we’re just in time for this week’s Aliyah fair! It’s a one-stop shop for you to get all of your paperwork in order. If everything goes right, we can submit your Aliyah application tomorrow morning! Isn’t this incredible? What are the Odds? I mean, Only in Israel, right?

Aliyah, Start Up Nation

So you’re an Oleh converting a foreign drivers license? My mother’s brother’s former roommate’s boyfriend’s vaad bayit has all the answers!

Israeli Drivers license Daily FreierBy Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/17/2017 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: So in a surprise move, the Israeli Government passed a law making life easier for Olim. Now, you can update your foreign drivers license without making a hefty contribution to the totally-not-corrupt Israeli Driving Instructor racket  Industry! And this being a country run by Jews, the entire process is being conducted with a sense of efficiency and transparency that can be compa….. Just Kidding!!! The whole thing is a total mess! And we love it! Because it just cured our 2 week case of Writer’s Block! The Daily Freier loitered outside of various Motor Vehicle Departments and trolled Keep Olim in Israel in order to get all the facts. For you. Our readers.

While standing around at the entrance to the Misrad HaRishui, the Daily Freier ran into our very own Emily Goldstein, who was also waiting to convert her Maryland Drivers license and shared her knowledge to-date of the process. “So remember that guy from our MASA program? The one from London with the really cute accent? No, not that guy…… The other one. So I saw him at Frishman Beach last week and…. OMG he had a totally flat stomach and I could see all of his abs! Wait, where was I? OK. He told me that his Ulpan teacher’s dad owns a makolet, and last week the guy who delivers energy drinks told him that you need to bring your old license, your new license, a bag of bamba, and a piece of green paper or something. I’m totally excited to start driving!”

As we spoke to Emily, Alert Local Ronit S. overheard our conversation and offered to share her knowledge on this vital subject. “So I was going out with this guy in Florentin? But not really going out. He’s kind of an idiot. But whatever. Anyway, his roommate’s mom goes to the same doctor as a woman who works at the Misrad HaRishui in Ramat Gan. And she said that in order for Olim to convert their license, they need to bring a letter from their High School Principal, a picture in which you’re wearing eyeglasses, and a Rav Kav. Also, you should do the whole thing by Fax.”

We were starting to despair from the conflicting information, so we decided to just drink coffee hafuch and scan Keep Olim in Israel for a few hours…. and, miraculously, we discovered all of the answers that we have been seeking! Here it is….

“Walk into your favorite optometrist and just hand them some money. Then go to your nearest motor vehicle department. Unless you live in Beit Shemesh or Ra’anaana. Then you should go someplace else. Once you’re inside, Look for the smartest person you see and give them  your old eyeglasses, your Teudat Oleh, and your Biometric Passport. Or a letter from your Rabbi back home. Wait 5 days, then bring your teudat Zeut and your latest water bill to your nearest post office. Cut the line and tell them that you know Moti. Your license should then arrive in the mail within 5-6 business days. Unless it’s Chag.“

Daily Freier satire Tel Aviv Israel Apple Store Tinder
Dating and Relationships, Start Up Nation

Tinder: 90% of all Tel Avivians’ fantasies involve city getting a real Apple Store

(This photo was not taken in Israel)

By Emily Goldstein and Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/4/2017 at 9:30 PM

Dizengoff Center: The popular dating App “Tinder” just announced a shocking revelation about its Israeli market: that fully 90% of all fantasies of users in Greater Tel Aviv involve Tel Aviv actually getting a real Apple Store. Not a knockoff. Not a place that “sends your computer to a lab”. A real Apple Store. Like with a Genius Bar. The Daily Freier went ahead and read some of the hotter testimonials.

A guy named Rami K., who just got busted at Ben Gurion trying to bring the new iPhone back from the States, went into some pretty graphic details. “So in my dream I meet these really hot twins at the beach. And they’re here on a MASA program. And they believe all of my lines about being a combat soldier and owning a Startup… And then they invite me back to their apartment. To ‘watch a movie’. But when I walk in, it’s actually an Apple Store….. and then they…. I’m sorry but this is just too freaky….They fix my MacBook Pro in less than 4 weeks and for less than the cost of buying a new one.”

Then there was Shlomi, who recently switched from trolling Secret Tel Aviv to Tinder. “So in my dream, I get transported to a place that calls itself ‘Startup Nation’. And in this dream, people don’t fly to America to buy a MacBook Air because….. I mean this is kind of weird right?….. the cost of the MacBook Air in Startup Nation is less than the combined cost of the MacBook Air in New York plus a flight ticket….is there like something wrong with me or something?”

The Daily Freier even found out that one of the people sharing their deepest secrets was our very own Guest Writer Mia Deych. “So I keep having this incredibly vivid dream where I meet this guy. And he takes me on an actual date. Like he pays for it and everything. In Tel Aviv. Weird, right? And after dinner we go for a walk and somehow end up in Dizengoff Center Mall. And instead of that ridiculous ‘I-Store’ there was a real no-kidding Apple Store. With helpful and knowledgeable employees. And big giant windows. And they had the latest Apple TV. Oh, and at the end of the dream we were able to find our way out of Dizengoff Center.”

Welcome to Israel.

ISIS, The IDF

Mystical protective Cloud on the Golan already planning his post-IDF trip to India

(Photo Credit: Youtube)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/10/2016 at 1:30 PM

Golan Heights, Israel (Sorry Bashar): The mysterious dark pillar of clouds that stood between an IDF patrol and ISIS on the Golan Heights last week already has big plans for what’s he’s going to do after the army. The vertical cumulus cloud, named ‘Boaz’, said he is ‘counting down the days‘ until the end of his enlistment, at which point he and some of his army buddies plan to go on a 3 month trip to India and Nepal that he says “is going to be sick“, “really crazy” and “just out of control“. Boaz, who comes from a family of storm clouds from outside of Israel and therefore qualifies as a Chayal Boded or “Lone soldier”, finishes his enlistment next May. The Daily Freier Caught up with Boaz on Thursday night at a bar on Dizengoff street as he enjoyed a weekend pass with a few of the guys from his unit.

Boaz told us that they chose this particular bar on Dizengoff “because one of the guys in my squad said he had a bit of luck here“. When we arrived, Boaz and his buddies spotted several women from a “MASA” exchange program sitting by themselves and they quickly introduced themselves and sat down at their table. Soon, Boaz stretched out, exhaled, leaned back in his chair and nonchalantly wrapped his cloud arms behind the back of two young women as he told them stories about his Army duty and how just this week he “like saved my entire platoon from ISIS“.

Later, Boaz admitted that while he is getting a lot of credit for last week’s encounter, he has also gotten in some trouble during his enlistment. Last year, he received non-judicial punishment from his company commander after a prank he played against the Mossad Spy Vulture went horribly wrong. “That bird is just an idiot. So I created an updraft of hot air while he was flying. Unfortunately, that accidentally forced him into Lebanese air space where he was captured. Last I checked he was home free and had joined ‘Breaking the Silence‘ or something. And I got 30 days confined to base.”

While Boaz can’t get out of the army fast enough, he also mentioned that after India he may want to go back to school, get a meteorology degree, and come back as a weather officer. “I don’t think they can say no. I mean I don’t just know about weather. I AM weather.”

But for now, Boaz just wants to dream about what his trip will be like. “Just hang out on the beach in Goa and maybe smoke a bit. Rent a moped. Go to an ashram and just chill. Maybe go backpacking. I actually have some cousins over there who are cirrus clouds, so it will be nice to see them again.” Boaz also explained that on this trip being a cloud would have its advantages. “Sometimes hostels won’t rent to Israeli backpackers because…..well I guess that’s because they once rented to Israeli backpackers…… But I can just show them my second passport from Cloud and everything will be chill.”

Boaz’s friends who will accompany him to India include such other mythical enlistees as “The Israel Spy Dolphin“, a talking dog from the K-9 unit, the wild boars that Mahmoud Abbas says Israel releases on the West Bank every night to ruin crops, the Zionist sharks in the Sinai, and the soldier on your Birthright trip who honestly really really isn’t trying to bang you.

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Guest Writer Wednesday, Tel Aviv Living

Tourist Searching for “Best Hummus In Tel Aviv” Still Missing

Tel Avivi Daily Freier Hummus

(Photo Credits: Tel Avivi)

By Joshua Rodin

Last Updated 7/27/2016 at 8:20 AM

Tel Aviv: The Israeli Municipal and National Police have put out a National Alert for a missing American tourist, last seen 72 hours ago. According to the Police Report, the missing person’s name is Sarah [insert another initial here]. Sarah, described as 21 years old, brunette, 5’2″, was last seen by friends on her way to locate “The Best Hummus Spot in Tel Aviv”.

“Yeah, I have no idea where she could have gone.” said David R., a friend of Sarah’s and a fellow team member from one of Israel’s countless and easily forgettable MASA programs. “The last thing she said to me was that this really nice Israeli guy  told her about an amazing hummus spot in Tel Aviv (‘much better than all the others’) near the Carmel Market and that she was going to check it out…. And that was the last I heard of her.” David stared at the floor with a worried look on his face, “I mean she should have been back days ago, not to mention the fact that clearly the best Hummus place is Falafel Gabay on Dizengoff.”

Israeli Police who searched for Sarah since early Tuesday say that they have yet to find her but have identified several witnesses throughout the city who have claimed to have spoken to a woman who matches that description.

Yossi L., a long-time resident of Tel Aviv of 5 months claims to have spoken to Sarah that very day. “Yes, emmmmmm, I saw the American girl, she came up to me asking for directions. She was looking for the best hummus restaurant in Tel Aviv and it was supposed to be located the Carmel Market. I realized immediately she must have been lost and confused since the best hummus is on Pinsker Street and I quickly redirected her.” Yossi smiled and continued his story. “I mean Hummus HaCarmel is okay I guess but the real stuff is obviously Hummus Mashawsha.”

Tel Avivi Daily Freier Hummus 2

Police scoured Pinsker Street for clues but soon discovered that Sarah had already left the area. Another witness, Chaim T., seems to have spoken to Sarah as well, “Yes I saw her but she seemed very dazed and confused, looking for the best hummus on Pinsker Street when she should have been in Yafo at Abu Dhabi.” adding quickly with a broad smile, “Obviously I gave her directions … only 5 different buses with Moovit, not Waze!”

Israeli Police Spokesperson Adi F. remained confident when speaking with the press today, saying “This is not an unusual event, we lose track of 3-25 tourists every year and they usually turn up … eventually.” Adi quickly added, “She’s almost certainly located at Abu Hassan. Which is hands-down the best Hummus in Tel Aviv.”

UPDATE: Relieved residents learned this morning that Sarah is alive and well.  While wandering Yafo yesterday, Sarah suffered from heat exhaustion and alert bystanders rushed her to the nearest medical facility, Doctor Shakshuka.  She is still sipping Limonana and looking at the menu because “there are just so many choices“.

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Secret Tel Aviv

In Great News for the City’s Hypochondriacs, Hoarders, and Those Just Trying to Find a Nice Sweater for Their Pet Chicken, Website Secret Tel Aviv Now Has an Interactive Map

 

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 8/31/2015 at 12:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Sheinken:  The city is going crazy about popular local website Secret Tel Aviv’s new interactive map, with Secret Tel Aviv’s key demographic groups leading the way. The doctor-phobic, who previously had to crowd-source their medical diagnosis on the site, can now meet up and consult with like-minded people as a completely suitable and safe substitute for actually, like, you know, going to the doctor and stuff.  In addition, strangers can now find the exact location of that piece-o-crap couch you’ve been trying to sell for 100 ₪.  Most importantly, Tel Aviv residents finally have a better way to source a sweater for their pet chickens.   The Daily Freier talked to some of the map’s biggest fans yesterday at that coffee shop on Ben Yehuda near Frischmann.

“This new map is AMAZING!!!” enthused MASA Program participant Melissa C. as she consulted with several like-minded residents whom she had just met through the map. “Now, let’s say you met a really nice guy who is a Lone Soldier?  And you had an amazing time with him last week at the beach before he had to go back to the Negev? But now, you have, like, a persistent rash on your  left arm and stuff? Now maybe you can find out, like, what it is?”  Melissa’s voice trailed off as she continued; “…….Asking for a friend.”

Despite the enthusiasm for the new product, not everyone in the community shares in the excitement.  The Daily Freier caught up with its old friend, Yossi the Talking Household Mold, and talked to him about his views on this new application.  As he tidied up his new place on Bograshov and hung a framed picture of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef (Z”L) up on the wall, Yossi shared some of his observations about the Map.  “When I first heard about the Map, I gotta admit, I was kind of excited.  Like, now I can learn prevailing wind conditions for the coming weeks, the addresses of prominent shputzniks and how to avoid living near them, maybe find out which buildings in Central Tel Aviv contain sub-standard weather proofing around their windows.  That kind of stuff, news I can use….. But when I open up the map, it’s all henna tattoos and bracelet bars. So yeah; if me and my fellow bridesmaids want to get white-girl wasted the night before our best friends’ Indian-themed wedding on the beach, I’m all for it.  But until then? Thanks but I’ll pass.”

The Daily Freier wanted to continue mocking Secret Tel Aviv’s new map, but is secretly hoping to get some sort of widget for its newspaper included in this exciting and ground-breaking new application.