Buenos Aires: When news broke last week that Argentine authorities had apprehended a pair of Iranians traveling on Israeli passports, the news at first focused on the fact that the Hebrew in the forgeries was so hilariously bad that they could be spotted by an Anglo Oleh. Yet according to published reports, the amateur quality of the passports was not the reason for their arrest. Rather, alert Argentine law enforcement officers became suspicious after the suspects displayed behaviors that did not add up to their cover story of being Israeli tourists. And when a subsequent drug test of the suspects proved negative for Ecstasy and cannabis, Argentine authorities detained the pair. The Daily Freier traveled to Buenos Aires to get all the facts.
“When they said they weren’t on their way to an illegal rave in a national park or archeological site, that was when I first became suspicious.” explained Lieutenant Esteban C., an officer with the Argentina Border and Customs Department. “Then I asked ‘Netanel’ where he worked and he mentioned a real job and not some sort of ridiculous start-up. Also, at no point did ‘Rivka’ try to get me to sublet her Tel Aviv apartment during Eurovision.”
With Lieutenant Esteban’s suspicions raised, authorities contacted the hostel the pair had stayed at, and learned of even more strange behavior. The hostel manager, a British expat named Richard, explained his suspicions. “So the bloke claimed to be a certified scuba instructor.” explained Richard. “Yet when these two really pretty Norwegian birds asked him to teach them how to dive, he refused and claimed that he was really busy. But that’s not all. After they checked out, we searched their room and none of the towels were missing.”
Argentine authorities then forced the pair to take a drug test, with both testing negative for Ecstasy, Cannabis, and Bamba. Subsequent calls to the Iranian Mission to the United Nations in New York asking them if they planned to keep writing Daily Freier stories for us went unanswered.
Ramat Gan: A fast response by police aided by quick thinking bystanders prevented a potential tragedy today at Ramat Gan’s Vegan Expo. An Argentine Oleh was trapped for several hours within the Expo and was extracted safely an hour ago by a police patrol assisted by a Department Hostage Negotiation team. Natan P. is a recent immigrant who was “looking for the new Rak Basar” when he accidentally stumbled into the Vegan Expo. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get the word on the streets.
According to attendees, Natan entered the Vegan Expo and within minutes began behaving suspiciously. “I saw a guy running from stall to stall shouting gibberish.” explained alert local Ronit S. “A vendor offered him a chicken schnitzel made from vegetable protein. Then the guy yelled ‘Pollo no es carne! Pollo no es carne!’ When the vendor explained that it wasn’t actually chicken, the guy yelled ‘la milanesa de soja es un insulto a las milanesas!‘. The woman from the tabouleh stand tried to patiently explain that the entire exposition contained only sustainable vegan products for sale, but the guy just stared at her and said ‘pero aún podes tomar cerveza, no?‘ Then he ran toward the tofu vendor who tried to offer him a tofurkey leg. He snatched the tofurkey leg and tried a bite. Then he punched out the vendor, flipped over a muesli display table and ran away. As he ran out he tried to capture a pigeon, but it was too fast……I don’t know why, but weird things always seem to find me when I’m in Ramat Gan.“
Concerned citizens called the police, but by the time they arrived Natan had retreated to a stand of trees in the far corner of the Expo, built a small fire, broiled his shoe, and was busy cutting it into an improvised choripán. Police retreated after he menaced them with the frozen tofurkey leg that he had stolen from the kiosk. After roping off a perimeter, a Police hostage negotiation team communicated with Natan by bullhorn from a safe perimeter and finally lured him from the trees with a tray of kebabs and 500 grams of uncooked ribeye steak.
A visibly shaken Natan was taken to Ichalov Hospital for observations and then released to his Aunt and Uncle, who appeared to have brought a picnic basket containing an entire roast.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.