By Yekutiel Bornstein & Mark Levy
Last Updated 8/29/2023 at 12:50 PM
Ben Gurion Airport, Terminal 3: The Times of Israel reported Monday that an El Al flight from Tel Aviv to New York was delayed due to stowaway birds in the cargo hold. Yet the story failed to report the specific reasons for the delay: numerous birds refused to sit next to birds of the opposite gender for reasons of religious modesty. The Daily Freier rushed to get the facts that the Mainstream Media refused to divulge.
“I can’t sit next to a female.” explained Nahum, a crow from Beit Shemesh. “What if she starts singing? It would be Kol Isha….except for birds.“
Itzhik, a pigeon currently getting his Smicha at a prominent coop in Bnai Brak, patiently explained the conundrum to Irit, a confused Heloni dove from Holon. “On such a long flight passengers could accidentally touch, on the shared armrest for example. Sitting next to a male bird would just make things less complicated.“
Yet it appears that not all of the birds’ claims of religious modesty were authentic. “I told that weird seagull who tried to sit next to me that I was Dati and followed Shomeret Negiya.” explained Smadar, a hoopoe from Petach Tikva. “But honestly, I just thought he was gross“. Smadar looked furtively around the cargo hold and lowered her voice. “Also, there’s a really cute hoopoe near the bulkhead who is looking for a seat.” Smadar briefly glanced at him and then looked away. “Wait, do you think he sees me?“
The El Al flight finally took off after ground personnel promised the deplaned birds that they could still visit Duty Free.
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 2/9/2020 at 3:00 PM
Tel Aviv: After being caught with some cannabis and spending close to a year in a Russian jail, Naama Issachar is now happily back in Eretz Yisrael thanks to a personal appeal from Prime Minister Netanyahu. Yet a lot has changed here in Israel since the early days of 2019, and Naama discussed her adjustment process to Israeli life with the Daily Freier.
“Wait, what’s up with Telegrass?” Naama asked us, slightly annoyed. “There’s a Nature Party in the Galil next week and I was hoping, I mean a friend was hoping to touch base with my weed guy, I mean a friend’s weed guy.” Naama paused for a moment and reflected. “The funny thing is that all of Tel Aviv basically smells like a giant spliff, but ‘everyone is out of weed‘. Like is that even scientifically possible?”
Naama continued describing the Big Adjustment. “I have so much to catch up on. Things like who won ‘The Voice’, and who we’re sending to Eurovision…. so is ‘Tudo Bom’ still a thing?”
Before ending the interview, we secured a promise from Ms. Issachar that she would update us with all the stories from her inevitable trip to MidBurn and/or Tzfat later this year.
EPILOGUE: While the Daily Freier has a rich history of shrewdly negotiating with Mr. Putin, nobody from the Government bothered to call us. Next time something like this happens, can someone have Bibi’s office send us a text?
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 5/27/2019 at 6:00 PM
Tel Aviv: The District Court of Tel Aviv has dismissed the lawsuit brought against El Al Airlines by Hatari, Iceland’s Eurovision Entry. You see, Hatari, a band
of woke rich kids committed in their own special way to social justice, decided to wave the Palestinian flag because they couldn’t find Narnia’s flag during a live Eurovision broadcast. And Israelis, being Israelis, decided to throw some serious shade, culminating in El Al allegedly giving the band purposely poor seats and service on their flight home. Hatari then responded by filing a lawsuit, which was subsequently tossed out today. You see, El Al has this tiny, and let us just stress VERY UNDESERVED reputation for…. you may want to sit down for this….. poor customer service. We know… crazy, right? (Editor’s Note: Just to be fair, we called El Al’s Toll Free Number about this rumor, but the woman yelled at us and then hung up.) So the Court resolved that there was in fact no data set of “good El Al Customer Service” with which to compare Hatari’s accusation of crappy service. The Daily Freier walked down to the courthouse to get all the facts.
We spoke to Tamar C., a bailiff at the courthouse, who read from the Court’s decision. “It is the Court’s opinion that the Band Hatari, henceforth to be referred to as ‘the plaintiff’, did not adequately prove they were purposely and maliciously served poor food, because none of us in the Courthouse can remember receiving ‘a good meal’ from El Al…. not even Sarit from the cleaning staff, and her brother works in El Al’s catering office.”
When the Daily Freier noted that the plaintiff had accused El Al of purposely placing them near extra-rude passengers, Tamar continued: “It is the Court’s opinion that the ‘very rude’ Israeli passengers the plaintiff was seated next to would not even make the tryouts for Israel’s ‘Bad Travelers’ All-Star Team.”
Tamar continued: “In addition, The Court finds that the plaintiff’s accusation of ‘targeted harassment’ from Ben Gurion Airport personnel was simply the established protocol after the band went through a Security Checkpoint and set off the Sanctimony Detector, also known as the Beinartometer.”
The Daily Freier hopes that the current crisis does not harm the very vital Israeli-Icelandic relationship.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 3/27/2019 at 5:30 PM
Buenos Aires: When news broke last week that Argentine authorities had apprehended a pair of Iranians traveling on Israeli passports, the news at first focused on the fact that the Hebrew in the forgeries was so hilariously bad that they could be spotted by an Anglo Oleh. Yet according to published reports, the amateur quality of the passports was not the reason for their arrest. Rather, alert Argentine law enforcement officers became suspicious after the suspects displayed behaviors that did not add up to their cover story of being Israeli tourists. And when a subsequent drug test of the suspects proved negative for Ecstasy and cannabis, Argentine authorities detained the pair. The Daily Freier traveled to Buenos Aires to get all the facts.
“When they said they weren’t on their way to an illegal rave in a national park or archeological site, that was when I first became suspicious.” explained Lieutenant Esteban C., an officer with the Argentina Border and Customs Department. “Then I asked ‘Netanel’ where he worked and he mentioned a real job and not some sort of ridiculous start-up. Also, at no point did ‘Rivka’ try to get me to sublet her Tel Aviv apartment during Eurovision.”
With Lieutenant Esteban’s suspicions raised, authorities contacted the hostel the pair had stayed at, and learned of even more strange behavior. The hostel manager, a British expat named Richard, explained his suspicions. “So the bloke claimed to be a certified scuba instructor.” explained Richard. “Yet when these two really pretty Norwegian birds asked him to teach them how to dive, he refused and claimed that he was really busy. But that’s not all. After they checked out, we searched their room and none of the towels were missing.”
Argentine authorities then forced the pair to take a drug test, with both testing negative for Ecstasy, Cannabis, and Bamba. Subsequent calls to the Iranian Mission to the United Nations in New York asking them if they planned to keep writing Daily Freier stories for us went unanswered.