Tel Aviv, The Old North: A disillusioned recent immigrant to Israel is now attributing his entire decision-matrix to stay here on the return of KFC to Israel next March. American Oleh Hadash Zachary F. has not had an easy time in Israel so far. Apart from getting paid $10 an hour for a job that required a college degree, Zachary has also gotten screwed by various cab drivers, gotten lost in the cavernous Dizengoff Center Mall, endured a tragic breakup with a French Olah, gotten trapped in an elevator, and endured the ridicule of his building superintendent for having crappy Hebrew skills. But Zachary still holds out hope, and is currently clinging to KFC’s planned March 2019 opening in Be’er Sheva as the moment his luck will turn around. “If I can just hold out until March, everything will be better. Regular, Extra Crispy, a giant bucket of tenders. Life will just be…better.“
Reactions in the Olim community were mixed, with many mocking Zachary’s optimism. “Really?” mused an Ulpan classmate of Zachary’s named Rachel or Sarah. “He’s staying here for a KFC. What a Loser……OMG OMG I need to go, the new Burger King on Ibn Gavriol closes in 10 minutes and I haven’t been there in 3 days!”
But Zachary remains undeterred. “This could really make my Aliyah experience work out. I mean, I may even move to Be’er Sheva just to be closer to KFC! I could even do the Nefesh B’ Nefesh ‘Go South’ program! Or get a job in Tech!”
Jerusalem: In a world of naff abbreviations, memes and soundbites, the Israeli Knesset this week debated a motion brought by rebel MKs on the benefits of an Israeli ‘MExit‘: an exit from the Middle East.
Seeing how all the talk of a ‘Brexit‘ (British Exit) in Europe has engaged an apathetic British public from its political slumber and scared the bejesus heck out of the European Union, the Israeli PM agreed to the debate, which raged well into Friday night. Drunken new Defense Minister Avigdor ‘the Tom Jones of Odessa’ Lieberman cried into his vodka: “I don’t want to move but at least we would not have to find a lousy Eurovision entry. It’s humiliating. Like Arafat in a thong.”
One of the more sensible suggestions was to charter 2,300 El Al flights, 43,000 kosher meals and take Israeli citizens on a junket to northern Thailand – where most seem to spend their post-army travels and run travel agencies.
Another suggestion was to fit all of the Holy Land inside two streets in a Shanghai suburb, which raised the prospect of Tel Avivians enjoying Chinese food that was actually good.
A third and more challenging option, was to transfer the Jewish people to Mars. Whilst this idea drew widespread support in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, and among the BDS movement, there was also a great deal of support WITHIN Israel as real estate giant Shikun & Binui immediately applied for planning permission to build affordable high-rises on the red planet. Marketing the development as ‘Eilat in the Sky,’ young Israelis were also excited, as it seems they don’t actually enjoy paying more than 4,000 shekels a month for a studio as large as a border collie. With nothing to grow, nothing to do and an atmosphere lacking breathable air, Mars is using advertising slogans from the Beersheba tourist board. Discussions broke down after participants learned that the Palestinians claim Mars was actually originally theirs.
There was also excitement in Israel to the sweet idea recently proposed by a British MP that Israel should be moved to the United States of America. “It would fit inside New Jersey” shrieked one excited Israeli, in a three kilometer line for Green Cards at the U.S. Embassy.
Upon the news, everyone’s dreaded President-Elect Donald Trump escorted the U.S. navy to patrol the seas off Ellis Island, carrying a Monty Pythonesque placard saying: “What have the bloody Jews ever done for us?” before being counter-sued by his son-in-law Jared Kushner.
As morning rolled around, Bibi called UK Prime Minister David Cameron to see if he would consider a land swap. The UK would return to supervise the land of Israel while Israelis moved into their relatives’ homes in Hendon and Golders Green. Netanyahu also said Dana International could stay and sing for the UK in next year’s Eurovision. David Cameron, vehemently against a Brexit, was said to be considering such a sweetener.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.