Tel Aviv: With the mercury in Tel Aviv matching the temperature on Mars, biblical hero Noah has returned to Eretz Yisrael to save locals from the unbearable heatwave.
Today, hoards of confused and melting Tel Avivians were oddly seen rushing INTO the Dizengoff Center Mall AND the Post Office just to get OUT of the heat. Once roads began to crumple and people were being thrown out of the chiller cabinets in Shufersal, the 4700-year-old pensioner decided to act.
Noah and his oldest remaining son, Shem (a mere 4200 years young) have fitted the Convertible Ark Turbo Cruise ship with 2 air conditioning units in each compartment, phone chargers, the Waze GPS Iceberg Locator, and driverless technology.
“My hands are still tied by the Torah so I can still only take two of everything – so 2 Israelis (rumors say Gal Gadot has already bagged one spot), 2 stray cats, 2 non-complaining olim, 2 mosquitoes, 2 jellyfish, 2 European backpackers, and 2 girls on Taglit who just love love love Israel. No politicians or HOT Cable customer service representatives are allowed.”
Cabin prices start at NIS 5,000 for a double. But long lines are expected all the way to Haifa as The Ark, called “Mazgan Miracle II“, is due to set sail tomorrow for Scotland, arriving at its first port in Cardiff before Shabbos.
Today the Dear Daily Freier advice column answers questions that you were too sweaty and annoyed or embarrassed to ask yourselves. You’re welcome.
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Dear Daily Freier:My mates and I are getting a bit legless sometimes, I mean drunk. Actually shit-faced. Bu the problem is that the next day I am not even sure where I am. Am I still alive or have I gone to Hell? This country is hotter than I thought. In all meanings of the word. What’s the Deal?
Curiously,
Joe from London
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Joe: That’s a very topical question. For you and your mates we’ve made a list of 7 signs that you live in Israel this summer (obviously none of them can refer to Hell. Our monotheism doesn’t really “do” Hell. Maybe something less severe but still unpleasant. Like “Heck”)
1. You take a shower every time you come back home (even if you just went out to throw away the rubbish).
2. You have 3-4 loads of laundry weekly and this process seems to be endless. Like a Möbius strip
3. Hugging your friends becomes awkwardly embarrassing.
4. You really miss this rainy and dreary weather of your hometown that you used to complain about.
5. A cold wave of air when you pass by a supermarket feels like lost paradise on Earth.
6. You are seriously thinking of creating a cult to the engineers who invented mazgan.
7. You say mazgan (instead of the AC), and everybody understands you.
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Dear Daily Freier: So you know the Anti-Circumcision guy who stands outside of Shuk HaCarmel and protests all day in a pair of white pants with fake bloodstains? Do you know his situation? Is he in a relationship or is he single?
Asking for a Friend.
Dear “For a Friend”: This is a tough one that we don’t have the answer for. Hey Daily Freier readers! What’s the deal with this guy? Enquiring minds want to know!
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Dear Daily Freier: I have a question about this unexplainable New Olah psychology. I am a born and raised Israeli dating a Polish Olah. We both love each and stuff, but you know, sometimes you want something… fresh. So I used to hook up with one girl (I’m not a jerk, I told her I have a girlfriend) and she was looking for a job. I told her that my girlfriend’s company was hiring and she should apply. When the two girls met and found out how they know me, my girlfriend became livid and wants to break up… But why? What have I done wrong?
Feeling Confused,
Barak
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Dear Barak, we would recommend you confess that you haven’t done that inadvertently and you had no malice to hurt her. You feel down in the dumps and ask for redemption… Screw that, this is just ludicrous! We can’t help you, but recommend you post this to Secret Tel Aviv.
Got a Question? Drop us an email at daily.freier@gmail.com and we will be happy to dispense free advice worth every Shekel!
Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Yesterday our Dating and Relationships columnists Emily and Mia caught up over coffee with their friend Noa from Ulpan. Noa, a returning Israeli who grew up in New York, has been dating an air conditioning repairman named Avi since June. And things aren’t going that well. But she’s not ready to give up on the relationship yet, because it’s still kind of hot out and stuff. Noa had a lot to say on this topic and we didn’t actually get a chance to say more than four words in three hours, but we did get to stalk the guy on Facebook while Noa told her story.
“So we met and then spent like two days in a row together. On the second afternoon his mom and aunt picked us up and we drove to Petah Tikvah for his cousin’s wedding. At first I didn’t think we were actually going to a wedding because he was wearing flip-flops, cutoff jeans and a white tee-shirt. But in Avi’s defense, the groom was wearing a tank top.”
Noa explained her mixed feelings. “So he’s good on paper for a Tel Aviv guy. I mean it’s not like he actually has his shit together. He lives with four roommates and a friendly mold colony in their shower. He still brings his laundry home to his mom in Holon on the weekends. But he studies at Open University from home. He wants to open his own business. So he has potential. Maybe I should just give it some time. Like, you know, until the First Rain or something.”
So after coffee we all ordered pancakes and Noa began to feel a bit nostalgic. “We’ve had some good times together. Like the time in July when he replaced the coolant unit on my mazgan…..And the time 2 weeks ago when he replaced the filters. He’s really good with his hands.” Noa leaned in closer and dropped her voice to a whisper. “I mean MAMASH good.”
“But we’ve been together like 7 weeks. In Tel Aviv. That’s the equivalent of 2 years on Planet Earth.” Noa checked the seven-day weather forecast on her I-Phone. “Things have cooled a bit.” Noa paused. “Between me and Avi I mean………I just don’t feel like we’re meant to be together.”
Later on, Emily and Mia ran into Avi on the street, who shared that he knows his relationship with Noa is in trouble, but he has a backup plan: trolling Secret Tel Aviv looking for women who need help installing shelves or hanging pictures. Emily thinks Avi is kind of cute and wants to check back with him after Sukkot. Like, just to make sure he’s Okay and stuff.
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32.085334.781768
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
