Tel Aviv: With the mercury in Tel Aviv matching the temperature on Mars, biblical hero Noah has returned to Eretz Yisrael to save locals from the unbearable heatwave.
Today, hoards of confused and melting Tel Avivians were oddly seen rushing INTO the Dizengoff Center Mall AND the Post Office just to get OUT of the heat. Once roads began to crumple and people were being thrown out of the chiller cabinets in Shufersal, the 4700-year-old pensioner decided to act.
Noah and his oldest remaining son, Shem (a mere 4200 years young) have fitted the Convertible Ark Turbo Cruise ship with 2 air conditioning units in each compartment, phone chargers, the Waze GPS Iceberg Locator, and driverless technology.
“My hands are still tied by the Torah so I can still only take two of everything – so 2 Israelis (rumors say Gal Gadot has already bagged one spot), 2 stray cats, 2 non-complaining olim, 2 mosquitoes, 2 jellyfish, 2 European backpackers, and 2 girls on Taglit who just love love love Israel. No politicians or HOT Cable customer service representatives are allowed.”
Cabin prices start at NIS 5,000 for a double. But long lines are expected all the way to Haifa as The Ark, called “Mazgan Miracle II“, is due to set sail tomorrow for Scotland, arriving at its first port in Cardiff before Shabbos.
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Peter Beinart, the conscience of modern Progressive Judaism and all around Liberal Zionist Bad Boy, is not too thrilled with the choices that Israel has been making lately. And he’s not afraid to tell us. In fact, Pete is currently quite cross with us for ignoring his amazingly prescient advice about the Peace Process, to the extent that he now takes press junkets to Judea and Samaria with J-Street in order to pester goats. His powerful voice has hit Israel like a bombshell, compelling everyday Israelis to stop what they’re doing and ask themselves “Just who does Peter Beinart think he is? No, Really. We’re kinda drawing a blank right now. Who is he again?”
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: Tel Aviv’s Cinema scene got quite a fright today with the premier showing of “Dizi Spell“, an independent horror film based on the Dizengoff Center Mall’s “EasyDizi” Navigation App. The Daily Freier was lucky to score a seat to the premier, held at Dizengoff Center’s very own Lev Tel Aviv Cinema. (We were a bit late because, well, you know.)
[SPOILER ALERT] The film tells the story of a young couple, Zachary and Beth, who decide to spend a carefree Thursday afternoon at the Mall. At first the day goes great, with the two getting a coffee and planning their weekend. But then the story takes a horrific turn when they decide to use the “EasyDizi” App to find the Marley Shop so they can look at speakers for their living room. The App continuously turns them around and around as they walk up and down hallways that for some reason are built on a slope. As the lost couple begin to bicker and turn on one another, it becomes clear to the viewer that they are slowly becoming possessed by a talking purple dog that lives within the App itself. In the dramatic conclusion, Zachary and Beth run screaming from the Mall and exit by the Castro’s Clothing Store. As they huddle on the sidewalk shaken and crying and the credits begin to roll, an oblivious new couple is seen downloading the App and entering the mall.
After the film, The Daily Freier sat in on a very special Question and Answer session with first-time Director Adam G. Adam explained his inspiration. “When I first heard that Dizengoff Center had the audacity to create a Navigation App for their Mall, I have to admit, I thought it was some kind of joke. But no, it was far too real. It was at that moment that I realized that there was an amazing Horror Film just waiting to be made. Well that and the App got me hopelessly lost and I ended up spending the night near the Mall’s Loading Dock by the Bograshov Parking Lot Entrance.”
While disappointed that several prominent theater critics got lost near the dark hallway on the second floor that sells luggage and reclining chairs and thus missed the movie, Adam was flattered to host a somewhat disoriented United States Secretary of State John Kerry, who conveniently was in the vicinity.
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: In a move described by State Department Spokesperson Marie Harf as “unhelpful” and “not contributing to a constructive dialogue” Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu took United States Secretary of State John Kerry to Tel Aviv’s Dizengoff Center Mall this morning and left him at the Food Court on the third floor near the cinema. The visit to Dizengoff Center, slated as a “fact-finding trip” by Mr. Netanyahu’s staff, was cut short when Netanyahu informed Kerry that he “really needed to use the bathroom” and quickly exited the premises via a previously unknown exit near the Holmes Gym on the ground floor. A confused John Kerry waited approximately 30 minutes before setting out on his own to try to find his way out of the sprawling shopping center long known as difficult to comprehend even by native Israelis. The Daily Freier’s “City Beat” reporter was able to observe Mr. Kerry’s navigation efforts throughout the mall.
Upon realizing that Netanyahu had no intention of coming back, Mr. Kerry set out toward what he thought was an exit to King George Street, only to find himself turned around and in the middle of a room of vendors selling homemade traditional foods. Mr. Kerry took the time to recount some of his experiences as a Lieutenant in the Mekong Delta during Vietnam to a bewildered Druze woman selling flat breads with labaneh cheese. Mr. Kerry then set out again, trying to reach the Dizengoff Street pedestrian overpass that connects the two wings of the mall, and perhaps find an exit near the parking garage at the corner of Dizengoff and King George. Unfortunately, Kerry took a turn up a ramp that led to a bunch of semi empty shops. Again, Kerry displayed his diplomatic acumen as he told the woman applying Dead Sea mud to his face and neck that Putin’s actions in Syria would only hurt Russia in the long run and that Putin really needed to “get with the program and find some sort of consensus”. As Mr. Kerry set out again in search of an exit, the Daily Freier looked over the railing toward the second floor to see a dozen hurried men and women wearing khaki pants, bulging tan vests and earpieces fanning out and asking random passerby questions while gesturing frantically. At this point Mr. Kerry reached a tanning salon whose genial owner listened to Kerry’s recollections about appearing once on an episode of “Cheers” back in the early 1990’s. As the shops began to close this afternoon in preparation for Shabbat, a desperate Secret Service agent asked the Daily Freier if we had seen “a tall older white guy with a patrician manner and a long face.” and we informed them that we thought he might be with our friend Zachary near the store that sells Pop Tarts.