Tel Aviv: Another chapter in Olim failing to acclimate to Israel has sadly just been written. Yulia the endangered seal came to our shores just weeks ago with high hopes. Yet she swam away yesterday, after an Aliyah process that those close to her describe as “difficult”.
Yulia began her journey with high hopes, with her own Instagram page dedicated to pictures of her “A-Ma-Zing” Israeli breakfast and cats that she befriended in Neve Tzedek. Yet almost immediately, things took a problematic turn. Her interactions with native Israelis proved difficult. At one point a local seal began pestering Yulia and lying about his military service, claiming he was “a Navy Seal“.
Trying to make sense of it all, The Daily Freier was able to reach out to some of Yulia’s friends. “This all happened so quickly. I just don’t understand.” lamented Yulia’s friend Jessica from Ulpan. “Is this because the French are coming next month?”
The Daily Freier also reached out to Yulia’s friend Zachary. “Yulia found a nice place on the beach and settled down. About an hour later, a realtor showed up and demanded 7,000 Shekels because he showed her the rocks.“
Yet there were many in the Community who reached out to Yulia and tried to “make it work” for her. The Daily Freier spoke with a Nefesh B’ Nefesh spokeswoman from their Jerusalem office named Bat Sheva or Elisheva or Just Sheva, and she described her efforts to find Yulia a nice beach on the Kinneret through their “Go North” program. In addition, two young ladies from Chabad stopped by Yulia’s beach every Friday and gave her Challah and some candles. Also, when some guy on the Aliyah Support Group “Keep Olim in Israel” made fun of Yulia’s Hebrew, Liami threatened to kick his ass.
Finally, The Daily Freier reached out to some other sea creatures who left Israel with broken dreams, Ethan and Shoshanna Jellyfish. “This doesn’t have to be the end.” explained Shoshanna. “Maybe Yulia can come back for a MASA program in the Fall.” Shoshanna thought for a moment and continued. “I bet MASA has a program for sea creatures. They have a program for everything!“
Netanya: In a move described as “bold”, “courageous”, and “defiant”, the jellyfish have returned to Israel despite intense pressure from the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement. Everybody’s favorite jellyfish, Ethan and Shoshanna, spoke to the Daily Freier about their personal journey.
“When the summer currents began pushing us northward from the Coast of Egypt, we just got bombarded with tweets from BDS.” explained Ethan. “Roger Waters wrote us an open letter. Max Blumenthal told us that his dad would NOT be happy if we went to Israel. Omar Barghouti told us that we would be collaborators if we arrived, but we checked his IP address and he was tweeting from the Tel Aviv University Library….”
The Daily Freier asked Ethan if he identified as a Zionist, and he explained his stance. “Of course, but I also identify as a citizen of the world. Jew, Muslim, Christian….in the end it really doesn’t matter. I will sting the living shit out of you regardless.”
At this point Shoshanna interjected with her views. “I’m just so happy to be back. I missed this place SO. MUCH. But to tell you the truth, I expected a bit of a warmer welcome from everyone. But that might just be Israel. Sometimes it takes a while to break into social groups.” Shoshanna spotted a family in shallow water 5 meters away. “They seem nice, maybe I will float toward them and introduce myself. Sometimes you just have to extend a tentacle of friendship.”
Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: After arriving with high hopes of success just 6 weeks ago, Tel Aviv’s Jellyfish population has packed its bags and begun migrating northward toward better opportunities along the Levantine Coast.
“I tried, I really tried.” shared a disappointed medusa Ethan S. “I did Ulpan, but outside of class me and my friends only speak jellyfish and I never really made friends with locals. Also, I’m not sure if this was an issue, but whenever I hung out with Israelis, I would just sting the shit out of them.”
“I just couldn’t afford it.” noted a translucent purple Shoshanna P. “I was living with three roommates in Florentin. I couldn’t find any work besides Forex. I mean, I attack unsuspecting beachgoers with my poisonous tentacles, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do Forex or Binary.”
Ethan was quick to add that he would be back “Sometime next year, after I get my finances together“. But when asked if he might try to stay a little longer, Ethan was insistent that it was time to go. “I’m done……I’m just done…..Plus I want to be gone before all the French arrive in August.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.